Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4
Rating: PG
Warnings: Yaoi, silliness, Relena Bashing.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not ours.
The theory of natural selection that Duo is arguing is taken from a terrifically awesome episode of MST 3000, Attack of the Giant Leeches. It seemed like something he would watch.
Natural Selection Part 1
Science Class
The teacher looked out over her class with a sigh. There sure were a lot of new transfer students in here now. And of course, they all ended up in her science class. Sheesh. Oddly enough, they all grouped themselves together too. She could see Miss Peacecraft wanting to sit with Miss Catalonia, they were aristocrats after all. Both of them were pretty girls, it shouldn't be too odd that the new boys wanted to sit near them. But still- it just seemed a bit funny to her. They all got along well for students who had supposedly never met. She shrugged and went through her notes one more time.
Wufei leaned back in his seat and Dorothy poked him with her pencil. He turned around and snarled at her. She simply smiled sweetly back. Heero, sitting next to Wufei, was doing his best to ignore the longing glances of the Princess of Pink behind him. He was leaning over Quatre's shoulder, as the blonde pilot was sitting directly in front of him, and talking quietly to him and Trowa.
Duo sauntered in seconds before the bell rang. With an evil grin, he took the seat on the other side of Relena, which she had originally saved for Heero, rather than the one on the other side of Wufei. Relena raised a disapproving eyebrow at him, but he merely smiled at her and winked at Dorothy over Relena's head. Dorothy gave him a sweet smile in return. Heero looked at Duo and then pointedly at the clock. Duo just smiled a bit wider.
The bell rang and the teacher indicated that they needed to get their notebooks out.
"Today class, we are going to talk about natural selection. Can anyone give us a brief description of natural selection?" Several hands went up, including, to the surprise of his friends and allies, Duo's. The teacher also looked faintly surprised. "Mr. Maxwell? You have a definition for us?"
"Yes ma'am. Natural selection is basically this- If you're dumb, you die."
Relena gave him a horrified glance and Dorothy hid a giggle. Wufei turned around and raised an eyebrow, Heero shook his head and Quatre and Trowa grinned.
"If you're dumb, you die," the teacher repeated flatly. She didn't want to discourage Mr. Maxwell, who so far had not ever volunteered an answer before. "Well, I guess that is one way to put it. Can you give me an example?"
"Sure," Duo grinned evilly. "Let's say that a gundam is attacking a city- not that I've ever seen a gundam, mind you, but let's say one is. The people who are smart run away from where the gundam is attacking- they survive. The people who are dumb run to where the gundam is- they're dumb and they die. Natural selection." Relena turned a bright pink to match her jacket. The teacher frowned lightly.
"Mr. Maxwell, I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to run into a battle with a gundam- unless they were in a mobile suit too. Is that what you meant?"
"Oh no- I mean someone who isn't in a mobile suit. Just running on the ground," Duo persisted, ignoring the rapidly reddening girl next to him. "I'm talking REALLY dumb, here."
"That's more incredibly stupid," Dorothy stage whispered to him, "than really dumb." Duo nodded agreeably at her. Relena slouched down a bit in her seat.
"Well, that is a colorful example Mr. Maxwell, but I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to do something like that." Relena slid a bit further.
"Maybe they would," Dorothy piped up, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "If they really wanted to see a gundam up close. If they were obsessed by it- or one of the pilots, for example." Relena put her head down on her desk. "I mean they are supposed to be really superior machines- and men." She winked flirtatiously at Duo.
"You have a point, Miss Catalonia," Duo said with a charming smile. "In that case we could say that the hormones are responsible for the dumb behavior. But even then, isn't that still natural selection? If your hormones lead you into dangerous situations?"
"It just proves the dumbness," Dorothy agreed.
Wufei was smirking. Heero had turned around to watch Duo with an I-can't-believe-you're-doing-this expression. Quatre was scribbling furiously in his notebook as Trowa smiled serenely.
"Or maybe nature is just trying to get their genes out of her pool," Duo added.
"Mr. Maxwell, Miss Catalonia," the teacher interjected. She enjoyed spirited discussions but this one was pushing the limits of reality. "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but really. Running after a gundam? That would be like telling someone to kill you. Completely idiotic. No one is THAT stupid." Relena made a small noise.
"I can just picture it though," Duo said. He got to his feet with a sweeping gesture. "A young teenage girl- no offense ladies- running towards a mighty mobile suit battle, her blond hair streaming out behind her- because let's face it, she'd have to be blonde- no offense Quatre, Dorothy..."
"None taken," said Quatre looking up from his notebook, "I'm not a girl."
"I'm not really blonde," Dorothy added with a flip of her hair and a lift of her dark eyebrows.
"She runs towards the battle," Duo gestured dramatically, "calling up at the gundam to stop, to put down his BIG weapon... to... I don't know... something romantic and silly." He put both hands to his chest melodramatically and fluttered his eyelids. "And the gundam smashes her flat." He stomped his right foot on the floor and then lifted it up, pretending to be disgusted with what he found on the bottom of it. Some of the other students clapped and he bowed before sitting down again.
Dorothy broke into laughter. "Oh no, or the gundam pilot stops fighting so he doesn't squish her."
"That would be stupid on his part," interjected the teacher. "You shouldn't stop fighting in the middle of a battle- now that's a good example of your theory, Mr. Maxwell." Heero put his head in his hands.
Quatre tilted his notebook up to show Wufei the picture he had drawn. Wufei coughed to hide his snicker. Trowa was shaking with suppressed laughter.
"Mr. Winner," the teacher had noticed his distraction, as the rest of the class had been listening to Duo and Dorothy intently. "Do I need to have you share your note with the rest of the class?"
"Oh, it's not a note," Quatre got to his feet and walked to the front of the classroom. "May I?" He flipped on the projector and put his paper on top of it.
A little stick figure in a skirt was hugging a big mechanical looking leg. There were tons of little hearts around her. A speech bubble was above her head, which read. 'Oh I wuv you!! I wuv you so much, Mr. Gundam! Please kill me because I'm too stupid to live!'
"As you can see," Quatre said to the teacher, "I was merely drawing a representation of the discussion so that I could remember it clearly." The teacher, not without a sense of humor, chuckled.
"Point taken, Mr. Winner. You may sit." She turned back to Duo. "Interesting as your definition is, Mr. Maxwell, I'm afraid the person that you are describing is just too idiotic to exist in reality." Relena slumped further down in her chair, her shoulders shaking. "Now, look, you've upset Miss Peacecraft with all this talk of battles."
"Oh, I am sorry, Miss Peacecraft," Duo turned to the girl next to him, charm turned on full blast. "I do so hope I didn't upset you."
"Oh indeed, Miss Relena," Dorothy chimed in. "I am so dreadfully sorry. Our instructor is correct. No one could possibly be THAT stupid."
"Absolutely not," Duo agreed. "I was just trying for an extreme example."
"Well, perhaps you can come up with a better example?" The teacher asked. Duo looked at Heero who had lifted his head and was glaring at him.
"Well, what about someone that self-destructs their mobile suit while they're still inside it?" He suggested with a wicked smile. Heero threw his textbook at Duo. Duo ducked and the book hit the student behind him. Duo retaliated with his pencil, which hit Quatre instead of Heero. In no time at all, a free-for-all had erupted. In the middle of the subsequent phone calls to the nurse, detention handouts and threats to be sent to the principal's office, Dorothy took a moment to whisper to Duo:
"Actually, Mr. Duo, I think taunting a gundam pilot falls into the dying of stupidity category." The Deathscythe pilot grinned at her.
"Probably, but you have to admit it was a lot of fun."
OWARI
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