Note: Duo's POV
Erasure Part 4
They wouldn't let me see him. Quatre called for the medics and they came and took Heero away. Quatre took me to the L1 head quarters, found us a couch in the medical wing to wait on, but he wouldn't go talk to the doctors about letting me see Heero. He called Sally, asked her to join us on L1. He sat with me and got me cups of tea. He asked me if I needed anything, if I wanted anything.
I wanted Heero. I wanted to see Heero.
But they wouldn't let me.
They let Quatre in, briefly. He came back out again and told me that Heero wasn't awake. That he wasn't responding to any stimulus. He had just shut down.
I know Quatre felt guilty. He'd been the one to knock Heero out- and at the time I had been glad. I had wanted him to stop screaming...
Now I wanted him awake. I wanted to know why I had scared him so badly.
He had been frightened. I've seen Heero scared. He has nightmares, terrible ones, ones that frighten him... but not like that...
I asked Quatre about it. He said he hadn't had time to feel anything- didn't know what had scared Heero.
I knew he was lying.
He knew it was me.
Why?
It was hours later that Trowa joined us, his face lined and weary. He sat down beside me on the couch, took my hand in his gently.
He's never done that before. Trowa never touches anyone like that, except for Quatre.
"Duo, I... went through the lab. Found J's notes on that machine Heero was in." He reached into a pocket with his free hand and handed a small jump drive to Quatre. "It's all there."
"What was it?"
"A memory device... sort of. He used it on Heero once before, when Heero had made a mistake on a mission. It made the person feel the pain of their mistake less- erased it in a way. They didn't forget, exactly... J called it refocusing. The machine made the subjects refocus themselves on their objective, made them care less about what had come before..." Trowa's fingers squeezed mine. "I think Heero was trying to make himself get past what happened. He knew he'd have to work with you and Wufei at the Preventers. I think he was trying to make it hurt less."
That almost made sense in a way. "But... the machine didn't work..."
"No," Trowa shook his head. "J tinkered with it. He didn't want that device falling into Oz hands, so he made some adjustments. He doesn't say what specifically... I guess he did it to all the machines in the lab. I just found a warning to the effect that if anyone tried to use them, they'd be sorry..."
I frowned. Typical. Though why hadn't Heero thought of that? Why hadn't he checked the logs? He must've known they were there... it wasn't like him to be so careless...
I remembered Heero's face, remembered the look he'd given me before he'd bolted out the door... he hadn't been thinking at all....
Oh god...
"So the machine was rigged to destroy itself?" I asked.
Trowa nodded. "I think so."
Quatre spoke up from his place on the other side of Trowa. "I think what he turned it into instead was something that instead of numbing the pain intensified it."
Before I could think of a response, think to ask Quatre how he could be so sure of that, a doctor appeared. "The patient is awake now, and seems calm." I bolted to my feet, but Trowa held fast to my hand.
"Not yet Duo," Quatre got to his feet. "Let me go first, okay? I promise if he seems better I'll let them bring you in."
He had a point. I sat down again. It was my presence that had set Heero off last time.
Quatre followed the doctor through the doorway. Trowa stayed beside me, his hand still on mine.
I tried to calm my breathing. Tried to show that I was trustworthy enough to be let in to see Heero, that I wouldn't cause a scene.
I thought about what Quatre had said. Heero had tried to forget about me. Had tried to return to the man he'd been during the war. The one focused only on his goals. I had respected that Heero, but I hadn't liked him much. It was hard to like someone that only laughed when he was destroying things.
It had taken so long for him to trust us enough to relax around the other pilots- to relax around me. The man I had fallen in love with was still the soldier I had gone to war with, but he was also more than that.
Had I lost him forever?
Quatre appeared before us. "Duo, you can go see him."
I looked up, surprised. I had been sure Quatre was going to return and tell me no.
"I... can? Are you sure it won't set him off?"
"I'm sure." Quatre sighed.
I got to my feet, letting go of Trowa's hand, and met Quatre's eyes. "What aren't you telling me?"
"He's... he didn't remember me. He didn't remember the machine. He doesn't seem to remember much of anything. The doctors think the... stress... made his memory wipe itself. Temporarily, they hope..."
I heard the hesitancy in Quatre's voice. In other words, the machine had made me into his worse nightmare- and then when he'd woken up to me leaning over him... it had been too much for him.
I sat back down on the sofa and put my hands over my eyes.
This was all my fault...
TBC...