Note: Duo's POV
Erasure Part 8
I cradled Heero against me, trying to reassure him, not knowing even how to start.
"I shot someone in front of a kid?" He whispered in an anguished tone.
"You shot the person that was hurting them."
"But- wasn't there another way?"
"Maybe. But when that kid wakes up from the nightmares of his time with that guy, the first thing he's going to say is: He's dead. He can't hurt me anymore."
"How do you know?"
"Because that's what you would say when you woke up." He looked up at me, eyes wide and surprised. I added: "That's what I would say when I woke up."
He blinked and touched my cheek. "Who hurt you?"
"It doesn't matter. They're dead. Just like the people who hurt you."
"So... that's why I shot the guy?" I nodded.
"Sometimes we need to see the monsters die- sometimes we need to be the one that kills them. You didn't like doing it Heero, but there wasn't another way- no matter what Wufei said. You and I went over and over it afterwards- we always did- we always do- when our jobs lead us into those situations. He was going to kill the kid. You had to shoot."
"So... I was sorry afterwards?"
I nodded. "Yes." More so than usual, I thought, but that could be attributed to Wufei's comments, now that I thought about it. Heero had been more upset than usual, hell, he'd even asked...
I inhaled sharply.
Oh shit...
"Duo," Heero straightened up, freeing himself from my embrace. "What about the rest of it?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, my mind still on the colossal mistake I had made. The next words snapped my focus back to the man beside me.
"Was... Am I a cold-hearted bastard? Did I really not care about you?"
I was going to kill Wufei later.
"No." I reached out and touched his cheek gently. "You loved me. I never doubted it."
"But... what happened? Why...?" He was struggling to find the words, but I knew what he wanted.
I reached out and pulled him back into my arms. "I... I didn't know about Wufei- or what he said. You came home that night and we talked it all out like I said- but you never mentioned what you heard him say." I took a deep breath. "We talked about the shooting- and we talked about my next mission. One I had with Wufei. You... offered to go along, even though you weren't supposed to. I thought you were trying to keep yourself busy... but I wanted you to rest... I thought it would be too much stress. So I told you no. I said Fei and I could handle it." I hadn't realized what Heero had really been asking. How could I have missed it? "You... you asked me if I liked going on those kinds of missions with Chang..." I had to stop for a minute, unable to continue. How could I have said...?
Heero stirred in my arms.
"What did you say?"
"I didn't know what you were really asking..." If only I had! Why hadn't I known?
"How could you have?"
"I should have." I closed my eyes. "I should've known. I knew you were upset, but I thought it was about the shooting... So, I said, sure, it was a nice change of pace being with someone like Chang. I was trying... I swear I didn't mean to imply..."
"Duo," Heero's arms tightened around my waist. "Don't. How could you have known? How do you even know that I took it the wrong way?"
"Because you did. Wufei... we had to pretend to be lovers. We were going to a bar where we had to act convincingly. We were choreographing some things- we'd done it before- you'd helped us before! And so we were... kissing... and you came home."
He looked up at me, his eyes dark with an emotion I couldn't read. "What did I say?"
"You didn't say anything. You just left. At first I didn't know... and then you didn't come back..."
"What did I do?"
"You came here. You're from here- sort of. You went to a place that belonged to someone you used to know. A doctor... He had built a memory altering machine... you'd been in it before..."
"And I wiped my memory."
"I don't think you meant to. Before... the machine had just softened the memories. Made them easier to deal with... This time though... the doc had made some changes on it after you left."
Heero didn't say anything. His eyes were wide and unseeing. "I... I don't remember it. Did the changes erase my memory?"
"We don't know. That's not what the machine was supposed to do. The doc changed it somehow. We found you..." I gestured to his bandaged hands. "We got you free and you started to scream... then you passed out and when you woke up..."
I was editing heavily, but I didn't want to tell him that the machine had made him afraid of me. I didn't want him to remember that part. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry..."
"Duo. This isn't your fault." He gave me a faint smile. "There's nothing to be sorry for. It sounds like I did this to myself."
Because of me, I added silently. We sat in silence for a few moments, and I wondered what Heero was thinking. Did he remember anything?
Would he ever remember anything? And if he never did... what would he do? Would he go back to the Preventers?
Would he... would he want to stay with me? I knew he wasn't the same, but... I didn't care. I just wanted Heero. If he didn't remember me then we could make new memories...
But... but maybe I should let him go... maybe it would be better...
"Duo?" Heero stirred in my arms and sat up. "Can... can you take me to that machine? Can I see it?"
I shuddered. I didn't want to see it again. But...
"Of course. As soon as the doctors say you can leave."
He smiled. "Thank you. I know it sounds weird... but I just have a feeling I should see it..."
"I'll take you. I promise." I got to my feet, pulling him with me. "But in the meantime, you need to rest." I looked at the door, wondering what was going on beyond it. It was pretty quiet out there.
Heero let me help him to bed. He grabbed the tip of my braid before I could even think of an excuse to leave. "Stay for a while? Tell me some more? Tell me how we met?"
I couldn't refuse him...
TBC...
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