Cyberficcy Part 3
I scroll through the schematics slowly, letting Duo study each one, building him up for the important ones...
He... fell apart in front of us when I told him that the doctors hadn't given me those memories... The expression on his face... The pain.... It hurt to stand there and say nothing, even as I searched for something to do... to say... G came to my rescue.
Duo is leaning over the screen, studying each detail closely, fascinated... how will he feel when we reach those final images?
I don't know what I am hoping for. How will he react? G is right. He has to know- there is so much pain in him still, and so much longing in myself that I can't bear for him not to know...
There aren't any others to show him... so I pull up the one that shows the connections to the brain...
It doesn't take Duo long to realize what he's seeing.
There's a crash as his chair falls over.
He whirls around to face us, his eyes wide. "You... that's a brain!"
G nods. "Yes."
"A human brain!"
"Heero's brain." G says and Duo clenches his fists.
"What have you done to him?" He demands, his eyes are on G, not on me, and I am glad because it gives me a moment to get myself under control again.
"We created a cyborg." G touches my shoulder. "It took us a long time and we weren't sure we'd succeed, so Une was the only one who knew."
"And after? Why let me think he wasn't Heero?"
G looks at me and so does Duo- it takes me a moment to find my voice.
"I asked that they not tell you that I was... here." I touch my forehead self-consciously. "I... I thought it best."
Duo's fists slam into my shoulders. "Damn you!" His fists rise and fall several times as he continues to curse. "How could you?!"
I pull him close to me. He'll hurt himself if he continues to try and punch me. He sags into my arms, his face against my shoulder. "How could you?" It's a whisper now, and I hear the tears in his voice.
The door clicks shut and I realize that G has left us alone.
"Why?" He asks, his hands twisting in my shirt.
"You saw the diagrams Duo... I'm... I'm not what I was... I'm not really alive at all..."
He pulls a little away from me, his eyes moving over my frame. He's seen the diagrams- he knows what's under the silicone covering. "But... you remember everything... don't you? You know me...?"
I touch his cheek gently; slide my hand into the hair at the nape of his neck like I used to do when I wanted him to listen to me. I see his eyes widen, see the tears form at the corners. "I couldn't forget you. I wanted to see you- wanted to tell you I was here... but Duo- it's been months... and like I said- I'm not really me anymore. I can't... I can't be what I was to you..."
"Why not?" His hand touches the side of my face. "I missed you so much..."
"I missed you too." I pull him close; hold him as tightly as I dare. I don't want to let go. I don't want to do what I know I have to do...
"Then why didn't you tell me...?" His hands tighten. "Are you still mad at me?"
"Mad at you? For what?" Why would I be mad at him?
"I'm so sorry," his voice is so soft I almost miss the words. "So sorry..."
What is he talking about?
"Duo?"
"If I had moved faster... you could've gotten away..." Oh no. He hasn't been blaming himself...?
"Duo- don't! It was an accident- it wasn't your fault."
"But-"
"No. If it was anyone's fault it was mine. I'm not mad at you. I'm just glad you got out of there."
He doesn't answer me, just moves even closer, his head resting on my shoulder. A part of me expects him to realize that I'm not breathing, that I don't somehow feel like I used to, that he's embracing a machine... but he doesn't.
I close my eyes, and for a moment it's easy to forget that I'm not what I used to be.... That Duo and I can go home, resume our life together...
But...
"Heero-" he lifts his head- and I know he's going to kiss me...
I turn my face away so that his kiss lands on my cheek. "Duo- I told you... I'm not... I can't..."
He leans away a little, frowning. "I saw your schematics Heero. I know you can feel things..." His hand brushes down the side of my face.
"It's not that... but I don't breathe. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I'm... not human anymore. I can't be... We can't be... what we were. You must see that."
"No," he shakes his head. "Heero- you're still you inside- that's all that matters to me..."
Before I can reply, the door opens and J is there.
"Heero- Une has a mission for you. A solo- and you have to leave right away- top priority." In other words- an emergency.
Duo lets me go, meeting my eyes as he does so. "This discussion isn't over Heero."
~*~
"This discussion isn't over Heero." No way in hell is it over. "I know you have to go, but when you get back, we are going to talk. Understand me?"
I am not letting you walk out of my life.
He nods. "All right Duo. When I get back, we'll talk."
Before he can move, I fling my arms around his neck and kiss him lightly on the mouth.
It's not bad- he's a little colder than he used to be, but he feels 'real' enough. He looks surprised. For a moment I think he's going to kiss me back, but then J clears his throat.
"I have to go." He gives me a faint smile. "I'll see you when I get back."
"You damn well better."
He follows J out of the room and for a moment I want to stop him, reach out and hold on and not let him out of my sight again.
But I can't... I have to be stronger than that. He has a mission... a solo mission... panic starts to rise...
No. I saw his schematics. He's harder to hurt. He'll be okay.
He has to be okay. I can't lose him again.
But I will if I don't get myself together.
He has a mission.
So do I. When he gets back we're going to talk, and if I can't be convincing enough, then he's going to leave me... again.
How can he even think of it? The anger rises again and I throttle it down. Not now. I can't be angry now- if I am it will just drive him farther away...
Logically. Think logically. Heero missed me. He said so. He wanted to be with me, but didn't think it was the right thing to do. That's how Heero is- always wanting to do the right thing. Always willing to sacrifice himself...
Heero's hands on my shoulderblades, pushing me around the corner- 'take cover!'
I shiver at the memory.
He's not going to do it this time. Not for me. Not again. No more sacrifices.
G is waiting for me outside of the room, looking older than I've ever seen him. "I'm sorry Duo. It was in our plans to tell you when we got him mobile, but he wouldn't let us..."
"Why?"
"At the time he said he was sure you moved on- didn't want to interrupt your life." G shakes his head. "You were the first thing he thought of when he woke up- he went right to the computer to access the security cameras to see you..."
And had seen our changed office... I knew how he'd think of that...
"Did he ever say anything more about it?"
"Not a word- you know how he is." G shrugs. "I tried to talk to him about it, but he never cooperated."
"I need to talk to Une. I know he was supposed to train us- I want to make sure that I'm on that list. Then I want him back as my partner."
"I don't think that will be any trouble- that was the original plan." G smiles. "And since you are his partner, you need to know what he's capable of, don't you think?" He steers me towards his computer. "Let me show you a few modifications I made that aren't on the schematics."
~*~
When I leave the lab at long last and return to my office, after a quick stop to see our Commander, the guys are waiting for me.
"Duo!" Quatre leaps up. "What the hell is going on? Une wouldn't let us go down to the labs- and then she sent that thing out...."
"It's not a thing," I snap at him. "That's Heero."
"Wh-at?" His eyes widen in shock.
"Duo," Wufei frowns, moving close to me. "I know you've been... under a lot of pressure lately, but Heero's dead. That's just..."
"It's Heero!" I cut him off. "The docs made him into a cyborg. It's Heero. They took his brain and put it into a mechanical body. It's him!"
Quatre still seems to be searching for his voice. Wufei is staring at me as if I've lost my mind. Trowa leans forward, looking... relieved?
"Really Duo? You're sure?"
I nod. "I saw the schematics... talked to him. It's Heero."
Trowa closes his eyes. "Thank god. I thought I was going crazy out there on the course..." He opens them again, frowning. "Why didn't they tell us?"
"Heero wouldn't let them. He... was unsure of his welcome."
"Unsure? Of us?" Trowa slides off the corner of my desk. "Where is he? Can we see him?"
"Une sent him on a mission." I push down the panic that rises up again at the thought. "He'll be back soon." I hope...
"Alone?" Quatre has recovered. "Already?"
"Yes. I already went to Une, told her I want to be his partner again..."
"Duo-" Wufei interrupts me. "Are you sure that's wise? I mean... it's Heero's brain in there, but he's not- he isn't..."
"He's Heero. That's all I care about." I grab my jacket from the back of the chair, not wanting to stay. "I'm going to go home." As I close the door behind me I can hear their voices start up. Talking- or arguing?
I don't care. I head for home.
For the first time in a long time I'm happy when I open the door. Heero isn't here- but he will be. He'll come home... somehow I'll convince him. I need him...
I curl up on the couch and close my eyes. The sooner I sleep, the faster time will pass, the quicker Heero will be home...
I wake up when the phone rings. The room is dark; the little clock on the phone tells me it's 2 am.
"Maxwell?"
"Duo," it's G. "Can you come down to the lab?"
"Now?"
"Heero's mission ran into a few problems..."
No....
I slam the phone down and run out of the door a moment later.
TBC...
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