Um... sorry about this, but the mad muses (and they know who they are) inspired a bit more stuff.. but on the plus side, I hope this explains Heero's behavior and it is both Heero and Duo's POV. This story is just spinning out of control at this point, but I'm having fun... *evil grin*

And yes, I know the thing is called an Epi-pen or something like that, and in these days you need a prescription for one, but this is the future and I took some liberties with what I think everyone should have in a medkit...

Out of my Head Part 9

"All I want is for you to be happy." I tell him, "and I don't think I make you happy."

"Why don't you think I'm happy?" He asks quietly.

I run over the reasons in my head again before I answer. They seemed like enough when I was packing my things- only a few days ago, but now, even to my own ears they don't sound like enough and I find myself stumbling through them. "You want me to be different, I know you do, no matter what you say. And I can't Duo- I've tried. I know you want me to be more social and outgoing- more like you. But I can't be. I'm a weight around your feet..."

"I'm sorry," He bursts out, sounding distressed. "I didn't want to make you feel that way. I didn't! I just... when I try and get you to come out with us..." Then he gasps in what sounds like pain. Why is he in pain?

"Duo?" I grip him tightly, and he shakes in my grip. The blood is leaving his face and he's shaking...

He mumbles something that I don't understand. I sit up, pulling him up with me, trying to get him to tell me what's wrong.... and his eyes roll back into his head.

Then the phone is wedged between my ear and shoulder as I lay Duo flat on the couch, monitoring his vital signs, feeling his pulse flutter under my fingers...

I don't know what I say to the 911 operator. I do know she says something in my ear about allergic reactions.

The medication!

"Do you have a medical kit? Most of them have an anti-allergy shot or pen?" She asks and I could kick myself for being an idiot. Have I forgotten my basic medical training?

I run for the kit, nearly falling on the slick kitchen floor, then the kit is breaking open and the shot rolls under the table and when I get back, Duo's not breathing...

The operator's voice is calm in my ear. Bless her, whoever the hell she is, reminding me to use the shot first before I try and clear his airway...

The shot is given and the angel on the phone reminds me of the procedures to get Duo breathing again, and if this was anyone else under my hands I would know them, but this is Duo and I can't think of the steps...

Duo coughs and I roll him to the side, relief flooding me, and then the EMTs are there, the angel hangs up and we're on our way to the hospital.

I sit beside the EMTs as they monitor Duo, an air mask over his face. It doesn't take long to get to the hospital, and a part of my mind notes that the ambulance gets there faster by taking a different street.

Duo is breathing. His color is better. His eyes haven't opened yet, but he'll wake up soon, the EMTs assure me.

I hope they're right.

Then we are in the emergency room and they leave me outside, rolling Duo past the doors I can't go into.

He's going to be okay, I reassure myself, still feeling his body going limp in my arms, still shaky from the realization that he had come so close... if we hadn't had that stupid anti-allergy shot... the EMTs might not have been able to do anything.

It's all hitting me now, I realize, the moments over, Duo is in the hospital and now it's all rushing over me...

I stare at the doors of the ER for a moment, not sure of what to do. Two nurses walk by me and I hear one say to the other:

"...failed that one..."

"You failed me Heero." I close my eyes and I can see Dr. J standing before me, towering over me... "You failed your mission. I am not happy with you. You have not made me happy. You are not what you should be..."

I shake my head, trying to clear it. Duo is what is important here. I back up, my knees finding a couch and sinking down onto it. I try and focus on my knees, and I notice my hands are shaking.

Duo. I try and cling to the fact that he's here. He is breathing again. He should be okay. I need to be here for him...

But wasn't I planning on not being here for him?

I squeeze my eyes shut again and see Dr. J frowning at me.

No. Duo. I need to focus on Duo.

Duo's image banishes Dr. J's for a moment, smiling and happy.

But then his eyes roll up in his head and he collapses at my feet...

I force my eyes open again, and take a deep breath.

"WEAK!" Dr. J thunders in my head.

Another deep breath, focus on Duo. Dr. J is dead. He isn't going to come back and punish me. I haven't done anything wrong...

But I had failed Duo. He'd been so worried about that talk, so upset that he had ignored the symptoms of the reaction- the EMTs said he should've felt something- and I bet he had... and he had ignored it. Because of me.

"You're a failure. All that work I've put into you, all the training! You've failed me Heero! I'm not happy!"

I curl up in a corner of the lab, my hands over my head. Odin had never talked to me like this, I made Odin happy...

But he left me. He must not have been happy...

And now Dr. J is mad again... "Heero, you know what would make me happy again, don't you? You want me to be happy, right? You like being here, you like having a purpose again..."

I nod, even as my heart starts to pound against my chest. I know what makes Dr. J happy.... And it hurts. It hurts a lot.

A hand touches my hair and I wait for it to yank my head back, wait for the pain to start, for Dr. J to rid me of my imperfections... I had to be perfect... I had to be what he wanted....

"Heero?"

I wait for the first blow, and I begin my apology, I know Dr. J wants me to admit to my mistakes, but I can't remember what I did this time...

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I failed. I'm sorry you're not happy. Please Dr. J..."

His fingers tighten on my hair and I know what happens next...

"I know you aren't happy, but please don't hurt me, not again..."

~*~

I blink and find myself looking at a white ceiling. Hospital. Again.

Sally is leaning over me, looking worried.

"How are you feeling Duo?"

"What happened?"

"You had an allergic reaction to the medication- pretty severe- didn't I tell you to be careful?" She scolds. "You had to have been in pain way before you passed out and it was a good thing that you had an anti-allergy dose that Heero could use on you! You stopped breathing there for a minute!"

Stopped breathing? I blink and Sally must consider me properly chastised, because she stops lecturing.

"You should be okay now, but we want to watch you for a bit. Mind sharing space with Quatre?" I sigh. I really hate hospitals. Haven't I spent enough time in them already today?

"How long is a bit?"

"Just a few hours."

"All right. Where's Heero?"

"He's out in the waiting room, I guess." Sally shrugs. "I'll get you a chair, we'll collect him and go up to see Quatre."

It only takes Sally a moment to get the chair, and we both nearly crack up as we try and get me into it. I'm only slightly less graceful than a drunken elephant, and though Sally is a strong woman, even she doesn't like having her toes crushed by a cast.

I know Heero has got to be a wreck, having me pull that stunt in the middle of our talk was no doubt alarming. I know he's going to be upset...

But I'm not expecting what I find.

Heero is curled up on the couch, knees under his chin, arms around his head, and he's trembling. Sally makes a small noise, but pulls my chair up right in front of him. I reach out to touch his head and he whimpers. Heero's never made that sound before...

What the hell?

"Heero?"

His voice is very soft, higher pitched than usual when he answers: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I failed. I'm sorry you're not happy." I want to shake him. He didn't fail me, what the hell is he talking about? Then he whispers: "Please Dr. J..."

Dr. J? This is damn frightening and I'm afraid my fingers tighten on his hair, hurting him. He whimpers again and his voice gets even softer.

"I know you aren't happy, but please don't hurt me, not again..."

"Duo?" A voice says from behind me. "What's going on?" I glance over my shoulder to see Wufei standing with Sally, his eyes wide at the huddled figure of Heero on the couch.

"I don't know." I feel helpless. What do I do? I turn back to Heero. I let my fingers stroke the back of his neck for a moment. "Heero, I'm not going to beat you...."

His whole body tenses like a spring- not the reaction I was hoping for... and then he uncurls from the sofa, his head bowed, eyes shadowed by his bangs. "Heero?"

He leaps over my chair, and takes off at a flat run, past Wufei and Sally and out the main doors.

Shit! I grasp the wheels of the chair, intent on going after him. Sally grabs the handles to stop me and before I can snarl at her, Wufei has taken off after Heero...

I hope he can bring him back.

TBC...

 

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