Author: Zazu
Rating: PG
Warnings: Angst, Duo POV
Pairings: 1+2+1
Archive: Debs-Dragon - GW Diaries
Summary: This depicts the last moments when Duo sees Heero torn between him and Relena, and Duo takes the plunge.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, nor do I own the characters. I have borrowed them here for some fun and creativity, and this is not for profit. I do, however, own the plot mentioned here, and any instances that you may find similar to real life events are purely a coincidence.
Notes: MUCH thanks to ShenLong Deb for beta-ing. I'm so grateful!
The song "The Edge" is sung by an artist named Deep White. The song is sung in Mandarin, and the English interpretation/translation is entirely my own. This is the third of five fics in the Following Hearts Arc. Each one will feature a different song by Deep White, all from the only CD 'That Someone'.
/blah/ denotes song lyrics.
Following Hearts Arc Part 3
The Edge
Heero stood, looking out across the ocean, his hands tucked in the pockets of his jacket. I sat behind him, my arms loose around my knees, gazing out at the horizon. We were at the beach where we first met and I guess we were both lost in our thoughts about our first meeting.
/Quiet afternoon, so hard to come by
No arguments, no one said it should end./
Relena had been there. I'd used a flare to stop them both from seeing my Gundam, meanwhile, I'd gotten a good look at them both. She had been pretty in her blue dress, a young schoolgirl in over her head judging from the conversation I had overheard. And Heero, falling because I'd shot him. Then the tables had turned and I was the bad guy, even though I'd shot Heero a second time, to prevent him from getting the gun and shooting Relena.
Or perhaps to prevent him from shooting me.
Here, the setting sun sent brilliant colors across the sky and I watched, fascinated, as a crab walked by sideways before turning my attention to the elongated shadow of the man I love. The sun managed to outline even his unruly hair and I remembered just this morning, I had run my fingers through the soft strands, a few moments before he had woken.
/It's like we turned back to the beginning./
He had told me when he'd awoken that he wanted to go back to the beach where we'd met, so, here we were, one sitting, one standing in companionable silence. Or maybe, it was awkward silence. I quietly pull a small bottle from my pocket and fill it with the sand within his shadow, then rummage in my pocket for the cork and seal the bottle.
Our week-long vacation had ended a while ago and since then, Heero had kept up more frequent communication with both Relena and Wufei and occasionally, he'd slipped out to go 'take a look at things' for the both of them. Heero never lied, and I never bothered to question it. But those visits and the brooding mood that he'd returned with once or twice in those few visits only led me to believe that Heero was making his own decisions.
I'd decided to play the part of the ignorant and pretended that nothing was wrong; that I didn't see anything wrong. All I wanted was that I would have a bit more time before Heero left me and I left the Earth. That meant enjoying the nature around, enjoying meals at our favorite restaurant, and of course, enjoying being with Heero.
He still isn't speaking, but I already know what today is about. What more is there to say? I guess the strained silence about Relena began when Heero had received some mail in the middle of the night and I'd commented that the girl felt the world revolved around her and had no qualms about interrupting other people's sleep. Heero had snapped at me that it might have been important and told me not to be inconsiderate towards Relena, whom the world now technically did revolve around. There had been a moment as he sat down at the laptop and I'd stared at him. Heero had just snapped at me.
Then after he'd read the message, I saw his stance relax as if with relief and then he turned to me a moment later, his gaze soft. I'd cut him off as he opened his mouth and apologized that I had been inconsiderate and even though he looked like he had wanted to say more, we'd left it at that. I never did figure out what the message was about, but since Heero had sent no reply and simply returned to bed, I assumed it wasn't so much of an emergency after all.
Since then, the messages had become more frequent and more often than not with bad timing. More than once I'd made stupid retorts, and more than once, Heero had defended Relena. Perhaps, if after that first time we'd discussed what things were really going on, it wouldn't have led to this.
Perhaps, if I'd expressed my interest instead of disinterest towards Relena and whatever the issue at hand, things wouldn't be so strained between Heero and I. Or maybe, if Heero had insisted on letting me know, instead of letting me feign my indifference, then the issue wouldn't have become a touchy topic.
/Though we are quite clear
That the effort now cannot overcome
The mistakes that are upon us./
Once, as Heero had been about to make love to me and his presence was suddenly required elsewhere, I'd become bitter and told him to go ahead and go where he felt he was more needed. I admitted later on that I had placed him in a horrible position, but I guess loving someone makes you act irrational like that sometimes. I'd spent that night sleeping in the study with my head down on the desk, pretending as if I'd fallen asleep there instead of intending to sleep there. I had punished myself with the crick in the neck I received the following morning because when Heero had returned late at night, I'd pretended to be too tired and grumpy to move or be moved, and he had left me there.
That had marked the first time we'd slept apart since the war ended.
I try now not to think about the petty arguments of late and think back to when I'd first seen Heero. How proud I'd felt that I'd stopped them from seeing my Gundam and I remember the taunting grin that had been on my lips.
Heero turned and I smiled at him, making the motion of tugging my cap low over my face as I pointed an imaginary gun into the distance, letting him know I was thinking about the first time we'd met.
/A soft smile triggers the ache within hearts
Quiet serenity becomes happiness hard to come by/
He sat down beside me and his hand played absently with my braid. I let him. A part of me begged that he wouldn't let go, but I knew, very soon, he would.
/How much time do we still have
To stay here like this, loving each other
When the ending that hasn't come is already so clear?/
"Love you, Heero, you know?" I whispered, scooping up a handful of sand and letting it spill between my fingers. It wasn't that I wanted to make him feel bad, nor that I hoped that the words would make him stay. It was the truth, and it may perhaps be one of the last times I'd say this to him.
"Aa," he replied. His admissions of love were far and few, but he meant them each time he said them, and I'd long stopped expecting him to reply the same even if I said it.
The sun set quickly, and I suddenly realized that this would be the last real sunset I'd see in a long, long time. I leaned my head against Heero's shoulder for a moment and took a deep breath, smelling the salty air and Heero's scent and trying to memorize it.
Can't we just get it over with now?
/Quietly sitting until the darkness falls
Who knows how to say goodbye
When you and I shakily approach the edge?/
But still he doesn't speak, instead, he continues to play with my braid, even as the darkness comes closer, the sun having disappeared beyond the horizon now and what's left are the remaining rays of today's sun. The dark blanket of night is coming in from above.
/How much time do we still have
Just leaning against each other
When at last the words of separation ring loudly by the ear?/
I don't ever want to be at this beach again. If I'd let Heero kill Relena back then, maybe I wouldn't be losing him to her. But they say, one event can change many more in the future. Maybe if he'd killed her we wouldn't even have this, now.
No, I can't wish for that change in the past, not if it will tear the memories of Heero, of us, away from me. Even if I now feel the ache of emptiness in me, I would never have wanted anything else, even if it meant that maybe I wouldn't be feeling this now. No, I wouldn't want it to have happened any other way.
/How much longer can we gently smile
When tears have meandered to the edge that's now in sight?/
I closed my eyes.
"Duo?"
"Sh..." I clasped his hand over my braid. "Just until it becomes completely dark, okay Heero?"
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
/How much time do we still have
To stay here like this, loving each other
When the ending that hasn't come is already so clear?/
Perhaps Heero did love Relena from the beginning. I'm not saying he loves, or loved me any less. Only that between the two of us, now perhaps, he's realized that he loves both of us, but can only choose one. Neither Relena nor I would want to share, and Heero wouldn't want to share either. I know that despite the arguments of late, Heero doesn't love me any less. But if he doesn't go to Relena, he would never know if maybe he would end up loving Relena more than we love each other, or more than he loves me. Even if it meant he'd take my heart away with him, I would still ask him to go, because Heero is torn between the both of us and it would only be fair if he could take the chance and see for himself how things would turn out. Heero had spent all of his life training to become the Perfect Soldier. He can only learn from these choices he makes and I don't want this to be a regret for him, if he didn't leave me now.
Duo Maxwell, being kind, high and mighty and just letting the man he loved go to another lover. No, it's not because I want to play the part of the carefree guy, the one who wants to back out like a saint. It's not because Heero is greedy, for having that part of him that wants to go to Relena.
No. Loving is about letting go. How could I, or we, be selfish and stay together when perhaps he and Relena could be much happier together?
We don't want to let go, but I know we will. Not out of pity, or anything like that. Heck, I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. Heero feels that he loves both of us, and Relena, perhaps, loves Heero as much as I do. It's a hard decision for Heero to make and since I have memories with Heero and I feel like I can't stand watching him walk back and forth between us, caught in between, it would only work if I let go.
/Quietly sitting until the darkness falls
Who knows how to say goodbye
When you and I shakily approach the edge?/
The one bit inside me that feels betrayed is that Wufei had somehow had a hand in getting them together and the fact that Heero couldn't, didn't, figure this out himself. If I could turn back time, up to when the messages and calls became more frequent and just accepted the fact that deep down, Heero needed to go, then we would never have had any of those snapping arguments. Then all the memories would be good. Suddenly, I feel angry. Why the hell couldn't Heero have figured it out himself? Why can't he just be happy with me?
But what's the use of being angry? And who am I, really to ask him why he wasn't happy with me when I know Heero probably doesn't know either? Right now, both of our hearts are telling him to take the path and go to Relena. So be it.
/How much time do we still have
Just leaning against each other
When at last the words of separation ring loudly by the ear?/
The blanket of night has settled over us for a while now.
"Duo?" His voice is hesitant, and I don't want to look at him, but I do, slipping my smile into place. I've managed to keep the tears at bay and Heero knows that it's not because I don't care. Perhaps he doesn't know that he needs a shove in the direction, and the arguments of late, usually stemming from me, have served as that shove to put him into the caring, open arms of Relena. The one person other than I, who has kept Heero's peace for him.
/How much longer can we gently smile
When tears have meandered to the edge now in sight?/
I kissed him lightly. Then, as much as it hurts me to do so, I pull my braid from his hand and he let it go. Neither of us has to say that we are separating; the silent words ring loud enough in our ears. I hope, so badly, that Heero will be happy with Relena. I hope hard that this isn't a horrible decision for me not to fight for Heero to stay with me. After all, if Heero can't choose by himself to stay, then who am I to ask that of him? I remember that I'd wished for Relena to go away and that had been selfish of me.
I pull back from our kiss, my last taste of Heero, and afterwards I stare into his eyes for a moment, watching as he expressed that he both didn't, and did, want to leave. I shifted and our shoulders parted. A part of me screamed at him from deep within to grab me, to hold me, just a little longer, but it would do more harm than good right now. I don't want to be the one seeing him walk away and if I am selfish this one last time, then he will be the one who must hold my heart and watch the empty, physical bottle of my soul turn its back and walk from him.
From us.
I took the plunge off of the edge that marked the end of our path and I began to walk away, feeling the bottle of sand in my pocket as I brush my hands of the remaining grains. I can feel his eyes staring at me, the shift of his body and the sand telling me that he, too, is standing. Perhaps, he is memorizing the image of me now, one more thing to remember if he ever wants to think about us.
But turning around to look would be pointless now and I walk until eventually I know I'm far enough in a hidden, dark, place.
Finally, I let the silent tears come as I gaze up at the sky, the blurred vision caused by my tears marring the sight of the stars above me.
"Good bye, Heero." I whispered. "Be happy."
OWARI
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