Author's Note: PLEASE, have patience with Duo in this chapter! He's being stubborn and trying to stay angry, but honestly, it's all a bluff...as you'll see by the end. And, since AmePiper told me not to wait to post this chapter...I guess I must obey. ;)
Duo's POV
The Wedding Planner Part 60
Decisions
After less than a month of living in the beach house, I knew it wasn't going to work. The place I'd saved for and dreamed of for so long was just an empty shell. Remember when I said how much that house and I had in common? It still held true.
I actually found myself reading the damned society page in the paper for the first two weeks after I moved in--looking for news about Relena and Heero--but all I ever saw was a small clip about how absent they'd been from the social world. "Off on a pre-wedding getaway..." was what one reporter suggested.
I quickly learned not to torture myself by scanning for more news. It really was a stupid waste of my time--not to mention an exercise in masochism.
Finally, when I found myself sobbing into my pillow one night, I recognized the symptoms of depression I hadn't felt since just after Alex died. And I knew I needed to make a serious change or I'd end up in another clinic, courtesy of Quatre Winner. I didn't want him to have to do that again.
It hurt like hell, but barely four weeks into my new home, I called a realtor and put it back on the market. I made the asking price low enough that I figured it would sell faster than it had before, because I didn't think I could stand to live there a moment longer than necessary.
Quatre called three days later.
I recognized his number on the caller i.d. and sighed as I answered. "Good morning, Mother Winner."
"Hey, Duo." His voice was warm and laced with concern. "I just wanted to check in. We haven't seen you at The Circus in a while."
"I haven't felt like going out," I shrugged.
"Trowa sends his best."
"Yeah--tell Mister Sex-on-Legs I miss ogling his ass, too."
That got a chuckle, and I could tell Quatre was relieved. "You sound--better?" he hinted.
"I'm--getting there," I sighed.
"I wish you'd come visit," he added wistfully.
"Maybe when I'm better company," I hedged.
"Look--Heero called from Japan and he wanted me to tell you when he gets back he won't come anywhere near The Circus, or Pop's Gym, or even Howard's place. He said those were your places and that he didn't want you to stay away from things you enjoyed because you thought you might run into him there."
Quatre got that all out in one breath, which was probably a good thing, since I'd have jumped in and told him to shut up if I could have gotten a word in edgewise.
But once he paused, it was my turn. "As I recall, Quatre, there's a restraining order keeping him at least fifty yards away from me at all times," I pointed out, conveniently forgetting he'd already defied it once. "That means if I went to The Circus, he'd have to stay out. The place is only so big."
"I know--but he wanted to assure me he'd do better than the protective order required...that he wouldn't repeat his previous infraction." He paused and cleared his throat. "I think he just wanted to find out how you were."
"That's none of his business!" I snapped out sharply. "And whatever you told him--"
"I didn't tell him anything!" Quatre snarled back, finally sounding a bit put out with me. There was a pause as he probably took a deep breath to get his temper in check. "I didn't even tell him you put the house up for sale."
Ah--I knew we'd get to that. In fact, I'd even prepared a short speech for the occasion. "Yeah, Quatre, I did. You know as well as I do that having it handed to me as a fucking consolation prize ruined it for me. I can't stay here knowing he only bought it to soothe his guilty conscience. I need to find my own place--one that isn't--" I stopped before I could blurt out "Heero's." But it did feel like the house was a link to Heero, and I couldn't have that and retain my sanity...not the way things were. I sighed in frustration, the rest of my speech fleeing my brain.
"Got any place in mind?" Quatre asked.
I was amazed that he didn't even try to talk me out of selling the beach house. But I knew my next words would absolutely kill him. "Uh, yeah, actually. I've been thinking--I--I need to--" Fuck, this was hard! "I'm going back to L2."
"What?!"
God, I knew he was gonna take it badly.
"Quatre--don't--don't panic on me, man. I'm not 'abandoning' you or anything. I'll call and write--and I'll make it back for your wedding. But I need to get away from--" From Heero...from seeing the color of his eyes every time I looked at the ocean...from remembering how it felt the first time he kissed me, with the sand under my feet and the water swirling around them... "I need to get away," I said faintly.
There was a long pause, and I could almost hear the wheels turning in his head. "How soon?" he asked simply.
"I booked a shuttle flight in two weeks," I admitted.
"But--the house will never sell that fast--"
"It's okay. I'll leave the realtor in charge of handling the sale. I have enough money to afford an apartment until then...and they're a lot less fussy about background checks for EMTs on L2. I might have a job lined up with an ambulance company there already."
"God, Duo. I'll miss you so much," Quatre moaned. "What about our Wednesdays? And our annual trip to the mountains? Visits to Solo and Alex's graves? Sailing? There's no sailing on L2!"
There's no a lot of things on L2.
"I know," I sighed. "But they really need people in the medical field--and it'd give me a chance to use some of that education I got." Mostly it would keep my mind occupied and off of Heero.
"You could use your education here," Quatre said firmly. "Just because you couldn't get back into EMT work doesn't mean there aren't other jobs. What about physical therapy? You studied that in school."
"Quatre--stop!" I said sharply. "I know what my options are. And I've made up my mind. If I stay here, I can almost guarantee you I'll end up drinking again. D'you think Solo or Alex would want that? I know you don't."
"No--but you can't just run away from your problems, Duo. Maybe if you just talked to Heero, you could--"
"I don't want to talk to him!" I snapped. "He's not the problem."
"Of course he is! You love him. You love him as much as you ever loved Solo or Alex--maybe even more. And he has a right to know that!"
"No, he doesn't!" I blurted, forgetting to try to deny Quatre's accusations. "He needs to forget about me and concentrate on his own fucked up relationship! I planned his goddamned wedding, and all he needs to do is go through with it!"
"You haven't read the paper lately, have you?" Quatre asked quietly.
"Why?" I asked suspiciously.
"The wedding's off," he said simply, with a trace of smugness in his tone I couldn't miss. There was a rustle of paper, and then he started reading from an article. "'Relena Peacecraft and Heero Yuy have issued a joint statement that their much-awaited nuptials are off. They cited irreconcilable differences, but maintained that their friendship is more solid than their romantic life ever was. Amid allegations that Miss Peacecraft has taken up with an old flame from prep school, and rumors that her former fiancé might actually be homosexual, there's been speculation that Relena Peacecraft's openly homosexual brother Milliardo has his eye on Heero Yuy...or even that there was some sort of love triangle that caused the break-up. Publicists for Miss Peacecraft will only state that she would like her personal life and Mister Yuy's to remain just that--personal.'"
I managed a wry laugh. "Mill and Heero? Yeah, that'd be the day." I shook my head. "No mention of the homewrecking wedding planner, eh?"
"Not a word," Quatre assured me. "I think Relena and Heero were careful to prevent that."
"I'll be sure to send them a thank-you note," I said snidely.
"And by the way, you didn't 'wreck' their home," Quatre added. "It was broken long before you entered the picture."
"Right--like Yuy wouldn't have gone through with it if I hadn't taught him how much fun it is to fuck a guy."
"Stop it, Duo!" Quatre growled. "Stop trying to cheapen what you and Heero had!"
"We had an affair, Quat. That's about as cheap as it gets--unless you hire a hooker. And while we're at it, considering the big pay-off, I guess that's exactly what I am--a whore."
"Damn it, Duo! Now you're just trying to make me mad!" Quatre accused.
"Is it working?"
"No! God, Duo--I love you! You're my best friend! And as much as hearing you beat on yourself hurts me--I can't get mad it you for it. I just--wish I could make it better."
"You can," I sighed. "Let me go. Just let me tuck my tail between my legs and run home to L2, where I belong."
"You don't belong there. You belong here--among friends."
"I can't stay here. It hurts too much."
"You haven't even tried. I just told you, Heero and Relena are through. He's decided to be open about his sexual orientation. Why don't you at least talk to him before you run away?"
"For starters, you said he's in Japan."
"Call him."
"The kind of talking we need to do can't be done over the phone, Quat." I was starting to feel trapped--almost panicky. "Look--I've made up my mind. End of subject. Now, unless you have something more upbeat to discuss, I've got packing to do."
He sighed deeply. "I won't argue with you any more," he conceded. "Just--make sure you tell me before you go--you've got to at least have a farewell dinner with Trowa and me. We could come help you pack and have a nice meal at the beach house before you go."
"That sounds nice."
"So, you'll tell me when--right?"
"I will."
"Promise."
"I promise."
He gave a satisfied sigh. "Okay, then. Go ahead and pack. I'll tell Trowa the news."
"Thanks, Quatre." I rubbed a hand across my eyes. "You know I love you too, right?"
"I know."
"Good. I'll call you later and we can make plans for that dinner, okay?"
"Sure."
"Give the hot bartender a big kiss for me, 'kay?"
He finally chuckled rather weakly. "Okay. Talk to you soon...bye."
I hung up the phone and breathed a sigh of relief, feeling sweat trickling down my face. That had to have been one of the hardest conversations I ever had.
~*~
Maybe that's what made me accept Wufei's invitation to have coffee with him a few days later. After the ordeal of telling Quatre I'd be leaving Earth, and him, behind, there was nothing Wufei could possibly want to discuss that would be as hard to deal with.
Or so I thought.
I looked up as Wufei slid into the seat across from me, giving him a wary once-over. "Hello, Chang."
"Maxwell."
Trowa walked over so casually it didn't appear that he rushed. "Can I get something for you?" he asked Wufei, his green eyes suspicious.
"It's okay, Tro'," I said quickly. "I told him he could meet me here."
"Coffee, please?" Wufei asked politely.
"Certainly."
Trowa walked off, and I fixed a steady look on the Asian man. "Listen, if Heero sent you to plead his case, you're wasting your--"
"Yuy doesn't know I'm here, or he'd probably never speak to me again," Wufei said quickly. "I'm here because I consider you a friend."
I eyed him skeptically. "You and I aren't exactly chummy, 'Fei."
"And yet you call me 'Fei," he sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically.
I couldn't help the smirk that escaped. "Sorry--it's a compulsion of mine. Quat...Tro'...'Fei..." The name "'Ro," very nearly followed, and I looked quickly down at the table, reaching for a packet of sugar for the coffee that was sitting in front of me already. "So, don't take it personally," I suggested. "I use a lot of nicknames."
"So, I don't rate as one of your friends, eh?" asked the dark-eyed man, glancing up and nodding thanks as Trowa set a coffee and cream in front of him before sauntering away again.
"You're an acquaintance," I shrugged.
"I see." He sighed deeply. "And I thought being a 'hot Asian guy' counted for something."
Come to think of it, he had been a good sport about my teasing. I supposed I could cut him some slack. "You're okay, Chang," I said with a bit more warmth. "I guess we could almost be friends..."
"...if I wasn't Heero's best friend?" he finished knowingly.
"It makes it--a bit uncomfortable," I admitted. "I mean, honestly, I have to wonder why you're here, if not to talk about him."
"Okay. So what if I am?" he asked bluntly.
"I don't really want to," I said quietly, picking up my cup with a less than steady hand and taking a sip of my coffee.
He nodded, but a frown creased his forehead. "Sometimes, Maxwell, it's necessary to talk about things in order to resolve them."
"It's resolved."
"I wish," he commented dryly.
I fell for the bait. "Why not?"
"Because he still loves you--and I suspect you still love him."
I snorted wryly. "What gave me away?" I asked with dripping sarcasm. "The fact that I won't talk to him? The fact that I'd like to kick the fucking shit out of him? Or the fact that he's a stupid, jealous, overreactive, paranoid asshole?"
He gave a short chuckle. "All of the above?" He leaned forward a little, fixing a very intense gaze on me. "Or maybe it's the heat I see in your eyes when you mention him, the fact that you want to ask me how he is so badly it's nearly killing you, or the absolute misery that's evident in the way you sit and talk and act."
I stiffened, looking away as I felt a blush creep up my cheeks. "You're imagining things."
"Am I?" He stirred his coffee thoughtfully. "So you don't want to hear that he went to a psychiatrist to get help with his anger management issues?"
"'Bout time," I muttered over the rim of my coffee mug.
"He took what happened very seriously, Duo," Wufei persisted, despite my attempts to tune him out. "It made him examine himself in a very negative way--and he didn't like what he saw."
"Good. He shouldn't." I looked up with a scowl. "I came from the streets of L2, Chang. I'm used to bullies, tough-guys and gangs. What I'm not used to, is having someone I trusted take a cheap shot at me because of a stupid misunderstanding."
"He knows how stupid he was, believe me," Wufei asserted. "Or I wouldn't even be speaking to him myself." He raised his chin rather haughtily. "I have standards, you know. I don't associate with people I can't respect."
I gave a short, skeptical laugh. "What about associating with me?" I quipped. "Out slumming today, are you?" I know it wasn't fair to take out my anger at Heero on his friend, but I couldn't separate them in my mind just yet.
"Are you suggesting you're not someone I hold respect for?" he asked coolly.
"Why would you?" I retorted. "I'm irreverent, informal, and gay, Chang--not exactly the kind of high society you and Yuy would normally gravitate towards."
"You're intelligent, charming, warm; and the man my best friend is desperately in love with," he said quietly.
I felt myself freeze at that, unable to meet the steady dark eyes. "You don't hit someone you love," I managed in a near-whisper.
"No," he conceded, his own voice a little weak. And then he drew a short, frustrated breath. "Haven't you ever made a mistake, Maxwell?"
An involuntary laugh escaped me at the complete irony of that question. "On the contrary, 'Fei. I've made a million."
"Yet you can't forgive him one."
I lifted a glare to his serene face. "It was a hell of a 'one'," I pointed out caustically.
"Yes. I don't dispute that," he conceded. "And I agree that he should feel awful about it--that he should suffer for it. But to condemn him to--"
"To what?" I demanded. "A life without my company? Trust me, he'll be fine," I insisted. "He was fine. When he brought me the fucking deed to the cottage, he was absolutely fine...talking about how badly he and Relena felt for what happened...how they decided to make me a nice little present of my dream house." I couldn't keep the bitter edge from my voice by this time. "Must be nice to be able to pay off anybody you've ever wronged. I was never able to do that."
"You think the beach house was a payoff?" Wufei asked with a raised eyebrow. "It wasn't. It was the only thing Heero knew that you desperately wanted but couldn't have. It was the only thing he could think to give you to show how badly he and Relena felt for all the anguish they caused."
"Well it didn't," I responded with a frown. "It made me feel like his whore, 'Fei. Like he could just throw money at me and it'd make up for him treating me like shit!"
Wufei gave me a long, horrified look. "Duo--that's so far from what he intended--"
"I'm sure it is," I conceded. "But it's still the message he sent." I scowled down at my coffee as if it were somehow at fault. "Tell Heero that beating me up wasn't his mistake. Believing I'd cheated on him was." I looked squarely at the onyx eyes. "I was absolutely fuckin' crazy in love with him, 'Fei. I turned down Milliardo Peacecraft twice, because he wasn't Heero Yuy...he didn't make my heart race, and my breath catch in my throat, and my knees go weak just by looking at me. And even when Heero showed up at that fucking engagement party and I knew he'd never get the balls to break it off with Relena, I still loved him. I told him if he was ever free to give me a call. I'd have waited forever for the sonofabitch...because I'm that stupid. But then he listened to some hysterical babbling from the pink princess and assumed I'd slept with her. Tell me what I ever did to make him think that, 'Fei."
He swallowed, his face somber. "Nothing," he said quietly. "You did nothing to make him think that, Duo. He did it all to himself. He convinced himself that you were so beautiful and so desirable that everyone and anyone would want you--and then he convinced himself that he couldn't compete with all those other people--that you'd have to decide there were better options out there. He couldn't believe you'd want him, when you could have anyone.." He shrugged slightly. "So of course he listened to his paranoia, instead of his heart, which would have told him you felt as strongly for him as he did for you."
"So you want me to believe that Heero fucking Yuy has an inferiority complex?" I asked sardonically.
"Where you're concerned...yes," Wufei replied. "You're the first man he ever desired, Duo. And that scared the shit out of him. It all scared the shit out of him--being overwhelmed with the knowledge that he wasn't straight--that he wanted the one person he could least have--that in order to have you, he'd have to risk everything he ever had, everything he ever believed, and everything he ever wanted. You think that didn't play havoc with a man like him?"
I rubbed a couple of fingers against the bridge of my nose, wishing that the things Wufei said didn't make so much sense. But I saw his point. I knew how hard it hit Heero to realize he was gay--how insecure he was--how lost. That's why I figured he'd never break up with Relena. It was just too terrifying a move to make, especially for a man whose life was as structured and orderly as Heero's.
"What do you want from me, 'Fei?" I asked in a whisper. "You want me to forgive him? He's forgiven. You want me to give him a second chance? He hasn't asked for one." I looked up at the Asian man, shaking my head. "You and I both know that he'd lose everything if he wanted to be with me. I don't think he'll ever be ready to make that choice."
"Now who's lacking in faith?" came the calm answer. Wufei finished his coffee, and set down some money on the table. "Would you at least get the restraining order dropped?" he asked quietly, finally getting to the point of the whole conversation.
What difference would it make? I'd already decided to go back to L2. Allowing Heero the freedom to stop avoiding every place he thought I might be seemed a reasonable request. "Sure, 'Fei," I said with a wry smile. "But only because you asked so nicely."
He snorted, shaking his head, and stood up. "I hope to see you again soon, Maxwell," he said with a small incline of his head. "You are excellent company, and I do consider you a friend."
"Yeah...right back atcha," I said with a wave of a hand. "See ya around, Chang."
He left, and I sat for awhile staring at my coffee and wondering if I was doing the right thing. Damn that man, anyway! Just when I'd made up my mind, he ran it in circles until my sense of direction was totally fucked. No wonder Heero kept him around--he was better than a fucking therapist at making you pick apart your motivations.
"Tro'? You got anything stronger than coffee?" I called out with a half-hearted grin.
"Yeah--espresso," he replied, smiling back at me from behind the bar.
I rolled my eyes. Quatre taught him well. "Fine then--make it a double," I quipped, getting up and heading for a stool closer to the green-eyed man. "If Quat won't let me drink, he can deal with me hyped-up on caffeine."
A vague look of alarm crossed Trowa's imperturbable face, but he merely shook his head, smirked, and went to get my dose of high-octane.
TBC...
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