Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2, 4xR, 3x5
Rating: R
Warnings: Yaoi, angst, POV.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
Love The One You're With Part 1
It had been a lovely ceremony. The flowers were beautiful, the church well decorated, the guests teary-eyed and smiling.
I hated it.
She was gorgeous, her dress a frothy confection of lace, hair pulled back from a face that had grown even lovelier over the years, smiling, surrounded by flowers.
And out of my reach. Forever.
She had asked me to perform one final service for her, and I did it even as it tore the heart out of me.
I gave her over into his keeping.
I had watched them, watched him grow closer and closer to her, watched how the color would start up and then fade from her face at the mention of his name.
I made it through the service, but that was all I could take. I fled, I admit it, back to my own apartment, my own space where I could curl up and mourn her loss.
Now I am sitting on my sofa, still in my dress uniform, my gun out and in my hand. The gun I planned to kill her with all that time ago.
It would be easy enough to place that gun against my own temple... but what would she think?
There's a knock at my door, startling me out of my painful reflection. It repeats itself and then the door swings open and Duo walks in. He too is in his dress uniform, but his tie is undone, the top few buttons of his shirt open.
He smiles and I see the relief underneath, but it vanishes as he moves closer to me.
"Why do you have your gun out?"
I don't answer. What can I say?
Duo sits down beside me on the sofa, close enough that I can feel his warmth, close enough that he could grab the gun from me if he wanted.
"I know today was hard for you." He leans against my shoulder. "I figured you'd slip out sometime."
"Did she notice?"
I can tell by the look on his face that he wants to lie. He wants to tell me that yes, she noticed I had vanished. But he can't, because Duo doesn't lie. Not even to spare the feelings of his best friend.
I would think less of him if he did. I value Duo's honesty.
"She was really busy- you know all the people congratulating her and Quatre- wanting to kiss and hug and take photos and all that wedding stuff." He waves a hand in the air.
"Did you do that?"
"Of course. Shook Quatre's hand, kissed her cheek, offered my congrats."
"You should've stayed."
Duo looks at my gun. "I figured you needed me more. Plus Wufei had Trowa well in hand, so that angle was covered."
I blink at him. "What do you mean?"
He smiles. "You weren't the only one heartbroken over this wedding. Tro's been in love with Quatre for a long time."
This revelation surprises me, and at the same time I feel stupid, like I missed something that I should've seen before. "I didn't know..."
"No reason for you to- Tro's a private kinda guy. Just like you. The only reason Fei and I knew was because he got too drunk one night to watch his mouth."
I look down at the gun in my hand.
"How did you know about me?"
Duo shrugs. "I know you."
"Is Trowa going to be okay?"
"I hope so. Like I said, Fei's with him, and he's got Cathy as a backup. Tro's not the kind to do something stupid."
I wonder if I'm the kind to do something stupid.
"So how can I help you?" Duo asks quietly. "I don't want you to use that. I can give you lots of reasons not to- will you listen to them?"
I put the gun down on the table. "I don't want to use it either. I don't know why I thought things would be any different. I know she had that crush on me years ago, but I couldn't handle it then... and when I came back, she was friendly but that was all. I was happy with that. I only wanted to be friends. Then when I realized I loved her I never said anything, and when I began to think that I should, I realized that she was in love with him... and he's so much better than I am..."
Duo's arm is around my shoulders now, holding tight.
"I've had a year to come to terms with it. That she was going to marry him... I thought I could handle it today- even when she asked me to give her away since her brother was performing the ceremony..." I shake my head. "I didn't want to give her away... I hope I didn't show it..."
Duo's arm squeezes me. "Not a bit. You did a great job. No one suspected a thing."
"You did."
"That's because I already knew."
I shift restlessly and Duo lets me go. I find that I miss the weight of that arm. Duo always supports me. He's a good friend.
"I don't want to sit here and do this," I rub my forehead.
"What would you like to do instead? We can do anything you like."
I smile for him. "You don't have to..."
He brushes my comment away. "Don't be ridiculous. I want to stay- or go if you want to go out. We can do anything you want. I'm sure you need some mindless activity to get your mind off of this- it will help. So- what do you want to do? Bowling? Running? Basketball? Wrestling rhinos? Physical exertion is always good for this kind of thing. Wear your body out and you'll be able to rest." I smile in spite of myself.
"You sound like you've had to do this for yourself." It's an offhand comment, something I say to fill the silence after his sentence, but the reaction I get is a surprise.
For just a moment, pain wells up in his face, and I realize that Duo has been going through something similar- and I never noticed.
What kind of friend am I?
"Yeah, well, who hasn't right?" He smiles again, the pain vanishing and for a moment I think that I was imagining things.
But I wasn't. I know I wasn't. Duo is still hurting over something and even though I claim to be his best friend, I missed his pain because I was wallowing in mine.
"Duo- what... when..." I grasp for words. "You're hurting too. I'm sorry--" I grope for a possibility. "Is it Hilde?" She had been there today, her fiancé in tow; I had seen her laughing over something with Duo.
He shakes his head. "No. It's not Hilde. It's not important right now..."
"Duo... of course it's important. You're trying to help me..."
"And you don't need to worry about me." He pats my arm. "Honestly Heero, unlike you, I never had any hope at all."
He's trying to be casual about it. Dismissive. But that pain flashes in his eyes again.
Never had any hope at all? Who does he love that wouldn't love Duo back?
"So don't worry about me. It's nothing. What would you like to do?"
"You listened to me talk. Why won't you let me return the favor?" I ask.
"Would it make you feel better?" He responds, a faint smile on his face.
"Misery loves company," I reply, and he laughs.
"There's not much to tell. I fell in love with someone years ago. I knew they would never love me back. I knew I didn't have a chance. All I could be was a friend. So that's what I am."
"You date..."
"Of course." Duo nods. "I keep trying to get over them. I think I try too hard sometimes... but, well, maybe it will happen eventually."
"Did you ever tell them?"
"No."
That surprises me somehow, despite Duo's earlier words about not having any hope. I can't see Duo just giving up so easily, not even trying.
When I say this to him, he just shrugs.
"No point in trying when you know what the result will be."
For a moment I want to argue with him- but then, I had done the same thing. I hadn't even tried to talk to Relena- though my reasons were different at first. Then when I saw that I had been foolish, it was too late to go back and try again. I had missed my chance... no, chances- there had been plenty of them- my head hurts as I think about them all. So many times that I could've said something...
My gun sits on the table in front of me, offering oblivion.
"Then is there a point in anything?" I ask Duo, my hand reaching out for the gun automatically.
He slaps the back of my hand. Stung, I turn and look at him.
"Sorry," he flushes. "I know you're upset right now, but of course there is- just because I can't have one thing that I want doesn't mean the rest of my life is worthless. Do you think I should've blown my brains out back then?"
"No!"
"Exactly. If I had- and this was halfway through the first war- think of what I wouldn't have been there for..." He smiles. "Who would've knocked you out of the way of that bullet three months ago? Who would've introduced Hilde to her fiancé? Who would've caught those guys that were planning to ruin the Sweepers?"
He leans towards me. "And if you go- who is going to be my partner? Who is going to help Trowa pick up his pieces because he's going through the same thing? Who's going to send money to that orphanage on L1?"
I blink at him. How did he know about that?
"There's always reasons to stick around." He picks up my gun and studies it thoughtfully. "Don't you see? Or am I wrong? Should I have killed myself all those years ago? Or even before then?"
There's a darkness in his expression, one that I associate with the Shinigami part of Duo's personality, and I realize for the first time why it's so easy for him to pull it up out of what looks like nowhere... but is a dark place in his heart. A place that thinks he should be dead.
"No." I swallow, suddenly worried. "What would I do without my best friend?"
The darkness recedes.
"And what would I do without mine?" He puts the gun down on the table and smiles again. He gets to his feet. "C'mon. We've got to pack you a bag."
"Why?"
"You're going to come and stay with me for a few days," he smiles wider. "Keep me company- okay?"
"Okay," I agree and get to my feet.
Duo keeps us busy for the rest of the day. His version of packing a bag for me involves placing the bag on the bed and throwing things in its general direction. After I repack my bag we return to his apartment and he insists that we need to change out of our uniforms so we can go cause some trouble.
Trouble turns out to include Wufei and Trowa who meet us at a sports bar. It's loud, with TVs turned onto every kind of sport known to man and people yelling across tables to each other. It's hard to think in here.
Which I think is the point. I have to admire Wufei and Duo's planning.
Wufei and Duo almost immediately launch into one of their infamous debates- this time over what sports are 'real' sports and what ones are just a waste of time. They make us laugh as they insult and deride each other's opinions, but it's all in good fun. Both of them are smiling the whole time. They are obviously trying to keep Trowa and I company, and yet not hover over us.
They are good friends. I'm lucky to have them.
Wufei goes off to take a cell phone call, and Duo goes to get another pitcher from the bar. Trowa and I find ourselves staring at the table, quiet now that our more gregarious companions have vanished.
"I'm sorry, about today," Trowa leans over and says in my ear. "I didn't realize you felt that way about her..."
A rush of relief fills me. I wasn't obvious. Trowa is very observant, and I managed to fool him. Course, he also managed to fool me.
"Ditto," I say in his ear. "I had no idea that you felt that way about him..."
Trowa looks faintly relieved and I have to agree with Duo that maybe we are more alike than I thought.
"Sucks, doesn't it?" He smiles sardonically. "You think after all this time, I'd be used to the idea- but watching them today..." I nod, I understand. "Right now I just want to find a nice warm body to hold onto." He casts a glance through the window out at Wufei, standing in the parking lot, phone up to his ear. I blink, wondering if I'm reading him right. Wufei looks back in at us and smiles briefly- and it's not directed at me...
I'm not sure how I feel about Trowa's method of forgetting- but I can't deny that sounds tempting.
But unlike him, I do not have a convenient warm body to wrap myself around.
Duo returns at that moment, pitcher in hand, and immediately launches into a commentary about the lacrosse game on one of the TVs.
He's obviously trying hard to be distracting, and I think it throws him off a bit when Trowa slides out of his seat without a word and vanishes into the crowd.
He blinks at me. "Did I say something wrong?"
"No," I shake my head back at him and tilt my head towards the window. Wufei is putting his cell phone back into his pocket. We watch Trowa approach him, watch as Wufei's eyes widen at something that Trowa says, and then the two of them turn and walk towards Wufei's car.
"They could've at least said goodbye," Duo grouses good- naturedly as he refills my glass.
"Trowa had other plans," I tell him.
"What kind of plans?" Duo asks and takes a swig from his drink.
"I think he's planning on sleeping with Wufei."
Duo's eyes widen and for a moment I think he's going to spit the beer across the table. He manages to swallow and starts to sputter.
"Wh...WHAT?"
"He said something about wrapping himself around a warm body and then he started looking at Chang."
"So- maybe he was just looking?"
"I don't think so."
Duo takes another sip of his drink and closes his eyes for a moment. "Well, maybe that will help him." He shrugs. "Can't say that idea hasn't sounded appealing before..."
I nod. "It does- but I don't even know how I'd go about finding someone. And I'd feel bad afterwards- like I was using them."
Duo bites his lip. "Good point." He taps the pitcher. "We'll just have to settle for the next best thing. Drinking til we don't feel it anymore."
It's not the brightest thing I've ever done, that's for sure. And I don't know about Duo, but I'm feeling more depressed when we finally reel out of the bar. I'm glad that we're just around the corner from Duo's, since I know I'm not fit to drive and Duo is weaving badly enough just walking...
We lean on each other for support; though Duo is throwing my balance off badly- I'm nearly carrying him at some points.
"Dizzy..." he mutters.
"Maybe we should've gone for the alternative and found a body to curl up with," I tell him and he laughs.
"Suppose we could buy one at the store?"
I shake my head and then I have to stop. That just made the sick feeling worse.
"Nah, but maybe we could've shared with Tro and Fei."
"No... Fei's not my type..." he laughs again. "Sides, didn't think you went that way..."
"Worth trying..."
He nods and nearly falls over. "Ow. Next time I get depressed over... over being in love with someone that doesn't love me back, just hit me with a hammer, kay?"
"They're an idiot if they don't love you," I told him. "You're great... tell me who it is and I'll go straighten them out..."
He stops and blinks at me.
"It's kinda complicated..." he starts and then hiccups. He sways for a moment, blinking. "Reeeally complicated..."
"Why?" He starts walking again, dragging me along with him. I think we're almost to his apartment... I'm hoping we are. I don't think I can walk much farther.
"Well, love is complicated, you know. It just sneaks up on you and then it never lets go, even though you want it too..." We make a sharp turn and I realize we're at the bottom of the stairs that lead up to his apartment.
He goes first, and I follow, hands on the railings, hoping that we don't fall, because all the walk has done is made me dizzier.
"Believe me," Duo pulls the keys out of his pocket. "I tried, I tried really hard to stop. I knew it wouldn't work..." He fumbles with the lock and we nearly fall into his apartment. "I'm gonna be alone forever..."
I close the door behind us. Duo drops his keys on the floor, his jacket follows a moment later.
"I need to go to bed," he says, and I can see his eyes are full of tears.
"Duo..." I try to clear the fog in my head. "What...?"
"We need to take some aspirin first." He grabs my arm and hauls me back towards his bedroom. That seems to take all of his energy because once we get back there, he collapses on the bed. "Heero... can you get the aspirin? I can't..."
I stagger into the bathroom, locate the aspirin and take two before I bring Duo his dose.
He's on the bed still, his shoes kicked off, curled up around a pillow, tears running down his face.
I've never seen Duo cry.
"Duo- aspirin."
He takes them, accepts the glass of water I brought and drains it. The glass goes on the bedside table.
"You okay?" I ask lamely. Duo reaches up to me.
"Stay here?" He pulls me down onto the bed with him, curling up on my chest. "Please Heero?"
I don't really see how I can move, even if I wanted to- so I put my arms around him and hold him close.
It's nice. Trowa was right about that part at least. It makes me feel better somehow.
I close my eyes and try to ignore the spinning in my head.
~*~
I wake up the next morning feeling like a hammer has taken up residence in my skull. I crack open an eyelid. Duo's still curled up on my chest, tear-tracks on his face, sleeping peacefully.
I touch one of the tear tracks gently, remembering what Duo had said- that he'd always be alone. That doesn't seem fair to me. Duo is a great person. I never knew that he felt lonely- he is always everywhere- everyone's friend, everyone's confidant... And yet, inside, he's hurting.
I wonder who it is that Duo loves, who hurts him this much. They don't know that they are doing it, of course, and I shouldn't feel resentful on Duo's behalf, but I do.
Duo stirs under my fingers. "Heero?" He blinks at me. "Ow." One of his hands creeps up to touch his head. "Did I forget to take aspirin?"
"No, I think we did. Water too."
"Hm." He blinks. "Then again, I don't feel like throwing up, so it must've worked a little, right?"
"Maybe some more would be good?" I suggest.
"I'll get it." He slides carefully out of bed and I find that I miss the feeling of him beside me. There really is something to that warm body thing... it was comforting having him there.
Course, I don't think Trowa was just planning on snuggling with Wufei. Duo comes back from the bathroom, water glass and aspirin in hand. He hands them to me and pulls off his t-shirt as I swallow the dose.
"I hate sleeping in my clothes," he mutters and then winces at the sunlight.
"Ditto," I tell him as I finish the glass. I pull my shirt off too and go to look at my bag. That just makes my head hurt more. I stand there for a moment, one hand to my head.
"Still hurts?" Duo asks me.
"Yes."
"Come back to bed." I turn and see that he has shed his jeans and is curling back up in the blankets.
That does sound like a good idea, so I take off my socks and jeans and join him there. It's funny, but I reach out once I'm under the blankets and pull him closer to me, snuggling up against his chest.
Duo makes a faint surprised kind of noise, but he puts his arms around me, and I drift back to sleep.
It's a few hours later when the phone starts to ring. I want to ignore it, but Duo is wiggling free of my embrace and reaching out for the phone, so I roll a little bit away and crack my eyes open.
"Hello?" He says into the receiver as he leans back against the headboard, braid over his shoulder. "Hey 'Fei. What's up?"
His fingers pull out the tie on the end of his braid as he listens to Wufei, nodding. "Uh huh... hm..." The tie gets dropped onto the pillows and his fingers start undoing the braid. "Really?"
I watch, fascinated. I've never seen Duo's hair out of its braid. "No, Heero's here. We had way too much to drink... No! Nothing like that!" His cheeks redden slightly.
It takes me a moment to realize what they are talking about. I don't know if I should be embarrassed, amused, or... something else.
"I'm sure," Duo rolls his eyes, which amuses me, since I know Wufei can't see him. "We aren't all like you, Fei." His fingers get stuck on a knot and he yanks at it.
I sit up and reach out, untangling the hair from his fingers and take over undoing his braid for him. He gives me an odd glance, but it's tempered with one of his smiles.
I wonder a bit at myself. I'm not usually a touchy-feely kind of person. Yet here I've been cuddling with Duo and now I'm playing with his hair. It should feel very odd, but it doesn't. It's comforting. Duo is my friend and I know that he's trying to help me through a bad time.
I swallow hard as a lump rises in my throat. She's really married now. The wedding- the reception- and now the wedding night are all over and done with.
Duo's hand touches my arm and I look up at him. He's listening to Wufei, but his eyebrows are raised in a question for me.
I shake my head and he opens his arms, cradling the phone between his head and shoulder.
I curl up in his arms and his hands stroke over my back. How did he know I needed this?
"I suppose we can do that- tomorrow you said?.... Yeah- we're off for a few days.... Sure.... No I will not! Anyone ever tell you you're a pervert Chang?" Duo laughs. "You are so.... Yeah, yeah, whatever. See you tomorrow!"
He hangs up the phone. "Wufei and Trowa want us to go to a game with them tomorrow, okay?"
"Sure." I nod. We've done that lots of times- usually with Quatre... and later Quatre and Relena. That must have been so hard for Trowa- I realize- as hard as it must've been for me. "How's Trowa doing?"
Duo chuckles. "Wufei is taking good care of him. Don't worry."
"So Trowa was serious."
"Apparently."
"And Wufei was willing?"
"Of course." Duo taps the back of my head lightly. "He's been waiting for a chance."
"What?!"
"Oh sure. For the last few months or so I'd guess." Duo chuckles. "I don't think he was expecting it that soon- but Trowa's had lots of time to adjust to the fact that he'll never have Quatre." Duo sighs. "I think he's finally willing to see what he can have."
"Do you ever think that way? Since you can't have the person you want?" I ask him.
"Of course." He sighs. "I date all the time."
"If it doesn't work for you why do you think it will work for Trowa?"
Duo is silent for a moment. "Trowa is trying it with a friend. Someone who knows him and understands him really well. I think that's why it will work- or at least help him a little."
I move so that I can look at Duo's face. "Do you think that matters?"
"I think it would help." He smiles. "How are you doing Heero? Head still hurt?" I get the feeling he's trying to change the subject for some reason. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to think about his own situation?
"No, it's better." I find myself persisting. "Do you think something like that would work for me?"
Duo bites his lip. "I suppose it couldn't hurt. Do you think you're ready to do that? You've been in love with Relena longer than Tro was in love with Quatre."
I blink. "What do you mean? I didn't fall in love with her until I came back after the Second Eve War- two years ago."
Duo looks puzzled. "I thought you were in love with her back during the first one. You were always going after her and leaving teddy bears and stuff."
"I left one teddy bear," I protest.
He shakes his head. "I'll bet you were and just not admitting it to yourself yet."
Was I? I didn't think so, but maybe Duo was right.
"Still- you have to be fair to the person you try this with. Let them know all of your reasons. It wouldn't be right to just use someone to try and forget- that's what I mean by being sure. You have to really want to try. Otherwise you're just using people."
"Duo-" I say when I realize what's behind his mini-lecture. "I'm sure you're very fair to the people you date."
He shakes his head. "I try- but it took me a while. I know I hurt some of them because I wasn't up front with them. And most of them decide not to date me after I tell them. Who really wants to have a relationship with someone who is still in love with someone else?"
"What about me?" Pops out before I can stop it. I realize that it has been lurking in my head ever since last night, when Trowa looked out the window at Wufei and talked about finding a warm body.
Duo looks at me, his eye wide. "What?"
I think for a moment. Do I really want to do this? I don't want to mope forever over someone that I couldn't have. Maybe, like Trowa, I need to see what I can have. I like and trust Duo. He needs someone who understands too- and who better than someone in the same position?
"What about me? You and I both know that we're... trying to get over someone else. We're friends and partners... it wouldn't be changing anything- just adding to it."
Duo's eyes get even bigger. "Are you serious?"
"Totally so. And if you say no, it's okay. It's just an idea."
Though I don't want Duo to say no.
Duo swallows hard. "What exactly are you asking me for Heero?"
"What do you mean?"
"What kind of relationship?" He is giving me a look I can't read. Is he upset? Angry? Sad?
"A dating one?" I venture, not sure of what he's asking.
Duo huffs out a breath, blowing his bangs out of his eyes.
"A romantic relationship- or a sexual one? Friends that have sex, or two friends trying to be more?"
I wish I could tell which one he favors. I really am lost here. I know which one sounds better to me...
"I was thinking more dating than just having sex..." I say tentatively. I don't think I could just do the other. That sounds a lot like using Duo, and though I know that some people do well in those situations, I don't think I could. How can I explain it? I'm not adverse to the idea... but still... "I think I'd need to work up to the other," I tell Duo.
That odd expression fades a little. Duo tilts his head to the side. "Maybe we should try something first."
"What's that?"
"Kiss me."
"What?"
"Kiss me. We'll see how it goes. You may not even enjoy it you know..." He raises an eyebrow at me.
"You may not either," I retort. He just smiles a little.
"Come on. You want to date me or not? Let's see if we're compatible. Kiss me."
"How does a kiss prove that?" I demand.
"Try and see," he laughs. "Unless it's unappealing, in which case, this is not going to work..."
The darkness is back, just in the edges of his expression. He seems to think that I'll refuse him, and I wonder why. Is it because he's used to rejection? Expects it?
I don't like that thought.
Taking a deep breath, I lean forward a bit and brush my lips across his experimentally. I haven't really done much kissing, other than occasional cheek pecking. I'm not sure what Duo wants, so I figure that is the safest bet.
It's not bad, but I don't think I feel like I'm supposed to...
Duo blinks at me for a moment.
"What?" I ask.
"Is that it?"
"What was wrong with it?" I feel strangely insulted. Was it that bad?
He frowns. "It was... short."
"You didn't specify a length of time." I point out.
He blinks again and I start to feel defensive. How was I supposed to kiss him? It was a test kiss. He didn't give me any guidance... I didn't know what he was expecting.
"I haven't done it a lot." I defend myself. "And I didn't know what you were expecting." That makes him smile a little.
"Then I'll kiss you."
He leans forward before I can think, and places his lips against mine.
Oh.
Oh...
He leans back and I follow, claiming another kiss and then another.
Duo's smile when I finally realize that I should at least stop and ask if he's enjoying this too is one I've never seen before. It makes me smile and I wonder at the difference. Does Duo always smile like this after kisses?
I should kiss him often if that is the case.
"That answers that question." He laughs.
"Does that mean you want to try it?" I ask, hoping he says yes.
"I think so, but Heero-" his smile dims a little, "we have to be honest with each other. If at any time this doesn't work for you- say so, okay?"
I nod. "Okay."
That is how we start dating. Those first few days are ones I will never forget. Duo and I don't do much- we go to the game with Trowa and Wufei, we hang around in his apartment and watch movies, order pizza, all that kind of stuff.
But it is different- Duo is more affectionate. He leans on me, tugs at my hair, and his kisses...
It takes me a little while to get used to being able to be affectionate, to have someone that wants me to hold and kiss them, wants my attention... I like it though. Duo and I were good friends before- this is only enhanced our relationship. I'm glad that Duo agreed to do this with me.
It's not until Relena and Quatre return from their honeymoon- they were gone over three months on a tour of the colonies, combining business with normal honeymoon activities- that I realize how much good Duo has done for me.
Because it doesn't hurt to see her with Quatre. Just a tiny pang, and that's all, because even as she is leaning on Quatre's arm telling us about her trip during our reunion dinner, Duo's hand is on my knee under the table, I can feel the warmth of his body beside mine and somehow it makes the hurt more than bearable.
Makes it nearly vanish.
I look over at Trowa, notice how his arm is on the back of Wufei's seat, notice the small glances Wufei gives him, and I hope it's the same for him.
That makes me wonder how it is for Duo. He's never told me who it was he wanted- may still want for all I know- have I done anything for him?
We hug, we kiss, we touch... but that's all. He's never pushed for more, and I have been too caught up in experiencing all of this for the first time that I have given little thought to Duo's part of this.
His hand squeezes my knee and I look over at him. He raises an eyebrow at me in a question only I can read, and I nudge him back with my elbow.
I'm doing fine- he concerns me now.
We finish dinner and bid everyone farewell at the restaurant door. Trowa and Wufei stride off together, and I see the puzzled glance that Quatre gives them- none of us mentioned our changed status to the newlyweds.
"Goodbye you two," Relena smiles and kisses our cheeks. "We'll see you in a few weeks for the party?"
"Of course," Duo tells her, smiling. We turn to head to the car, and I put my arm around his waist, needing to touch.
He gives me a surprised look, but accepts the caress. "You okay?" He asks as we get into the car.
"Just fine," I answer and smile for him as I start the engine.
"That wasn't too difficult?"
"Not with you there." That earns me another surprised look. His fingers caress my hand where it rests on the gearshift.
"Really?"
"Really." I let go of the gearshift for a moment so that I can squeeze his hand. "It hurt- but only a little. She's happy with Quatre, Trowa is happy with Wufei- and I'm happy with you."
That gets me a flash of the smile I now think of as mine. The one Duo gives me after I kiss him, or if I say something that pleases him. The one I try for...
"You looked a bit upset there for a moment," he says. "I was worried."
"I was thinking about you." I tell him. "I realized that you've done so much for me... you make me happy- and yet, I don't know if I've done anything for you..."
"I'm very happy with you." He smiles again and I feel a little better.
When we get to his apartment, he invites me up. It's still early, and we don't have to work tomorrow so I say yes.
I would've said yes even if we did have work or if it had been later than it was. I'm spending more time at his apartment than mine these days, and when I am at mine, he's usually with me.
He kisses me after he locks the door behind us. I've come to crave Duo's kisses and I hope mine have gotten better. Duo hasn't complained, but I wonder if he would...
He says he's happy with me, but I have to wonder if any of his pain has been eased. Have I managed to do anything for him like he's done for me? Does he still want that nameless other?
The thought makes me pull Duo closer, deepening the kiss, wanting him to think only of what I'm doing... I can't help the feelings of jealousy that the idea of him with someone else stir up... never mind that he said it was hopeless. What if he was wrong? What if they do want him?
I don't want to lose him now.
He lets me plunder his mouth, lets me undo his braid so that I can sink my fingers into his hair, and lets me push him down on the bed.
We've done this before. Touched and kissed and caressed until we were both gasping for air, but we'd always stopped before things went too far, not wanting to rush into things- or so I thought.
Now I wonder if it's for another reason... if it hasn't just been Duo not wanting to push me and my own need to take things slowly.
I don't want to stop. Not tonight. I want to make him mine. I want there to be something between us that he doesn't and can't have with that nameless love of his...
So I don't stop, instead I continue to kiss him, loosen his clothing, pin him beneath me...
"Heero..." he gasps against my ear. "We have to stop... I can't..."
"Why?" I ask, kissing his neck, feeling him shiver underneath me. "Why do we have to stop? Haven't we waited long enough?" I push my hips against his and am rewarded with his groan.
"Are you sure?" He manages, even as I feel his fingers start to work on my buttons.
"Very sure," I answer, and capture his mouth again.
TBC...
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