Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, melodramatics, cliffhangers, misunderstandings, ooc warnings apply.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
I sent this story in it's unfinished state to a friend, who asked to see more. Since she's done a lot for me, I finished it up (though the end needs some editing) and decided to post it. Considering who it's for, I thought it would be a good idea to cut it up into pieces and post the bits on Fridays. *evil grin*
Falling Part 1
It should have been me.
I watch the rise and fall of Heero's chest, breathing along with him in an even steady rhythm, as if somehow it's my efforts that are keeping him alive, keeping his breathing steady.
But it's not. I'm the one that put him here. It's my fault that he had to go through hours of surgery. It's my fault that he's going to hurt when he wakes up.
It's my fault if he doesn't wake up at all.
I want to reach out and take his hand, hold it between mine, but it wouldn't be to reassure him that I'm here. He can't feel it. If I touched him now it would be to comfort me, to ease my worry. I don't dare. I don't dare reach out and touch him- I don't have that right. It's my fault he's here. What if he wakes up and throws my hand off? Spurns my apology? It would be his right to do so. I wouldn't blame him if he did.
What am I going to do if he doesn't forgive me? What am I going to do if he does? I don't deserve his forgiveness.
The monitor that marks his heart beat beeps again. He's breathing, his heart is beating- that has to be good, right?
"Duo?" Quatre's voice is soft, as if he thinks he's going to wake Heero somehow. I wish to God he could- but if Heero wakes up at all, it won't be for hours yet.
"Duo?" Quatre's hand touches my shoulder- a gesture of kindness that I don't deserve. "Need anything before we go? I checked with the nurses- they said it's okay if you stay."
My throat closes up for a moment and I shake my head. "I'm okay. You two go home."
"You sure Duo?" Trowa moves into my range of vision, bending down for a moment to look at Heero. "We can get you some coffee or something."
"No thanks. Don't think I'll sleep anyway."
Quatre squeezes my shoulder. "I know. It was a hell of a mission. Still, are you sure we can't get you something?"
"I'm sure. I just want him to wake up."
"We all want that Duo. Still, I doubt Heero would want you to be uncomfortable because of him," Trowa's voice is gentle and I feel like a hypocrite. I can't take their well-meant comfort anymore. I don't deserve it.
Rising from my chair, I move away from Quatre's hand, away from Heero, silent and still in the bed. "How do you know? Don't you know what I did?" Snapping out the words before I can think, I'm relieved in a strange way. Now they'll treat me like I deserve.
Quatre and Trowa are both staring at me- Trowa's concern is obvious, but Quatre's watching me with that even cool look of his- as if he's wondering if I'll snap somehow.
"No Duo," Quatre says in a tone that matches his expression. "What did you do?"
"It's my fault he got hurt!"
"Duo- you were in trouble! He wanted to help you. He knew the risks!" Trowa protests as he takes a few steps towards me, his hands held out cautiously as if I'm one of his lions and he's worried I'll bite.
"No-" I tell him and back further away. "We- we were fighting, you see, before the mission. I don't even know how it started- he just made a comment, or maybe I did, hell if I can remember, and it just escalated- and then it was time to go-"
Heero stood in the doorway, waiting for me, standing in that parade-rest stance of his that drove me crazy. "Are you coming or not? We have that mission, remember? The supposed illegal weapons-manufacture plant?" He drawled the words out slowly as if he was speaking to some idiot child.
How dared he talk to me like that? This was all his fault! He knew we had a mission today, he knew how these sorts of jobs set me on edge. They were too much like the bad old days of the war- and seeing how easily Heero slipped back into that mindset irritated me even more. I couldn't even speak to him, couldn't even look at him. I hurried out the door, my anger nearly choking me.
Will he even talk to me at all if he wakes up? Or will he still be mad?
"So you had a fight before the mission," Trowa shrugs, dismissing my fears. "Duo, that's nothing. I doubt he'll even remember it."
"Yes he will. I know he will-"
Trowa opens his mouth, no doubt ready to try and soothe me more, but Quatre gets in first. "Why will he still be mad at you, Duo? What else happened?"
"During the mission- I was so angry with him that I didn't follow orders."
"We're supposed to stick together!" It was a hiss over the comm. "What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to be following me!"
I was doing my job. We were supposed to go in, get the information and get out. That's what I was going to do. I didn't need Heero's help. I didn't point out to him that he hadn't noticed that I was missing for nearly four minutes, though I saved it in the back of my head for later. "We'll cover more ground this way. Just look for the damn computers." All we had to do was drop the bugs into the system. Tiny spies that would gather the information we needed. If we found anything else, then it would just be a bonus.
Another hiss. "If you get into trouble, I'm not rescuing your ass." My anger flared and I bit down on the comment that rose to my lips. Rescue my ass?! Hell if I was going to give him the satisfaction. Hell if I was even going to talk to him again until I found the damn information we needed.
"I stopped talking to him."
Quatre draws a sharp breath. "Didn't tell him where you were? If you'd found the computers?"
"No- I meant to talk to him if I found them- I just stopped updating him on where I was."
"Did he notice?"
"Of course he did."
"Damn it Duo, where are you? I know you're there- I can hear you breathing."
I didn't answer. I told myself that he really didn't need to know, and kept moving carefully down the corridor. The building didn't have cameras- only security guards- and they were easy enough to dodge. Guess the owners didn't want tapes of their activities- and they had been busy little arms builders. I'd already taken a few pictures I was sure Une would be interested in. Still hadn't found the computers yet, so I still didn't need to talk to Heero.
"Duo- of all the damn times to go silent-" Heero cursed and I was happy that he was mad- happy that I'd gotten under that thick skin of his-
It makes me sick to think of it now. What kind of person am I?
"Duo, you were angry," Trowa says patiently. "We all do that sort of thing when we fight- you want the other person to be just as upset as you are. It's normal."
Quatre nods, but it doesn't ease my guilt. They don't know the rest.
"I found the computers. Bugs inserted. Get the hell out wherever you are."
I welcomed Heero's news, but I still didn't say anything to him. I headed for an exit as fast as I could. I just wanted this whole horrible night over with.
The guards were as surprised to see me as I was to see them. Guess I hadn't really been paying attention like I should have. For just a moment we blinked at each other in surprise- and then they yanked their guns out.
I shot one- but the other managed to dodge into a doorway-practically screaming over his radio for help- and I had to run.
"Duo!" Heero sounded frantic- he must've heard the gunshots over my headset. "Are you okay? Where are you?"
I had to acknowledge him- he had to know the danger. "Ran into security. Get out, they know we're here."
"Where are you?"
I didn't answer-I couldn't answer- I focused all my attention on escape- a small voice inside telling me that it would do the bastard good to worry a little. He'd go to the rendezvous point and have to wait a bit for me- no real harm.
"But he came looking for you."
Quatre's expression is still calm and cool- Trowa is looking out the window, his gaze focused on the building opposite. I wonder what he's thinking. Is he as disgusted with me as I am?
"Yes- and he ran right into one of the patrols. He'd been telling me where he was- so I went to get him." The words get caught in my throat. "He was still fighting, but they'd shot him so many times..."
I took out the rest of the patrol as Heero slipped to his knees in the doorway he'd taken shelter in. I caught him just before he hit the ground.
"Duo-" his eyes were glazed, his lips stained with blood. "Are you all right?"
I don't know how I got him out of there. I must've called the Preventers, because a medteam met us on the way back and took Heero from me.
"So you see, it's all my fault," I finish. "If I'd told him where I was- if I had told him I was okay- if I had just talked to him-"
"A lot of 'ifs'," Quatre interrupts me. "It's too late to think of them now."
"I'm not sure I can stop."
"You need to think of Heero now- the rest you can deal with later. Can you watch him or do we need to stay?"
Quatre's right. Heero needs someone to watch him, monitor his condition- not sit beside him in a stupor of guilt.
"I can watch him." Settling back into the chair beside the bed, I hope that they don't make me leave.
"Good." Quatre touches my shoulder again, but his touch isn't gentle. I'm almost glad that he isn't- I don't deserve his kindness. "We'll see you in the morning."
He gets to his feet and with Trowa following along, leaves me alone with Heero.
Heero's chest rises and falls and I breathe along with him, hoping that he doesn't stop.
TBC...
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