Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 5xS, unrequited Rx1, D+1
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Yaoi, angst, POVs
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing.
Heero POV Part 1
Out of my Head Part 1
I'm waiting for Duo to come home. I curl up in our window seat and watch the traffic go by, watch the sun sink over the horizon.
His dinner is in the microwave, just waiting for him.
Like I am.
He wants me to go with him tonight. He's meeting the guys at a club. He's planning to pop in, eat dinner and go. I already refused. He doesn't understand why I say no, but I understand why he keeps pushing me.
He thinks I'm socially inept, that being raised by J and Odin made me unable to deal with social situations. He wants to fix those things for me.
That's not why I say no.
I hate being out in public with Duo. I hate the way that other people look at him. Duo's a magnet. He draws people to him like moths to a flame. I don't like them looking at him like that.
I can deal with other people just fine. Duo says that I'm blunt. I don't see anything wrong with that. I can be tactful, I do know how; I just don't see the point to it all. Why dance around an issue? I can be polite, even Duo agrees with that, but if someone is being stupid why can't I tell them so?
When we are out with the others I like listening to them talk. I like sitting back and enjoying just listening to them. I like watching them, noticing the little things- the way Wufei always sits to the right of Quatre and Trowa on the left, like lions guarding a prince. I like the way Quatre's eyes always move over them when they walk into the room, checking for damage, making sure they're okay- an automatic reaction and one I fully understand. I like how Sally laughs at Wufei when they talk about the Preventer missions and tells him that he's got the story all wrong. I like how Relena always pretends to be shocked by Duo's language, and the way he says things just to make her blush. I like how Dorothy raises her eyebrow whenever she's amused.
Duo thinks I should talk more to them. That I should be more social and outgoing when I'm with them.
At a club there won't be a lot of talking. Just noise and pushing and loud music. I hate clubs. Duo gets picked up on all the time in those places. He's good at saying no, but he's going to get good at saying yes.
I watch a car drive by. It's not Duo's. The glass is cold under my cheek and I sigh, waiting. This is the last time I'll be able to sit here and wait for Duo to come home. In a way, I want to enjoy it.
It's taken me a long time to realize something that I should've realized earlier.
I'm not good for Duo. I'm not what he really needs or wants. Duo needs someone like the person he always tries to get me to be. I'm never good enough for him; he's always pushing me to be different.
I can't be different than I am. I've tried for Duo's sake, but I just end up feeling fake and hollow. Duo needs someone more like himself.
I know that Duo would never leave me. Duo is loyal. He's promised to stay with me.
I've never promised the same. I don't want to break any promises to him. After he leaves tonight, I'm going to pack my duffel and leave too. I won't be coming home again.
I'll miss my job. Duo hated it. A job where I telecommute meant that I didn't have to leave the house, that I didn't go out and meet people. But it also meant that I was home when Duo or one of the others needed me. It meant that I could take care of things here, keep the apartment the way Duo liked it, be ready if Quatre or Relena needed me to step in as a bodyguard for a day.
I see Duo's car pull into its space and watch him get out. His shoulders are slumped, his face is weary. He's tired and sad looking. I know that I'm the cause. I made him that way.
As much as it will hurt me to leave tomorrow, it will be the best thing for Duo.
I watch him walk up the stairs and I get up from the window seat. I don't want to let him know that I've seen the expression on his face. I'll let him play this part for me one last time.
I'm in the kitchen when he flings open the door, a smile lighting up his face as he walks in and sees me.
"Hey!" He says, pulling off his jacket.
"Hey," I respond, and press the start button on the microwave. "You're late."
"Yeah, I know. There was some construction slowing down traffic," he walks towards me, happy and cheerful, that weary look I saw outside gone, shoved down by my actor, hidden from view.
He hates coming home to me.
It used to make me sad. Then it made me angry. Now I just accept it. I want Duo to be happy- like he used to be.
I kiss him hello, letting my fingers slide over his shoulders, feeling the tension in him. "How was your day?"
"Awful," he groans and leans into my caress. "I don't suppose I could persuade you to keep doing that? We had a shipment come in today and two of the guys called in sick, so I had to shift it myself..."
"You could've called me," I say without thinking. Duo wouldn't want me there. That's where he goes to get away from me. He'll have a good excuse why he didn't call though...
"I thought about it," he leans into me, resting his weight on my chest. "But I knew you had that project to finish."
The microwave beeps. "Dinner's ready. Go sit down."
"I'd rather just stay here," Duo puts his arms around my waist.
"Why don't you go to the couch? Stretch out and eat?" I suggest.
"You'll come with me?"
"Of course." I reach up to get his food out of the microwave, and follow him out of the kitchen. Duo curls up on the couch and I slide the coffee table close to him. As he eats I rub his shoulders for him.
I hope whoever Duo ends up with does these little things for him. I know they aren't enough to make him happy, but he needs to be looked after. Left alone Duo will forget to eat for days and not realize it- a leftover from his street rat days. I hope they know that sometimes Duo needs to talk about things that make no sense at all at first- sometimes he approaches his problems from the sides.
Duo lifts his feet and leans back against me when he finishes, pulling my arms around him. It must have been a very hard day. Duo is always affectionate but he usually doesn't get like this unless he's had a bad day.
I hold him, letting my hand stroke his braid, storing up this memory carefully. It will be the last time I do this for Duo.
"Oof," Duo grunts, and I realize that I had tightened my arms around him, holding him a bit too close.
"Sorry," I apologize, easing up.
"It's okay," he sighs.
"You should go get ready. The guys will be here soon." I tell him. Only a small amount of time left with him... It's hard to keep my expression from giving me away.
I mess it up a bit anyway. Duo twists his head up to look at me. "Hey- you okay? Was your day bad? I didn't even ask..."
"It was fine."
"Are you sure?" He persists.
"Yes," I smile for him and glance at the clock. "You don't have a lot of time..."
Duo closes his eyes and puts his head down on my chest. "I don't think I want to go. Today sucked. I just want to stay here with you."
"You've been looking forward to it all week..." What will I do if he decides to stay tonight? I mentally scold myself. So the plans change, relax, so what if I had psyched myself up to leave tonight? I can leave tomorrow or Monday just as easily...
"I know, I know... but it's no fun if you don't go." He shrugs. "I know you hate it, but I like having you along."
Sure, I imagine having me sitting in a corner glaring at anyone that comes near you is so much fun. I bite that comment back. If I get sarcastic, Duo will know something is up.
The phone rings and Duo stretches out a hand to pick up the extension by the couch. He knows I won't answer without knowing who it is and this phone doesn't have an ID screen on it.
"Hello? Hey Quatre!" I tune out the conversation. Quatre can convince Duo to go out. I watch my hand trace Duo's braid, watch his lips turn up in a smile, watch that genuine sparkle appear in his eyes. Maybe Quatre will be the one to keep Duo happy... though he already has his hands full... but Quatre has a lot of affection to give, just like Duo does. Unlike me.
Duo hangs up and pulls himself out of my arms. I let him go, forcing my arms to stay still, not cling to him. "Quatre is going to be here in about 20 minutes."
"Then you'll have to hurry." He heads off towards the bedroom and I watch him go. The temptation to follow him back there and watch him get dressed is high, but instead I go to my computer and open some files. I finished everything I needed to do today, even left a note that will get sent to Duo's email later tonight. My resignation for my job will be sent in on Monday. I left no loose ends.
I know he'll check his email when he gets home and finds me gone.
I do my best to look busy when he wanders back in, buttoning the last buttons on his shirt. "Are you sure you won't come with?" He asks, leaning over my shoulder.
"I think you'll be better off without me," I tell him and he snorts.
"I really wish you'd try harder- for me," he says softly in my ear and the familiar guilt washes up. This is always Duo's tactic. "They are your friends too. They want to see you- and I want to spend more time with you."
I sigh. "Duo- we've been through this..."
"I know, and I'm being a pushy bastard. But I really wish that you..."
"I can't be what I'm not Duo. Not even for you." I shrug myself out of his embrace. Maybe this will be easier to do if he gets mad at me.
"You could if you tried harder." He snaps and spins on his heel. That's Duo. His temper flares up like a rocket. He grabs his jacket and opens the door.
I won't get a goodbye when he's like this. I tell myself that it's better this way.
The door slams behind him.
I get up from the computer and go to the window. Quatre's car is already at the curb, I see Duo push open the front doors of our building and stomp towards the car. Quatre will calm him down and tonight when he gets back, there will be nothing to be mad about.
I watch the car pull away from the curb and I turn away from the window. Time to get packed.
It shouldn't take long to pile my belongings in the duffel but it does. I move slowly, lingering when I know I should be hurrying. Finally I finish. My clothes, my papers, and a picture of Duo and me are all I take. I know Duo won't want to keep the picture. He'll be sharing this space with someone else soon. He doesn't like to be alone... I on the other hand will treasure it.
I zip the bag closed and pick up my keys. Should I take my set off the ring and leave them here for Duo?
I look around the apartment, keys in hand. It wasn't all bad times here. Sometimes I think Duo was happy to be with me- at least at the beginning.
My fingers twirl the keys around and I find that I can't do it. I can't pull those keys off the ring.
I pick up my coat, giving one last look around the apartment.
The phone rings.
I debate over it for a moment, but habit is too strong. I stride across the room to the kitchen phone and check the ID readout. Trowa's cellphone?
"Hello?"
"Heero! You have to come down to the hospital right away!" The duffel drops out of my hand. No...
"What happened?"
"We had an accident- drunk driver smashed into the car..."
TBC...
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