Author's Note: This fits with chapter twenty-seven of Witness.
Diary of a Protected Witness Part 21
Confession
"God, you're so tense--!" Trowa hissed as his hands began their warm, soothing trek down my back.
"You have no idea," I sighed. "Been going fuckin' nuts with those two."
"Hmm," he said thoughtfully, moving to straddle my legs and settle his weight on the backs of them. "So what's with you and the cop?"
Shit! He'd seen the way I was looking at Yuy. Tro' was nothing if not observant. But I tried bluffing my way through, not really wanting to go into the whole story. If I did, I might have to admit to feelings I didn't want to acknowledge. "Hm?"
"Don't be evasive, Duo. I know you too well."
Duck and cover. "How about you and my lawyer?"
He laughed. "Diversionary tactics don't work on me, love. You should know that by now."
Well shit.
"Yeah. You high-wire performers--total focus."
I danced around his curiosity for a few more minutes, just to keep him on his toes. But I knew the moment I'd seen him there that I'd talk to him about what happened between Heero an' me.
"I kind of did something--bad," I finally got around to saying.
Trowa gave a warm little chuckle, used to my understated confessions. "Okay, Shini--what did you do that was so awful?"
"I--kinda--sleptwithacop."
I peered cautiously over one shoulder as his hands stilled on my back, and his green eyes were wide, in a rare display of genuine surprise.
"At gunpoint," I added.
Trowa's expression changed to concern and then--anger? "Which one of them forced you--?" he demanded sharply.
"Oh--fuck no!" I blurted, twisting so I was facing him. "It wasn't like that, Tro'. It was me--I was the one with the gun--"
"You? But--?" He shook his head, actually mustering a vague smirk. "Since when have you ever had to force anyone?"
"Wasn't 'forced.' Not really."
"Better start at the beginning, love," he suggested firmly.
So I did. I told him about how hard it had been to watch Zechs' funeral on national television--knowing I couldn't be there to say goodbye. And I told him about sneaking out, even though he'd heard it from Quatre. I told him about the call to Hilde, going clubbing, and having Heero show up to drag my ass back to the cabin.
Then I told him the rest--the fight--the blowjob--and the incredible sex.
"--so I--I said I'd told him it'd help pass the time--"
Trowa had one of those odd little knowing looks on his face. "But--?" he prompted gently.
"But what?" I asked, playing dumb.
"I sense there's a bit more to it--?"
I shrugged, not able to quite look him in the eye.
"Fuck," he breathed in disbelief. "You fell for him, didn't you?"
"No!" I said sharply. "Jesus, Tro'--he's a cop. I can't lose my head over a fuckin' cop!"
Yeah, well--that ship had pretty much sailed--but that didn't mean I couldn't try to deny it with my dying breath.
He caught my chin in his hand, turning me to face him. "I think maybe it's too late."
"It's not!" I surged up to meet him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him deeply--anything to distract myself from the image of Heero Yuy's intense blue eyes focused on me as he came.
Trowa kissed back, but then pulled away, shaking his head. "Don't hide behind me, Duo. You tried that when you realized you were getting serious about Zechs, remember? Just before he asked you to be exclusive--you tried convincing yourself that what you an' I had was the same. But it wasn't. And it isn't this time either. I can see the way you look at Yuy--the need in your eyes. He's gotten under your skin in a big way."
"Bullshit," I tried again. "He's just a cop."
"Aw, Shini--you were never a very good liar," he chided gently. "So tell me--how'd 'just a cop' make you hot enough to pull a gun to seduce him?"
"I was upset about Zechs--the funeral--" I stammered uneasily.
"Uh huh."
"Seriously, Tro'. I was just gonna make him strip--humiliate him a little--but then--"
"Then--?"
"He was just--fuckin' gorgeous. An' the look in his eyes-- He wanted it, too. He wanted me."
"Obviously, since he fucked you after he took the gun away." Trowa had a sort of pensive look on his face, and I reached up to touch it.
"What're you thinkin'?" I asked quietly.
"Just--wondering where he's coming from--what his angle is."
I shrugged one shoulder nonchalantly. "He wanted a quick fuck. An' that's what I was goin' for, too--until--"
"Until--?"
I looked down at the comforter, picking uneasily at it. "It was fuckin' great," I mumbled reluctantly. "It felt--right."
"Shit," he murmured sadly. "He's a cop, Duo."
"I know that."
"You hate cops."
"I know!" I closed my eyes, trying not to let Heero's face immediately come to mind. I failed miserably. "It's just--we talked--after he called you an' Quatre. I swear, Tro', it feels like he cares--at least a little bit."
"Are you so sure he's not just taking what you're offering? That he won't just walk away when this is all over?"
"I don't know," I sighed. "I mean, technically, I'm supposed to do the 'walking away,' when they put me in relocation. He even pointed that out to me when I tried to tell him he wasn't just a convenient fuck." I scowled, letting my confusion and frustration seep into my voice. "If all he wanted was a piece of ass, he could've had it a lot sooner than he did. And he could've had it since--but he keeps pushing me away. I--I don't know what he wants. I'm pretty sure he doesn't either."
"Sounds like love to me," Trowa quipped.
"Oh, fuck you, Barton!" I snarled. "Don't even go there. I hardly know this guy--"
"But you like what you do know."
"He's arrogant and insufferable!" I ranted. "He judged me the first time he laid eyes on me all those years ago--wrote me off as street trash and called me a hooker--"
Trowa's eyes widened. "He's that cop? The one you told me about who was so hot you had dreams about him for weeks after you saw him? Wet dreams?"
"When I wasn't having nightmares about the warehouse fire, yeah," I admitted.
"Go figure," Trowa sighed. "Love at first sight. Who knew it existed?"
"It doesn't," I asserted. "It's just lust at first sight. For love, you need to know the person--know his likes an' dislikes--know what makes him tick--"
"I think you make him tick, love," Trowa teased. "He couldn't take his eyes off you tonight. I dunno if it's love--but he wants you like hell."
I gave a derisive snort. "He could have me," I pointed out. "Fuck, Trowa--he's gorgeous--not to mention he kisses like a freakin' God." I leaned against Trowa, who had his arms wrapped comfortingly around me. "That'd be easy to get over--well, maybe not easy, but doable--only he's smart, too--and when he smiles, it just takes your breath away. I'd give my eye teeth to get past that shell and get him to open up--to talk to me--to stop fighting an' just let me in--"
"Oh you have got it bad," murmured Trowa, his voice thick with pity.
I nodded, not bothering to keep trying to hide it from a man who knew me almost as well as I knew myself. "'S not fair, Tro'. Why'd it have to be him?"
"He's probably asking himself the same thing."
"Psh--yeah right," I scoffed. "Look--whatever it is--between us--it's just impossible." I shook my head. "Even if he felt something, he'd never admit it. Not in a million years. And sure as hell, not to me. Forget about it. I only meant to tell you what happened--not analyze the outcome, okay?"
"Okay, Shini. For now," he warned. "Right now you need sleep. You've been so stressed out for so long-- Let me just be here for you and watch your back so you can rest easy, hm?"
"That'd be--nice," I sighed, genuinely enjoying his warm, uncomplicated embrace. I guess Trowa had spoiled me--taught me to enjoy physical affection--rather than just sex. Maybe that's what hurt the most--that Yuy had sex with me, but wouldn't show even the slightest trace of simple affection.
Much as I hated to admit it--I think I wanted that from him. Hell, I knew I did. But I had no idea how to ask for it. All I knew how to ask for was sex. I knew a dozen ways to proposition a guy--but not a single one to just let him know I needed a hug and a shoulder to lean on.
"Shh," came Trowa's soothing whisper, as I slumped wearily against him. "Sleep, Shini--no more thinkin' tonight."
His gentle hand stroked my hair soothingly, and he settled back, pulling me against his chest to lie almost sprawled across him. I could feel the tension just seep out of me as I drifted off to sleep--finally.
OWARI
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