Hey Jealousy Part 8
It's been four weeks. Four weeks of spending time with only Duo, two weeks away from civilization, four weeks of peace. Not once has that feeling overwhelmed me since that email from Zechs.
Of course, there hasn't been anything to set me off either.
Still, I'm relieved. I was worried that without the focus of jealousy, the anger would find a new way to erupt- but it hasn't. Even when Duo and I have argued- and we have- not once have I wanted to do anything worse to him than duck tape his mouth closed- and as he pointed out I've wanted to do that off and on since we've met.
Duo's sleeping right now, curled up on my chest, wedged into the back of the couch. I wanted him to go sleep in the bedroom, but he refused, claimed he was too tired to go all the way back there.
I know better. Duo's been sleeping very lightly- on edge- since we've arrived. I know why he's curled up on me; know why he practically locks himself around me at night.
I had forgotten how many people Duo has lost- should've realized the lengths he'd go to not to lose any more. He's hurting himself- I'm hurting him- and I don't want to do it anymore.
But I don't know what to do. Sally has my blood samples; she emails us often with questions and writes encouragingly of finding something to help. She's recommended that I take soothers before public situations, but I haven't been out in public to even try them.
It's odd- I would've thought Duo would push to go out in public, to try the drugs and see if they had an effect- but he hasn't. Does he know they won't work? Is Sally telling him more than I see?
Or is it something else? Is it that he sees this time as the beginning of the end and doesn't want to move forward, is scared of what might happen?
Or is that me?
Duo doesn't move when I brush the hair out of his face. It's nearly suppertime. I should get up and cook, make sure he eats… but when I try to move him, he clings even more tightly.
Something has to change. We have to move forward- even if something bad happens; it has to be better than this. Duo can't go on like this much longer- and if I'm honest, neither can I.
Duo shifts, blinking up at me and I summon a smile for him. "Hungry?"
He yawns. "Starved."
"Want to go out and get something?"
I can't keep up with the expressions that flash over his face. "Together?" he asks after a moment and I see his eyes narrow slightly.
"Of course."
He relaxes. "Are you sure?"
"Have to try Sally's suggestion sometime, right?"
"Right." He smiles and I wonder if he's been waiting for me to want to go out- not wanting to push. "Let's go."
~*~
I watch Heero out of the corner of my eye. He took Sally's pill before we left, but once we got out of the car, he wrapped his hand around mine. Was he feeling something or was it just that he was taking preventative measures?
Or did he just want to hold my hand? Was I going to spend the rest of my life overanalyzing his every move?
Hopefully not. Sally used the advice J sent her to create the soothers. Hopefully they will work.
The restaurant is small and dimly lit. Heero lets go of my hand once we sit down in the booth, but slides over so he can sit beside me rather than across.
We order and the waitress promises us bread. Once she leaves, Heero smiles at me. "I'm not quite sure why I'm nervous. It didn't happen all the time after all."
I consider this for a moment before replying. "I think it's because we've gotten worked up about it. We keep thinking something is going to happen to set you off, forgetting that we are kind of away from things that set you off."
"So- do you think we should go back?"
"If you think we should." I know that's putting all the responsibility on him, but I don't know what to do. It would be all too easy to just lock myself up with Heero somewhere. But would it be for the best?
"I wish there was some kind of test," he frowns. "Some way of knowing the things were working."
"If you're hinting that I need to flirt with the waitress, forget it." I counter and he smiles.
We're no closer to figuring out the next step when we leave the restaurant than when we got there. Heero has been calm- but there was nothing to set him off. In a strange way, I almost wish there was, just so that this waiting would end, so that we would know.
When we return to the cabin and find an all-too familiar car sitting in the driveway, its blond owner on our front steps. I remember that old adage. You know- be careful what you wish for?
Heero, beside me in the car, is as still as a statue carved from ice.
TBC...
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