Author's Note: This fits with chapter forty two and forty three of Witness.
Diary of a Protected Witness Part 32
A Clearing the Air
Heero's face had some bastard mix of fear and suspicion that was so easy to read it made me sick with dread. He thought I had something to do with it--with Meilan's death. "Damn it, Duo--talk to me!"
"It's not what you're thinking."
And how could he even think I was capable of murder--that I might've participated in a drive-by shooting? It stung like hell that he'd believe such a thing. I mean, I know I was no saint; I never claimed to be one. But there were things I drew the line at--things I wouldn't do, no matter what.
Murder was one of them.
Did Heero not know that about me? I wouldn't stoop to whoring; did he think I'd go as far as murder?
"Tell me you and your friends weren't the ones who killed her."
"You fuckin' think I'd do something like that?"
"I need to hear you say you didn't."
I opened my mouth to scream at him that I was no fucking murderer, and that if he believed I was, he could fuckin' kiss my ass goodbye, and witness protection be damned! I wouldn't stick around with someone who could misjudge me so completely.
But, oh God--could I actually walk away from him? Wounded foot notwithstanding--could I even contemplate something like this tearing Heero and me apart?
How would I even breathe again? I just couldn't imagine it. Like I said before, he was so deep inside me, I'd never be free of him, even if I tried.
"Duo--please."
See what I mean? Two simple words from him, and my anger and outrage just slipped away, leaving nothing but the desire to make him understand I'd never do what he was thinking I'd done.
"I didn't do it; none of the Reapers did."
And just like that, he accepted my answer, dropping to his knees in front of me and taking my hands. "Please don't be mad at me--I had to ask."
"I know you did," I conceded, feeling a rush of fatigue and nausea on the heels of my anger. "But what would you have done if I said yes?"
What indeed? We both knew damned well that there was no statute of limitations on murder. If I confessed to a drive-by killing, it would be his job to arrest me for it. My immunity to prosecution only pertained to the Khushrenada case. Crimes I'd committed before that would still be punishable by law.
And then there was Chang; had I actually admitted to having a hand in Meilan's death, he'd probably have torn me apart with his bare hands. Would Heero have told him--risked his response to such a revelation?
His answer took my breath away.
"I'd have lied my ass off to Wufei and anyone else who asked. Nothing can bring Meilan back. And nothing could make me let you be punished for her death."
"You'd forgive me a murder?" I asked incredulously.
"I'd forgive you anything."
I threw myself into his arms, feeling like the most undeserving schlep on the face of the Earth. How could I resist a guy who had such unshakeable loyalty? Who loved me so much, he'd forgive anything I'd ever done, and probably anything I'd ever do?
I'm surprised I didn't end up bawling or something equally stupid. But I did end up clinging to him like he was my lifeline, and spilling the whole story.
I told him how Solo had been my first crush--how I'd totally fallen for him, and how he took it so slowly with me because of what I'd been through before. I really appreciated that about Solo, even after he dumped me for Meilan. He was probably the main reason I got beyond my fear of being touched after the rape; his patience and gentleness earned him my trust, and then my love.
And as much as it hurt when he "traded up" to Meilan, I couldn't totally hate him. He still had a special place in my memory, as someone who'd taken care of me when I really needed it.
That's why I stayed on in the gang. I knew there was no chance I'd ever win his heart back; but I still felt like I owed him. Guess I knew a bit about loyalty, too.
When I finished spilling my guts, Heero told me I needed to share the story with Wufei.
"You two both lost something, Duo. Maybe talking about it will bring you closer; mend that rift you started out with..."
He had a point, though I wasn't too sure of how his volatile partner would react. "Have it your way, Yuy. But if he kills me, don't say I didn't warn you!"
Chang didn't kill me--obviously--though I think there were a couple of points in my story where he seriously considered it.
Like when I mentioned being there during the shooting.
"You were there?" he snapped accusingly.
"Yeah, I was there!" And reliving it wasn't doing my nerves any good at all.
But I pushed on with the story--telling him there was nothing any of us could've done. Even Solo, who was right there with his arm around her, couldn't react in time to stop it--and couldn't do a damn thing to save her. And I kind of resented that Chang seemed to think otherwise.
"D'you think it doesn't bother me to know it should've been me? If I'd been beside Solo--if his arm had been around me, instead of her--"
"I wish it had--" Wufei stopped abruptly and shook his head. "No--that's not--"
But he was too late to stop the happy little flashback that ran through my head. "Go ahead an' say it, 'Fei. Solo did."
Yeah, he said that and more.
"Why her? What've I done?"
"Wasn't your fault, Solo. She was just in the wrong place--" My place.
I guess I'd said that last part out loud, because Solo turned on me with absolute rage on his face. "Your place? Shit, Duo--you still resent her, even now? Well, I wish you had been in her place! I wish it had been you, instead of her!"
I stumbled back, actually feeling the color drain from my face. "Jesus, Solo, I didn't mean--" I held a hand out, but he slapped it aside.
"Just get the hell away from me! You'll never take her place, Duo. Never!"
I hadn't been trying to take her place--just offer a little comfort. But my slip of the tongue had totally set him off, and there was no talking to him.
He eventually cooled down, and even apologized for the outburst. But he never took back what he'd said.
And fuck--just thinking about it had me near tears--shaking like a leaf in Heero's arms as he assured me what a fool Solo had been.
Then Wufei sort of cut in on our embrace. "Let me? I think--I need this."
Next thing I knew, I was nestled against Chang's shoulder, and he was murmuring soothing reassurances in my ear while I tried to choke back sobs. "Hush. That was a long time ago. And I'm sure Solo didn't really mean what he said. He was grieving...and he was foolish."
I don't know why, but hearing that from Wufei made it sound--right. Like maybe Solo hadn't really wished me dead in Meilan's place, but had merely lashed out because of my poor choice of words. Plus, it was probably easier for him to blame me, than to admit he was the only one responsible for Meilan's being where she was when she died. And that's what it came down to in the end--he'd made his choice and it cost Meilan her life.
What he'd neglected in that whole equation was that the decision had been as much hers as his. And I sort of hoped I got a chance to explain it to Heero that way, so that if something happened to me during this whole mess, he'd know I was as much to blame for it as anyone. I'd made my own bed, so to speak, and if I died because of what I'd witnessed, there was no one but me at fault.
But I supposed he'd just turn it around and say that, likewise, if he died protecting me, it'd be his choice. So maybe I'd drop the subject all together.
And once I calmed down after my emotional outburst with Chang, and ate some soup, I frankly didn't have the energy to even think any more. I drifted off to sleep right there on the couch.
I woke up a bit later, kind of stiff and sore--but once Heero started running his hand over my tattooed arm, I forgot all about my aches.
"Jesus, Yuy. When you do things like that--"
How to explain that he made me feel--cherished? Without sounding sappy, that is.
Not possible.
We traded some seriously mushy compliments. He thought being with me was like a dream, and I said the same about him. He said he couldn't imagine a sexy guy like me being interested in a serious workaholic like him, and I tried to tell him what a fuckin' turn-on he was. He admitted to having only had a couple of boyfriends in his whole life, and I confessed that no one--not Trowa or even Zechs--had ever felt so right for me.
And then he kissed the living shit out of me, went to bid goodnight to Cathy and Chang, and carried me off to bed.
I eventually even let him get some sleep.
Go me!
OWARI
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