No Braid Part 4
Heero's house surprised me. I'm not sure exactly what I expected- something more like our apartment, I guess, with its rented furniture that had seen better days. His house was all pale wood and light colored overstuffed furniture, cozy and comfortable. I hoped I didn't bleed on any of it, the stains would be hard to get out.
He went to put my bags down somewhere, leaving me stranded in his tiny living room. I didn't really want to sit down, despite the brisk walk in the cold air to the car, I was afraid I'd fall asleep if I sat down anywhere. There were pictures on the wall, so I wandered over to look at them.
And saw myself- well, me as I had been three years ago. There were a few other pictures of the beach here, and several of all of the guys, but...
"Tired?" Heero's voice behind me made me jump a little. I turned to face him, confused.
"There's a lot of pictures of me here," I said to him.
"I took one of the photo albums," he replied and joined me at the wall. "Guess you didn't notice?"
I hadn't even looked at them since he'd left. It hurt too much. "No."
"I'm sorry."
I managed a shrug. "It's okay. Community property and all, I guess." I wanted to words to hurt, wanted them to sound angry, but I don't think I managed more than petulant.
"I really am- I just- I needed to remember you differently than-" His hand brushed over my shirt, right over the place where that old scar sat beside my heart. "You were in so much pain- and it was all my fault... and here you are again... in more pain than I thought possible... and it's all my fault again..."
The expression on his face was frightening. I knew that look. I knew what followed it. I reached up automatically to cover the scar, brushing my injured side. Pain flared, but I had to say something...
"You weren't the one holding the scalpel," my voice caught in my throat. Heero's face seemed to fade as the images rose up, darkening my vision.
"Just a small incision to start... we'll see what we can find in there..." The feeling of that tiny blade moving across my skin- how could it hurt so much? It was so small... then the feeling of fingers widening the wound, probing...
"Duo!" Heero was gripping my shoulders tightly, his voice laced with panic. "Duo!"
I threw my arms around him and tried to remember how to breathe. He held me tight against him, his breathing loud against my ear. I struggled to match my breathing to his. Even. Calm.
Not real. It wasn't real. It was over. I wasn't there. I was here.
"Sorry- just triggered a little something...." I tried to make my voice light, but I couldn't let go of Heero.
He pulled me gently over to his sofa and sat us both down on it. I tried not to wrap myself around him, but the memories were too sharp and I was afraid they'd take me again. Heero held me close, keeping his breathing even, but it wasn't enough...
"There you are," he said in my ear and the words made me blink. He couldn't mean me...? Something cold touched my hand where it clutched Heero's shoulder and I lifted my head.
A cat sat on the back of the sofa, a mix of cream and gray, she looked like a piece of fog that had wandered in and made itself at home. She nudged my hand again and I lifted my fingers for her to sniff. I must've smelled okay because she rolled her head against my hand and purred.
"Don't be rude," Heero said to her. "I didn't bring him here just to pet you." She ignored him in proper cat fashion and jumped down onto my lap. He made a faint noise of disapproval.
"It's okay," I told him and scratched her ears. She blinked big blue eyes at me and curled up in a small warm ball.
"She's not hurting you?" He questioned and I shook my head.
"No. Though it's a little surreal- I never imagined you getting a cat." Her fur was soft under my fingers and I could feel her rumble happily as I stroked her throat.
"Well, I didn't mean to- she sort of adopted me. Just showed up on the porch one day and wouldn't leave."
"And you kept her?"
He shrugged a little. "She's company. It helps- having her here."
I could see his point. Putting my head back down on his chest I tried again to match my breathing to his, let my fingers wander through her fur. Heero settled me more comfortably against him, his fingers stroking the nape of my neck in an even rhythm.
It was soothing- too soothing. I was relaxing under his touch, the comforting weight of his cat purring in my lap, his heartbeat steady under my ear. My eyelids felt heavy again.
"Better?" Heero asked softly and I nodded. "Good. Then I won't offer you any of Sally's tea."
"It tastes horrible- I remember that."
"All the better to assure you that you're awake," He laughed a little. "Or so she said. Want to try to sleep?"
"Hell no- but I don't think I have much of a choice." My eyelids wanted to close. I couldn't fight sleep forever- I knew that.
"Okay," he said softly and shooed the cat off my lap. He got to his feet, bringing me along effortlessly. "Let's get you to bed."
He didn't let go until I was perched on the edge of his bed, and even then he hovered for a moment as if he was afraid I was going to fall over.
"Cold?" He asked and I shook my head. Heero's heater obviously worked, the room was comfortably warm. "Good." He dug through my bag, made a faint noise and then went to his dresser instead.
I knew that I should get up and help him, but I was tired- it was easier to just let him do the work.
And he did. He returned to the bed with a t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants that I remembered giving him ages ago. I let him help me change, though I pulled the shirt down quickly over the scar on my chest. I didn't want that look to return to Heero's face.
He let me walk to the bathroom by myself, which I was glad about, and he was propped up against the headboard when I returned. He helped me stretch out beside him, careful of my injured side.
"Sorry the bed's a little small," he said as we finally managed to find a comfortable position.
"Don't share it often?" I asked and then bit my tongue. I didn't want to know. I didn't.
"Only with the cat," he said and his lips curved in a faint smile. As if he'd summoned her, the cat suddenly appeared on my pillow and I jumped a little. Heero reached over me as if to shoo her away, but I stopped his hand.
"No, she's okay. Just- wasn't expecting her." She curled up, rumbling happily beside my ear. I reached up carefully to put one hand on her and scooted a little closer to Heero. I could feel his warmth, hear her purr and heartbeat. Maybe it would be enough to let me rest for a little while.
My eyes closed practically of their own accord and I was glad that there were no memories hiding in wait behind my lids.
When I opened my eyes again, the room was flooded in sunlight. I had obviously been asleep for hours... I must've been more exhausted than I thought.
I turned my head to glance at the clock, only to find Heero's cat still on my pillow. She opened one eye briefly and then closed it again. Obviously she wasn't finished sleeping yet.
The space beside me was empty. Heero wasn't there.
Panic rose up in my throat and I sat up quickly, scanning the room. He wasn't in sight.
Had he left again....?
Quickly I sprang up from the bed, only to be rewarded with a stab of pain from my side. Slowly, I told myself- but I didn't want to be slow. Not now. How long had he been gone...?
Hurrying the best I could, I headed out for the other room.
And immediately relaxed.
Heero was on the couch, head bent over his knees, a cup of tea beside him.
Balanced on one of his knees was something I hadn't expected to see again. I thought I had gotten rid of it- I knew I had- I'd tossed it out in the trash-
"Where did you find that?"
His head snapped up and I saw the dark circles under his eyes I remembered all too well. He put the knife down on the table and got to his feet. "Duo? You okay? I didn't want to wake you- you were sleeping so well-"
"I did. I was." I reached out a hand and let him pull me towards the sofa. "Where did you get that? I threw it away-"
"I know," his lips curved a little. "But it didn't seem right to let it go like that."
"Heero- I told you- over and over- it was an accident. You had no way of knowing it was me- it wasn't your fault."
"I know. But it's a hard thing to remember after you nearly kill-"
"You didn't-"
His fingers brushed that scar beside my heart. "Yes I did." Before I could say anything, he shook his head. "Don't Duo, it's okay. We don't have to have this conversation again."
I wasn't too reassured. That's pretty much what he'd said before he left me.
"Not leaving." He said and I wondered if I had spoken out loud. "It didn't work. You still got hurt-" his hand moved lower, checked my bandages.
I made a faint noise and his fingers paused. "Idiot. Even that doesn't hurt as much as I did when you left."
He sighed. "I don't know what to do."
"Me either." It was my turn to sigh. I moved his hand away from my side and picked up the knife. "It's not like I didn't understand- I did. Between the nightmares and the stress of the job you were worried you'd hurt me- and then you did- totally on accident- but you did. I know you were trying to keep me safe- but it doesn't work like that."
"I know that now."
"I'm still really pissed at you."
"You should be."
That made me smile. "You aren't supposed to agree."
"Duo, you should be mad. You should storm out of here and refuse to see me again."
I sighed again. "I should- but, I don't really want to. Pissed or not, I'd rather stay with you."
"Then what do we do?"
"Hell if I know." I frowned at the knife in my hand. "Maybe..."
"Maybe you should stab me with it? Then we'd be even."
I rolled my eyes at him. "Come on." I got up from the sofa and he followed. Still carrying the knife, I stepped out on his back deck. He followed me without speaking.
I stepped off the deck and down onto the sand. It felt good under my bare feet and I found myself smiling a little as I walked down to the edge of the ocean.
The water was freezing, but I waded out about ankle deep, Heero still beside me. "I think it's a little too cold to go swimming today," he said and I punched him in the arm.
"See anyone out here?"
"No."
"Good." I flung the knife out over the waves, watched as it hit the water with a small splash and sunk. "Don't you dare swim out and get it."
"I won't."
We retreated to the dry sand and I stopped. "I know it's not going to be that easy," I said and hoped he understood. "But we can't hold on to things like that. I do know that much. Not if we want this to work- and I do."
"Me too," he pulled me close, resting his forehead on my shoulder. "What next?"
"A towel," I said, looking down at my soaked sand-encrusted feet. "And maybe breakfast."
"That sounds like a good place to start," he replied and we headed for the house.
OWARI
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