Author: CleverYoungThief
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, shounen ai, yaoi, angst, break-up...
Pairing: 1x2
Archive: Gundam Wing Addiction
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Don't sue. College kids are like L2 kids; we got nothin'.
Author's Note: I changed like, five words in this song to make it fit perfectly. Sorry, Full Frontal!
// = lyrics
You Think You're a Man Part 1
// Turn around
stand up like a man and look me in the eye
Turn around
take one final look at what you've left behind //
Duo threw his arms around Heero's neck. He pressed his body against Heero's. "Say you love me, Heero. Please. Make love to me and say it."
Heero was silent. He didn't return the embrace; he was as tense as a board.
"Say it." Duo's violet eyes were wild, glittering. "I know you love me. I know it. So please... just say it."
"Why?"
"Because I need to hear it!"
Heero didn't reply, his cobalt eyes guarded and impenetrable.
Duo's eyes softened into sadness. "Why? Why can't you say it?"
Heero's arms slid around Duo's shoulders, and he looked into the braided pilot's eyes. But he still didn't say anything.
Duo reached up, and afterwards, he never knew how he was able to do it when he could have been beneath Heero, could have had Heero inside him in a few quick movements and a thrust, the way both of them wanted it, but somehow he reached up and shoved Heero's arms from around him, pushing Heero away with such force the Wing pilot tripped a little before regaining his footing.
Duo was resolved, angry, and grief-stricken. "Whatever you want from me, you could have had. You could have had it the day we met. Three weeks later, I asked you to take it. I wanted you to have it. All I want in return is for you to say those words to me. I know you feel them. So why the fuck can't you say it!?"
Heero gave him a long look before replying.
"Gomen nasai. I'm leaving." Heero started to turn around and walk out of the apartment.
"No!" Duo yelled at his back. "Turn around and face me!" Heero, recognizing the tone of authority in Duo's deep, rich voice, did as he was told, regarding the American. Duo's braid was coming undone, and his eyes were feral.
That was when he hit Heero.
It was a flat, almost unimportant sound. Duo expected to have Heero fly at him in a rage, would have expected that just from Heero's reflexes alone, but it didn't happen. The Japanese boy just stood there, looking at him in mild shock, but Duo had seen the initial twitch that would have been an attack on anyone else. Duo could see already where Heero's cheek was going to swell.
"You've had that coming for about a year," Duo whispered. His voice was slightly unsteady. "I always told myself that I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to get the shit beat out of me. I would have given you everything, and you just treat me like an obstacle. I know you love me, Heero, but you sure do have a hell of a way of showing it. You never acted like you gave a damn about me during the War. You stopped caring about other people the first time you killed someone. That was when you decided caring hurt too damned much and decided it would be safer to just live for yourself and your mission."
// And walk away
from the greatest lover you have ever known
Yes walk away
you're telling me that you can make it on your own
by yourself, all alone, without my help
Mister you just made a big mistake //
"It's my fault for letting you do it. For not wanting to confront you. For not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to damage whatever it was that I did have going with you. And during the War, I thought, Well, just a fuck in between missions to relieve the tension, to give us a release. We could both have what we wanted and it wouldn't hurt anyone but ourselves, and if I you didn't know you loved me, then maybe you didn't. But I've seen it. And I know I'm not wrong. I was wrong then, but I'm not wrong now."
// You think you're a man, but you're only a boy
you think you're a man, you are only a boy
You think you're a man, but you just couldn't see
you weren't man enough to say you loved me //
Gently, but with great force, Duo reached out and grabbed Heero's shoulders. "Now: I'm telling you this as your friend, not your lover or even the guy you fucked every once in a while back when we both needed a way to block everything out. If you need a place to stay, this can be it, buddy--same as it always was. If you ever need money, you can have it from me, same as you always could. And if you ever decide that you can love someone... you'll know where to find me."
// Shut the door
take a look around and tell me what you find
Shut the door
take a giant step for you and all mankind //
"But for now... it's too late."
// And don't come back
I always gave you so much more than you deserved
No don't come back
'cause no one makes a fool of me, you got some nerve
To walk away, to swallow the words you were gonna say
Mister you just made a big mistake //
"Goodbye, Duo." Heero was turning away. In that moment he was more than Heero, turning his back on Duo, maybe or maybe not forever fading into the shadows. He was Solo, dying in Duo's arms. And he was Duo himself, slipping out of a hundred different rooms, the braided L2 whore, an easy lay maybe, but always gone before the dawn. It was safer for everyone that way.
// You think you're a man, but you're only a boy
you think you're a man, you are only a boy
You think you're a man, but you just couldn't see
you weren't man enough to say you loved me //
"Heero?"
The Japanese pilot didn't turn around. He was a black shape distinguishable from other black shapes only when he crossed the busy street, slipping through the loud, standstill traffic. Then he disappeared entirely into the mottled pools of streetlight. Duo called his name one more time and Heero didn't answer. There was something terrifying in the way Heero had left him, the way he had just melted into the dark backdrop of the dangerous night streets of L2-2839.
// And don't come back
I always gave you so much more than you deserved
No don't come back
'cause no one makes a fool of me, you got some nerve
To walk away, to swallow the words you were gonna say
Mister you just made a big mistake //
Unknown to Duo, Heero walked away with his own name ringing in his ears, his head down, fists clenched, a tight, achy feeling just beneath his temples, like suppressed tears. His ghosts were with him now, and he knew at last how you pay off for being the Perfect Soldier, emotionless and uncaring: never clear about your feelings, never able to weigh love against vulnerability except by rule of thumb, never able to take off the mask...
Duo, however, was not the Perfect Soldier. And alone in his dark apartment, he had no reason to suppress his tears. The American pilot silently cried himself to sleep in a bed that suddenly seemed entirely too big for just one person.
TBC...
Back to CleverYoungThief's Fanfictions Page