Falling Part 4
What should I do? I can't go back to the apartment- it was bad enough when Heero wasn't there- but now- I can't be there. Besides, Heero won't want me there... Where can I go? I don't have any other home but him- and now I've lost that...
"Duo."
Turning quickly, I discover Trowa behind me, a faint smile on his lips. Before I can even think about how to react- before I can turn and run- he reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder.
"You okay? Quatre and I stopped by the apartment for you, but you weren't there. Did you get any sleep at all?"
"Fine," I manage, my mouth dry. Maybe Wufei hasn't talked to them? "I'm fine. I couldn't sleep- so I came back here..."
"And sat on the edge of the roof over there." Trowa's smile vanishes. "You scared the hell out of Chang, you know."
Guilt clogs my throat. "I didn't mean to..."
"I know." His grip on my shoulder tightens. "Come walk with me? Quatre went up to sit with Heero- so you don't have to worry."
Short of hurting him, I'm not sure how I can get away. He doesn't let go of me; his hand simply slides down my arm, and grasps my elbow. He pulls me down the street and around the corner before I can react. There's a small park here, a tiny green oasis in the midst of the tall buildings.
"Sit," he says to me when we reach a bench, and I do. His hand leaves my elbow as he sits down beside me, but I see the way he watches me out of the corner of his eye. I'm trapped.
Why did I stop? If only I had moved on when I had the chance...
"You're leaving, aren't you?"
It's like being drenched in ice water. How did he know? Could I bluff it out? "Leaving- why would you think..."
"I saw it on your face earlier- standing out in front of the hospital. So did Quatre. He was ready to tackle you, tie you up and cart you back up to Heero."
Shit.
"Why Duo? Why leave now? Don't you think that it will just hurt Heero more?"
That's an easy one to answer. "No."
It's Trowa's turn to look surprised. "What do you mean, no?"
Maybe if I explain it to him, he'll understand? "I fell asleep- when I woke up, Une was there. They thought I was asleep- Heero said-" It's hard to say the words even now. "Heero is mad at me- and he should be- but he thinks he needs to hide it from me- that I'll do something if he doesn't. I don't- I can't stay there knowing he feels that way, Trowa- I can't-"
Trowa regards me silently for a moment. "Even if he is mad, it doesn't mean that he's going to stay mad. He loves you. He'll get over it-"
"You don't know that-"
"I don't?" Trowa lifts an eyebrow at me. "Ask me if I'm still mad at Quatre."
Mad at Quatre? What the hell for? I think, and then I remember. "That was different- Quatre was being influenced by Zero-"
"You were being influenced by your anger. Do you regret your actions?"
"Of course I do!" The words catch in my throat. "I never wanted this-"
A sharp ring cuts me off- Trowa's cell. Keeping one eye on me, he fishes it out of his pocket and answers it. "Barton." His lips curve a little. "No, not yet- it's not like I carry rope around with me, you know."
He listens for a moment more, never taking his gaze off of me, his smile vanishing. "I don't know.... Yes, of course.... Mm." He hangs up the phone and frowns at me. "Heero is still sleeping. Quatre says if we hurry back upstairs he'll never know you were gone."
"But-"
"If you say no then I'm to knock you out, break your legs and Quatre will make sure you get the bed next to Heero's."
He's not kidding.
"Trowa- he doesn't want me there- he said-"
"Duo- you aren't thinking this through. Wufei said Heero nearly broke his arm trying to get out of bed when he saw you on that ledge. Does that sound like someone who will never forgive you? Even if he is mad- he still cares enough about you to worry about what you'll do if he expresses it."
I couldn't meet his eyes anymore. I hadn't thought of it that way...
"And if he was willing to do that- how do you think he'll feel when he finds out that you left? Even if he is mad at you- won't he blame himself?"
He would. I know he would. He always takes everything to heart...
"Duo," Trowa's voice drops a little. "At the very least- go and ask him if he wants you to leave? If he does, I swear to you that I'll help you go. But if he doesn't- then you owe it to him to stay."
I don't think I could bear it if he told me to go. And if he tells me to stay- will it be because he wants me there- or because he's worried about what I'll do?
Why had I lingered outside the hospital? Why hadn't I just gone and submitted my resignation to Une and then headed for the scrap yard or the sweepers? Run and hide- I'd be away from this- away from my guilt...
But then wouldn't I be leaving all of it with Heero? Bad enough I got him hurt...
Trowa's right. At the very least, it should be Heero's decision if I go or stay. His decision of the type of penance I need to do. Not mine.
I barely manage an 'okay', before Trowa grabs me off of the bench and drags me back towards the hospital.
He doesn't speak as we walk through the hallways and crowd ourselves onto the elevator. As we near Heero's room, I can feel my heart pounding in my throat.
What will I do if he says go?
What will I do if he says stay?
"Quatre, goddamnit!" Heero's voice blares into the hallway as we reach his door. "I am not going to sit here-"
"You aren't sitting," Quatre sounds amused. "And the doctor said no straining yourself. So the answer is still no. No you may not sit up, and no, I will not find you a wheelchair, and no, I will not find you a nurse to threaten."
Trowa's hand finds my elbow again. "Sounds like Heero woke up," he says in my ear and pushes me into the room.
Quatre looks up at my entrance with a smile. "Ah, there you are, Duo." He says and gets to his feet. "If you two will excuse us?" He brushes by me, patting my shoulder in passing.
The door closes behind him and I am left face to face with Heero. He's slumped back into his pillows, pale as his sheets, but his eyes are fixed on me with a familiar intensity.
"Duo," he says and holds out his hand, a crumpled sheet of paper between his fingers.
My note.
I wet my lips, trying to think of something to say, but no words come to mind. Heero's gaze never leaves me as I struggle for a way to start. He's the one that finally speaks.
"Why?"
TBC...
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