Author: SkyLark
Pairings: 1x2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Swearing, angst and sap
Betaed by ShenLong Deb *hugs*
Side Story to Shinigami Yuy's 'A Choice' and 'True Friendship'.
Archive: Debs-Dragon - GW Diaries
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or its characters. I just love playing with them.
Without a Doubt
You know, when I had agreed to take hormone pills as part of my agreement to become Heero's lover and partner, I knew that there would be some changes in me. Some of those changes were easier to handle than others in the beginning.
My foot had been put down over anything too drastic, so I never grew tits. I mean a guy purposely choosing to be gay for his best friend's sake has to keep some sort of dignity for himself. Luckily, Heero was not so much of a boob man than that he care over that detail.
The hair on my face and body were gone. That was a bit of an adjustment in itself. Never before had I played with myself without having to be mindful of tugging on some curls down there. While strange at first, I did actually kind of like how smooth and clean my skin was, so it really was not all that hard to deal with.
But the one change that I occasionally get frustrated with is my emotional state from time to time. Now, I am not saying that I cry very easily now with these hormones, it's just that I tend to get emotional much easier than I ever had before.
A guy who has been through the shit and back that I have gets a pretty damn thick skin. That whole 'boys don't cry' really was ingrained in me before these pills, I did not need a whole hand's worth of fingers to count the times that I'd let out a few tears.
Just a few months into my chemical change, I noticed that I actually found it more and more difficult to keep my emotions from running away with me. While I never had a problem being 'in tune' with my feelings, I was used to having a better handle on them.
My being gay may have been a choice, but I really did always care deeply for Heero. That caring only grew tenfold when he actually took up my offer to become more than friends with me. Even through the times when we had the occasional argument, I knew that there really was no one else I was willing to spend the rest of my life with.
Now, under normal circumstances, I know that I would have been perfectly fine if those three little words were never spoken between us. I knew how I felt and I was pretty sure that Heero was happy with me- so that would have been all I needed.
However, thanks to those lovely purple pills taking effect, the lack of hearing those words was making me... anxious. Even worried. I mean, what if Heero really wasn't happy with our arrangement?
The first few times that we had become intimate, I still had hair on my body. And it was pretty easy for me to catch onto the fact that my partner was purposely only touching where my skin was still free of that. Once what I had left for hair was gone, then our physical relationship took on a whole new level.
Sex with another man never appealed to me prior to my choice, but I definitely can see the advantages of it. Ever since we both got the hang of things, I can say beyond question that this is the best sex I have ever had. It's exciting and intimate and almost spiritual at the same time.
But there was still that nagging feeling that maybe things were not going as well as I had hoped. There had to be some changes in me before Heero really became used to showing more affection towards me.
That all led me to the terrifying thought- what if it was easier for him to pretend I was someone else? Someone he thought that he would have been better off with?
It was a thought that was nagging me more and more as time went on and those words were still left unspoken... and I was having more and more trouble living with it.
I was doubting him. I was doubting me. I was doubting us. And it was killing me inside.
Finally, on the verge of snapping, that was something I could not keep bottled up any longer. On a night that Heero needed to stay at the office late, I was at our home cooking. During that time, those doubts were seeping in again. After having such a long run with them, I needed those doubts brought out and cleared before they ate me alive.
Heero has this innate ability to read me. Always did. I could tell he knew something was wrong when he came home. From the moment he gave me a quick kiss in his return, I sensed him tense just that slightest bit.
We got through dinner and even the dishes without discussing the issue at hand. The motions were run with our conversation focused around our days and what our plans for the weekend were. Side-by-side like every time before, we washed the dishes.
Then, as we headed for the living room, Heero suddenly turned to wrap me up in his arms while forcing me to face him. "No running, Duo," he told me quietly. "I know that something is going on. Tell me what's wrong?"
Glancing away, I could feel that faint sensation that was becoming more and more familiar. Tears were coming thanks to my overwhelming emotions, and they were coming fast. Ignoring that annoyance, I looked back up to my partner and heard myself ask, "When you're with me... do you ever pretend or wish you're with someone else?"
I swear that it was the first time that I saw anything remotely like hurt in his eyes. Quick to try and fix that pain, I tried to explain in a rush, "It's just now that I'm changing, you seem to like touching me and being with me more. I know that it's probably these damned hormones talking, but..."
"You are worried about that, or you wouldn't be asking," Heero finished for me with a sad smirk. Taking a deep breath, he reached to wipe away a damn tear that had slipped by without my even noticing it.
Shaking his head, my partner frowned, "I can understand where you may start questioning things. Of course, I do have physical preferences when it comes to what I like and do not like which the hormones have helped with."
With another deep breath, he reassured firmly, "But I have never once pretended to be with, or wanted to be with, anyone besides you. When we're together or when we're apart, you are all that I think about. No one has ever shown me the love or understanding that you have, through the sacrifices that you've made. So, how could I think of you as anyone but exactly who you are- the most important person in my life?"
Even if he did not have the sincerity in his voice the way he did, I would have believed every word Heero had said. Never once has he ever lied to me. But I could actually *feel* how true his words were when he said them. And the goddamned tears kept coming.
Resting our foreheads together, he whispered, "I adore you. And only you." Gently, he brushed his knuckles against my cheek and said, "You've never doubted me before. Please don't doubt me, or us, now." I bit back a small sob before leaning up to kiss him fiercely in response.
And I never had another doubt again.
OWARI
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