Shinigami - The God of Death Part 11
I wake up on Saturday morning with my eyes burning and swollen shut from crying myself to sleep. I don't have to open my eyes to know I am curled into a tight ball and I still feel like crying, I am that miserable. Still, after a few seconds I force myself to open my eyes. I made a promise to myself, I promised them I'd leave. I had to leave and find another place to carry on my existence, because I didn't want to hurt any of them.
Rubbing my eyes I let them open and yawn, despite myself. However that yawn stops midway as my eyes come to meet with a pair of cobalt blue eyes, starring back at me in confusion. My breath catches in my throat and I suddenly can't breathe.
"Heero?" I choke out in disbelief. For a moment I'd forgotten it was his bed I'd been lying in. But here I was and he was staring right back at me. My eyes widen as this realization sinks in. He is starring at me!
I bolt up in the bed, sitting up so fast my head spins. Reaching down I pat my hand on the bed and am surprised as I actually feel the soft covers and mattress. I can touch the bed, but yet it still doesn't quite feel real. It's hard to explain. It's almost like I'm only half way touching it, because it still doesn't give to my pushing on it, but at last I can actually feel it.
"Duo? What are you doing here?" Heero groggily sits up and rubs the sleep from his eyes.
Tears are threatening again at my eyes, but I make no effort to stop them. "You... you can see me?"
He frowns. "Of course."
My jaw drops and I forget to breathe again. In fact I'm practically trembling with amazement and excitement. He can see me! He can actually see me! A smile grows across my face and I suddenly don't care what he thinks. Jumping forward I wrap my arms around Heero, laughing happily.
Or at least I would if I could have.
To my utter surprise I soar right through him and hit the floor behind him, where I just barely manage to catch myself with trembling arms. I close my eyes tightly and bite my lip. All I can think about is how much I hate life at the moment.
"It's not fair! You can finally see me, and yet I'm still trapped like this." My arms shake and I can barely keep myself from collapsing into a sobbing mess on the floor. Oh yes, how the mighty gundam warrior has fallen. How many times have I broken into tears in the last twenty-four hours? Far too many, but trust me, I'm really past the point of caring.
I hear Heero get out of the bed behind me and he kneels down beside me. Almost timidly he reaches forward and tries to place his hand on my cheek, but it goes right through my face as if I'm not even here. Then again, I guess technically I'm only half here. I wince as I watch his hand jerk back.
"How is this...?" His voice drops off and he just stares at me.
"I... I died Heero."
"No."
I look up and meet his eyes, completely surprised by the shock written across his face. It's the look a parent gets when they find out their child has died. Or the look a husband gets when he finds his wife has died in childbirth or something equally as tragic. Is that called wishful thinking? Even in a moment like this I'm thinking of us as a couple, I guess I'll never learn.
I shake my head at him and force myself to sit up, taking a deep breath to calm myself. "Sunday... driving home from work. I swerved to avoid hitting a cat and I wasn't watching. I hit a tree. I'm dead Heero. I have been dead for a whole week."
"Impossible," he mutters silently.
"I'm the one Quatre kept sensing. I'm the one who destroyed your computer. I'm the one who stopped your car." I sigh heavily. "It was all me Heero, I just... I wanted you to notice me one more time before I disappeared."
"Then who is-"
Heero's voice is cut off by a small cry from my room and I suddenly remember Solo. Wait! Heero can see me and he recognizes me. Which means I'm back in my own body and Solo is... Solo is...
"Solo?!" I jump to my feet and race from Heero's room to my own, jumping right through the walls because it's the fastest way to reach my destination. I reach my own room to find Solo, back in his own body, sitting on my bed. He looks up in surprise and meets my eyes with his own. His emerald eyes are full of fear, he's terrified. A second later Heero bursts in through the door and stops, just staring at both of us.
I quietly approach Solo. "Solo..."
A weak smile crosses his face. "I guess I was told right. You did get your body back. I'm happy for you, Duo." His voice sounds hollow and something about him isn't right. I can't place my finger on it but something about him...
Slowly he lifts a hand and I watch as his skin slowly begins to fade into nothing, his fingers dissolving slowly into thin air. He looks at his hand and then looks at me again, the terror apparent in his eyes.
"Oh god..." I whisper.
In a second Solo is on his feet and right next to me, his arms wrapping tightly around my body. I grab onto him as he shakes, just holding on to me and burying his head in my chest.
"Don't let me go," he whispers quietly. "I don't want to disappear."
I hold him tighter, my eyes meeting with Heero's as he stands near the door. My eyes go back to Solo as his grip around my waist loosens. I know why it's loosening... his hands and arms are disappearing. And I can't do a thing! It feels horrible to know you've won, that I've won and gotten my body back, but at the expense of my friend. No! NO! This isn't happening! It can't be happening!
"Don't let go," Solo rasps. I look down at him and see his face turned up to mine. He's trembling with fear as the tears roll down his face, I feel so helpless! "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, you don't need to. None of this was your fault and I forgave you a long time ago." I tighten my grip around him but that doesn't help. We both crumble to our knees on the ground and I just watch in horror as a small smile crosses Solo's face as his face too begins to dissolve and melt away.
"Be happy, old friend."
And then he's gone.
Heero finally moves from the door, kneeling down beside me. I'm happy for once that he's silent, just letting me deal with this. While I would have welcomed a comforting hug right now I probably would have pushed him away. Heero couldn't understand. I'd gotten my childhood friend back and I had been so stupid. Rather than spending my limited time with him I'd wasted it. I shouldn't have wasted my time trying to make the others notice me. I should have spent it with Solo, making up for everything I had done wrong.
It is true what they say: you don't know what you have until it's gone. Here I thought all this time I was fighting for my life, when in fact I was given a chance at something even greater. I'd had the chance to say good bye to the person who raised me and made me who I am, and I'd shot it right to hell.
I've lost everything. Solo is gone. Again. I can't touch anything. I'm only half in this world. I can see Heero but not touch him. And he can finally see me and talk to me, and yet still can't touch me. I have to wonder, what will happen to me when this day is over? Did he discover too late? I look over at Heero, who is just sitting next to me, his face blank and masked.
"How did you figure out that it wasn't the real me that you were living with?" I ask quietly. If something happens to me I want to know how he figured it out.
"Monday, in the car. I sat in the backseat and I noticed he had no reflection."
My eyes widen at his answer. "You figured it out that early?"
He shakes his head. "I just acknowledged it was strange. I didn't connect it until he the way he reacted when Quatre told us about the spirit in the house. I knew then that either there was something really wrong or that wasn't Duo. The crucifix in the wreck was what determined it mostly."
"Heero. I was told I'd get my body back when you noticed it wasn't me, but now I'm not sure."
He opens his mouth to answer but doesn't. I sigh softly and meet his eyes, my own expression completely serious. "I just want you to know why I agreed to this. Even if I do get my body back and you punch me for being this stupid tomorrow. I did it because I wanted to see you again Heero. I didn't want to die without seeing your face one more time."
He sits there, the shock crossing his face and yet he says nothing. Timidly I reach up my hand and move it down near the edge of his face. I know I can't touch him and I know he can't feel me, but the gesture itself is important. So I place my hand as close to his face as I can and mimic sliding it down his cheek. My breath catches in my throat as I notice a tingling feeling in my hands. I watch sadly as my own fingers begin to dissolve.
"I knew it was all too good to be true," I mutter quietly, pulling my hand back.
"Duo..." I watch sadly as Heero's own hand drifts up and touches his own cheek, where my hand would have touched him had I been solid.
"I love you Heero. I just wanted you to know that."
Those words seem to hit him like an electrical shock and he freezes, his eyes locking on my face, while his hand still rests on his own cheek. I sadly look down at my own hands as the tingling sensation moves up my arms.
It's a strange feeling to know your body is disappearing. In fact it doesn't feel like that at all, it just feels like that pins and needles feeling of your foot falling asleep. I can't feel my fingers or my arms and my vision is fading. I want so much to reach forward and attempt to wrap my arms around Heero but I don't. All I can do is just sit here as I fade away, waiting for the inevitable to completely take me.
My vision is fading, the room becoming darker and darker even though my eyes are still open. I attempt to open my mouth to speak one last word to him, but I can't. My throat isn't responding and neither is my mouth. In my last few seconds I just sit there, waiting for it to all end. And all the while I see Heero sitting there, just watching me in horror. His face is so full of emotion and I just have to wonder what he's thinking.
What would he say when the shock wore off?
Would he admit he loves me too?
Does Heero love me?
I guess I'll never really know.
That hurts.
A lot.
My vision completely fades out and for a single moment I'm aware of my existence. One last second. I'd cry if I could.
Good bye Heero.
*darkness*
TBC...
Author's Note: this is not the end of the story!! There is another part coming, so please don't kill me. I promise I won't leave you hanging for long. Honest.
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