Duo POV Part 3
Out of my Head Part 8
Wufei and Trowa lean over the bed, voices falling over each other and Heero pulls me a little away. His arms are tight around me. "Good job." He murmurs in my ear, exultant.
As I watch color creep back into Quatre's face, I feel the same way. "Just proves that communication is the key to any good relationship."
Heero's arms tighten a little bit more and I see a flush rise in his face.
I wonder if now is a good time to push him again...?
But then I hear a soft sound from the bed. Quatre's eyes have opened, and Wufei and Trowa are glowing with relief and happiness. If Quatre wasn't obviously still so weak, I think they would pounce on him and hold him tightly. As it is, Wufei in on his knees next to the bed, Quatre's hand against his face, and Trowa is stroking Quatre's hair.
I can't catch exactly what they are saying, but their sheer joy pours off of them.
Sally is tugging at Heero's sleeve, pulling us out of the room, giving the other three their privacy.
For a moment I am swamped with envy. Their relationship will be okay, but mine? I look at Heero, his gaze on Sally and want to ask him if we'll be okay. Have I convinced him to stay yet?
I wish I could ask.
"I think they need some time," Sally says as we go down the hallway. She looks at me over her shoulder. "As a thank you for what you did in there, how about I get rid of those splints and give you some real casts?"
That would be great, but I can think of something I want even more.
"Can you change my meds too? I hate being sleepy all the time." I ask and hope she responds in the positive.
"I might be able to manage something." If she does, I will bless her name forever. I hate the drugs- it just seems to make the situation between Heero and I worse since I can't concentrate for very long.
Sally opens a door, ushers us into an exam room and goes off to fetch supplies. Heero puts me down on the exam table, but I keep my hand on his shirt, pulling him down to me.
"Kiss me?" I ask, and hope he doesn't refuse.
At first he only gives me a small brush of his lips. Not enough.
I know he doesn't like kissing me in public places, but right now I need this. I persist and he gives in. He kisses me exactly the way I like the most, slowly, carefully, almost lazily, visiting every inch of my mouth...
And then the sound of Sally clearing her throat interrupts us.
Damn. She has lousy timing. Heero is slightly red, embarrassed at being caught.
"Glad to see you two are doing okay again," Sally says with a smile. I shoot a look up at Heero. His eyes widen with panic and I realize Sally has given me an opening.
'Doing okay again?' I mouth at him. I hope we are doing okay again, but it would be nice to know for sure. It would be nice to talk about it- as much as part of me fears the outcome from that talk.
Heero shrugs, looking at Sally, and I know this isn't the time to discuss it. I yank his sleeve, trying to get his attention in order to find out when we can discuss it. He looks at me, but then so does Sally.
Sally doesn't need to see this, so I try and regain my normal expression.
"I'm going to go get coffee," Heero mutters and takes off before I can grab him.
What if he doesn't come back?
"Duo?" Sally touches my arm. "You okay?"
"I'm just hoping he'll come back," I answer before I realize it.
"Still not good?" Sally starts taking the splints off.
"How could it be?" I grumble. "I'm asleep half the time and the other times we keep being interrupted!"
"I can take care of the asleep part," Sally reassures me. "And I'm sure he'll come back. Duo, just lie back and relax, okay? I'll do this as fast as I can."
"Easy for you to say," but I do as she asks. I can't help but keep one eye on the door.
Heero doesn't realize quite how much I rely on him. He can't know. In the chaotic mess that was my early life, I couldn't find anything to cling to- nothing lasted long- nobody lasted long.
He has been the exception to my rule. Yeah, I know the other guys have stuck around too, but they are only friends. I love them, but there are things I haven't told them.
There are lots of things I haven't told Heero. I want to though, that's the difference. I want him to know all those things about me. I always felt like I could be honest with him, tell him anything and he'd still love me.
Now... now I'm not so sure that he would. I thought that Heero could tell me anything... he could and I would still love him.
The thing is, I don't think he believes that.
And now that he's started to doubt me...
I put an arm over my eyes, blocking out Sally and the exam room.
Hiding.
Have I been hiding too much from Heero, somehow?
If I keep going over this, I am going to really frighten Sally in a moment, so I try and block it out. Try to focus on something else.
But the only thing I can focus on is the door, visible under the crook of my elbow; it stays shut, no matter how hard I will it to open again.
Sally is nearly done by the time it does swing open, and the rush of relief I feel at seeing Heero makes me silent for a moment.
"I ran into Trowa in the hallway," Heero says as he moves closer to me. "Quatre wants to see us."
That increases my relief. Quatre is okay enough to start demanding things. That is a good sign. I reach out a hand to Heero and he takes it.
"I'm almost done. Then I'll find Duo a chair and you can go see him." Sally says.
"I don't mind carrying him." Heero gives me a faint smile.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here." I chide, his smile giving me confidence again. "My legs are broken, not my ears."
"Which would you prefer then?" He asks, smile widening. "Want a chair, or me?" His voice is light and teasing.
"I always want you," I meet his eyes and smile back. "But I don't want to strain your back either."
"I'll get you a chair." Sally pats my leg. "All done. I'll be right back." She leaves and Heero moves a step closer. I can see he's searching for words. I hope I know what he's going to say.
"Heero- I- I think we need to talk." I manage. He nods, reaching out to brush my bangs out of my face.
"I know we do. But we need to see Quatre first. And get your meds." Then he says something that I wasn't expecting to hear, but makes me happy for a moment. "But let me tell you this first- I won't leave you as long as you need me here, okay?"
At first I want to thank him, and then I want to ask if that means that he's going to leave when he thinks that I don't need him anymore.
I want to tell him I will always need him.
However, I don't manage to get anything coherent out before Sally comes back with the wheelchair.
"All set," she says cheerily. "Quatre's waiting."
She has a freaking lousy sense of timing.
She and Heero settle me into the chair and then she pulls a small cup of pills out of her pocket. "These should make you less sleepy. Let me know how they work and if they do, we'll get you a prescription for them, okay?"
"Okay, I tell her, wanting to get our visit to Quatre over and done with. I swallow them with some water and then Heero pushes me down the hall, Sally keeping pace beside us.
"I don't think you'll have any trouble, but these pills can have side effects and some people are allergic. You shouldn't be, but if you start feeling sicker or your stomach starts to hurt, call me right away."
"Okay," I say again. Doc G made sure I was pretty immune to a lot of things and I've never been allergic to anything in my life, so I should be fine. I dismiss it from my mind as we go into Quatre's room.
Quatre smiles at me. "You okay Duo?" He asks as Heero stops my chair next to his bedside.
"Just fine. You were the one we were all worried about."
"I'm fine." He shrugs. "They want to keep me here for observation for a few more days, but I want to go home."
"Good luck trying to convince them of that." I nod towards Trowa on the other side of the bed, hovering protectively.
"He won't," Wufei says calmly from his place beside me. "He's staying until the doctors say he can go, and not before."
Quatre makes a face, which makes me laugh and then he turns to Heero.
As they speak, Wufei leans over my shoulder and murmurs in my ear:
"If Heero leaves you, we'll break his legs too."
I raise an eyebrow at him and he merely smirks back.
I have a feeling that he's serious.
~*~
Heero doesn't say much on the way home and I start to get nervous. Why can't we start our talk in the car?
Then again, all things considered, cars have not been lucky places for me lately. Maybe it's best we wait until we're home.
My stomach starts to tie itself in knots. I want this talk to go well. I want this to work. I don't know what to say or do, but I need to think of something.
I'm so anxious that I'm ready to throw up by the time we finally get home.
"Leave the chair here? We... you can get it later." I suggest to Heero as he frowns at the trunk, obviously trying to decide how to get both the chair and me upstairs.
"Okay." He agrees and reaches out to pick me up. I wrap my arms around him tightly, hoping that the contact will ease my nerves. He carries me up the stairs and into the apartment.
"Bed?" He asks.
"Sofa." I tell him. We've had a lot of talks on our sofa, good ones. I want those memories to be lingering in his head as we talk to remind him that it can be good with me. He sits down beside me stiffly. Last time we were on this sofa, I was curled up happily in his arms... and he was planning to leave without saying anything. I launch myself at him, needing to feel his arms around me, and manage to knock us both over. "Duo?"
There's too much I need to say.
"I don't hate you. I don't want you to change. I read the email. I heard you talking to Sally about how you were going to leave and I asked the nurse to get the computer for me. I didn't tell you because I was afraid you would leave anyway. I don't want you to leave. I was trying to show you that I love you. I don't know why you would think that I would hate you..." My stomach is really hurting now, making my head pound too, and I have to take a breath. I need to be calmer. I need to get this out...
"Duo-" I hear him say, and I jump back in again. He needs to hear me out first!
"That's not true, I know why you do. I've been trying to get you to change... but I really haven't. I just like having you with me. I don't like being without you..."
I take another breath, hoping that my stomach stops twisting. Heero is listening to me, I need to stop panicking.
"You need to relax," Heero's voice is soothing as he arranges us the way we were- was it only a night or so ago? Why didn't I stay?
My stomach is still hurting, my head still pounding, but I can breathe a little easier now. He must still care...
"This is my haven." I tell him, willing to beg at this point. "Don't take it away from me Heero. Please. I'll do anything..."
"All I want is for you to be happy, and I don't think I make you happy." Heero says. How many times has he said that now?
"Why don't you think I'm happy?" I ask.
"You want me to be different, I know you do, no matter what you say." His hand strokes down my braid. "And I can't Duo, I've tried. I know you want me to be more social and outgoing- more like you. But I can't be. I'm a weight around your feet..."
"I'm sorry," I interrupt him. "I didn't want to make you feel that way. I didn't! I just... when I try and get you to come out with us..." A wave of pain washes over me and I gasp.
"Duo?" Heero's hands are tight on my arms. "You okay?"
"It's just nerves," I manage. "I don't want you to go and I don't know how to make you understand..." My vision is starting to darken at the edges.
"Duo!" Heero sits up, pulling me up with him, one hand reaching for the phone. "Duo- you're pale..."
"I'm okay..." I manage again, and then the darkness swirls up into my vision and I pass out.
TBC...
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