Amy asked for the guys in Cyberficcy to finally have that talk as her drabble. (only took a few years.... sorry!)
Cyberficcy Part 5
"Are you sure you want to hear?"
"I do." That's a lie. I don't want to hear at all. But- "I need to hear."
I can feel Duo bracing himself, hear the deep breath he takes. "Then I'll tell you."
He doesn't speak for a moment, but I don't encourage him. I know he's looking for a way to start, trying to find the least disturbing way of telling me what happened.
"Right after it happened...." he starts hesitantly, "I... I went right back to work. The others- they wanted me to take a break, to maybe go stay with Howard or something, but I couldn't. I... wanted to stay busy. If I was busy, then I didn't have to think... about you."
He lifts his head and looks at me for a moment, running his fingertips over my cheek. I echo the gesture and turns his lips to meet my fingertips, kissing them gently. "About three weeks after- I came back to the office after several days of being out on a case. I wanted to type the notes up before I crashed. Halfway through- I... I got stuck on a word. I couldn't remember the word I needed and so I turned to ask you- and you weren't there. And... it all sort of hit me at once. You weren't there... and you weren't going to be there..." His voice cracks slightly and even though I don't have one anymore, I can feel my heart aching for him.
"Duo-"
"Shh," he covers my lips with his fingers. "I... Let me tell it all at once, okay?" I nod and he puts his head down on my chest, where I can't see his face. "I... sort of had a breakdown. I don't remember everything exactly... but I remember Une coming in and bending over me. She got me to my feet and walked me down to medical."
A moment of silence again. I don't dare break it. Brushing my hand over Duo's hair, I wait for him to tell me the rest.
"She... and Sally... and the others... they... made me take a leave of absence. Made arraignments for me to go and stay with Howard. Signed me up to talk to a shrink." He sighs. "I went for a week. I couldn't stand it. There was.... too much time to think. So, I snuck away and went back- and when I got into HQ- they had changed our office. Taken your desk out- it was.... like you had never been there."
I remember seeing the office on that tiny monitor in the docs lab right after I woke up- at the time I had thought it was a sign that Duo had moved on. How wrong I was...
"I... I left. I went home and..." He lifts his wrist for me to see and I press that faint scar to my lips. "Quatre found me... got me to the hospital." He chuckles, a sound without any mirth. "They didn't leave me alone for a long time after that- but at least they didn't make me try and change the apartment too."
"Duo- I'm so sorry-" It's not enough, not nearly enough, but-
"Don't love. It was all over and done with before you even woke up in the docs lab. There was nothing you could have done."
"I could've gotten around that corner faster," I say without thinking and he looks up at me with guilt in his eyes.
"It was my fault- if I'd realized sooner-"
"No," I cut him off quickly. "It wasn't your fault- and- you got me back in time- got me to the docs in time to save what they needed to save." Okay, so that hadn't come out like I wanted, but to my relief, Duo's guilt seems to fade a little.
Mine is still with me- will always be with me. But that's how it should be. I never should have doubted him...
He puts his head back down on my chest, closing his eyes. "I'm glad you're back," he says softly.
"Me too." And I don't intend to leave him. Not ever again...
~*~
Duo's curled up in my arms, sound asleep. I could almost envy him this oblivion. After what he's told me tonight I wish I could blot reality out for a bit too.
I circle his wrist in my fingers gently. The faint scar is there, a ridge of skin- so small a thing that almost took Duo away from me forever.
Of course, he thought I was gone forever. If our positions had been reversed- I would've done the same.
I brush the hair out of his face, kiss his cheek and his lips turn up in a small smile. If I'm not careful, I'll wake him. Maybe I should slide out of bed, go get some work done.
But I don't want Duo waking up without me. So I close my eyes hook myself into the net. After I send a quick note to G to thank him for the modifications, I'll do some poking around the Preventers database.
But when I attempt to access the net, something odd happens.
I blink as I find myself standing in a hangar, Wing kneeling in the corner.
Where am I? One of the virtual reality games they have on the net? How did I get here? I try to disengage myself from the net, but I can't.
"About time you got here."
The voice rings through the hangar. I turn and find myself face to face- with myself.
My double frowns at me. "I've been waiting for you."
Is this a trap?
"Yes. I knew you were out there. I could feel you- but you left him!"
I know he means Duo. "I was-"
"You were scared." He snaps. "You didn't think he'd want to see you and you were too scared to face him."
"How-"
"-do I know? Because I'm you! Heero Yuy died and the doctors saved his brain- kept his mind. But I was left to fend for myself." He growls. "I never left Duo! I watched him! I saw what he did to himself! I tried to stop him!" He's snarling now, furious and angry. "I couldn't reach him! I needed you and you weren't here! You hid from him!"
"I'm not alive anymore!" I snapped back. "I'm a freak! I don't breathe, I don't eat! I didn't want Duo to have to deal with that! Yes, it was wrong of me, but I didn't know! I thought he was okay!"
His expression changes. "You know it was wrong?"
"Yes!"
"You aren't planning to leave him again?"
"Not unless he makes me leave."
He smiles. "Then you'll let me in?"
I blink at him. "Let you in?"
"I've been waiting for you." He smiles a little wider. "I was hoping you'd see that you were wrong. Hoping you'd come here where I could reach you."
He reaches out his hand and it slides into my chest. There's no pain, just a strange warmth."What are you doing?"
"Ever heard of the ghost in the shell?"
"You..." I start as he steps closer, more of his body vanishing into mine. He just shakes his head, moving forward still and then I'm alone in the hangar.
I open my eyes. Duo is still curled up next to me, fast asleep. I let my fingers linger in his hair, listen to his soft snores and I wonder what just happened.
Whatever it was, I somehow feel better, more complete, more real...
TBC...
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