Author: Sunhawk
Pairings: implied 1+2, 3x4, 5xR, and 6x9
Rating: PG
Warnings: Weird (hopefully) humor fic with various off-spring
Disclaimer: I do not own GW.
Joke
Well, that had been unexpected. Who would ever have thought that ex-Gundam pilots would turn out to be a bunch of practical jokers? Especially... that sort of joke. I'm not even sure it qualified, since honestly... I was failing to see the humor. Ex-Lax in the dessert? I mean... even if the prank had come off as planned, I really don't think I'd have seen the funny part. And I'm completely undecided if the stuff making me violently ill was a good thing or not. I mean... spending the rest of the weekend in the bathroom had its own unattractive factor, but I was still trying to decide if it balanced out against projectile vomiting in mixed company.
The stuff hits me in a matter of minutes, totally without warning. I guess I should just hope I never actually find myself in need of that sort of medication, or I could be in big trouble.
But wow. I was still kind of... shell-shocked. The guys... all the guys, had just deliberately fed me a substance that was designed to uh... having me visiting the bathroom with a great deal of frequency. A substance that, unbeknownst to them, I had no tolerance for. A substance that I promptly vomited up all over the floor of Quatre's posh dining room, when I hadn't been able to make it more than ten paces from the table. In front of about... oh... a dozen or so disgusted witnesses. Ultimately leaving me wandering the grounds in a befuddled daze and a wet shirt.
I can take a joke as well as the next guy... but I was still kind of struggling with the definition of 'joke' on this one. I was trying really hard to look at it objectively, but you know... I don't think I would have found it funny even if I hadn't been the one it had been pulled on.
Not to even mention that quip Trowa had made about 'pay back'. I... didn't get that part. I don't do practical jokes. Pay back for what?
So, I decided that my shirt... the one I'd had to rinse out in the bathroom sink... would probably dry faster in the open air, and was currently walking around Quatre's back yard. If you could call something the size of a football field a yard, back or otherwise.
The sounds of the kid's laughing and playing, lured me past the menagerie of animal shaped shrubs and into the 'play area'. Day-care centers and schools the world over envy the play areas of the Winner clan.
I found Noin sitting on a bench keeping watch over the entire brood; her two, Relena and Wufei's hellion, and the three Maguacnacs in training. I could never keep them straight and wasn't sure if they belonged to Abdul or Auda.
'How are you feeling, Duo?' Noin greeted me, patting the bench beside her, and giving me a wry little grin.
I rolled my eyes, but took the seat, actually kind of glad to be sitting. 'Let us just say... a bit sore and a lot embarrassed, and leave it at that, shall we?'
She chuckled lightly, her eyes more on the kids than me, though I got an appraising glance or two. 'You do still look a little green around the edges.'
'I feel a little green around the edges,' I sighed and leaned back, stretching my legs out and wishing I could lose the icky taste in my mouth. 'Sorry about the uh... display. That stuff just hits me like a ton of bricks.'
She grinned widely, obviously one of those that 'got' the humor that was escaping me. 'Well, you certainly gave the kids something to talk about. First thing they've all agreed on all day... 'Uncle Duo is gross'.'
I snorted, feeling the color wanting to rise to my face. 'S'what every cool uncle aspires to,' I mumbled and she laughed right out loud.
'Listen, Duo,' she said then, shaking her head at my 'grossness'. 'Would you mind watching the kids for just a few minutes? I really need a 'potty break' now that somebody isn't hogging the bathroom.'
'Watch it, Noin,' I growled. 'Or I'll say no, and leave you out here until your bladder ruptures.'
She grinned and patted my knee. 'My... the master joker gets cranky when he gets had, doesn't he?'
'Master what...?' I began, but she was already standing up, her attention on the kids. 'Zan, you guys mind Uncle Duo for a bit, I'll be right back!'
There was a distracted wave from the kid in question, and then Noin was gone, swallowed by the bush animals.
I sighed and turned my attention to the jungle gym, wondering just what game required half the kids to trot around flapping their arms like chickens.
My stomach gave me a plaintive little growl, complaining about losing the lovely lunch I'd just given it, and I shifted to ease the discomfort. I couldn't help wondering about what Noin had said. Master joker? What the hell was that all about? I'd never pulled anything remotely like a practical joke in my life. I don't like the darn things and have never seen the humor in them. I teased a lot, I suppose, and joked with people, but... surely the guys didn't see that as the same thing?
My sense of humor was just how I fit in, I guess. Something I'd learned during my early days with the sweepers... if you can make a person laugh, you're half way to being accepted. But... I didn't think I'd ever been mean-spirited about it.
The whole thing just left me wondering.
I hadn't been sitting there all that long, enough to see the chicken flapping game exchanged for something that involved the fallen apples under the tree near the playground and sticks, when Quatre showed up.
He stepped out from between two leafy green horses and gave me a look meant to convey that he'd been hunting for me. I gave him a small wave and he came to sit in the spot Noin had vacated.
'There you are,' he said, once he was settled, and there was oddly... a not very contrite look on his face.
'Here I are,' I quipped, giving him a raised eyebrow that just begged to be enlightened as to why he'd been looking for me.
'Are you... feeling better?' he asked cautiously, eyeing the front of my still quite damp shirt.
I snorted. 'Not up-chucking anymore,' I replied. 'So I guess you could say so.'
'We really didn't know the stuff would affect you like that,' he said, and I waited just a beat for the apology that should have come with that line, but didn't.
'Like the alternative was going to be better,' I dead-panned and the brat actually laughed out loud.
'Well, it would have been a lot funnier than what happened!'
I pulled my eyes away from the kids for a moment and stared at him. 'Funnier?'
He grinned widely and reached out to punch me in the shoulder. 'Oh, stop sulking! You're just pissed because we finally pulled something over on you for a change!'
'I'm not sulking,' I began, but his chuckle cut me off before I could get into the other part of his statement.
'What do you call hiding out here all by yourself?' he pressed, that shit-eating grin still in place.
'I'm watching the kids for Noin,' I informed him and glanced back to do just that, catching Zan's little sister as she planted her hands on her hips and said something to one of the three Maguacnaclets that looked like the start of an argument. 'And it looks like I need to be doing my job.'
I stood and started across the playground, leaving Quatre sit there, truth be told... just a little bit aggravated with his attitude.
I could see the kids arguing, the oldest... Basim or Bilal, I could never keep them straight; the letter theme just made me nuts... was holding something and offering it to Zan's sister Nona. She was looking singularly suspicious and shaking her head vehemently. The other three... Relana's Lian and the two remaining Maguacnac offspring were grinning madly and egging the two on. Zan was limiting himself to the grinning, not indulging in the egging.
'Ok, brats,' I demanded as I came up to the group. 'What horrors are you trying to perpetrate while your keeper is out of ear-shot?'
The thing that Basim had been holding out to Nona was suddenly chucked to the side and I got the patented little kid, wide-eyed, 'We ain't doin' nothin'' look. I snorted, eyes following the projectile that they'd attempted to hide. It was an apple of the well aged variety. I narrowed my eyes at Basim and inquired, 'And what would you have been doing with a rotten apple?'
'He told me to eat it!' Nona piped up and Basim looked like he wanted to strangle her on the spot.
'Oh, he did, huh?' I asked, giving the child a chance to hang himself.
'No way!' he blustered, because blustering is what you do when you're twelve and caught red handed. 'It wasn't rotten!'
I took the few steps needed to retrieve the apple in question and watched the kid turn red to the roots of his hair when I held it out to him. 'Then let's see you take a bite,' I smiled.
His eyes got wide enough that his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. 'That's gross!' he blurted, and his cohorts all turned on him, laughing at his predicament.
'If it's good enough for Nona...' I suggested, and he finally ducked his head and sighed.
'Ok... ok... it was dumb and we won't do it again,' he muttered, glaring at the mentioned 'we' who were still snickering behind their hands.
'See you don't,' I informed him. 'Or you'll be eating whatever your victim does. Now go find something else to play with besides rotten fruit.'
They took the out and scurried off, leaving Zan and Nona standing there with me. I tossed the apple back under the tree and turned just in time to see Nona haul off and kick her older brother in the shin before stalking off.
'Ow!' Zan whined, staring after her. 'What was that for?'
I chuckled. 'If you have to ask, you deserved the kick.'
'I didn't tell her to eat the dumb thing!' he objected, reaching down to rub his shin.
I sighed and wished Noin would come the hell back. 'But you didn't tell her not to.'
'What's that got to do with anything?' he grumbled, trying to decide if he wanted to glare at her or at me.
I sighed. Again. And waved vaguely toward the bench. 'My stomach hurts... let's at least go sit down. I suspect this is going to take a while.'
He gave me a funny look somewhere between crap, how do I get out of this, and something that wanted to be amused by my stomachache. But he followed me when I started across the yard. I noticed Basim and his minions had set up court next to the trio of leafy dolphins and were probably discussing what a bully I was. I suppose I could have cared less, but I would have had to work at it.
Zan made a detour on the way to our little talk when Trowa popped up brandishing the kid's jacket, calling something about 'Dad's orders'. He got a child sized eye-roll for his trouble.
Quatre had long vacated the bench and I settled on the cool concrete slab, rubbing absently at tender stomach muscles while I waited for Zan to finish whining at Trowa about having to put his jacket on. Words were exchanged and shoulders slumped when Trowa gestured in my direction. Trowa turned to leave when Zan finally began to trudge my way.
I spared a glance toward Nona while he plopped down beside me with a sigh designed to let me know he was far from happy with the situation. I felt for him. Really I did.
'So what part of you're the big brother, don't you get?' I opened, earning a sullen look that was meant to be a glare but didn't quite make it.
'I didn't do anything,' he groused, not quite wanting to let go of his innocence in the whole deal.
'Precisely,' I agreed. 'You did nothing at all.'
'So what's the problem?' he pushed and I had to wonder if he was being dense on purpose.
'The problem is that your sister counts on you to keep her safe... and you didn't,' I informed him and was pleased to see a hint of guilt flicker through his eyes. So the dumb-ass act was at least partially an act.
'It was just a joke,' he muttered, defensiveness creeping into his voice.
'Oh yeah,' I snorted. 'You want to tell me what would have been so funny about Nona biting into a rotten apple?'
I saw his gaze flick toward Basim, Lain, and the others and I'm sure he was wondering about the fairness of it all. 'Well...' he ventured. 'She would have made a really funny face...'
We both knew it was a pretty half-assed attempt, so I felt justified in the eye roll. 'Zan, that was just nasty; what if it had made her sick or something?'
He couldn't contain a snicker, though he had the decency to blush. 'Well... it was pretty funny when...' he began, but then caught himself. 'Uh... I mean...'
I raised an eyebrow and gave him a direct look. 'You have to know that wasn't nearly as amusing for the person throwing up all over the floor in front of all those people... right?'
'Well Uncle Trowa and Uncle Wufei were laughing pretty hard,' he dared, ducking his head, but not able to completely lose the little smirk.
'Well, there's no accounting for some people's humor,' I told him, a little flatly. 'You need to talk to your parents about the right and wrong of giving anybody a controlled substance in the name of a joke, but that's not the point right now... the point is you let your sister down.'
The smirk was gone, and the sullen look was back. 'I still don't think I did anything wrong,' he grumbled, looking at the ground and swinging his feet.
I sighed and resisted the urge to reach out and smack him in the back of the head. 'Zan... like it or not, she looks up to you, and counts on you to look out for her. She trusts you, and that's a very big deal. You broke that trust when you didn't warn her that what the boys were trying to get her to do was a bad idea.'
He frowned, looking uncomfortable. 'She's just being a big baby,' he complained, head sunk so far down between his shoulders, he looked like a turtle. 'She's just sulking.'
I had a moment, hearing that word again so soon, and resisted the urge to smile. 'Look again, Zan,' I told him, jerking my chin in his sister's direction. 'That's not sulking... that's hurting.'
That got his attention and he really looked at Nona for the first time. 'What?' he asked and sounded like he actually wanted to know what I meant.
'She's sitting over there crying, buddy,' I told him. 'She's hurt and confused and mad all at the same time. And I know it doesn't seem fair to you... but you're the one she's upset with the most.'
He looked up at me, his head coming up for all the world just like the turtle I'd thought he looked like. 'Huh?' he wanted to know, 'why me?'
I repressed a sigh and wondered if the kid was really that damn thick. 'Because she trusted you the most. She expects that kind of crap from the other guys... they're always picking on her. But she counts on you to be her big brother and take her side and stand up for her.'
'Why do I have to...' he started, and sounded down-right whiny.
'Because it's part of the job, kiddo,' I cut him off. 'Comes with being the oldest.'
'It's not fair,' he grumbled, eyes going back to the other boys, looking sullen again.
'Don't think I won't be talking to their parents about what they did,' I chuckled. 'They aren't going to get away with anything. But I'm not worried about them right now... it's you that needs to talk to Nona.'
That got me a dark look that was hiding a touch of don't wanna. 'Why do I have to? She'll get over it.'
'Actually, buddy,' I told him, losing the smile. 'She won't. Not for awhile. Trust is something that's... kinda delicate. It doesn't take much to mess it up. And it would be pretty sad for you to lose that.'
He looked at me funny, eyeing me with a calculating look. I could almost see the gears going around. 'What's it to you?' he asked, as close as he could seem to come to what was in his head.
I snorted, rubbing theatrically at my stomach. 'Let's just say that I have a certain appreciation for what she's feeling right now and leave it at that.'
He turned away, looking at the ground again. 'You're not sittin' out here cryin'.'
That caught me by surprise; the mere image of it and I laughed. 'Hardly. But I'm a bit older than Nona and a little bit... toughened up. Think about it for a minute buddy... the lot of you play together all the time. She's the youngest and the only girl. It's pretty darn hard for her to fit in.'
Dark eyes flicked in the direction of his cohorts and he mumbled, 'They don't want her around much.'
'And is that fair?' I asked him gently. 'It's hardly her fault she's a girl, and why should that matter anyway? Sure didn't make much difference in your Mom's case when she was training some of the most kick-butt pilots in the Federation. And as for being young... might be hard for you guys to remember that far back, but you were all that age once.'
'She just can't take a joke,' he complained, dropping a bit of the cocky-kid attitude and really seeming to talk to me for the first time. 'She lets them get to her.'
I chuckled ruefully. 'That's a hard one to get nailed down, kiddo. Takes people a while to learn to roll with the punches. She'll figure out that it's easier to fit in when she can laugh at their jokes. And when she gets to where she can make them laugh too... she's in.'
He looked at me funny. 'Is that why you joke so much?'
I couldn't help a grin of remembrance. 'I suppose it is. I had a lot of fitting in to do as a kid, and a lot of punches to roll with.'
His funny look turned kind of shrewd. 'Then how come you tease Uncle Trowa and Uncle Quatre so much about... you know...'
I snorted, and worked for a minute to come up with the term he couldn't. 'Being in a relationship? There's all kinds of different ways of teasing, buddy. That's how I let them know that I'm not uncomfortable with it. I'm sure you know... a lot of people don't think that sort of thing is... uh... acceptable. So when I tease them, it makes it obvious that it doesn't bother me, and kind of let's people around us know that I'll support them. You know what I mean?'
He nodded, but didn't look convinced. 'What about Uncle Wufei?'
I laughed and shook my head. 'Well, somebody has to do it!' I quipped, but he gave me a look that told me he was waiting for more, and I sighed. 'Your Uncle Wufei... has a bit of a temper,' I began, and he snorted and rolled his eyes. 'No duh, right? Well... sometimes he gets angry and he's sorry, but it's hard once you've said... certain things, to back down and be... not angry, you know what I mean?' The kid nodded, though I had to wonder, because it had seemed a pretty lame explanation to me. 'Well, if I tease him, and make a joke out of it, he can turn his temper toward me. He's not going to hurt my feelings like he might Relena's or Uncle Quatre's, so we can argue until he gets it turned around and it just sort of sounds like we're... teasing each other, you see?'
'Saving face,' he said and I looked at him sharply.
'Yeah,' I agreed, surprised that he got the concept. 'Exactly.'
But he wasn't done, 'And Uncle Heero?'
I had to smile at that one. 'Your Uncle Heero is... a special case. He's not always comfortable around a lot of people and it's a little hard for him to make conversation. When I tease with your Uncle Heero, it helps him relax. He starts bantering with me, and he sort of... forgets to be uptight. You know?'
He nodded sagely, thinking it over. 'He isn't as... friendly as you guys.'
That made me sigh. 'He is Zan, he really is. He just doesn't show it the same.'
He thought that one over for a minute, his gaze going first to his sister and then to the other guys as they gathered themselves to go back to the jungle gym. 'Different kinds of teasing,' he quoted and made me wonder what was going on in his head.
'Yeah, buddy,' I agreed. 'But it shouldn't ever be mean. A joke should be to make somebody comfortable, or just to make them laugh. It should never be to make them look bad, or make them hurt. That's not teasing... that's just cruel. And that's when the trust goes away.'
He looked at me quite directly then, those damn little kid eyes rather piercing. 'So... does that mean you don't trust Uncle Quatre and the others anymore?'
It surprised a little bark of a laugh out of me and I blinked at him. Well... there was a question. 'Well, I'm a little older than Nona,' I evaded, suddenly wondering just how we'd gotten so far left of the topic.
'But wasn't what they did kind of mean?' he asked, that clever tone of voice back, and I snorted, reaching out to poke him in the side of the head. I got a grin, but he just kept looking at me, waiting for an answer.
'Well,' I finally ventured. 'I'm sure it's going to be a long time before I feel inclined to eat with any of them again, but... I dunno... the trust we have goes a long way back. I guess it's a little bit more solid than that.' I frowned, thinking about it. 'I... hope.'
'But it was mean, all the same?' he persisted and I laughed.
'How did we end up talking about me?' I asked. 'Bet you're a holy terror in school, side-tracking your teachers. I thought we were talking about you and how you're going to go talk to your sister?'
His expression faded to one of disappointment at being put back on track, mixed with a bit of apprehension. 'But I don't know what to say!' he complained, voice gaining that annoying whine again.
'That's easy,' I smiled at him. 'You start with the basics; I'm sorry. It goes a long way when you really mean it.'
He blew out a breath, looked over at Nona and then back at me. 'Think she's done cryin' yet?'
I reached out and tousled his hair. 'I'm sure she is, kiddo. She wouldn't want the other guys to see her... that saving face thing again, you know?'
He nodded, giving his sister another look before taking a deep breath like he was going off to battle. 'Ok,' he muttered, and stood up. 'But what comes after that?'
'Nice try,' I grinned. 'But I'm not giving you a script. You'll figure it out.'
He rolled his eyes, jammed his hands in the pockets of that jacket it seemed too warm for, and turned to stalk across the yard. 'But if she kicks me again, I'm tellin' Mom.'
I laughed. 'You do that,' I muttered to myself. 'Assuming she ever bothers to come back.' And, I reflected, when she showed up we were going to have to have a talk about practical jokes and bad influences. Seemed to me that a handful of kids needed to have dos and don'ts spelled out for them.
I watched Zan approach Nona, and spared a look for the Fearsome Four to make sure they would keep their distance. I needn't have worried... Basim and his crew had already developed some sort of game that required half of them to put their shirts on wrong-side out and they were completely occupied.
And that's when I heard the crunch of a step on the gravel path and looked up to see Heero pushing his way past the giant shrub-bunny. I had to blink at the look on his face as he strode up to me, it was this bastard mix of upset and guilty and sad and something else. It was... stricken, is about as close as I can come.
He stopped in front of me, his hands working and his gaze going for a moment to Zan and Nona. 'I... I'm sorry,' he suddenly blurted and I just blinked at him some more. He looked... frustrated.
'Heero,' I had to ask. 'Are you all right?'
It was his turn to blink and his twisted up look of frustration just escalated. 'I'm just... sorry. I should have said something. I should have... warned you.'
I had this dawning sense of... what the hell? And I gestured at the bench next to me. 'Sit down, Heero,' I told him, letting the gears in my head mesh as his words started seriously making echoes in my head. He sat and I looked out across the yard. At Zan. In his jacket. Looking slightly too warm. At the other kids. None of whom were wearing jackets.
'You guys... bugged a little kid?' I had to ask, trying to replay the entire conversation in my head to remember what I'd said. I winced when I recalled something about Wufei's temper.
'Quatre...' he began, then hesitated. 'He said you seemed... mad. Trowa thought...' he trailed off, and I wondered if they thought I was so dense I wouldn't have figured it out, because he sure didn't act like he'd prepared an explanation for that part.
Out across the lawn, Noin finally reappeared, Zechs in tow and they were making straight for their kids. Wufei was stalking toward the jungle gym, Abdul right behind him and I imagined there were going to be a batch of fairly unhappy kids in a couple of minutes. I couldn't decide if I should feel foolish for not figuring out the jacket thing sooner, or just plain embarrassed over some of the things I remembered saying. Or mad, maybe, that I'd been eavesdropped on.
But then Heero kind of washed it all away, obviously struggling for something to say, when he blurted, 'Noin says you'd make a good Dad.'
I couldn't help it... I laughed, and Heero's frustrated look went a little hopeful. 'Oh, I totally don't think so,' I informed him. 'That little bit of interaction will last me for months.'
He was quiet for a minute while we watched Zan take Nona's hand to lead her back toward the house behind their parents. 'I just... don't want to lose your trust,' he finally said, voice soft and not looking at me.
'Didn't you hear the part where I said it was more solid than that,' I asked, not looking at him either.
'Yeah,' he agreed. 'But I heard that part about it being delicate first.'
I snorted. 'We're solid Heero. We've always been solid.'
There was a sound like a sigh, and I felt him begin to relax. 'That's... good.'
I glanced across at him and quirked a little grin. 'Not that I'm going to stop you if you... you know... should feel the need to make it up to me or something.'
He turned his head so I could see the raised eyebrow, and smiled. 'And how might I do that?'
'Well, it seems to me that somebody owes me a meal,' I ventured, thinking about that notion and giving my stomach a rueful pat. 'Though, not right this minute.'
He ducked his head, and I hoped it was to hide a guilty look, and not a smile. 'I thought you said it would be awhile before you'd want to eat with any of us again?'
I snorted. 'True. Neutral territory then.'
He gave me a look that kind of reminded me of one of Zan's sly glances. 'We could eat out, I suppose.'
'Someplace nice,' I mock warned, warming to the idea.
'Of course,' he nodded, and then looked at me more directly. 'You free Friday night?'
I blinked at the look in his eyes for a second, very sure that I was accepting more than just an apology dinner. 'Yeah,' I confirmed, and didn't care if I was or I wasn't; I would be by Friday.
He smiled then, a soft thing that seemed shy but really wasn't. 'I'll pick you up.'
I didn't find it odd, and he didn't seem to either, that there wasn't any thought of anybody else making it up to me. I rather liked the idea, actually.
OWARI
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