Make it Back Part 4
"Only a few more steps- then we'll be at the sofa-"
Heero nodded as Duo guided him down their hallway, keeping one hand on the wall and trying not to lean too hard on Duo's shoulder.
"Thanks," he said when they finally reached the couch and Duo helped him sit down.
"No problem- but maybe we should have taken the chair-"
"I'll be okay on crutches. The chair wouldn't really fit in here."
"I know," Duo sighed and flipped his braid over his shoulder. "Let me go make sure the door is locked- can I get you anything?"
"I'm good, thank you." Heero put his head down on the back of the sofa, suppressing a sigh of his own. They had been doing okay in the hospital, sticking to the little things, avoiding the larger issues like they had agreed to- but now that he was home- it was going to have to be dealt with.
Duo reappeared and sat down beside him, reaching out to entwine his fingers with Heero's. "I'm glad to have you home again."
"It's good to be home. I'm really sorry- all those plans we made- I can't travel like we wanted-"
Shrugging, Duo curled closer. "It's all right. I think I'd prefer just being home for a bit. We can always go later- my boss is pretty flexible on that sort of thing."
"I'll have to remember to thank Howard for all that time off he gave you-"
"Don't even- I was still tweaking designs for him. He has a few going into prototype soon- he'll be happy that I have to delay my vacation."
Heero couldn't think of a response, so he stayed silent, trying to will away the faint fuzziness of the pain meds the hospital had insisted on him taking before he was released.
They sat silently for a little while and Heero tried to pull his tangled thoughts into order, wondering if now was the best time to start...
"Heero?" Duo said into the silence and Heero made a faint questioning sound in return. "I'm really sorry."
He didn't have to ask why. "I know you are. I am too."
"You didn't do anything- It was-"
"I did." Heero took a deep breath. "Duo- I know I'm not the easiest person to live with- to be with. You wanted me to leave the Preventers when you did- and I didn't. I was gone a lot and I know you don't like being left alone- and I... I'm not always good about saying things you need to hear."
"None of that matters-"
"Duo," Heero interrupted quietly. "Of course it matters. If I had left when you did, been here all the time- and- other things- do you think things between you and Zania would've progressed like they did?"
"I... I don't know."
"Weren't you angry with me at times? Wished I was different?"
"Yes- but-" Duo stopped and drew in a deep breath. "I never thought of leaving- I didn't want to leave you- I just- wanted some things to be different- I guess. I don't know... it seems stupid now."
Silence fell between them again and Heero closed his eyes. This was harder than he'd expected- and he'd known it wasn't going to be easy.
"Are you-" Duo started and Heero opened his eyes to find him wrapping his braid around his fingers. "You're being so calm- I mean- you're always calm- but I can't tell how you're dealing-"
"How I'm dealing?" He echoed and reached out to grab Duo's wrist. "I'm not calm- I'm- hell, I'm trying not to frighten you off again! I'm not really in any condition to chase you- but I'm not calm!" He shook Duo slightly. "I'm- hurt- and angry- you've always been so vocal about being truthful, but you were lying to me, Duo! You were complaining about me behind my back- never telling me that things were getting that bad for you! And when she began to make plans to run off- you let her do it! You-!"
Oops. That wasn't how he wanted to express himself...
He forced himself to release Duo's wrist. "I know I'm a terrible person to live with- to be with- and I know I shouldn't blame you for looking elsewhere- I know I shouldn't- but- I was trying to be better! I quit the Preventers- and-" He drew in a deep breath and covered his face with his hands. "I'm not dealing well with this..."
He felt Duo wrap his arms around him, carefully. "You aren't a terrible person to live with- and yes, you should blame me- I wasn't being honest with you. It's okay to be mad at me."
Putting his hands down, Heero looked up at Duo, his heart aching at the expression on Duo's face. "I don't want to be mad at you."
"What do you want?"
"I- want to give you time- to really think about if you want to stay with me. Not out of guilt or because you think you should or anything like that. If you were so unhappy- if you were looking elsewhere for things I wasn't doing- then maybe-"
Duo tightened his grip. "I have thought about it. I want to stay, Heero. I love you. I've been without you-" He inhaled sharply and Heero felt him shiver. "Gods, when Wufei came back without you- I can't do that again. You left- like you did- and it seemed like you knew- and then when they said you hadn't made it out-" He shivered again and Heero reached out to return his embrace. "I knew I'd been an idiot. I got so caught up in complaining about all the little things that I was missing the big picture." He laughed faintly. "Hell, I knew that when Zania started talking about moving in together! It wasn't what I wanted- I couldn't leave you."
He took another deep breath and curled closer. "Heero- in the hospital- I told you that I wanted you- wanted this- you said you did too. Do you still? You've had a few weeks to think about it- and I haven't been the best person to be involved with either. If you changed your mind-"
"No. I want this too-" Heero nearly added 'as long as you're sure' but then he realized that those were his doubts speaking. Did he still doubt Duo- after everything he'd said?
Maybe a little, he admitted to himself. He wanted to believe him- wanted not to doubt- but- that was going to take time.
Tilting his head forward just enough, he touched his lips to the top of Duo's head. "I love you." He said instead and Duo looked up with a smile.
He was more than willing to give Duo- and himself- that time.
OWARI
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