Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Yaoi, angst, suicide
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
Oh boy, prussianblue, I have to apologize- apparently my angst meter was not working well this week. I wrote this drabble twice- first from Heero's pov, and then after reading it over, from Duo's- and I poked at it for a few days, and... well, here it is.
Drabble 41
I'd always had nightmares. Solo told me that I used to cry out in my sleep looking for my mother. Sister Helen told me I cried out looking for Solo. After the church... well, I didn't have anyone to tell me what I cried out after, but I knew. I could remember the nightmares all too well by then.
The war didn't help matters any- it just added a whole new layer of nightmares- Deathscythe exploding, Wing self-destructing, Heero... even thinking about it in the daylight makes me shiver a little.
When I went to work for the Preventers afterwards, I hoped, somehow, that it would help with the nightmares. It didn't. All the things I saw... in some ways I think they were worse than ever.
But then they decided to partner me with Heero- I guess Une thought we'd work well together- and on the first overnight mission we had together- the nightmares didn't come. I don't know why. I remember waking up the next morning when the alarm went off and sort of staring at the ceiling. Trying to figure out what was different- because I knew something was. Heero had already climbed out of his bed and was headed towards the shower when I realized that I'd slept peacefully.
At first I thought the nightmares had just given me a break- though I'd hoped they'd left me for good. It took several more missions before I realized that the key- was Heero. When I slept near him- the dreams didn't show up.
It was horrible of me, I know it was, but... the dreams had been with me for so long- and when they stopped- I felt such relief, such peace...
So I lied to Heero. I didn't want to, but I did. I told him that my rent was being raised, that I had to find a new place. I was trying to figure out how to get him to offer to share his apartment with me- when he offered all on his own. I could move into his spare room, he would like sharing the rent, all the arguments I was going to use on him, he used on me.
I hoped being a room away from Heero would still make his influence work. I remember that first night, staring at the wall that separated our rooms, hoping that knowing he was close would somehow still keep the nightmares away.
It did.
Though... I still wished he was closer. I was pretty head over heels for him then. I had been fascinated with him back during the war, and spending all the time I did with him sort of cemented things for me.
Instead of nightmares, I had dreams. Dreams of Heero, stroking my hair, smiling for me, telling me that he'd never leave me, that he loved me... I hated waking up some mornings. Hated letting go of that Heero and finding myself alone.
Then, one morning, I woke up and found Heero beside me.
We'd been on overtime, days it seemed like, with a kidnapping case. By the time we finally made it home, both of us were ready to drop from exhaustion. I remember falling into bed after kicking my boots off- and then waking up to find Heero sleeping beside me, propped up on the headboard, his neck at an uncomfortable angle.
I jumped out of bed, panicked. For a moment, I thought I had ended up in his room. Sleepwalked in or something- but it was my room and Heero was blinking at me sleepily.
"You had a nightmare," he said hesitatingly. "I heard you- I came in to try to wake you up- I talked to you- I must've fallen asleep- I'm sorry."
Oh. I felt my face turn red. "It's okay- I mean, I'm sorry. You just surprised me..."
Heero smiled a little. "I surprised myself," he said and cricked his neck. "Ouch. I'm going to go grab a shower."
He left and I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, watching the door. Heero had heard me start to have a nightmare? He'd come into talk to me?
I didn't remember the start of a nightmare, but... How many times had he done that? He hadn't seemed embarrassed, but... had he done it before? Was that the reason my nightmares had vanished?
When I asked him later, trying to sound casual, he'd just shrugged. "A few times," he said.
Oh no. No. If he was soothing my nightmares away- what was I doing? Had I given myself away?
That night I locked the door.
I couldn't face him, couldn't look him in the eye, couldn't work with him. He had to know- and I was so afraid of the pity I was sure I'd see in his eyes that I didn't even look for anything else.
I asked Une for a transfer, found another apartment, moved out.
Heero didn't say anything, didn't try to stop me. I don't even know how he took it really... his voice seemed calm enough, and I couldn't look him in the face.
The nightmares came back, worse than ever... now I knew I cried out for Heero- looking for him, unable to find him, knowing he was dying and unable to help...
Two weeks of it left me nearly unable to function. I couldn't be without him... if all he could offer me was pity, I'd take it...
So, I went looking for him one morning and found our former office empty. Had he gone on a mission? I left the office and nearly ran into Une.
"Yuy quit," she snapped at me and I felt a cold shudder run down my spine.
"When?"
"This morning. Said he couldn't work here anymore."
I hurried away from her, pulling my cell phone from my pocket. When I dialed Heero's number all I got was the disconnected message.
Now I was scared.
I took one of the bikes and headed over towards his apartment- only to find an 'available for rent' sign on the door. The super told me that Heero had given his notice and moved out.
Where was he? What was he doing?
I headed back towards HQ, panicked now, and nearly missed seeing the dark figure sitting on a park bench near the lake.
I knew it was him, even from that distance. Relief swept over me and I parked the bike. Heero didn't look up as I approached and fear spiked my stomach.
"Heero?" He didn't answer me, but he did look up at me. He was pale, his eyes red rimmed as if he'd had trouble sleeping. "Heero?" I tried again, sitting down beside him. "What are you doing here? Une told me you quit- so I tried to call you- and your phone is disconnected. Then I went by the apartment- and saw that it was for rent- what are you doing?"
"Moving on." he said softly. "It's time."
"So you're taking off again?" Where was he going to go? Could I convince him to take me with him?
"Yes." He didn't say anything else and I was suddenly angry.
"Don't you think you should've said something? I mean, shit, Heero! You scared me! Giving up all of that makes it looks like you were thinking of killing yourself!"
"I already did."
What? "Heero!" I clutched at him, shaking him a little. I didn't see any blood- "What the hell do you mean? What did you do?" A small container dropped from his pocket and I let go of him to grab it. I read the description and felt my stomach twist. "How many of these did you take?"
"All of them."
Panic nearly choked me. I pulled out my cellphone, pressing the buttons frantically. "Fuck! What the hell were you thinking? How long ago did you take them? Why?"
Why had he done it? It didn't make sense!
"You left." He said, leaning back on the bench. "I scared you away. I didn't mean to. I just wanted to make your nightmares stop- and then- I just- I love you." His voice was fading. "You weren't supposed to know-"
Oh no. I had been so worried about what he'd think of my behavior, I never once thought of what mine looked like. Never thought that maybe all those memories of Heero sitting beside me, soothing the nightmares away, telling me he loved me- never thought they were real.
Someone on the other end finally picked up. I quickly gave them our location, told them what we needed. My hand had closed around Heero's wrist, marking his pulse. "Stay with me." I shook him again, trying to keep his eyes open. "Help is on the way."
"Duo-"
"I love you too. So stay with me." I could hear the sirens now. "If you don't- I won't be able to keep the nightmares away."
He didn't say anything more, but kept his eyes focused on me, even when help arrived. I stayed beside him, as he'd so often watched over me.
Now I sit and watch him sleep, here in the hospital, waiting for the doctor to come and tell me that I can take him home.
OWARI
Back to Merula's Fanfictions Page