Moments of Haven Part 51
Compulsive Maturity

I didn't know whether to be relieved or disheartened when Ami showed up at the door. Either she would be a welcome distraction, or she would add tension to my already strained nerves. Regardless of my personal state of mind, when she asked if she could hang out here for a bit, I mustered up a pleasant expression for her and let her in. She was very good at entertaining herself and not being a bother.

"I'm just doing some things around the house, if you don't mind."

She beamed at me the way only a child without the weight of worries could. "That's fine." She hopped across the threshold and into our home. "Where's Duo?"

The front door shut behind her with just a little more force than I had intended. "He went to help out with Father MacKenzie in the city."

"Why didn't you go, too?"

Such an innocent question. I tried to keep my answer at a similar level of nonchalance. "We don't have to be together all the time, Ami." I strolled back into the living room, which was currently in a state of disarray despite my intentions to clean. Some people cleaned around the things that lay in their path, but I preferred to move it all out of the way and do a more thorough job of it.

Toeing her shoes off, she followed me and stopped short in the transition from entranceway to living room. "You're cleaning," she accused.

I shrugged. "You don't have to help."

"Did you and Duo fight?"

I froze, glad my back was to her. After a careful swallow, I turned to face her. "What makes you think that?"

She made a careless gesture as she pulled herself onto the arm of the sofa. "Mom only does this much cleaning when she's mad or nervous or something."

A slight frown made its way to my lips. "I am not a compulsive cleaner," I denied, uncomfortable with the idea of such a giveaway trait, especially one that was beyond my control.

"What's that mean?" She pounced on my words with an eagerness that always surprised me. Odd, given that I had little to no familiarity with the inquisitiveness of normal children this age, but I had plenty of experience with people with a strong desire to learn.

"Compulsive? It means that you can't help but do something. Sort of like a bad habit. Sometimes you don't know you're doing it. Sometimes you can't stop doing it." It reminded me of addictions, and how even the word was a major taboo in our household at the moment.

She rolled the word around in her mind, adding it to her vocabulary. "So a... com-pul-sive cleaner is someone who can't stop cleaning?"

I nodded, but reapplied the word to the context at hand. "Maybe in this case, it's more like someone who can't not start. A lot of times, it's used when talking about nervous habits, like your mom cleaning when she's nervous or angry. It's a way that a person can redirect that energy into something else."

"So are you mad or nervous right now?"

"No." That wasn't even a lie. Though I was plenty of other things, I was neither of those particular things.

"Then why are you cleaning?"

"If people only cleaned when they got mad or nervous, the world would be a very messy place."

"But people are always getting mad or nervous, aren't they?"

My eyebrow rose. That... was unfortunately true. I tilted my head in concession of her point. "Sooner or later, I guess. I don't prefer 'later', myself. I thought I'd get it done while Duo was out."

"So you are fighting," she declared triumphantly.

I sighed. The logic of a child was both insightful and infuriating. "I'm doing him a favor by doing it while he's out." I let her infer that it was because Duo didn't like cleaning, like most people, though the actual reason was really more a concern over his health that would likely get me hurt if I ever tried saying so in Duo's presence. He was recovered, yes, but his body still wasn't operating at peak efficiency. He tried to hide it, of course, but it showed in little ways.

Ami put on her contemplative face again, and I took the opportunity to flee back to my dust bunnies while I could. I admit there was a slightly selfish reason for it, too. From all the work we had been doing at HQ even before our fieldwork, we had had little time to keep up with the chores around the house. The faint sprinkling of dust on things we normally kept immaculate was just another reminder of how we had spent our ast few weeks.

"Mom said Duo was sick last week," Ami started up again, heels tapping idly against the side of the couch. "I just came by to say 'hi' since Mom didn't want me over here before. But since he's not here, I guess I'll just say 'hi' to you."

So I was her second choice, was I? That was fine. She'd already seen me in the last week. It was Duo who had been sequestered. Since she was just sitting there, I had her help. "Take all the things off that shelf, would you? You can just set it on the floor, or wherever you find the room."

She commented on the state of our living room while my back was turned. "There's plenty of room. You need more stuff."

"What sort of stuff?" We had 'things'. Plants. Pots for the plants. A watering can for the plants. A couple of magazines on the coffee table. My eyes slid over Fido, and slid just as quickly away.

"You know. Like, stuff," she answered vaguely, doing as she was told. "Personal stuff. Like souvenirs and photos and stuff. But I guess you can't really have lots of pictures with you and Duo since you're still secret, huh? But you know what? Twice now, Mom's almost messed up and told me!"

"You already know the 'secret', Ami," I pointed, not entirely comfortable with the term. Sure, we hadn't really told anyone... but that was it. On the other hand, if this ended up not working out, maybe it would be better if very few people ever knew it had happened... I treated myself to a firm mental slap. I couldn't think that way. I wouldn't.

"Well, I know the secret, but Mom doesn't know that I know." I could sense the wide grin on her face though I frowned at my hands as I wiped down the coffee table with a rag dosed liberally with orange oil. "So that's a secret, too. It's been really fun."

Secrets? Fun? "I don't think I've ever had a fun secret."

"We should get you one. Isn't it a fun secret that you like Duo?"

I carefully refolded my rag for a clean side as I contemplated my answer. Did I want to try and quibble the semantics of a 'secret' with her? "It's not a 'secret'... not very fun, either," I added softly.

"But you have fun with Duo, don't you?"

Not lately. "That's something else entirely, Ami. I would have fun with him even without any secrets."

"Have you figured it out yet?"

I was not up to following leaps in subject matter in my current condition. "Figured what out?"

"What's so good about kissing boys?"

Well, I had told her to get back to me on that one. I suppose a month or two was a short eternity to a child. "No... no, I haven't, really."

She pursed her lips grumpily, thinking about grownup matters that made little sense. "Are you sure you're not just saying that?"

Was the answer that important? "I'm not just saying that," I assured her, putting my dust rag down to give her my full attention. It wouldn't do to make her think I was ignoring her. "It really does make no sense."

"Then why do you keep doing it?"

"Well, it's..." Very non-standard behavior for me, that was certain. "Well, we accept that it's good. We just don't know why."

She stopped fooling with the things on our shelf and plopped down in front of me on the other side of the coffee table. "There must be some reason why you like it."

"I suppose there is..." Half a dozen sentences were born upon my lips, but all of them withered and died before they ever made it out. None of them was quite right. The matter was no simple thing to explain, especially when I myself was unclear on the answers. There were too many things that could not be defined. This called for some axiomatic acceptance. "Can we at least agree that humans are wired to like it, from a physical standpoint? The same way humans cry when they're sad, or laugh when they're happy." They kiss when they're horny? My examples didn't quite fit with what I was trying to say, but it was good enough to make her stop and put some thought into the matter again.

But people don't only cry when they're sad. People cry when they're happy. They laugh when it hurts. And they kiss... when they want to say, 'you are my chosen mate.' Yes, Duo was my chosen one, in whatever ways my heart and mind had decided upon but not yet informed me of, and I could not see there being another.

Ami finally nodded. "Okay, I guess."

And if we could accept that kissing was just inherently enjoyable due to a quirk of nature, then was that the end of the discussion? No... there was more. I'd told her, one day not so very long ago, that I wouldn't recommend kissing just anyone. "Then..." I shrugged, not quite uncomfortably, but... uneasily. It wasn't one of those things a person would normally put into words and say aloud. "I just like being with Duo. And maybe kissing him... reminds me of all those things I like about being with him."

Like what? I asked myself automatically, hoping Ami wouldn't ask me the same. Like... how we could trust each other to such a degree. Or how he was strong enough to not need me, but warm enough to want me. Or how there was something shy and sweet beneath that brash, bold confidence. Or how no matter what colors he was showing at the moment, they were vivid and powerful. Or how we had built upon a solid friendship to achieve something greater... And I had said that if this didn't work out, we'd still be able to go back to that friendship. I'd nearly promised him that. Had I been wrong? Only a little. I could go back to that, I think... but I'd know what I was missing.

Sensing a momentary reprieve as Ami mulled over my words some more, I got out of my kneeling position behind the table and went to wipe down the shelf she had cleared off for me before getting distracted. Naturally, my opportunity didn't last long. "Hmmm. Okay. I guess that works." Phew. She wasn't done with me yet, though. "So why Duo?"

Ah, yes, there had been a second part to that original question, hadn't there? When had I volunteered for this position? I sighed quietly. What did we decide on at the end of our last conversation? "Love is friendship set on fire," I repeated slowly. Fire could warm. It could also burn.

"That's what you said last time," she pouted with a sour look.

I smiled faintly. "It hasn't changed since last time. It still burns, that's for certain..." My smile turned into something more like a grimace.

"They always say not to play with fire."

Looking over my shoulder at her, I saw her wrinkle her nose in distaste. She'd be a rebel, that one. Of course, Duo and I, bad influences that we were, didn't work hard at discouraging her. Maybe I agreed with the establishment just a little, though. "They're right. You shouldn't play with fire. Fire's a serious thing. It should be approached with maturity and a full understanding of its dangers."

Ami frowned again. "Ma-cher-ri-ty?"

"Maturity." I spelled it for her. "Like a grownup."

"Oh." She mouthed the word to herself, committing it to memory before puffing up as if she could prove her maturity to me with a poised stance. She didn't have to; she was plenty mature in my mind. How many other ten year olds looked forward to soaking in new vocabulary words? "So I can only-- no, I should only love someone if I'm... if I've got...?"

"If you're 'mature'? The adjectival form of 'maturity' is 'mature'."

"That. If I'm... ma-ture, right?"

I nodded absently as I started putting things back on the shelf, wondering whether it was a good idea or not for her to take everything I said to heart. I thought my advice was decent, but it was probably a fair ways off the beaten track. "I think it would work out better, anyway. I'm glad Duo and I..." I paused to discard the current state of our relationship from my analytical set. "I'm glad we are where we are in life, doing what we're doing. I think people rush headlong into things too often without thinking about the consequences -- without thinking about what might happen because of the things they do."

Duo liked to say I had that very same bad habit... I disagreed. I always thought before I did something, only I thought quickly, and most people probably wouldn't agree with why I decided to go ahead with things. I had my reasons, even if they didn't seem to be good ones to others. ...Though admittedly, Duo had gotten me into the habit of giving things a shot when I had no reasons not to, which was reason enough to me now. That had to have been the best birthday present I had ever given, and all thanks to Duo's input. I'd never take it back, no matter how bad things got.

"How old do I have to be to be mature, Heero-niichan?"

The weight of being her 'big brother' suddenly made itself known upon my shoulders. I attempted a fond smile in her direction. "You're already mature for your age. Don't be in such a hurry to finish it up. That's another thing about people these days. Always in a hurry."

The evasion washed over her surprisingly well. "But you get to the good stuff faster."

"But you don't know what you might miss. Duo and I, for example... We aren't in any hurry. We're enjoying the trip." Theoretically, anyway. "Taking the scenic route. The difference between driving somewhere and flying there. You don't get to see all the sights if you skip over it all. You can stop wherever you want if you see something you like, go exploring and take a lot of pictures before moving on.... I think it would have been an unmitigated disaster if we'd just jumped right to the end..."

"A what?"

I shook my head. I was just musing aloud at this point, curiously grateful for the audience, but also taking advantage of the fact that I knew she wouldn't comprehend what I was talking about. "It wouldn't have been very good at all. We'd have gotten there without understanding a thing..."

"When did you get mature?" she asked, reasserting her position in my soliloquy.

A lot of other things dropped down on my shoulders then. I repressed a tired sigh. "Too soon, Ami. Too soon." Ironic, wasn't it, that despite what I had just said to Ami, one of the things that I found so attractive about my relationship with Duo was that it could be such a light, fluffy thing. Not 'immature', but... young. I settled back down on the couch near her. "Look, maybe I'm not the best person to ask about these things."

She frowned. "But you're the only person who ever answers!"

"Then some of my answers may not be the best," I shrugged, leaning my head back to stare at the ceiling. "All I can do is answer from my own experience... which has been far from perfect, I'm sure. Then again... maybe relationships weren't meant to be perfect." I hoped so. I really did.

"What's so unperfect about yours? I think yours is the greatest." She declared it as boldly as if she were an authority on the matter. "You're both smart and nice and fun and mature and everything."

She was eager to play with her new vocabulary, wasn't she? "I... may have been wrong before. Maybe we are fighting... just a little."

"Hmph, told you so," she declared smugly. "About what?"

Her curiosity exceeded her tact. Hopefully, she would grow out of that. I answered her anyway. "Duo and I... had a disagreement. He thought one thing, I thought another... Things didn't quite work out right."

"So? Aren't you supposed to, like, kiss and make up or something?"

I smiled grimly at the unresponsive ceiling. "Maybe... maybe not. Some things aren't that simple."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... it's not as if one of us is wrong, and one of us is right. We just..." What did I do? Violate his trust? What? "We both made mistakes, and we've both apologized for those, but it doesn't change the fact that we don't agree on this thing. Sometimes... you make the wrong choice, and you can't take it back. Sometimes, there are only wrong choices. Sometimes, one man's wrong is another man's right." I reined my dreary thoughts in before I permanently scarred the child. A weak smile thrown her way would have to serve as a bandage. "But it'll blow over. We're still friends. Nothing for you to worry about."

She pondered my words carefully again before accepting it as gospel truth. In the hopes of not falling into such a depressing trap again, I threw myself back into cleaning.

But it wasn't a compulsive behavior, dammit.

OWARI

 

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