Author: Zazu
Rating: PG
Warnings: Angst, Duo POV
Pairings: 1+2+1
Archive: Debs-Dragon - GW Diaries
Summary: Someone steps into Duo's life once again.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, nor do I own the characters. I have borrowed them here for some fun and creativity, and this is not for profit. I do, however, own the plot mentioned here, and any instances that you may find similar to real life events are purely a coincidence.
Notes: MUCH thanks to ShenLong Deb for beta-ing. I'm so grateful!
The song "Can We Still" is sung by an artist named Deep White. The song is sung in Mandarin, and the English interpretation/translation is entirely my own. This is the fifth of five fics in my Following Hearts Arc. This Arc is meant to depict Duo's point of view regarding his relationship with Heero, and the relationship progresses through the five fics. Each one will feature a different song by Deep White, all from the only CD 'That Someone'.
/blah/ denotes song lyrics.
Following Hearts Arc Part 5
Can We Still?
I let myself into the apartment, nudging the door closed as Q lifted his head from his pillow by the couch and barked his welcome.
"Hey Q," I greeted him as he stood and made his way quickly to me. I held out a hand to warn him to stay away, raising my eyebrow at him. "Not while I'm in my uniform, remember?" I hung the jacket up on the hook by the door and tossed my keys into the candy dish nearby. The weather was relatively warm, but the jacket was a requirement for the Preventers uniform in case of emergencies that required formal attire. I made my way to the bedroom to change. Q followed me in and sat, lifting up a paw and giving me his version of puppy eyes.
I studied him for a moment. "What is it, boy?" I pet him and he lowered the paw, licking my hand. "You want to go out for a run?"
As if he could really understand me, Q stood and barked, turning to face the door and giving a little bit of a prance on the spot.
"Okay then," I sighed, pulling a pair of tear-aways from the closet and grabbing a t-shirt. I made sure to grab a bottle of water too, which I strapped at my waist along with the pouch holding my cell phone and necessary ID tags. As a precaution, I remembered to grab a plastic bag in case Q decided to relieve himself at any point in our outing. Clipping the leash to Q's collar, I let him lead the way to the park and pick up the pace once we were on what I'd deemed our running trail.
Somehow, it felt really good to go for a run at this very moment. Q and I kept pace with each other and I smiled to see him looking around, alert, his tongue hanging out from his mouth. After a while, I tugged the leash lightly to signal a stop and Q obediently stopped. We walked the rest of the distance to the bench closest to the entrance of the park where I sat down and stretched my legs out, turning my face up to the last of the artificial daylight the colony offered for today.
It was then that I felt the prickle at the back of my neck; the one that told me I was being watched. But the feeling didn't seem to pose a threat. I looked down at Q, who was still standing, and reached for the water bottle as I glanced around.
My gaze flickered past a few children with another dog, a mother with a stroller and two elderly gentlemen debating with each other. When I turned the other way, lifting the bottle to my lips, I froze. Chocolate brown hair, intense cobalt gaze, a toned form just at the park entrance not too far from me. I tried to swallow and took a drink for a lack of anything else to do. Then I looked away, pouring the water into my left palm and offering it to Q, adding more water into my palm as he greedily lapped up the liquid. Then, Q growled slightly, indicating he was alert, but waiting for me to make the first move. I could feel Heero approaching me even if Q didn't offer me that warning.
"Duo," he said my name softly. I swallowed again and took another drink of water before I fixed a smile on my face and looked up at him.
Many times when I used to wish that Heero would come back, I'd wondered what kind of reaction I should give. Should I be angry? Indifferent? Cold? Yet, facing Heero now, I felt a sort of relief wash over me. At least he didn't look any worse for wear since I last saw him nine months ago. I found myself smiling genuinely, even though deep down I felt a little wary.
"Heero. You're looking well. What brings you here?" I petted Q on the head to let him know there was no threat as I slid along the bench away from Heero, giving him some space to sit. Heero took the silent invitation and sat down. "Have you got a mission here on L3?"
"No, I don't," he said. Perhaps he realized that I was feeling uncomfortable under his intense gaze for he shifted his eyes to Q. "I came here to talk to you."
"Oh," I said rather intelligently. "Well, um, you've found me. So, what's up?" I scratched Q's neck absently to keep myself busy; Q didn't seem to mind. I really should be looking at Heero and giving him my undivided attention, but I couldn't really do it. Heero's eyes were fixed onto me again.
"I came to tell you that I'm sorry."
He truly sounded sorry for whatever he was sorry for. Not that I really knew what he was apologizing for. I glanced at him and found myself at a loss as to what to do should Heero tell me now that he was sorry for leaving me. I felt that dull pain in my heart as my brain fully processed that thought.
/You regret it, you say you're sorry.
A heart that was dead feels a twinge and flutters again./
"Um, what for?" I asked.
Heero looked up at the curve of the colony. "I...left Relena a bit over five months ago."
It was getting a little hard to breathe. I took another swig of water from my bottle. "I'm sorry to hear that," I answered. A myriad of emotions trickled through me. I was confused as to what was happening and what could be happening, a little afraid about what was going on, and somehow feeling surprised and maybe even a tad happy to hear that last statement. Then I stomped down the feeling; it was a horrible thought.
Q barked and tugged on his leash. He was reminding me that it was time for dinner.
"Listen, Heero." I ran my fingers through my bangs. "I need to get home and feed Q his dinner-" I stood. "It's great to see you again, but maybe we can catch up next time? Let me know when you're around, or how long you will be staying and we'll um...arrange something. Yea." Q tugged eagerly on the leash.
"Please, Duo," Heero called my name softly. I stopped and backed up a couple of steps before sitting down once again. Q turned to me and nudged my knee.
/I thought I understood, thought I saw it through,
You called my name and I turned back yet again./
"I just want to talk for a bit. It won't take long," Heero said. "Please?"
"Yea," I replied. "No problem."
Heero was silent for a minute before he spoke. "I'm sorry, Duo, that I left you nine months ago."
"You didn't," I replied quietly. "I walked away from you on that beach."
He shook his head. "If I hadn't been...curious to see the other side of the fence, it wouldn't have come to that."
"Hindsight is 20/20 [1], Heero." I looked at him. "You deserved a chance to find your true happiness. You have nothing to apologize for." The dull pain within me seemed to be pulsing, reminding me it was there.
Heero shook his head and drew his hand through his hair. "I was already truly happy when I was with you, Duo."
"That's...good to hear, Heero."
"I...maybe we would have stayed happy if I hadn't been curious," Heero whispered. "I want to turn back time, Duo."
/I thought from then on, that you would be hers,
And now you tell me that you can be mine instead./
"Time doesn't move backwards, Heero," I replied softly. "Life only moves forward. If we had stayed together, maybe we would have stayed happy. Maybe we wouldn't have."
"I've thought it over the last few months and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry," he said. "You always thought about me first, Duo. I was so intent on searching for happiness for myself I completely neglected yours. You deserve to be happy just as anyone does."
"Making you happy was my happiness." The statement slipped out before I could stop it. Q had lay down at my feet, as if he were listening to the solemn conversation too.
"Yet I made you cry," Heero rest his hand on the bench between us. "Do you think you could give me a chance to be in your life again, Duo?"
/But I cannot forget, that you were once hers,
Our world is not the one from the past./
I thought for a moment before I replied quietly. "It'd be great to be friends again, Heero. Quatre's been nagging about a reunion and it'd be nice to sit together again, just the five of us."
The hand on the bench closed into a fist and was withdrawn to his lap. "I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm truly sorry, Duo. How could I walk up to you after nine months and just expect you to still be here waiting?"
Hearing these words, the dull ache inside me grew. The context of his words could be manipulative, but Heero's tone was genuinely distraught. I had to remind himself that Heero knew only what he'd experienced with Relena and I regarding relationships. But the thought of Relena made me question him.
"What happened with Relena? How is she?"
"She is well, I assume. I haven't seen her in over five months," he reminded me. "As to what happened...I couldn't stop thinking about you, Duo. With Relena, I was happy and I was at peace...but I wasn't complete. Not like I was with you."
"Every relationship is different, Heero. It was unfair for you to compare the two relationships."
"Relena was not happy either," Heero whispered. "She and I came to a mutual agreement to separate and for me to leave."
"I see."
"Duo...I..." Heero trailed off.
"You've been thinking that we can get back together?" I asked him quietly.
"Have you...been with anyone in these nine months?"
"I could be a jerk and tell you it's none of your business...but no, Heero. I haven't. The only relationship I've had is with Q here." I gestured slightly to the dog at my feet.
"I never knew you wanted a dog," Heero said. I shrugged slightly in answer. Heero seemed to be waiting for me to continue the conversation. In the past six months, the only time I'd ever touched the box containing memories of me and Heero was when I'd had to clean under the bed. I'd been trying to move on. I'd gone to one casual dinner with the bartender at the local bar and grill before I deemed myself unready to pursue a relationship just yet. Even now, I sometimes wondered if Heero and I would ever be able to get together again. But inside me, the ache was still there, creating a fear within me. I couldn't live with that ache and certainly not with it growing within me.
/But can we return to before, to find the happiness I sought,
Can we find our way to the paths of our love?/
"Duo..."
I looked up into his eyes. I could tell just from that gaze that Heero truly does still love me. I wondered what he was reading from my gaze.
"I wonder...if asking for a second chance would be too much?"
I took in a slow, deep breath.
/If you come back to me,
Can I go ahead and forget,
The pain you had once given me?/
"I don't know how to answer you right now." The words tumbled out before I had registered their existence in my brain. I panicked for a moment, then decided that the words were adequate in describing how I feel.
Heero's hand reached over and he hesitantly touched my hand. "That's understandable, Duo. I can wait for your answer, whatever it is, whatever it will be."
What I thought would feel foreign was actually very familiar as his fingers touched the back of my hand. I think I shivered just slightly.
"You're cold," Heero observed, taking my hand into his. His hand was warm. A little sweaty, but warm.
/Can I withstand the gentle brush of your fingers?
Can I feel the warmth within your arms?/
"I've just been jogging with Q. The great powers above are changing the day cycle into the night," I babbled. "I...Why don't you let me know where you are staying? Or why don't I meet you here again tomorrow, same time?" I asked. "We can continue this conversation without Q giving me puppy eyes to remind me his dinner is late and without me shivering. How does that sound?"
"That sounds great." Heero seemed a little relieved. With that, I jiggled the leash and stood. Q was on his feet immediately, tugging on the leash to lead me home.
"Goodnight, Duo." Heero's voice drifted to me as I walked away.
I lay in bed that night, wondering what in the hell I wanted. Do I still love Heero? Yes. Is that decision in any way influenced by the fact that I could tell that Heero still loved me? No.
How long though, until he decides that he could pursue something different? I don't think I could deal with that again; the depression, the insomnia, or the sleeping pills.
/If you come back to me,
The once betrayed soul within me...
Can it believe that you will not...make it cry again?/
That aside, what if we've both changed without knowing it? So what if I decide to give us another chance? What if being together again doesn't result in our being as happy as before? Like I had told Heero, even if we hadn't made the decision that he should try things out with Relena, we may not have been happy at this time either.
/But can we return to before, to find the happiness I sought,
Can we find our way to the paths of our love?/
Shaking my head, I rolled onto my side, curling up. The second point, I decided, is rather irrelevant. If either of us were to pursue any other relationships, the same problem could arise. There could never be a guarantee that things will be hunky-dory. This placed me back to the first problem; could I face Heero without constantly fearing that he would leave me? Without remembering the pain of walking away from him, wishing that he called out to stop me? Without remembering the first three months I'd lived without Heero?
/If you come back to me,
Can I go ahead and forget,
The pain you had once given me?/
My hand was tucked under my cheek and I raised it slightly. This was the hand that Heero had touched. The same, familiar feeling of being caressed by his hand had washed over me. When I closed my eyes, I could see his intense gaze locked onto me, trying to tell me that he really did still love me and always had.
/Can I withstand the gentle brush of your fingers?
Can I feel the warmth within your arms?/
It couldn't be all Heero's fault. I had never put up a fight with Heero about seeking greater happiness. Perhaps I should have. But that was the past, and like I'd told Heero earlier, hindsight is 20/20. I stood and got dressed; Heero hadn't told me where he was staying, but I was willing to bet Q that he was rooming at the local hotel close by.
It didn't take me long to reach the hotel and I walked up to the desk, flashing my Preventers badge at the receptionist. "My name is Duo Maxwell. I'm looking for someone named Heero Yuy."
"Hello Mr. Maxwell. We were requested to let you right up. Mr. Yuy is staying in room 0201."
I blinked for a moment before I thanked the woman and walked towards the stairs, mildly amused by the room number. Had it been a coincidence? Or was Heero still on soldier instincts where being closest to the ground was the safest?
I had barely touched the doorbell when the door was eased open. Heero didn't look like he had been asleep, even though it was three in the morning.
"Did you ever sleep with Relena? Not that it really matters but...stupid things come out of my mouth when I'm anxious." I could have slapped myself for starting the conversation like this. Again, hindsight is 20/20. I should remind myself of that before I do anything.
Heero shook his head and there was a hint of a twinkle of amusement in his eyes even though he looked dead serious. "Never, Duo. No one but you."
"And this room; was the number a coincidence?"
"I thought so too." Now, Heero looked a little anxious himself.
"I didn't come here at three in the morning to ask you either of these questions, Heero." I sighed and looked down at the ground. "I know that you still love me. You know that I still love you. I was afraid that perhaps you'd leave me one day to pursue more happiness again, and also afraid that we wouldn't be happy together now, like we were before. But then the second issue isn't in our control no matter who we wish to have a relationship with, and the first, I just thought that just like in the past, your being happy is my happiness." I took a breath. "I'm...willing to try again, provided that wherever we move to, you'll let Q come along."
Heero's hand tilted my head up by the chin so that I would meet his gaze. "I promise you, Duo Maxwell, your happiness is my happiness. I don't care if I could be happier elsewhere. I know I will definitely be happy with you and that is really, truly enough for me."
/If you come back to me,
The once betrayed soul within me...
Can it believe that you will not...make it cry again?/
I cupped his cheek with my hand and he leaned into my touch. The dull ache within me was barely noticeable as I smiled at him, then stepped into his arms. As the warmth of Heero's arms surrounded me and I listened to his heartbeat while he whispered to me that he loved me, the ache vanished completely.
"I love you too, Heero," I whispered. "I never stopped loving you."
OWARI
[1] Hindsight is 20/20 - in case anyone doesn't recognize this expression, describing sight with 20/20 means perfect vision. Basically, it means when you look back, you'll always say 'if only I'd done that, then things would be different/better/changed'.
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