Falling Part 5
I can't look at Heero, can't meet the pain in his eyes as he holds out my note, crumpled and torn.
He makes an exasperated sound. "This says you're leaving! Why?"
"I... I thought it would be best..."
"Why? What the hell put an idea like that into your head?" Now I can hear the anger in Heero's voice, and even as a part of me flinches from it, the other part knows that I deserve this.
"I heard your conversation with Une. I know you're upset with me- I thought-"
Heero slams his fist into the bed. "You thought I'd be happier with you gone? Is that it?"
"Yes." I say and brace myself for the rest. He's going to tell me that I'm right, that he is mad at me and wants me gone...
"Damn it, Duo," he says, his voice much softer. "Come here."
I move closer to the bed, still carefully not looking at him. I don't think I can bear to see his anger, as much as I may deserve it.
"Right here," he says and pats the place next to him on the small bed. Unsure, I perch on the side, only to have him pull me down beside him.
"Heero! You're hurt!"
"Yes," he says, still in that soft tone. "I am. But I need you here right now." He wraps his arms around me, holding me against his side. I don't dare resist, afraid that I'll touch one of his injuries and hurt him more.
"Heero- you shouldn't-"
"I don't care. You've scared me nearly to death three times in the last 48 hours or so. I think I'm entitled to hold you if I want." He nudges me gently. "Put your arm right here," he says and I carefully drape it across his waist. "And here," my head is on his shoulder.
His body relaxes against mine, even as I tense more, fearful of hurting him. His breathing evens out a bit and I mentally smack myself. The man is badly injured- he doesn't need to be dealing with this right now. Why am I such a fuck-up?
For a long time, he doesn't speak, he just holds me, and I can't find anything to say. All I can do is carefully store up this memory- just in case.
"I'm furious at you," he says against my skin in a tone like a caress- and I want to run- but I don't dare move. "But not like you're thinking. This," he waves a hand at his torso, "is both of our faults. I know I could've ended that whole mess with an apology- and you would've been back at my side in two minutes."
He's right. I would've, but- "I could've too-"
"Exactly. Neither one of us did. So it is both our faults. I'm not mad at you about it- more like ashamed of my own stupidity- our stupidity."
"But-"
His grip tightens, just a little. "I'm furious that you don't trust me to love you."
Don't trust him? "Heero-"
"No. If our situations were reversed- would you want me to leave? Or throw myself off a building?"
"No!"
"Then why not trust me to feel the same?"
Don't I trust him? I'd do anything for him, but... he's not like me. He wouldn't have messed up like this if our positions were switched... I'm the one who screws everything up... I don't deserve him...
I must've said that last part out loud, because Heero makes a soft sound. I bite my tongue.
"Oh Duo," he sighs against my skin. "You are worth it, you know."
My throat tightens. He still feels that way? After everything? "You don't need this right now-" I try and he sighs again. He tilts my face up so that I can't escape his gaze.
"But I do need you." He's not lying. He's not saying it to make me feel better. The truth is there in his face.
"Are you sure?" I can't help asking.
"Very sure. Don't you want to stay with me?"
That's an easy answer. "More than anything... But- I really messed up, Heero."
"We all do. That's just life."
He's right.
"So you'll stay?"
"Yes."
"Good." He puts my head back down on his shoulder. "Then close your eyes and get some sleep. We'll talk more when we're both rested."
"Okay." I press my lips against his shoulder.
"You'll be here when I wake up?" He says softly.
"Yes." I promise and listen to his breathing even out. I can't believe how close I came to losing all of this... I won't do it again. As long as Heero needs me, I'll be here with him.
OWARI
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