Hey Jealousy Part 7
How dare he... the anger, the jealousy rises up in a wave. I want to put my fist through the computer, throw Duo to the floor...
Control it... I've done this before, I can do it now. I just need to focus... have to get away...
Bedroom. Lock the door.
Away from the computer and that email, away from Duo, it's easier... easier to lock down the anger...
The glass of the window is cold under my fingertips...
It was just an email. Duo is here with me. He's promised to stay.
He'd better stay...
No. Can't think like that. Pain flares up my arm and I realize I put my fist through one of the windowpanes...
How I wish it was that bastard's face...
"Heero?"
Duo's voice. At the door. He sounds worried...
"A minute..." I manage. I want to go and open the door, pull Duo in here... break that computer...
He says something else, something about being okay...
"I... am. I'll be... out in a moment."
I pull my hand back in, it's bloody and hurts like hell. It gives me something else to focus on... the anger recedes, bleeds away, and all I can do is shake in relief that it's gone...
The door slams open- I could've sworn it was locked- and Duo flings himself at me.
A moment later and I'm sitting on the bed, a towel wrapped around my hand. Duo's cursing under his breath, a steady stream of words that I can't keep up with. I scared him... I didn't mean to, but I did...
"...don't you ever do that again! How can I help you if you lock me out?" He winds up at last, glaring at me as he applies pressure on my hand.
"I'm sorry..." It seems to be the best thing to say.
"You damn well better be." He huffs. "Heero- you can't lock me out. You can't bottle up the anger. That's what you've been doing and it hasn't helped, right?"
He's got a point, but... "I don't know what else to do."
He takes a deep breath. "You promised me- no more secrets, no more hiding..."
"I don't want to hurt you..."
"I am perfectly capable of defending myself. I promise you I will if you lash out at me."
For some reason I can't define that's comforting.
"The next time something happens I want you to come right to me- no matter what I'm doing, no matter what else is happening. Okay?"
"But..."
"No- I'm the one that's making you feel this way, I'll help you stop."
"Duo- I'm the one with the problem."
"And if it was me, what would you do? Sit by? Leave me?"
"No!"
His lips curve slightly and he pulls me close. "I love you, idiot. Let me help you."
"I love you too..."
"I know." He unwraps my hand, checks it carefully. "I don't think any of these need stitches."
He pulls me into the bathroom and helps me clean and bandage my hand. When we finish, he insists on going back to the computer.
"Sit here," he says and points at the chair. I do, relieved that the screen has gone dark. He sits down on my lap, slightly angled so I can see the screen.
"What are we..."
"I'm writing Zechs back. You are going to watch me." He smiles. "If you start to feel the least bit jealous, do something about it."
"Do something?"
He bends down and kisses me. "I'm sure you'll think of something."
I watch as he writes Zechs back, telling him thanks but he's happy enough where he is, occasionally leaning down to kiss me, asking me to scratch his shoulder... and it works a little... having Duo to focus on helps...
But I can still feel it...
He leans back into my arms when he finishes. "Doubt he'll write again. Shall we see what Quatre sent?"
I tighten my arms around his waist. "Sure."
Quatre's letter is hopeful. Sally wants me to send a few blood samples to her, wants me to send her a list of things that I know J did to me... she's trying to find a chemical solution. I don't know if it's possible- J made me resistant to a lot of things... but it's a hope.
Duo looks very thoughtful when he finishes replying.
"I have one more email to send," he says. "Want to watch or cook me breakfast?"
"I'll make breakfast," I tell him and he lets me get out of the chair after another kiss.
"Anything sets you off and you come right back here." He says without a trace of amusement.
"I'm just making breakfast."
"Hm," he says with a lift of an eyebrow, and turns back to the computer screen.
~*~
I write J back quickly, telling him about Quatre's possible solution, asking for his help. Maybe things have changed enough that we could look for a chemical solution- or maybe one of J's other solutions will pan out.
In the meantime I need to stress to Heero the need to come to me when he gets upset- I can't have him shutting himself away from me. I know why he thinks he should, but it hasn't helped... and for all I know it may be the reason he's so badly off now. It was one of the things J suggested- trying to change his behavior pattern... at this point I'm willing to try anything.
After breakfast we tape a piece of cardboard over the window Heero broke- we'll have to fix that soon- and then I make him curl up on the sofa with me.
Heero and I used to spend whole days like this sometimes- reading, working, just enjoying each other's presence... when did that change?
"How do you feel?" I ask him. "Still angry?"
"No," he replies after a moment.
"Were you angry when you watched me write Zechs back?"
"A little." He bites his lip. "It... it wasn't as bad."
"Really?" He meets my eyes.
"Honestly."
"Good. You see why you need to come right to me instead of locking yourself away? It worked..."
"On this," he points out. "I don't know how I would've dealt with it in person..."
"True," I concede that point. "But, it still might help- I know I wouldn't mind having you hang all over me..."
His eyes widen. "But- I didn't think you'd want..."
"I did want." I smile a little. "I used to want you to be a little jealous- a little possessive. I wanted you next to me all the time."
He looks a bit stunned.
"So, you see, it's fine with me if you can deal better with things that way."
Heero puts his head down on my shoulder. "Thank you... I know I don't..."
Before he can even finish, I put a hand over his mouth. "Yes you do. I love you and I want to keep you. I will do anything that you need. Understand me? I need you."
He kisses my palm, moves it away gently. "I want to need you too."
"Then don't give up."
It's a long moment before he kisses my hand again. "I'll do my best."
That will have to do for now.
TBC...
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