Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Yaoi, post-war?, angst, sci-fi-ish...
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
Cyberficcy Part 1
It was an easy mission. Really. A quick go in, get the information and get out. Something we've done a thousand times. An easy one. Something we could do and still make it home in time for the late show...
It was an easy mission... but it went wrong.
That's why I'm standing in this hospital corridor, covered in my lover's blood, waiting for the docs to tell me something... Sally arrived a few minutes ago, J and G on her heels. Une must've called them.
The others came too. You'd think Heero was badly hurt or something, the way everyone showed up... I've seen him get up from worse.
He'll make it through this time. He has to...
The explosives were faulty. I double-checked them, Heero checked them too, but something went wrong with them... I don't know what, I just know that Heero figured it out a split second before I did and pushed me around the corner...
He didn't make it there with me...
I'm still not entirely sure how I got him out... I just remember him in the hallway...
Deep breaths. Block that image. Can't break down in front of the others. Relena already looks like she's going to cry. I hope Fei takes her out if she starts... I won't be able to deal with that... not now.
What's taking so long? Why can't someone come out and tell us something?
"Duo?"
Sally.
Her face is tear-streaked. I don't think I've ever seen Sally cry. What could make Sally cry?
No. No... it can't....
"Duo, I'm so sorry... we did everything we could....but we lost him."
No, you didn't do everything you could! I want to scream. If you had, Heero wouldn't be....
Someone is holding on to me. Several someones.... The hospital floor is cold on my knees... I can't stand up...
He can't be gone... he can't... I can't lose him... he promised me! He said he wouldn't be like the others! He said he'd stay with me!
You lied Heero.... Why?
~*~
Darkness.
Where was I?
I remember being on a mission with Duo- the timer was faulty- I could hear the mechanism start to go off too soon... I had shoved Duo down a hallway...
Pain. A lot of pain.
Duo's voice. Talking to me. Yelling at me... He sounded frantic- panicked- and my lover was not one to panic easily. I had tried to hold onto to the sound of his voice, tried to stay with him... but I must've lost consciousness...
Duo must be okay though. He must've gotten us out... or we were imprisoned somewhere...
Is he okay?
I try to open my eyes, but nothing happens.
"Patience Heero, we're still working a few bugs out. Give me a moment."
Dr. J's voice?
If Dr. J is here, then Duo must've gotten us to safety. That's good. He must be worried though. He never does well when I get hurt.
Speaking of which... that's odd. I don't feel any pain- and I know I should. Maybe I've been out for a while? I try to open my eyes again. Why won't they open?
"Just another moment..."
His voice is soothing and it calms the panic that has started to stir in me. This is strange... why do I have to wait for Dr. J? I should be able to open my eyes on my own at least... unless I'm really badly injured...
I know the docs have been working on cybernetic body parts... maybe my eyes were damaged somehow in the explosion? I don't remember pain there though...
"Okay, Heero. Try and open your eyes for me."
This time my eyelids obey me. Dr. J appears in my view for a moment and then vanishes. I can see the ceiling overhead- the one in the docs' lab. I must be lying down... but I don't feel a table underneath me... I can't feel the rest of my body...
No! My mouth wants to open in a scream, but it won't respond to me. Have I been paralyzed?
"Just a moment more, my boy, don't panic." That's G's voice.
Why am I in their lab? Why aren't I in a hospital? What's wrong with me?
"You had a very bad accident," G again. I can't see him... "about oh, three months ago..."
Three MONTHS ago?
"We've been working hard to get you back on your feet." A small chuckle. "Well, not actually your feet."
"Got it." J's voice sounds satisfied. At that moment sensation floods me in a wave. I can feel the table underneath me, feel my limbs, for a moment- I'm relieved.
Questions pop out of my mouth before I can stop them. "What's going on? Three months? Where's Duo?"
"One thing at a time." J touches my forehead. "Can you sit up?"
It seems an odd question, but for a moment- I can't. Then my body seems to remember how.
"Slight delay still." G says and J snorts.
"I'll adjust it."
I look around, confirming that I am in the docs lab. Dr J and Dr G are bent over some odd-looking equipment next to me. What is going on?
A glint of metal in my sheet-covered lap makes me look down.
My left arm... all metal...
J's hand lands on my shoulder at my choked off scream. "Sorry, we hadn't quite finished the silicone for that part yet. Everything else is covered though, and we'll have the sleeve for that in a few days."
I focus on one thing. "Everything else?" There's more of me that looks like that?
J takes a deep breath. "Everything else- except your brain. Three months ago you died on the table at the hospital. G and I extracted your brain and a small piece of your spinal cord, hoping it was still whole despite the damage to the rest of your body." He tapped my forehead. "It's now covered in titanium and wired into a body that we created for you."
I died? My body... is dead?
"So... none of me is real?" I touch my chest with the hand that looks normal... I can feel the skin under my fingertips... "Why am I warm?"
"Basically? Your system- despite the cooling devices we have built in- runs a little warm. We thought too that you'd seem a little more real if you were warm rather than cold." G explains.
"Real? What's real?" J frowns at me, going back to my earlier question. "Your brain is still there. You are still here. That's all that matters." J bends back over the equipment. "We weren't sure that we'd succeed. Only Lady Une knew what we were trying to accomplish..."
Only Lady Une? "Duo?"
G shakes his head. "We couldn't tell him, Heero. He was already so... well, if we had failed I think it would've been a lot worse for him..."
Oh gods... So Duo thinks I'm dead? I know what that would've done to him... he lost so many people already...
"Can you stand up?" J asks me.
This time my body obeys right away. I slide off the table onto the floor.
The tiles crunch into pieces under my feet.
"You're a bit heavier now," G tells me. "You need to be careful."
I wrap the sheet around my body while Dr. J watches. "Delay seems fixed. Can you walk?"
I look around. The computer is still in the left corner. I walk towards it, trying to step lightly.
"Very good." J says. But I ignore him. Once I reach the terminal, I sit down and lift my hands to start typing. G reaches out and grabs my hand.
"You can plug in directly," he tells me, and slides one of my metal fingers into a port.
Before I can ask how I'm supposed to tell the computer what I want to do, the screens begin to pop up- Preventers network, security, password accepted, cameras, our office...
Or now, simply Duo's office.
My desk is gone. Duo's has moved a little, another filing cabinet has been added. There are plants in the corners... there's nothing of me left there... not even a picture...
Duo's at his desk. He's bent over a file, his bangs shading his face, and I want him to look up, just for a moment, just so I can see how he's doing...
"Should I call him?" G asks softly.
Duo looks up towards the doorway and smiles. A man I don't recognize is standing there; he must be one of the new recruits.
My fingers touch the screen and the camera zooms in.
Duo's smile. Just the same. He's okay...
I want to sigh in relief- and then I realize... I'm not breathing.
"Don't I need to breathe?" I ask, feeling that rising tide of panic start up again.
"No." J shakes his head. "Not anymore. This body doesn't need it."
This body... the body they built for me... I fight it down. I'm still here. I'm still alive... my fingers clench and the edge of the computer desk falls into powder.
How can I be alive if I don't breathe?
"Don't call him." I look at G, his hand on the phone. "Please don't."
G looks puzzled. "Why not?"
I look down at my other hand hooked into the terminal. That's what I am now. Metal and silicone. I'm not his Heero anymore. I'm just a ghost in a shell... Duo won't want someone who doesn't breathe... who has to watch his steps carefully... who is just silicone over metal... How could I touch him without him turning away in disgust? How could I... I cut off the thought.
"It's been three months. I'm sure he's moved on." I think about the way he smiled at the guy in the doorway, the way all signs of me have been swept out of the office. If I don't have a heart anymore, why does it hurt? "I don't want to interrupt his life now..."
"Heero...." G moves towards me.
I disconnect from the terminal, the image of Duo lingers for a moment and then fades. I turn away from the screen and lift my hand at J. "This seems a little awkward. You couldn't make me wireless?"
J smiles. "Well, we have a few more things to work on. Now that you're up and about, things should go a bit faster..." He continues on about modifications and add-ons... something about programming too... I try to listen. This is my life now....
~*~
I smile for the guy in the doorway- one of the rookies Wufei is training. He wants to know something about some case... What the hell is this guy's name again? And what the hell does he want?
"Barton has that file," I tell him, finally getting what the hell he's talking about. He waves a salute at me and vanishes down the hallway. I turn to make a joke about rookie energy... and catch myself. Heero's not there to hear it.
He'd tell me I was picking on them anyway... he always does... always did.
I take a deep breath. It's been three months... two weeks... five days... and still, a dozen, two dozen times a day I'll look for him, think about him, want to tell him something... I'm not used to him being gone...
Trowa said he understood when I mentioned it to him. He says that he still sends emails to Heero's address... he keeps forgetting he's not there to get them... He's the only one who really seems to understand. Everyone else is kind, but I know they want me to move on... I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever....
If only I had been a moment faster... I could've pulled Heero with me... maybe shoved him around the corner first...
I pull my thoughts away from the 'should haves'... I can drive myself crazy with them... I did for a while there... I don't want to go back to the hospital again... Bad enough that they decided to change the office around while I was...gone. Didn't want me having another breakdown here, I guess.
I focus back on the file. Work helps. It helps me push everything else to the side... for a while at least... until I have to go home. The apartment is the worst.... Quatre thinks I should move, but I can't... Heero loves-- loved the apartment... how could I let it go? I haven't changed anything there, haven't moved any of Heero's things. They keep telling me that I need to pack it up, but as hard as it is to come home and see Heero's tennis shoes lying in the hallway, as if he had just kicked them off when he'd walked in like he always did... how much worse would it be if they weren't there? This way I can at least pretend he's simply in another room...
"Duo?"
"Wufei?" I manage a smile for him and I see the faint worry line in his forehead deepen.
"Relena asked me to ask you over for dinner. She hasn't seen you in a long time..."
"Okay," I tell him. An evening spent watching Relena and Wufei exchange looks they think I don't see across the table is not fun, but I know it worries them more if I say no.
"Great," he smiles. "At six."
"Six," I repeat and he vanishes down the hallway.
Safe for a moment, I let my head rest in my hands.
This is so hard...
Heero, why did you have to leave me?
~*~
Weeks pass. The docs do indeed give me a silicone arm to cover the metal. Without it I can almost forget that I'm not what I used to be... until I forget and break a few floor tiles, or crush a desk with a careless hand...
The docs also introduce me to their mechsuit- not much larger than a person, an exoskeleton of sorts. It encases the limbs of the wearer, gives them a protective coating of armor. Makes me wish I'd had it on that last mission. The docs haven't been able to field test it until now- if something goes wrong, a fragile human might get crushed- but me... well, I'm not as fragile as I used to be. So I go out to the training courses at night with and without the suit and run trials for the doctors.
Things are added to my body. Visual scanners, weapons... I feel like an action toy with snap on parts at times...
The docs are pleased with my progress.
So is Une.
She comes down to see me one afternoon. For just a moment I see something in her eyes that I can't identify... but then she is herself again. I'm not surprised by what she says.
This was expensive. The Preventers need someone like me. She doesn't want me to feel obligated, but she needs me out on missions. Would I be willing?
What else do I have to do? What else could I do?
I agree with her- and the docs have me give her a demonstration of my abilities in and out of their suit.
She's very pleased.
I am too, in a way, until she tells me that there is going to be a presentation. The other Preventers have to know that I'm working with them, that the suit the docs made will be field-tested by me out on a few missions and then I will have to train them to use it.
She's surprised when I balk. It's G's suggestion that wins me over, and Une agrees in relief. I can see her point... but... this is going to be hard enough on Duo- and on me. No need to make it worse.
The day of my unveiling comes all too quickly...
I'm now wishing I could sweat, encased in the suit, my face and form hidden for the moment, standing in the front of the large briefing room. I can't stand on the stage- it would crumple beneath the suit's feet. I myself will have to be very careful walking on it.
The Preventers are packed in tightly, a blur of faces... and yet I spot him immediately, standing near the back, Wufei and Trowa beside him. He's too far away to see his expression without focusing my lenses on him. I resist the urge. I can't think about him now...
Everyone is focused on the suit as Une starts her spiel.
"Good morning. I called all of you here this morning to see the latest prototype from our labs. As you can see, our body armor will be upgraded."
She gets a laugh.
"There is not enough room in here for a demonstration, but there will be one out on the training grounds this afternoon at 14 hundred hours. Report there if you wish to see this suit in action."
I can tell from the murmuring that the viewing area will be packed. I'm looking forward to going out on the course in the daylight. Up until now I have been forced to do all my training at night after the grounds are closed.
"The suit is only part of our plans to keep you safer. As you know, this job has a high mortality rate. I don't like losing more men than I need to, so I asked the doctors for a solution. This is what they developed for me."
That's my cue. I pull my portable lenses down over my eyes, crack the suit open and step out. The green lenses I have over my eyes tint the room an odd color, but they give me just a hint of... unrealness. That's what I need right now.
There's a concerted indrawn breath- the lenses don't hide my appearance after all- which is what I had originally wanted. G suggested that we just say that I was completely metal- nothing organic.
"This is CH01, the first model of the doctors' new series of mechanized Preventers. Completely programmed with an AI system and created to be a perfect officer of the Preventers. It will not replace any of you, only work beside you to ensure that you are kept as safe as possible on a mission."
I was glad she didn't say completely safe... not even a cyborg body could do the impossible.
"Why does... it... look like Preventer Yuy?" That's Trowa's voice. I don't dare look back there. I stay perfectly still, as if awaiting my next order.
"Sentimentality, my boy, that's all!" Dr. J says from his place beside Une.
Trowa doesn't yell anything back, so I assume that he bought it. I'd sigh in relief if I could.
I dare to sneak a look back at Duo.
He's not there....
Damn it. I knew this would be hard on him... I made the right choice though. I need to remember that. As long as he never finds out what's really running this body, it will be okay....
~*~
The bathroom tiles are cold under my cheek. I hadn't been expecting that at the docs presentation. G had been down in the lab with J for weeks working on some secret project- why the hell didn't he warn me?
The suit- almost a mini-gundam- 'chibi', Quatre had whispered in my ear, making me chuckle- I had thought that was the big surprise. A smaller version of our suits- almost like a mini personal tank- a terrific idea if you asked me. I was looking forward to the demonstration until the suit had popped open and the pilot had appeared...
Oh gods... why? Why make it look like him?! For just a moment... I had thought that Heero had somehow survived, that the docs had brought him back somehow... but he... it had just stood there, those green lenses cool and unseeing...
Not my Heero... just a copy... a doll run by an AI...
I had to swallow hard again.
"Duo?" The bathroom door opened and I was suddenly surrounded by concerned faces.
"M'okay," I mutter trying to get to my feet. "I was just... surprised... I guess..."
"You weren't the only one," Quatre snaps. "J could've at least warned us."
"If not J- then Une. She had to know," Trowa points out.
For some reason that makes me angry. I could almost forgive J for forgetting to warn me... I could almost forgive him for creating that thing of his in Heero's shape. I knew that Heero had been like a son to him... but Une? Une should've known what seeing that thing would do to me! She was the one who'd found me that day...
I get to my feet. "I'm going to go talk to Une."
"Right now?" Wufei asks incredulously.
"Now." The anger is helping me focus. I storm out of the bathroom, the guys trailing in my wake.
The meeting hall is nearly empty- the briefing must've finished. I make sure that I am focused only on Une. I don't dare look towards the suit. Not now.
"Commander!"
"There you all are! I was looking for you," Une says, and it throws me off for a moment. Maybe she meant to apologize? "I wanted to make sure you are on the field for the demonstration this afternoon. You will be the first group of pilots that CH01 will be training for the new suits."
I... I have to work with that thing?
"Are you crazy? We can't work with that thing!" Wufei protests.
"It's an order," Une says coldly.
"With all due respect Commander, you can't expect us to work with it!" Quatre protests.
"Why not?" A flat, too familiar voice cuts across the conversation, silencing us all for a moment. "Aren't you the gundam pilots?"
"Christ," Trowa's voice sounds strangled. "You gave it his voice too?"
"Of course," J sounds faintly amused. "Who else should he sound like?"
I don't hear Trowa's reply, because at that moment- I lose control of my gaze. I had wanted to stay focused on Une, but that voice...
How many times had I wished that I had saved just one of those stupid 'Duo, I'm on my way home' messages that Heero left on the machine every night? I can't help it...
I look, expecting to have the sight help steady me a little- those green lenses over its eyes- so like J's- did it last time.
But the lenses are gone; it meets my gaze with eyes so like Heero's that I have to bite down on my lip not to cry out.
Damn J.
It speaks: "I can easily train a different set of pilots Commander. There are former Leo and Taurus pilots among the Preventers. They also would be able to pick up the needed skills and pass them along. Since these pilots are refusing, perhaps that would be the best course?"
That sounded even more like Heero... finding alternative logical solutions...
"Perhaps you are correct CH01," Une says thoughtfully. "I had wanted my best on these first missions with you, but I hadn't taken in the emotional factor." There's a strange tone in her voice and I wonder why.
"I think that would be best," Quatre agrees. "I for one would be much more comfortable."
"Very well then. CH01, you may take the suit and go out to the training field. Can I at least rely on the rest of you gentlemen to watch the demonstration?"
I turn towards Une and nod, happy that I don't have to go out and work with it, but my eye remains on the thing as it heads towards its suit and climbs in...
Right as the casing comes down over its head... It looks at me. It looks... sad? How can a mechanical being be sad?
The suit powers up and stalks carefully out of the hall, using an odd sliding motion to go through the door instead of ducking.... I've seen that before....
No.
They didn't... did they? But how would they have....?
"I've changed my mind."
I'm suddenly the focus of all their eyes. "I'm willing to learn how to use the suit from... the... CH01."
"Duo-" Trowa looks at me. "You can't mean it. It's not Heero..."
"I know that." I look back towards the door. Only Heero would never duck in a suit... "But I think you may too after we watch that demonstration this afternoon." Before they can argue with me, I turn and leave. I don't want to go into my suspicions yet. Don't want to ask outright if somehow they programmed that thing with Heero's memories. I have to be sure...
TBC...
Back to Merula's Fanfictions Page