An Orphanage Series Side Story: Weakness
Despite everything that has happened in my life, I still feel like a coward.
I do not fear death or pain. I do not fear torture- it has happened to me before and I survived it with relatively few lasting scars, either physical or emotional. I don't even fear my nightmares, when the people I've killed come back to haunt me and I am defenceless against them.
So what does Chang Wufei fear, then? Like the coward that I am, I fear life. I, who have seen so many horrors and committed so many crimes, who, like a small girl child, sat with my books and studies while my wife took up the battle against OZ and the Alliance.
My wife- we were children still when we were married. It was the price of being a member of such an old, tradition-bound clan that my preferences were overlooked completely. Even then I was a coward- I did not fight it when I was joined with a girl, even though I preferred boys. I said nothing.
She died, of course. I suppose I respected her, as a strong spirit with a sense of dedication to be emulated. I have fought in her name, dedicating myself to honouring her memory, for she was the one to open my eyes. She was strong where I have always been weak. And I tried to tell myself that it was out of the love I should have felt for her, as my chosen wife.
Now that I have discovered the true meaning of love, I realise just how cowardly it was to do that. I never loved her, and I was fighting to appease my own sense of inadequacy. At first.
Then I met them. Four others, pilots like myself. I could not understand them, at first. Yuy- I respected him for the warrior that he is, but I did not bother to look deeper than the surface level, to notice the individual behind the mask, starving for affection and human emotion. Barton- another person who was easy to write off as a professional soldier, but who had so many fears and insecurities hidden behind his passive face. Winner- I completely underestimated him. He seemed so boyish and weak- I would never have thought him capable of surviving a war, nor of mastering the Zero system and his own fears. I did him a great disservice by not giving him the respect he deserved from the outset.
Maxwell.
The first time I met the American, I could not believe that one such as he had been chosen to be an elite soldier and pilot. With his long hair and smiles, his jokes, his laughter... he seemed to be the stereotypical idiot. Yet once again, appearances were deceiving.
I don't know when it happened, when I truly began to wonder what enabled him to survive, where so many others would have broken under the strain. But I began to watch him, analysing every move and every action as I might have analysed one of my books back before the War began.
It is strange to discover that you have misjudged a person completely, but so I did. I had thought that he was never serious- I learned that he was, in his own way, even more focused than Yuy. I had thought him to be stupid- I found that his mind was fast and, at times, even brilliant. I had thought him shallow- I discovered that a more perceptive, caring individual was not to be found on any Colony or on Earth.
Worst of all, I hadn't even bothered to learn something about him before I made these judgements, and the reason I did this was for self-protection. I was once again giving in to my own weakness and fighting the fact that I found him hypnotically attractive.
I missed my chance because I was so weak and stupid. That Maxwell and Yuy would fall for each other seemed predictable, though. They are quite alike, as much as both would fight the idea. And Duo was able to give Yuy what he needed, to help him throw off the scars of his training and embrace life as he never had before. As jealous as I was at first and still am every now and then, I could not miss that simple truth- they were made for one another.
It was for Duo that I first forced myself to act, though. I faced my fears on a lazy Saturday, as four of us sat in a safe house, nearly mad with boredom as we waited for a mission to come in. I asked him if he would speak with me, and I'll never forget the look on his face- he seemed shocked that I would actually want to spend time with him, much less in private.
I had to say it, though, even knowing, as I did, that he did not love me as I loved him. I said those awful words- I told him the truth, admitting to my obsession.
He smiled- it had made it easier to know that he would understand and would not ridicule, as some might have. His voice was soft and sad. "I know that was hard for you to say, Wufei. I won't dishonour you by lying- you know the truth, anyway. I love Heero. I love you, too, but not in the same way, and you deserve no less than real, complete love."
We talked for a long time. Growing up as he did made him very wise in the ways of life and relationships- I learned two important lessons that day- one, that love existed in many different forms. Two- that the past was over, and that my self-worth should be based on what I decide to do with my life, rather than on the mistakes I made when I was too young to truly understand the responsibility I was given.
He was right. I had been living in the past, my sense of honour holding me back from everything that I had the potential to be. That, and fear of making more mistakes.
Marimeia- another mistake to add to my list. I have already admitted to my cowardice, but that incident was by far the lowest moment of my existence, facing off with Yuy, knowing that my sense of justice wasn't the only reason I was fighting. Deep down in my heart, I knew that I was fighting him because he had won and I had lost. How many times would he have to kill that little girl over again... To me, the better question was how many more Duo Maxwells would be lost and destroyed by the monster that was life. I nearly killed Heero that day, and I belatedly realised that doing so would have killed the boy I was stilled obsessed with, though indirectly. I was going to have to give up the past in more ways than one- both my personal guilt and Duo. I don't know to this day which hurt more.
It was once again Duo who brought me back from the depression I sank into. He sought me out before I could flee from the cascading emotions of my loss of face and abrupt, headlong dive into reality. He never wasted words when he had something important to say, "If you run again, Chang Wufei, you will have lost to yourself. You aren't the first or the last person to make mistakes- we all have, and we all have to live with it and learn to deal with it. Let it go! Meiran and Treize are dead! They chose their lives, and you're letting them choose yours. Well, you shouldn't!"
He had never spoken so forcefully to me before, and I looked up into his eyes in shock- they snapped back at me. He claimed to be Death incarnate, and it was true that he had seen enough of death and pain to last three lifetimes, even before he became a pilot. Those intense eyes now bored into me and commanded my complete attention. "The decision you make will define what and who you are, Wufei. I suppose you have to decide whether you are alive, or whether you're dead, like them. Choose wisely." He turned and walked away.
Small moments like those can truly define a man's existence. If it wasn't for Duo Maxwell, I might well have disappeared again and slowly allowed myself to die, wallowing and exalting in pain and penance. I might even have considered taking Nataku into the skies one last time and departing from this life in a blaze of misbegotten glory.
I destroyed Nataku.
She had become a symbol to me- a symbol of everything about myself that was wrong. My weakness in allowing my wife to fight and die in a battle she should never have had to see, my refusal to accept Duo's choice of Yuy over myself and my weak attempt to rid myself of the Japanese boy, my final victory over Treize Kushrenada, my instinct to hide away from the world in general and life choices in particular. I had practically worshipped my suit, as the symbol of my purpose.
That had been yet another act of cowardice. The only symbol I needed for my purpose was my own heart, my own dreams and wishes, an entire world of possibilities that I had been too weak to reach for.
I made my choice- the suit was blown to pieces, but I remained. And that very day I made the decision to work for Sally Po and Lady Une as a Preventer.
The other agents disliked me. Why wouldn't they? I was many things they weren't, as well as several things they didn't want to be. There was no mission I wouldn't accept and complete, no challenge I would refuse, no other agent I could not outsmart and outshoot. I was finding my purpose again- I was finding it in myself. But I was going about it in the wrong way- I was allowing pride to take over where Nataku had left a hole.
And then I met my match.
Outside of my fellow pilots and comrades during the War, I had few friendships, and those based on competition, rather than camaraderie. As a former Gundam pilot, it was true that my skills were unequalled, but that was no excuse for the attitude I allowed myself to have, face of stone, crystal-clean-cut, no mistakes, perfect Preventer agent. I look back now and wonder at how anyone could stand me.
And then Zechs Marquise returned from Mars.
He and Noin had decided to head to the Red Planet, to try and works things out between them. No one was surprised when they returned a bare three months later- some things just aren't to be, and that was one of them. He had barely returned to the Earth Sphere when he was assigned as my new partner.
I wasn't accustomed to someone who could shoot as well as I, if not better. But Zechs was remarkable- his shooting at times rivalled even Duo's, and the braided boy had been the finest marksman I had ever met or worked with. He gave me competition. He made me want to perform at a higher level, just to prove that I was still the best.
Eventually, he made me work harder to show him, Zechs, that I was a worthy partner and not just an opponent.
Sally Po had joked with me since then that I must have a hair fetish, and she might be right. I fell for Zechs. Hard.
I couldn't help it, really. He was noble and strong, beautiful, smart, efficient... Most of all, I saw in him a great deal of what I could now see in myself- he harboured guilt and grief, much as I did, along with a sense of inadequacy that his failed relationship with Noin had done nothing to alleviate. The best part of it was that I knew how to help him.
It started slowly. I would go out of my way to make him smile or laugh. It was strange to find myself doing many of the same things that Duo had done, back during the War, to help the rest of us in dealing with the stress in our lives, even if I never pulled a practical joke, as he had been known for doing.
It was difficult for me. I was not, by nature, the sort of person who told jokes or laughed a lot. I was more the type of man who would opt to stay at home and read a book when everyone else went to a bar or, Heaven help me, a karaoke club! It wasn't that I couldn't do it- I have proven it to myself that I can- but rather that I was afraid, yet again, of letting down that barrier and allowing humour to take its place in my mind and person. I took it slowly not only for his sake, by for my own, so I wouldn't inadvertently frighten myself back into my cockpit existence.
Zechs would have taken the weight of the world onto his shoulders, if he could have. He blamed himself for many of the things that had gone wrong, before, during and after the War. I remember assignments that put us in a shared hotel room and waking up in the night to his whimpering as nightmares assailed him, faces of the dead, looming in shadows and asking him why he let it happen, why he had failed so wholeheartedly.
Some of those feelings will never disappear- we all still have them and suffer for them, and I think we always will.
In the end, I borrowed the very words that had changed my own life so completely. Sitting in a dusty caf?in Budapest, I finally told Zechs about my own insecurities and how close I had come to giving in to them. I told him about my attraction to Duo, my loss to Heero Yuy, my fall into disgrace in the Marimeia incident, and finally about that last discussion. "He told me something that I'll never forget, Zechs. Maxwell told me that I was losing to myself, and he told me to make a choice- if I wanted to live with the dead, or if I wanted to make a life of my own. It took me a while to really understand what he meant- I meditated over the words for two days before I came to my conclusion."
Ice blue eyes searched my face. "What did you decide?" he asked me softly.
I gave him a small smile. "I chose life, Zechs. I destroyed Nataku, and I chose to go on."
He was silent after that- I let him keep his silence, as I knew only too well what emotions were flying in his head. And I had helped him as much as I could- he had to come to his own decision from that point on.
A gentle hand on my shoulder woke me that night, and I blinked sleep from my eyes as I looked up into my partner's face. "What is it, Zechs?"
He sighed. "I've been thinking about what you told me, Wufei. I've come to a decision."
I felt my heart freezing up in my chest. What would he decide? What was his answer to this most terrible of questions? I could barely manage to breathe, but I asked back, "What have you decided?"
He sank down onto the bed next to me. "I want... I want to live. I want to know what it feels like to look forward. I want to let Treize die once and for all." His eyes met mine. "I want you."
Heat pulsed through me at his words, and I felt it rising in my face, so much so that I could have sworn I would begin to glow. My throat was suddenly dry, my voice raspy as I replied, "I want you, too."
Our first kiss was more precious than I can possibly hope to communicate. They say that the sharing of breath in this most intimate of ways is symbolic of the intermingling of souls. It was like that, only more, hotter, more beautiful, more perfect than anything that ever has been or ever will be.
I had thought myself in love with Duo once, but it is more as he said, when I admitted it to him. It was brotherly love, but this- this was the real, complete type he had spoken of. I was certain of it.
And it felt wonderful!
Zechs took my body for the first time that night. I had never made love before then, and I hadn't known what to expect, but as his kisses burned like teardrops of flame on my skin and soul, caresses and flesh passing over flesh igniting that part of me that had never been touched before... I cried out as his body thrust into mine, ecstasy so all-encompassing that it left my mind in shattered pieces as it passed claiming me and purging me in its intensity, purging us both. It was a moment of divinity and earth-shattering bliss. An epiphany.
I know what love is- I have seen its many faces and learned to appreciate them all for what and how individually special they are. A part of me will always love Duo, I think, but my heart belongs to Zechs Marquise and him alone. A part of me has learned to love Meiran for the great impact she had on who I have become. Yet another part of me has even learned to love Heero, now that I truly understand the nature of his relationship with Duo.
But Zechs- he is the source of my strength and the reason of my cowardice. My greatest fear is life- life without him in it. Living minus the closeness we share. It is very selfish of me to protect that which is so dear to me so carefully, but such is the form my weakness has taken, for I don't know how I would live if I didn't wake up in the morning to see his face next to mine on the pillow.
So I am still a coward- I am still as weak as anyone else. The difference is that I don't mind it in the least. My weakness makes me stronger in that it gives me a true purpose and a direction. It makes me human.
Zechs tells me that the greatest strength lies in recognising and accepting one's weaknesses. I have tried to do that- I have allowed myself to feel and to experience life without the bounds I had previously set for myself. I have allowed myself to love him unconditionally and without looking back. He deserves no less.
The past is over, anyway, and no one can predict what tomorrow will bring.
OWARI
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