Gundam Seiyuu Part 11
**written by Duo**
Your Smile and Mine
By ShinigamiGlancing up at the sky I'm surprised to find myself standing here, all alone. All around me the sakura petals are drifting down from the sky like snowflakes. It's a warm day and you can see the clouds inching across the sky. Birds flying peacefully, far above, and all around me there is just silence. Everything seems happy save for that last part. There shouldn't be silence. On a warm summer day like this on earth with the birds and the trees and the bright sun... there shouldn't be silence.
But then again I'm standing in the middle of a graveyard and perhaps that is the exception. Graveyards are always silent. I know that for a fact. Graveyards are always silent because the permanent residents don't speak and the guests are afraid of shattering the peacefulness around them. So the graveyards of earth seem like a whole 'nother world on themselves, one that can only be found on earth.
My mind wanders and I think about the colonies. There aren't graveyards on the colonies; they can't afford to waste the space. So instead the bodies are recycled and used for other purposes, whether the living like it or not. The only way to avoid that is if you have enough money to ship the body to earth, or if you're some big hotshot military person.
It kinda makes me glad you died on earth, Odin. I mean, don't get me wrong I never wanted you to die, honest! You know I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But since you did die I'm glad you died on earth and now you have a gravestone. True, it's unmarked so that the Emerald Empire can't sleep soundly at night. They still think you could be alive. And for once... for once I wish they were right.
I bet you never would have guessed what was going to happen in the future when we first met. When I first appeared and shot at you, thinking you were trying to hurt her or something. Heh, and I guess you were. Damn, I shouldn't have stopped you, she was so annoying! But how was I supposed to know? So I shot at you without even asking your name or trying to get the truth of the situation. I guess sometimes we all make mistakes, even a Perfect Soldier like you.
You know what's funny? I've always had feeling for you; but then again you knew that by the end. How ironic that the day after you confess your love and we actually grasp happiness into our childlike hands... how ironic that you are forced to self destruct the next day. No, that's not ironic... it's shitty. I swear if I ever meet Fate I'm going to give her one good one for you, how could she do such a thing?
What did you think when you shut me off your view screen? Were you crying like me? Did your heart twist in two? Did you feel your world stop spinning and freeze in horror when you realized that self-destructing was the only way to end this war? Did you even stop to think of yourself... or were you only thinking of me?
I don't claim to be selfish enough to think that you self-destructed just for my sake, just to ensure that I would live through the war even if you couldn't. I'm not that selfish to think I'm that important. But then again... maybe to you I was. I know I would have done the same for you. If it had been me and I'd been forced to choose between your life and my own I would have self-destructed in an instant. But...
But that doesn't mean you had any right!
How could you Odin?! How could you leave me here alone?
Well, look at me now. I'm crying. I hate it when I cry. I've only cried once since the church was burnt down, when my Deathscythe was destroyed. But you know what? Since I saw your gundam burst into pieces it seems I haven't been able to stop crying. I really hate to cry but I suppose that just this once it's ok. I mean I'm in a graveyard... and no ones here to see me cry. Except you.
And yes! These tears are your fault! Dammit Odin why did you have to be so... perfect? You were the perfect soldier, dedicated to your mission until the end. Even if in the end that mission had nothing to do with the Emerald Empire. Did you make it your mission to protect me? You must have, otherwise you never would have done what you did. You must have... but why do you always have to accomplish your mission? Even if it means death? Just this once... just this once I wish you had failed.
I don't care about the war! I would rather have seen the war continue for years to come then to see you explode with your gundam. I know how stupid and irrational and selfish that sounds but it's the truth. I wouldn't have minded the war because I would have been fighting next to you. And when it finally did end I would be able to celebrate with everyone, but most of all with you.
I... I never even got to see you smile.
That part hurts the most. Yeah, you smirked a few times but I'm talking about a real, honest to god smile, a smile full of happiness without a glare lurking behind it or a suspicious look. You used to hate how I pestered you so much, but all I wanted was to see you smile. You knew that, and yet I still think you enjoyed watching me act like a fool so you purposely resisted smiling. You baka. After I acted like an idiot and then left the room in a huff that's when you smiled isn't it? You probably did smile, when I wasn't there to see it. I know the way you think. You thought that 'as long as Solo never sees me smile he won't give up. As long as I don't smile he'll keep pestering me and won't go away'. Yeah well, you were right. But... but I wish you would have smiled. All I wanted was one and now you can't.
That hurts.
That hurts a lot.
Listen to me, I'm accusing you of things that are in the past and things I can't fix. You must be really bored with me right now, ne? Gomen koi, but I miss you so much. Do you miss me as much? Or have you been following me since the day it happened? It is a comforting thought to imagine you standing just behind me, a guardian angel to protect me until I can join you. A guardian angel with beautiful silver wings.
And no, for your information I'm not that stupid. I have no intention of rushing off to the nearest tree with a noose in hand, nor do I plan to stick the nozzle of a gun in my mouth and paint the wall with my brains. I know you wouldn't want me to do that. So I won't. I know I'll join you eventually, but I'm not in a hurry to join you. Don't get me wrong, I miss you so much! But, as clich?as it sounds, I'm alive or a reason. I still have things to do. We all do. We all still have to live on, if nothing else but to make sure that this never happens again. So that people like you never have to die again and people like me don't have to suffer anymore.
I guess... that's what I came here to tell you. We won Odin. The war is over. And we won.
My thoughts are interrupted as I hear someone yell my name. I turn my head and see Miki and the others standing at the gate of the graveyard. They're all waiting patiently for me to finish. I stand up but don't turn to face them yet. I still have one more very important thing to say.
"Ai shiteru Odin. Ai shiteru forever. See you later old pal."
As I turn away from your grave I could swear it's like this huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. Out of the corner of my eye I swear I saw something move near his gravestone. I swear it looked like a person but I'm afraid to turn, afraid to find out it was just a trick of the light. For now the pleasant wish that it was you is enough. I turn completely away from your grave and rush off to join the others, grinning.
After all, you said yourself that you love my smile. And even though I never saw yours, it doesn't mean mine has to disappear. My smile will never disappear Odin. Because whenever I smile I always think of you.
I stopped typing and just sat there for a moment staring at the screen. Spilling all of that onto a computer screen, spilling all of that out actually felt good. True, in reality I wasn't really Solo and Heero wasn't really Odin but writing out my feelings in the guise of a fanfiction sure made me feel a lot better. Before I lost my nerve I spell-checked the document and pasted it in an e-mail. I didn't even bother to reread it, know that if I did I would lose my nerve and end up deleting the story and just forgetting I ever wrote it.
Snooping through the sites Hilde had book-marked I finally found Knight of Fire's page again and sent him the e-mail. It seemed stupid but it was the only thing I could think of. At the bottom of the e-mail I signed it Shinigami and placed one more message.
"Please post this as you see fit."
I had no idea where else to send the story to. And this way, if it really did suck, then he could just delete it and it would never be spoken of again. But, if by some miracle it didn't then Knight of Fire would know where to get it posted so others could see it. I had originally intended the fanfic to be some kind of apology but I knew it wasn't. Instead most people would probably just think it was another fanfiction where Odin died and Solo confessed his love a little too late. I knew there were a bunch of those out there, heck I'd read a good amount of them.
Who was I to assume mine would be any more then theirs? But it didn't matter. The simple act of typing up the fanfic and sending it out made me feel a lot better and that was all that really mattered.
I made sure there was no evidence of the fic left on Hilde's computer then shut it off and wandered to the kitchen to rummage around for something to eat. Grabbing a bag of chips and a can of pop I dropped in front of the living room TV and began flipping through channels. If you asked I couldn't even tell you what I watched. Instead I ended up lying down on the couch and just letting the television take away all coherent thought. I drifted to sleep long before I was able to open the can of pop or the chips.
~*~
I woke up much later to the sound of Hilde attempting to enter the apartment silently, she failed miserably. I sat up and groaned loudly as the door hit against the back wall and she stumbled in, accidentally dropping her stuff on the floor.
"Cuz?" I groaned in question.
"Duo? What are you doing sleeping on the couch?"
I blinked away what sleep I could and glanced at the clock on the wall. Three in the morning? "Must have dozed off," I murmured sitting up and pushing my hair out of my face. I hate how my braid comes undone when I sleep. I swear the thing has a life of it's own. "What are you doing home so late? Were you at Dorothy's the whole time?"
Hilde nodded as she gathered her stuff from the floor and dropped it down again in a semi-neat pile by the closet. "Yeah," she yawned. "And now I'm going to go get some sleep, oyasumi."
I raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean, ohayo?"
She offered a small smirk at the joke but nothing more. I can understand, she was probably more tired then me and I could barely think straight. Switching off the TV I left the unopened pop and chips forgotten near the couch and stumbled back to my room to sleep in a real bed.
As I drifted off again I heard Hilde working furiously on her computer. What the hell was she doing? I thought she said she was tired?
It didn't matter too much. No matter how curious I was my urge to sleep was stronger then my urge to go and bug her about it. So I finally submitted and drifted back to sleep. I can't say it was a good sleep though because I kept having the same dream.
Heero was the one in the gundam... and my scream echoed as he exploded along OZ Studios.
TBC...
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