Here We Go Again Part 5
I opened the door to the apartment slowly. Back home- just for a week or two, I promised myself, just a check in to make sure that Heero hadn't stopped by and left a message or anything like that...
Even though I already knew that he hadn't. Trowa came by the place once a week and checked. If anything had been left, someone would've contacted me.
I placed my duffle down on the floor and closed the door behind me. The apartment smelled faintly musty, and it was cold. I went and turned the thermostat up a bit.
I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge out of habit. There were some foodstuffs in there, which surprised me at first- then made me hopeful- until I saw the note attached to the fridge.
Trowa had left the groceries. I had warned them that I was on my way back and so he had bought me some essentials. The note also asked me to call him when I got in.
I sighed. The last few months whenever I talked to one of the guys they'd try to get me to call off my search and come home.
They were right. I'd been scouring the Earth Sphere for Heero for a year- and found not a trace of him.
If he was still alive, he was more than likely on one of the smaller colonies- or on a ship- and I'd never find him.
And there was no guarantee that he wanted to be found.
If Heero had wanted me to find him, then I would've done it by now. I had to face up to the fact that I might never find him.
And if I did- he might not want to see me. What did I know about his feelings anyway? He might not feel that way about me anymore- after all I had hurt him...
I put my head against the smooth plastic door of the fridge and took a deep breath.
Time to acknowledge, if only to myself, the real reason I had come home. The one that had been in the back of my head for the last month or so...
I wasn't going to find Heero. I had failed. It was time to end my search and make my amends the only way I could.
I straightened myself up and pulled out a juice container from the fridge. I drank the juice as I listened to the messages on the machine.
Quatre. Wanting to talk to me when I got in.
Wufei. Hinting about coming back to the Preventers.
Une. Telling me my leave time was almost over.
I erased the messages. I wasn't going to call them back.
Walking down the hallway towards my bedroom, I kept my eyes focused on the floor. I didn't want to glimpse Heero's empty bedroom. Didn't want to catch sight of any of the pictures we'd put on the walls.
I started a shower, pulled out the towels, and went through my closet looking for clothes. The ones I'd taken with me were getting tattered around the edges.
I found what I needed, tossed the clothes on the bed, and then headed for the shower.
After I was cleaned, dressed, and pressed, so to speak, I went into the kitchen, scribbled a quick note for Trowa and after grabbing what I needed out of my duffle bag, I left the apartment for good.
I went down to the bus stop and waited. I had sold off my car months ago, and though Heero's still sat in its parking spot, I didn't want to move it. He might need it.
The bus arrived and I climbed on, searching for a seat. It was pretty full, but I found a place next to an older white-haired gentleman and sat down.
Three stops and then a bit of a walk and I'd be at my destination. Not long. The bus pulled out into traffic and I kept myself occupied by counting the stops.
First stop.
Second stop.
"Where are you headed?" The man next to me asked as we were on our way to the third stop, and I sighed internally. I didn't really want to talk to anyone.
Still, it would make the time pass.
"The beach."
"The beach?" He repeated, one eyebrow arching up. "It's the middle of winter- why would you go there?"
"I have an appointment," I said and he frowned.
"With a shark?"
"No," I smiled in spite of myself, "with an old friend. He's been waiting for me for a long time."
Shinigami had been very patient.
The guy's frown deepened. I could tell that I was upsetting him, so I decided to stop and play nice.
"Where are you headed?"
"No place in particular. Just checking up on one of my old friends."
"Really?" That was nice, the guy was probably in his seventies, it had to be a chore to get out of the house. Still, keeping active was good right? "So how is he? Or she?"
"He. Not very well," the old man sighed. "He's getting depressed, making bad decisions. I'm really worried about him."
"That's not good," I replied. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know." The man shook his head. "What do you think I should do?"
"Does your friend have any family?"
"Not blood, but plenty of friends who are close enough to be family. I know they're worried about him, he's been cutting himself off from them lately."
"Can you talk to him?"
"I want to, I'm just not sure how to approach him about it. We had a bit of a falling out."
The bus pulled up next to the curb.
Third stop.
"This is my stop," I said to the man and stood up. "Good luck with your friend. I hope he listens to you."
If he replied, I didn't hear it. I was halfway down the aisle a moment later.
I could smell the salt in the air when I got off the bus. It brought back quite a few memories, some good, some bad, as I walked down the street towards the ocean.
The beach was just like I remembered. I walked down a flight of rickety stairs and then took off my boots when I reached the sand. It felt cool and gritty between my toes.
I found a sheltered spot, close to the waves, but not so close that I was hit by the spray. Pretty close to where we had landed actually...
How appropriate. I remembered Heero turning his face away from me when I had told him I was the only friend he really had at the moment.
Some friend I had been.
I pulled the gun out of my pocket.
It was the same one from that long-ago night. How fitting.
I clicked off the safety and placed the barrel next to my temple.
I took one last deep breath and summoned up the last memory I had of Heero, remembered the expression of hurt that I was responsible for on his face...
I pulled the trigger...
Nothing happened.
Just the clicking sound of the hammer coming down on an empty chamber.
I could've sworn that I had loaded the gun this morning on my way home...
I pulled the trigger again.
Nothing. What the hell?
I pulled out the clip and checked it.
Empty.
Had I put an empty clip in? I really must've been distracted this morning.
And I hadn't thought to bring another one with me... why would I? I only needed one stupid bullet after all.
Only I would mess up my own death.
I got to my feet and tossed the gun at the surf in disgust. Useless!
At least I had remembered to slip my knife in my boot. I hadn't thought to use it for this, but beggars can't be choosers.
I sat back down and reached into my discarded boot to find the knife. My fingers closed around the smooth handle and I was relieved. At least I hadn't forgotten it.
I placed the blade against my arm and again summoned up the memory of Heero's face. I pulled the knife quickly across my skin, bracing myself for the pain...
And felt nothing but a slight pressure. I checked the knife and discovered that the blade had grown very dull. I wondered if it would even be able to cut bread. How had I let myself slip this much? I really was a mess.
I got to my feet. I hadn't wanted to do it this way.
I left the dull knife in the sand and headed down towards the water. I had to be able to manage this...
I stepped into the waves. All I needed to do was get a little ways out. It was the middle of winter, the water was freezing...
At least I thought it was. I couldn't really feel it. I was ankle deep in the water, but my feet were... warm.
What the hell? I lifted a foot out of the water and blinked.
It was dry.
I put it back in the water and watched as the water formed a little bowl around my foot.
I drew in a sharp breath and straightened up, searching the cliffs. He had to be here somewhere... my heart was pounding in my chest. He had to be here... he had to be...
"Where are you!?" I yelled. "I know you're here!"
TBC...
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