Moments of Haven Part 52
Reaffirming

Heero paused on his way up the stairs, hearing a key grating against the lock of the front door. Stay where he was? Go down to meet him? Hide in his room? He spent enough time uncharacteristically frozen trying to make a decision that the matter was taken out of his hands. The door opened, and Duo entered, immediately spying him.

Though Duo had come in with something akin to eagerness, it all fled once he laid his eyes upon his housemate. He forced a smile to his face, called out 'Hey,' then turned to shut the door behind him with relief for even the smallest of respites.

"Hey," Heero murmured in response. "Eat yet?"

Duo took a breath to ready himself before turning around again. His cheerful grin was now downgraded to something a little more hesitant. "Yeah. You?"

Heero blinked at him blandly for a second before he nodded slightly. He started back down the stairs slowly. "Have fun?"

A careless shrug was wrestled down in favor of something more informative. "Yeah... it was nice helping out. The church ladies made me a little nervous, but..." This time the shrug did get out, but it was rich with meaning. He gave it barely enough time to percolate before he knelt down to undo his laces. "You know. Anyway, it was cool fixing stuff. It's amazing what people give away. They had this game console there that was a total classic. A little tweak and it still worked and everything. I was almost tempted to take it home with me, just because it was neat, but I told 'em what it was worth and made them promise to make some good money on it."

Heero was distracted enough by the jarringly easy exchange between them that he was startled when Duo wrapped arms around him the moment his feet touched the ground floor. It was a fervent sort of embrace.

He was still blinking when Duo released him just enough to place a timid kiss on the corner of his mouth. After a lingering moment, Duo disengaged entirely, hands raising to cup his opposite elbows with a uncertain air. "Sorry," he apologized softly. "I just realized that... that it's been a while since we did anything of the sort... and that's been because of me."

A few more thoughtful blinks later, Heero raised a hand to touch him on the arm in silent inquiry. Duo tilted his head towards the living room, then led the way to the sofa, where they seated themselves with a neutral distance between them.

Blackie had been shifted to the cushions during Heero's cleaning spree. Duo picked the bear up now and hugged the plushie to his chest absently, reminding himself that he was committed to this. He'd thrown his arms around Heero with a 'just do it', 'now or never' attitude. Standing around dwelling on it wouldn't make things better. Action would. He steeled himself for it, then launched right in without thinking about it any further. "So I was talking to Father Mac today, and I guess he helped me work through some stuff, sort of, not that I really gave him many specifics... But we were talking about what I seemed to be expecting out of a relationship, and I found out that maybe... maybe my mind is playing tricks on me and maybe I have some unrealistic expectations floating around in there, even though I know better."

The words drifted slowly through the layers of Heero's mind until they finally produced a single carefully uttered word. "Okay." He nodded slightly to prompt Duo to go on.

Hands played with Blackie's paws hoping to get the jitters out, but they didn't, so Duo took a deep, distracting breath and plunged ahead again. "I've been unfair, Heero. I know that. I apologize for it, too. But that's not really the main thing here. What's behind all of this, I think, is... you know, I thought I was smarter than this," he finally huffed grumpily.

Heero raised an eyebrow. Alright, grumpy Duo he could handle. There was no walking on eggshells around grumpy Duo. "Smarter than what?"

"Than this!" Duo waved his hand around in a gesture that encompassed practically everything. "I have very low expectations for life! I'm usually the one that's got some sort of black humor going, right? Cheerful, sure, but only in a teeth-baring, just try and screw with me, I'm ready for ya! sort of way, right? Where the hell do I get off having notions of 'happily ever after'? I'm disappointed in myself. I really am. I mean, talk about setting yourself up for hurt. If I walked right into it, man, I deserve it. I really do."

"You don't deserve..." Heero started off with a soft, sharp voice, but trailed off before completing the thought aloud. "You don't," he repeated firmly.

The interruption quite effectively derailed Duo's tirade. He sputtered into silence, knowing full well what Heero had planned as the end of that sentence, and being reminded of so many of the things that had drawn him to Heero without having to hear it brought to life in the airwaves. The grip on the teddy bear in his lap tightened for a few moments before he tossed the bear aside and scooted across the distance between himself and his housemate, latching onto an arm. As he rested his head against Heero's shoulder, inhaling the warm, sweet scent of a laundered shirt, he sighed. It started out contented, but turned tired in the end. "See? Dark disposition? Definitely not an optimist, right?"

Heero's opposite hand reached over and laid itself upon Duo's, rubbing gently. "And yet... 'happily ever after'?"

"Hell if I know," Duo muttered sourly. "All I know is, one day, I started believing that love was being able to finish each other's sentences, and never having to say you're sorry." He stopped to roll his eyes. "Next thing I know, I'll be expecting flowers and candied hearts. What a load of crap."

"And I... haven't been finishing your sentences lately." It was said with nearly an air of apology.

"Ugh, please, don't start. I don't want you to. That's the point. Or maybe more like, I shouldn't want you to, since it seems I do, and against all my better judgment at that."

Heero hummed contemplatively, head dropping to touch against Duo's for a moment. The absence of this simple intimacy had been keenly missed. "Maybe you want me to be able to, but not to actually do it?"

"There's a possibility," Duo muttered. "Goddammit. I feel like a fuckin' girl." A chuckle escaped from Heero's mind and made it out into the open air. Duo jabbed his fist into Heero's side in retaliation. "Oh, shut up."

Heero smiled, resting his head briefly against Duo's again. "So if that's the source of the problem... what's the solution?"

"Hell if I know," he repeated sullenly. "Shatter my dreams?"

Heero took the liberty of punching him in the arm, using the one that was unoccupied. "Wrong answer. Try again."

He pouted, rubbing absently at the place Heero had struck him. The fleeting ache was already gone, but he did it anyway because it was the thing to do. "See? Black humor." He sighed again, his rubbing hand slowly migrating over to Heero's arm to continue its lazy motion. "I don't know, Heero. I'm not even sure what I expected. I mean, don't get me wrong. You did... what you should have done, much as it pains me to admit it. It's not like you've messed up or... something." He turned partially, scooting closer so he could rest his chin on Heero's shoulder and look him in the eye. "You've been... great. I honestly can't imagine things really going any better, realistically speaking. ...Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing... whatever. You're you, and I'm me, and... this is the way it adds up, I guess."

"You're you, Duo," Heero echoed, voice gentle to cover the spare centimeters that separated them. "You, and no less... 'great'. I wouldn't have you any other way."

A powerful silence drove out the thoughts from Duo's mind. At long, staring length, he shifted and glanced away casually. "Yeah, well, that doesn't solve our problem, now does it?"

Though Duo had broken their close eye contact, Heero still watched him intently. "I don't know what I expected, either. Maybe just that... we'd both have to be pretty stupid before we'd mess things up beyond all repair. Since I don't think we're stupid guys, I haven't worried too much about that. ...And I like to think that this is just proving me right. That we... had a disagreement, and there was anger and bitterness and hurt and all the rest of the usual stuff... but here we still are. Even if this whole romantic relationship thing ends up being a no-go, sort of as it has for the last few weeks... here we still are."

Still staring off at a point in the distance, Duo shook his head. "No. No no-go. I just need to... Okay, the way I see it, I got two options. Either I stick to my foolish notions and get all worried about the fact that you can't read my mind and start doubting--" He choked on his words suddenly, unable to continue the thought. Before it could play out in his mind, he hurried on. "Or I just grow up, remember that life never turns out the way I want it to anyway, and get on with the business of living... with you. Now, personally, I'm leaning towards the second option 'cuz it's just asking for trouble thinking like that. 'Happily ever after', my ass. 'S not healthy, I tell ya. That, and... I don't want to doubt, Heero," he finished with a small voice.

Heero moved his head a bit, enough to get a more frontal view of Duo's expression. There were enough clues there to hazard a guess. "It's too late. You do doubt. What is it?"

"Not you," he was quick to offer, emerging from the shelter of his bangs to do so without fear. "Not you. I mean, if ever there was a guy I could do this with, it would be you. If not you, then I'd pretty much have to write myself off as a hopeless cause..."

"But...?"

"But..." The word sat heavily between them. Reluctant to give up their physical proximity, he compensated by looking away again. The strict arrangement of magazines on the coffee table confirmed for him what the jeep had already hinted: Heero had been cleaning again. "Not you... just... 'this'. I don't mind adjusting my attitude. I'd do it anyway, even without all this shit going on. But this whole relationship thing... if it's not so pretty and shiny after all... friendship was pretty and shiny, wasn't it? If we were just friends, yeah, I'd probably still have gotten pissed, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with feeling all... you know. Takin' it personally and all."

It was a variation on a question Heero had asked himself before. With a little mental rearrangement, he now gave a variation of some of the answers he had found. "As your friend, Duo... as your good friend... don't I still have a certain degree of responsibility for knowing what's on your mind? Wouldn't I still be... betraying you in some sense if I failed at that? Wasn't that to be the basis of our relationship? That the whole boyfriend thing was for physical matters, and the friendship thing for... everything else?" He paused for a strained chuckle. "Wasn't that the basis of Relena and Suzuhara-san's entire argument?"

Duo shuddered, but joined in the laugh reluctantly. "God, don't remind me. Yeah, I guess, but... stupid ideas and all, you know." He waved his fingers in a dismissive, disparaging manner. "They complicate things. I knew it couldn't possibly be that easy."

"You're not chickening out on me, are you, Maxwell?" Heero prodded, knowing he could get some sort of useful response out of the challenge.

"Not 'chickening out'," Duo said, puffing himself up with wounded dignity. Such an accusation called for defensive posturing and aggressive eye contact. "Just... re-evaluating the cost-effectiveness of this whole thing. We're paying a premium price for it right now... and what are we getting back?"

In wordless response, Heero leaned in and kissed him in some soft, soothing way that spread from his lips down to his toes and tingled its way back again.

Duo blinked his eyes back open and re-focused on his partner's open expression. "Well, okay," he admitted, tamping down on the warmth and giddy breathlessness. "There is that. What else you got?"

After quirking an eyebrow up at him, Heero looked pointedly down and poked the arm that was wrapped around his own.

Deliberately not letting go, Duo fixed his gaze on that for a while, studying their relative skin tones and textures before shrugging lopsidedly. "And that, too." He sighed. "Think maybe if I give it a few years, you'll magically know what's going on inside my head then?"

With one arm tied up and the punch and the poke already having been done, Heero opted to head-butt him lightly. "No. I don't think I'll ever magically know what's going on inside your head a lot of times, and I think that's a fine thing. If we could read each other's minds all the time, we'd never have to talk anymore, and I enjoy talking to you, Duo. And if I do know what's going on in your head, I don't think it'll be magic. It'll be hard-won knowledge, something well-earned, and something hopefully I deserve."

"But see, you could still be psychic and just be my friend."

"But you wouldn't get all the kissy stuff."

Duo's eyes slid over to stare at him, followed shortly by the pivoting of the rest of his head. "You've been talking to Ami again, haven't you?" Heero shrugged. "Heh, kissy stuff. Yeah, I wouldn't get that, but I wouldn't get all the... hurt stuff, too."

"Yes, you would," Heero reiterated.

"No, I wouldn't," Duo insisted. "I don't have expectations about friendship. I do about... this other thing. If you're gonna be my... 'kissy partner'..."

Heero raised an eyebrow.

Then it was Duo's turn to shrug. The term worked as well as any other, given that the terms they used wouldn't change what they both knew on the inside. "I could go either way on that one, too. Either I get all..." He struggled to find some word other than the obvious one, but finally had to admit defeat. "...scared that this all means you're not the one, or else I get..." He paused before forcing the word out again. "...scared that this whole... kissy thing isn't as good as advertised... and I already said that I refuse to panic over the first one, so I guess it's the second for me."

He paused thoughtfully for a moment before continuing on with bright gusto. "I know how I'll spin it! This is reaffirming. Really. 'Cuz I don't believe in this 'perfect' crap, right? I would have broken sooner or later if this hadn't happened, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, people only get deliriously happy in movies and stuff right before one of them dies or something, right? So this is good."

Heero had to devote more than a mere moment of consideration to the matter. "...Because this means... neither of us is going to die soon?"

Duo nodded vigorously. "Just go with it, man. Pretend it makes sense and go with it 'cuz it's all I got at the moment. Life has proved once again that it generally kinda sucks, which is great, because it confirms everything I've always known! All is right with the world because life isn't perfect. It's brilliant."

While he was glad that the doubt had been whittled away, one way or another... "That doesn't help us get past this, Duo."

It took a few seconds, but Duo finally deflated. "I know," he answered glumly, settling back against Heero's shoulder. "But I think this'll all blow over eventually. Just a pothole on the road of life. We've got the suspension to deal with that, no sweat, right? Maybe we'll have to slow down for a little while and... wait for the dampeners to smooth out the ride again, but at least we aren't at our little status quo anymore, so give us a little time and I'm sure we'll be back up to speed and looking back on this as an educational experience. That's all that's left for us to do, really. I accept why you did what you did, and you accept why I did what I did, and we're both kinda sorry about that even if we're not taking any of it back, and, well... here we still are, so I guess things are okay."

"Here we still are...," Heero echoed, tasting the mood between them and finding it no longer strained. Yes, all was right with the world. "Can it also be reaffirming that, even with our flaws, we still work things out?"

Duo closed his eyes for a moment with a grimace of pained sappiness before poking his partner lazily in the gut. "Reaffirming in an entirely different way, maybe... but yeah," he finished in a quite audible undertone. It was the sort he used when he feared saying something aloud would jinx his luck. "I... could go for that."

OWARI

 

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