Cyberficcy Part 2
To quote Duo in his more colorful moments: That fucking sucked.
I focus on moving the mech through the Preventers' HQ without damaging anything, try not to think about the reactions of my friends to me...
Well, no, I remind myself, they weren't reacting to me. They don't know I'm in here. They just think I'm a copy... based on J's protégé... they don't know it's me.
It shouldn't hurt so much to think about how they refused to work with me...
How they called me 'it'...
And Duo... Duo's face when he'd looked at me... So much pain. I didn't think that it would hurt him so much to see me... I was wrong. I saw the pain he hid behind his anger, saw the effect my voice had on him...
I wanted so badly to go and take him into my arms, tell him that I'm in here... but even if I did... he might still turn away from me, be horrified at the monster I've become...
Why didn't Une tell me she was going to try and force them to work with me? What was she thinking? It's easier to be angry with her, easier to focus on that anger- it helps me push away the pain.
Duo... what would you do if you knew I was in here?
There's a crowd at the training field already. I stay in the mech however. I don't want to go out there and get stared at. Une will be down here soon and we can start the demonstration...
I scan the crowd looking for her, and I see Duo... Why is he here? He refused- and rightly so- to work with me. I didn't think he'd come and watch...
He's standing on one of the observers' platforms, his hands tight on the railing; his eyes focused on me- or rather the mechsuit. Why is he here?
Behind him, leaning close are the others. Trowa is talking to Duo- I can't read his lips from here but he looks upset about something. Duo isn't listening to him though- his eyes are on me...
There's a stirring in the crowd. Une is here. I look at the clock- it's time to get started.
I push everything out of my mind. The sooner I finish this the sooner I can go back to the lab, back to that tiny room J and G have given me and lock myself in for a bit...
The suit is like an extension of myself- I go through the course automatically, intent on putting on a good show for the Preventers watching. They need to see that the suits will protect them in combat situations... need to see that I will protect them...
Halfway through the course, I eject myself from the suit and finish the rest by myself. I know this new body of mine is more impressive than the old one- quicker, heavier, able to take more damage... I finish the course faster than I ever have before.
There is a spontaneous round of applause when I finish from the Preventers. If I could, I would sigh in relief.
Une nods at me and I go back to the mech suit and climb back inside. Finally, I can go back to the lab....
G is there when I walk the mech in, but J is absent. 'With Une', G informs me and then asks if I've managed to damage myself.
"Hardly," I roll my eyes at him and head to my small cubicle.
Once there, I pull one of the cords out of the wall unit and plug myself in. I close my eyes and use my connection to start scanning the Preventers' files. Since I won't be going with the gundam pilots on missions, who are the most likely probabilities? It might be good to take a look...
Anything to keep my mind off of Duo...
Why did he go to the demonstration?
I hear voices start up in the next room- J must be back. I keep my eyes closed, focused on the files I'm scanning. They don't need me right now...
The door to my cubicle suddenly slams open.
I blink.
Duo is standing in the doorway, his eyes blazing with anger.
"They gave you Heero's memories! Didn't they?" He demands.
What...? Why would he...?
"Answer me! I know you can! They gave you his face, his voice- and his memories!" He steps into the room, rage radiating off of him. "You completed that course just like Heero would! There's no way you could do that without his memories! Did they give them to you?"
Oh shit. My moves... Duo recognized them...
Why hadn't that occurred to me? Had I wanted him to know it was me?
"No," I answer as softly as I can. "They didn't give me his memories." That's the truth after all.
He starts shaking his head. "No! You have to have them. There's no other explanation..."
There is... but not one I can tell him... What do I say? Can I tell him?
Should I tell him?
~*~
The guys follow me down to the course. I know they are worried about me- they think I've gone off the deep end and maybe I have... but the damn thing moves like Heero... and I know the kinds of things G's been working on. Hell, I've given him a few recordings of my memories... it's possible that Heero did the same... He never mentioned it, but that doesn't mean that he didn't...
Though what does it matter? A voice inside my head whispers. It won't have those memories of his final moments... won't be able to tell me if Heero hated me for what happened...
But... if he had... then something of Heero had survived...
I push my way to the front of the crowd where I can see the course. As I wait for that thing to start the course I wonder if I'm right. Maybe earlier I was blinded by how much it looked like my Heero... maybe I was seeing what I wanted to see...
I know I've been too close to the edge for too long... this machine may just be the thing that's pushed me over...
But then it starts the course and I know I'm not wrong. I hear sharp gasps and comments behind me- know the guys are seeing what I'm seeing. The fucking thing does the course exactly like Heero would- the suit moves like his gundam and once it's out of the suit...
I've run the course with Heero over and over- I know all the things he did to get through it... and that machine did every single one...
For a moment... I forget that it's not my Heero... as he makes the last jump over the last ditch; I hold my breath like I always did when Heero did it that way instead of swinging over...
It hurts to make myself remember that it's not him...
It finishes the course to a round of applause. I guess it is impressive... this wonder of machinery... J is by Une accepting congratulations and I'm suddenly angry. What did he do that was so impressive? The skill here was Heero's! They simply stole it!
Anger is better than depression and so I let it build. How dare they do this to Heero's memory? How dare they do this to me?
I push my way past the guys and head for the lab. I'm going to find out what they did one way or another- even if I have to crack into that precious machine of theirs myself...
G is in the lab when I get there.
He blinks at me, surprised. "Duo?"
"You gave it Heero's memories! You did! How could you?"
He puts a hand on my shoulder. "Duo, I promise you- I did no such thing."
"You did too! There's no way he could've completed the course like that!"
"Duo..."
There's a noise in one of the small rooms to the side. I shake off G's hand and slam the door open. It's there... blinking at me in a confusion so like Heero's that chokes my anger and it takes me a moment to find my voice.
"They gave you Heero's memories! Didn't they?" It doesn't answer. Only looks at me like Heero used to when I got mad at him- as if he wanted to say something but didn't want to make me madder and it's suddenly hard to choke out the words through my tightening throat. "Answer me! I know you can! They gave you his face, his voice- and his memories! You completed that course just like Heero would! There's no way you could do that without his memories! Did they give them to you?"
He looks... surprised?
"No," it says in his voice. "They didn't give me his memories."
They didn't... but then... no! I know I wasn't imagining it...
"No." I snap back. "You have to have them. There's no other explanation..." There isn't. It can't be so much like Heero and not have a part of him in there somewhere...
... a part that might forgive me...
It doesn't say anything. Just looks at me, and my anger is suddenly gone...
Maybe it was all in my head... maybe I am beginning to slide again... I put my hands over my eyes and try to breathe...
A hand lands on my shoulder.
"There is another explanation." G's voice.
"G!" It protests.
"Heero- you can't do this. Even with all the best intentions in the world. It's not right."
What are they talking about?
The hand on my shoulder tugs a little and I look up. G meets my eyes. "Sit there-" he points at the computer terminal. I sit down and he looks at it- did he call it Heero a moment ago?- and frowns. "Pull up your schematics."
It frowns, looks at me again... and then nods. "Very well."
The screen in front of me lights up and starts flipping slowly through a series of diagrams...
Despite myself I am fascinated... it is a wonderfully complex piece of machinery... all of the systems working seamlessly.... Damn the processor must have a huge capacity... what are they using...?
Another diagram pops up as if in answer to my thoughts.
That's... oh my god...
TBC...
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