I do wish that my plotbunnies/muses/demented brain would let me do this somewhat logically. This advances nothing and we are back in cliché-land...
Duo's POV Part 1
Oh, and many thanks to Scarlet Bliss for the title finding idea. *hugs*!! Went with a Fastball song...
Out of my Head Part 3
Oh, but it had been a lousy fucking day. I groan to myself as I get out of the car and feel all the muscles in my back contract up painfully. Damn it.
I look up towards our apartment and see a flash of dark hair. Heero had been looking out the window for me. I knew I should've called him before I left, but I so wanted to just get home that I had left the office without calling. Better Heero's arms than his voice... though the one was soothing, I preferred having him do the soothing in person. And I needed him badly. I would've called him from my cell phone, but that sucker had picked today to go cellphone heaven- of course. So I knew he'd be worried when I got home.
And then all the damn traffic on the way home as if everyone had conspired to keep me from getting to home to him. On top of which, tonight was the night out with the guys. I wished I could've gotten Heero to agree to go with us- otherwise I wouldn't have a lot of time with him tonight.
I knew he hated going to those things, but I liked having him with me. I always tried to make it up to him afterwards, tried to show him that I appreciated his effort for me...
I fling open the door after nearly crawling up the stairs. Heero was in the kitchen and it was so very good to see him.
"Hey," I say as I toss my jacket in the general direction of the rack.
"Hey, he replies, frowning, "you're late." Damn, I did worry him... but I'm home now. I join him quickly, apologizing.
"Yeah, I know. There was some construction slowing down traffic." Heero gives me my welcome-home kiss and his fingers slide over my shoulders. The man must be psychic. How does he know where I hurt?
"How was your day?" He asks, letting those fingers of his wander over my back. I lean closer; let his presence soak into me.
"Awful," but its getting better now. Heero has that effect on me. I don't suppose I could persuade you to keep doing that?" And more if we can manage it? "We had a shipment come in today and two of the guys called in sick, so I had to shift it myself..." I stop. Damn it.
"You could've called me," Heero says and I hear the faint hurt in his voice.
I could have. Heero is like that. I sometimes think the reason he took the programming job was so he could be home if anyone needed rescuing. I try not to take advantage of it- it would be so easy to do. Heero is beyond amiable about stuff like this. I already take advantage of him awfully as it is.
"I thought about it," I tell him, leaning more into his arms. "But I knew you had that project to finish." Not to mention that I don't want him down there. The yard can be a dangerous place and stupid as it sounds; Heero can be a magnet for trouble. Last time that stupid stack of parts nearly fell on him.
The microwave beeps. "Dinner's ready. Go sit down." Heero tells me.
"I'd rather just stay here," I'm not that hungry and Heero's arms are a haven after my bad day.
"Why don't you go to the couch? Stretch out and eat?" He insists. Heero can be bossy sometimes, but I don't care. It's nice to have someone care about me enough to want to be bossy.
"You'll come with me?" I ask.
"Of course." Heero situates me on the couch and then sits beside me, his hands on my shoulders while I eat. He's a bit fanatical about the eating thing ever since he went on a business trip and came back to the full fridge he had left me with. I had forgotten to eat. The yard was super busy and I had thrown myself into my work because he wasn't at home. I hate being by myself. Easier to work 14 hours a day and wear myself out so I could sleep in our bed without him.
I hadn't noticed, it hadn't affected me adversely at all. I hadn't even gotten hunger pangs. Heero hadn't been terribly impressed.
I finish eating and then curl up against him, closing my eyes. Heero holds me and I just forget about it all. Every little annoying thing that happened to me today is gone. His hand caresses my braid and I just curl up tighter against him. So easy here to just let it all go...
Heero is my safe place, my haven, my shelter. I never had one before, not for longer than a few months at least, and I'm sure if I had I wouldn't be as appreciative of him as I am now.
I mentally groan at the thought of going out tonight. I love the guys and I know that it is important to spend time with your friends- not even friends really, the guys are more like brothers to me. I want Heero to develop the kind of relationship I have with them, want him to look at them the same way- we all need those ties- Solo taught me that. That Heero doesn't seem to need them frightens me sometimes.
What if he doesn't need me either? I've told him that I love him and that I want to be with him forever. He always says he loves me, but not once has he promised to stay with me. That worries me more than I like to admit.
Heero's arms tighten around me suddenly. "Oof!" I grunt before I can help it. I wonder what he's been thinking about?
"Sorry," he says and his grip loosens.
"It's okay," I tell him. He can hold onto me as tight as he likes. I don't want him to let go.
"You should go get ready. The guys will be here soon." Nope. I'm not moving. I like it here just fine. I look up and catch an odd expression on Heero's face- he looks upset... and then it's gone- hidden from me again.
What is he hiding from me?
"Hey- you okay? Was your day bad? I didn't even ask..." I probe, hoping that it's something minor...
"It was fine." He says, and there is something in his tone that worries me. I don't know why...
"Are you sure?" I ask. Why won't he confide in me? Doesn't he trust me yet?
"Yes," he smiles and looks pointedly at the clock. "You don't have a lot of time..."
No way in hell I'm going now. I close my eyes and snuggle closer. "I don't think I want to go. Today sucked. I just want to stay here with you."
That's true enough.
"You've been looking forward to it all week..." He insists, but not with any force.
"I know, I know... but it's no fun if you don't go." I shrug and keep my eyes closed. "I know you hate it, but I like having you along."
Heero makes a faint sound that sounds like a snort. He doesn't believe me but it's true. Even if he just sits in the corner all night, he's where I can see him. I can go and lean against him, I can watch him glare at the idiots who try and pick me up, I can just relax in his presence.
I know I sound completely co-dependent, but hell if I care. If Heero's with me then he isn't alone. He was so lonely when I first met him...
The phone rings and I grab it. It's Quatre, I know that without looking. Who else would call now?
"Hello?"
"Hey Duo!"
"Hey Quatre!" Heero's hand is stroking my braid again. I love it when he does that. If anyone else tried it, I'd rip off their hand.
"We're just about to leave," Quatre sighs. That does not sound like someone bound for a fun night on the town.
"What's up?"
"The usual," he says in a soft tone. "They are driving me crazy again, that's all." The fact that Quatre, Trowa and Wufei manage to keep their relationship balanced at all amazes me. Sometimes it wobbles. Usually when Quatre gets busy and the other two get wrapped up in each other, blame him for getting busy and then overcompensate for leaving him out.
Yeah, I don't get it either. I just serve as Quatre's sounding board when he's ready to smack them.
"I'd tell you that you should've stuck to just one..."
"On days like this I should've listened." There's an odd undertone to that comment. Usually that would have been a sheer joke on his part. It doesn't sound like it now.
Damn it. I really wanted to stay here- but it sounds like Quatre needs me. I'd hate to let him down...
"Well, tonight we'll let it all go, okay?"
"Okay," another one of those sighs. "I'm glad you're coming. Did you convince Heero to come too? We haven't seen him in so long-" I hear Quatre trying to inject a lighter tone. "Plus he is a great deterrent to the other two acting up. All he has to do is frown..."
"Planning to bribe him?" I laugh.
"I'm thinking about it- unless I can convince you to trade?" He chuckles, knowing what my answer will be.
"No thanks. I like mine less psycho, thank you."
"Maybe I'll just bribe the two of you into taking me in then. I'm a good cook."
"And have your two come after us? I'm rather fond of being in one piece. You're cute and all, but you aren't cute enough for that risk."
I hear someone call Quatre's name on the other end in an impatient tone. Like that already? Tonight will be just heaps of fun. "I'll be ready," I tell him.
"We'll be there in twenty."
I hang up with a sigh. Damn it.
"Quatre is going to be here in about 20 minutes." I tell Heero, reluctantly pulling myself out of his arms. Trowa and Wufei better be on their best damn behavior tonight or I will smack their heads in.
"Then you'll have to hurry." Heero says, apparently not concerned at all that I'm leaving.
I go to change before I say something I regret. Just because I don't want to leave and spend the night soothing ruffled feathers doesn't mean I should take it out on Heero.
But, I want him there with me tonight. I need him there.
I pull my clothes off, frowning. That's the trouble. I need Heero. I don't think he needs me. I could vanish tomorrow and he'd be fine.
No... Heero would miss me. Heero loved me. Right?
I pull on my clubbing pants, socks and shoes. I grab the shirt I intend to wear and go out to the main room, intending to soak up the last of my time with Heero tonight. He'd be awake when I got home; he always waited up for me.
He's at his computer. I go and lean over his shoulder, letting myself breathe in his scent, hoping I can find the words to make him want to go with me.
"Are you sure you won't come with?"
"I think you'll be better off without me," He says and I snort. Better off without him? I know he just means the socializing stuff, but I would never be better off without him. I don't care if he's just there glaring in the corner- he's there.
I sink to my usual depths: "I really wish you'd try harder- for me," I murmur in his ear. Sometimes this works. Most times it doesn't. "They are your friends too. They want to see you- and I want to spend more time with you."
He sighs and I hate myself for trying to manipulate him. "Duo- we've been through this..."
We have, a million times. I need to apologize for it. "I know, and I'm being a pushy bastard. But I really wish that you..." would come with. I need your support tonight...
He doesn't let me finish. "I can't be what I'm not Duo. Not even for you." And he shrugs me off.
That hurts. A lot. "You could if you tried harder." I manage and head for the door. No need to drive home the fact that you don't need me...
I'm not even at the bottom of the steps before regret hits me. I shouldn't take out my frustrations and fears on Heero. That's not good for our relationship and it's very unfair of me. I consider running back upstairs to apologize, but the other three arrive.
Wufei is already glowering. Great, what a lovely evening this will be. I climb into the backseat beside Quatre who rolls his eyes at me.
It's a silent ride for a few blocks.
I ask Quatre how his day at work was, figuring I can keep the conversation rolling that way. After all, my day has completely sucked and is getting even worse by the minute. I have lots of conversation fodder.
"See, even Duo knows what the most important thing to you is," Trowa snaps before Quatre can even answer me.
Oh great, this is going to be just loads of fun tonight. "Even me? I think you're insulting my intelligence," I quip, and Trowa flushes. Before I can get the conversation back on track, something crashes into the side of our car, sending us into a dizzying spin.
It happens so fast, I can't even track it. One moment I'm trying to negotiate a cease fire, the next pain is shooting up my legs and I can't move them. Quatre enfolded in metal, blooding running down his temples and out of his mouth. I can't see the front seat.
I can hear Trowa. I can't tell what he's saying, my ears are ringing and I can't focus... it hurts too much. I try to pull my legs out of whatever's hurting them, and that makes blackness edge in the corners of my vision and then my throat hurts and I realize I screamed.
"Duo...Duo!" That's Trowa.
"Yes..." I gasp.
"You okay?"
I don't know. I hurt. It would be so easy to close my eyes but Quatre is bleeding and Heero... that's right- Heero isn't here. I made him mad. I need to apologize.
I want Heero with me so badly, and yet I'm so glad he isn't here- he'd be where that metal is all twisted...
"DUO!" Trowa can be loud.
"Legs... trapped."
"Quatre?"
"Not good. Wufei?"
"He won't wake up." Sirens scream in the distance and I know that means help is on its way. Surely I can let go a little? Heero can't be here this soon?
"Duo...is Quatre dead?" Trowa's voice is soft.
"No, no he's not..." I try and tell him. I know I'm talking but I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I can't focus on anything. I want Heero. Someone is in my face, talking to me, but I can't hear them well. And then pain shoots through my legs again and something stabs my arm.
After that it's just a jumble of images and pain. I'm glad I can't remember it all.
I eventually find myself laying flat, the pain there but lessened, a familiar kind face looking down at me. "Sally? Where's Heero?"
"I just got here." She tells me. "I haven't gone looking for him yet."
"The others?"
"They'll be okay. Quatre is in surgery, Wufei is being examined. Trowa is just fine."
Oh good. If he's fine then he would've called Heero.
"Can you get Heero for me? Please?" Heero will be here. I need him.
Sally vanishes and I hope she's gone to get Heero.
A few minutes pass and another face is there- not Heero's- a nurse. She raises the bed a bit and chatters at me. How did my legs feel? I was lucky they were clean breaks. Wasn't I tired?
I am tired, but I want Heero. She makes me take some pills. I don't really want to, but maybe she'll stop talking.
The door opens and he's there. Relief surges up inside me and I realize that I was scared that he didn't come, that he stayed home because I made him mad at me. But he is here. Why would I doubt him? "Heero!" I reach out my hand to him and his touch grounds me more. "I knew you were here."
He kisses my hand. He's worried- I can see the little lines of strain fading away though, so it's okay.
"He said you would be here. Maybe now that you are he'll get some sleep." The nurse says to Heero who is looking at me closely.
Oh no. I waited all night to have Heero here. Hell if I'm sleeping!
"I'm not tired," I tell them.
"You need to rest. Please?" Heero's fingers are tight around mine. They feel so good.
"I'm not tired."
"You're exhausted. I can see it right here." He touches my face gently. "You need to sleep. Now."
"That's a good boyfriend." The nurse finally leaves and I can finally tell Heero what I need to.
"I'm really sorry..."
"It wasn't your fault a drunk driver hit you..." Heero cuts me off and I nearly laugh. Was that what happened?
"I mean right before I left. The whole time all I could think of was that I needed to stay alive so I could apologize for being a jerk..." I'm hoping that makes sense. Heero smiles at me and then I know its okay. He's not mad.
"You needed to stay alive for more than that." He kisses my hand again and I want to pull him closer, have him kiss me for real. "Duo put your head down. Close your eyes. I'm right here and you need the rest."
He's right here. He does know that I need him after all.
"So bossy," I tell him and close my eyes like he wants. He puts his cheek against my hand and I focus on that touch. He's here, he's with me.
I don't hear Sally come in. "Time to go home Heero. You need some rest. Duo should sleep for a while." I'm not sleeping now, just drifting. And I don't want Heero to go.
"Heero- he's going to be fine. I promise you. You'll have him back home with you soon." I hope they let me go soon. I want to be home with him. "He won't be able to go to work for a while, but I'm sure that all that extra time together..."
"...will make him hate me worse." I hear Heero say and my heart feels like it stopped.
Hate him? I don't hate him! Did I hear him wrong? Please let it be the meds...
"Duo doesn't hate you!" That's Sally. No, she heard it too... but it can't be real! "Heero- why would you even say such a thing?"
"Yes he does." Heero's tone is flat and cold. His mission voice. "I was packed up and ready to go tonight when Trowa called..."
Packed up? Ready to go?
He was leaving me. What did I do? Why did he want to leave me?
I want to open my eyes and scream at him... but I knew it already. Heero didn't want to stay with me. Maybe he hadn't meant to stay for so long...
But he said I hated him.
I must've done something... I think furiously, trying to push the clouds out of my head. What did I do?
Heero pulls his hand out of mine and I struggle not to reach out and grab him. He won't want me touching him... he's not mine to touch. He's leaving.
I wish I had died tonight. I would've died happy...
Heero's talking again: "I'm fine Sally. I'm sorry. I think it's just the stress. I'll go home and get some sleep. What time can I come see Duo at tomorrow?" He's coming back tomorrow? I cling to that hope.
"Visiting hours start at 9. I know Duo will be waiting for you."
"I'll be here then." A hand touches my forehead. Heero's hand, Heero's touch, but it doesn't relax me. "Make sure they give him something for the pain?"
I don't want anything else. Maybe the drugs are making me hear things...
That's a hollow hope and I know it. I hear the door close and wish that I could run away. Running would make this easier. I could leave and forget that I ever hurt Heero... that he hurt me...
What did I do? I worry on that thought for a long time.
I can't find an answer, even when the nurse comes back in hours later and I pretend to swallow the meds for her and my head clears up more, though my legs begin to burn.
If Heero were leaving, would he even leave me a note? Would I go home and find one pinned to the fridge?
No, Heero wouldn't pin it to the fridge, he'd email it...
And if he did, then it would be in my inbox.
When the nurse comes back a few hours later, I ask if I can borrow a laptop. She wants to say no, but I tell her that I need to email my grandmother and tell her I'm okay- my boyfriend is a sweetheart, but he's not good at breaking news to fragile old ladies.
That gets me the laptop.
I wait until she leaves to open it and go to my email site. I type in the password, my heart pounding in my chest. Was I wrong about this? Was he just going to leave without saying anything?
My email screen comes up and there it is.
Heero's email address and Goodbye in the subject line.
So much for this all being a bad dream.
I open up the mail, I need to see... I need to know...
There is nothing more I want in this world than for you to be happy. I've finally realized that I can't make you happy...
My vision is blurring. It's hard to see the print. I blink my eyes trying to clear them. There's more... lots more... but only some phrases stay with me... most of it hurts too much to read...
I can't be different...
I can't be what you want... I'm not good enough for you.
I know you hate me, I know you hate coming home to me and I don't want you to pretend to be happy anymore...
I know you said you'd never leave and I know you'd stay with me even if you hated every minute, because you promised me. That's why I'm leaving, so you don't have to break your promise...
I love you. Be happy.
What have I done?
My chest hurts. I made Heero think that I hated him. I made him think that I wasn't happy with him.
I'd call myself names but I can't think of any harsh enough. If my stupid legs weren't pinned I'd toss myself out that window.
I'm the one who's not good enough for him. I never had been. A better person would've shown Heero that he was loved and valued... but street scum that I am all I did was make him feel worthless.
"Duo?" There's a hand on my hair. I turn and look up at Trowa. "You okay?"
"No," I tell him.
"Do you need more meds? Do your legs hurt?"
"I wish they would hurt more." Trowa is frowning.
"Duo?"
"Heero's leaving me. He was going to leave last night, but he didn't..."
"Heero's leaving?" Trowa blinks. "Duo- how much stuff did you take?"
I pick up the laptop and shove it at him. I watch him read the email, watch as understanding dawns on his face.
"Oh Duo..." He puts the laptop on the tray next to the bed and reaches out to me. I don't deserve his comfort. "You can talk to him about it when he gets here."
That makes me look at the clock. It's 9:05. Visiting hours start at 9. Heero should be here. He's always on time.
I pick up the phone next to the bed and dial our house.
No answer. I listen to the phone ring, listen to our outgoing message. Hang up and try again. And again. And again.
Trowa takes the phone away from me. "I'll go over there, okay?"
I nod. "Okay."
He leaves and I sit watching the door. Please Heero. You said you'd be back this morning. Please walk through that door and I'll prove to you that I don't hate you. I'll show you that I love you. Please. Please. Please...
The phone rings and I snatch it up.
"He's here. He overslept. We're on our way, okay?"
"Okay." I hang up the phone and my eyes fall on the laptop. Heero can't know that I've seen his email. He can't know that I know that he planned to leave. He might see that as an excuse to leave me now.
I pull the tray over to me; mark the message as unread and close down the laptop.
The door opens and Sally walks in.
"Duo, you look like crap." She walks over and reaches for my wrist. "Did you get any sleep? Are you in pain? You need to tell the nurses so they can give you more meds..."
She reaches for the nurse call bell and I stop her. "Not yet, Sally, please. I need to be all here when Heero comes. Please?"
"Heero will understand..."
"No." I look her in the eyes. "I heard him talking to you last night and I couldn't say anything because of the drugs... I want to talk to him today, please Sally?"
Her eyes soften. "All right. He's being an idiot Duo."
"No," I whisper, my eyes on the door. "I was. But I won't do it again."
Then the door opens and Heero comes in.
TBC...
Back to Merula's Fanfictions Page