Author: SkyLark
Pairings: 1x2
Warnings: Swearing, angst, sap, Heero POV
Betaed by ShenLong Deb *huggles*
Archives: Debs-Dragon - GW Diaries
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or its characters. I just love playing with them.
Something To Hold Onto
2:57 a.m.
The Preventer's ship was due back hours before now.
After my brief look at the clock, my socked feet began their pacing across the carpeted floor once again. I knew that if Duo saw me like this right now I would never hear the end of it. I have never been one to fret over anything, really.
Especially not over things that are out of my control.
But then, I have changed quite a bit since the wars. It's something that I give the blame to my partner. Spending as much time as I do with Maxwell, he was bound to have some effect on me. No less of an effect than I have also had on him.
For myself, I am far more open than I have ever been. My motto of following emotions is actually advice I lead by now, rather than preach when I had not the slightest idea what my emotions really were. That alone was one of the most significant differences in my life.
In addition, I came to enjoy spending time with the other former Gundam pilots outside of work. Camaraderie in battle was one thing during the wars. Actually becoming friends was a foreign thing to me; and it certainly was not allowed as far as I was concerned.
Now, I actually find myself craving the familiarity of my friends' presence. While the word 'friend' is not something that I throw around often, I do consider them just that. Though, I must say that I am much closer to Duo than Trowa, Quatre or Wufei.
Where Duo stands, he has calmed a bit- thinking things through a bit more before acting rashly. Far unlike myself, he was once ruled by his emotions, making snap decisions based entirely on what he was feeling at the given time.
These days, there is quite a bit more logic in my partner's judgments- something that he blames on me. Duo has admitted, however, that his new way of thinking has saved him out on the field on several occasions.
If nothing else, I am glad that he has applied some of my example in such a way. The last thing that a person needs out on the field is to lose their head and make a poor decision that could get them, or anyone else for that matter, killed.
3:08 a.m.
With a sigh, I resume my pacing once more.
It is not often that Duo and I are sent on missions separately. This was just one of those rare occasions where too many people would bring about too much of a risk and I was the one that was told to stay behind on the coin flip. I never did like it when my partner was sent off without me. And not because I believe that he is incapable in any way of handling any situation... it just always makes me feel uneasy.
Much like this particular night.
Even if I cannot be on the same assignment as Maxwell all the time, I do have the rights to knowing most of the details involved. This mission involved a stakeout to obtain more information on a very notorious drug ring responsible for providing controlled substances throughout four colonies. Nothing that Duo could not handle, but not something that is settling well with me at the same time.
The team sent off was due back by ten this evening.
I should have received a call by then. Duo made it a point to reach me as soon as he touched back down at headquarters to let me know he was all right. Having grown accustomed to that, I was quite worried since the latest he has ever been in returning was no more than an hour past schedule.
The vidphone rang suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts. Running for the monitor, I flipped it open and punch the 'answer' button. Instead of seeing my partner's image appear on the screen, my stomach fell out when I found Sally staring back at me.
Oh God. What happened? My heart started to race and I could feel my mouth opening and closing. As my face cooled, I knew the color was draining from it. A million damned things ran through my head and I cannot clearly think on a single one of those thoughts.
Dark circles marring her eyes, Agent Water smirked tiredly, "Duo said that you would probably be up waiting for his call." Tilting her head, she asked, "Would it be too much trouble to come and pick him up from the medical ward here at headquarters? I'll fill you in as soon as you get here."
I never bothered answering her, or ending the call for that matter. The next thing that I knew, I was reaching for my car keys and shoving my shoes on. Only when I was behind the wheel did I clear my head enough to focus on getting to the office in one piece.
The drive is a short one from my place of residence, but it seemed to take me an eternity to finally arrive at headquarters.
Everything around me was more or less a blur as I navigated my way through the doors and corridors leading to the hanger and medical facilities. Once I walked through the entrance to the clinic, my panic only rose at the sight of several doctors removing their scrubs splattered with blood. The grim looks on their faces did not help at all either.
Sally emerged from one of the rooms, medical chart in hand wearing red-splashed scrubs. Looking up from what she was jotting down in her notes, she spotted me coming near. Instantly, her shoulders sagged and she sighed deeply in relief. Without a formal 'hello,' Agent Water took me by the arm and pulled me with her into one of the empty rooms nearby.
Quickly turning the light on and commanding the door to close behind us, she turned to me and frowned, "It's been a night." Still unable to find my voice, I just stood patiently until Sally took a deep breath and informed, "There was a snitch who led our 'friends' on Colony R8 right to Duo and his team. Two of our agents were killed in the shootout. A third is hanging by a thread. Duo and the others were lucky to have made it back alive."
For a second, I thought that my legs might give out from under me. Of course, as Preventers, Duo and I have been through our fair share of close calls. This was nothing like that. We had never lost any of our teammates out in the field before. Somehow, we always managed to come back with as many as we left with.
Physically, Duo may have been fine... but how he was holding up otherwise remained to be seen.
"Where is he?" I heard myself asking urgently. Nodding her head, Sally turned on her heels and led me back out to the hallway.
It was not long before I knew exactly where my partner was when his voice shouted from down the hall, "Goddamn it! I said I'm fine! If you poke me with another one of those needles, you're gonna be pulling it from your ass!"
A small snicker escaped Sally as she shook her head in amusement but refrained from any comment. Her pace, however, did pick up. There was a part of me that was relieved to hear that Duo was his still his boisterous self, but I also knew that side of him to be occasionally used as a defense mechanism when he was anything but 'fine.'
Staying right behind Agent Water, I stepped into the room. My eyes widened a bit at finding Duo sitting on the edge of the examination table in the center of the room. His shirt was removed to show a large packing of gauze and medical tape over his left torso. There was a small bandage just over his right eyebrow. Most striking of his injuries was his right arm. Bent so that it looked to try and wrap around his waist, it was secured in a thick cast.
Never in all of the time that I had known him had I ever seen Duo in a cast. It was such a foreign sight that I blinked a few times in surprise.
Violet eyes narrowed, he looked every bit the 'God of Death' that he called himself as he glared heatedly at the nurse and orderly moving in on him. Knowing the danger involved in provoking Duo when he was in such a heightened state of rage and frustration, I was quick to step in and cut them off so that he could see me clearly.
At just the sight of me, my partner instantly came back and his eyes cleared. Blinking in surprise, he gasped sharply and breathed, "'Ro."
In that look that he gave me, I could already see the emotions threatening to break him at any moment. Forcing a wry grin, he snorted, "You look like hell."
And I was certain that I did. Before leaving, I never bothered to do much as run a hand through my troublesome hair. My sweatpants and sweater were quite wrinkled since I had been lying in bed in them prior to my anxious pacing. On account of some late nights at the office to preoccupy myself, I already knew that the circles under my eyes were darkening.
The comment on my appearance was still nothing more than a cover to what was stirring just below Duo's surface. Smirking back, I played along and replied, "You're not about to win any beauty pageants yourself, pal." His face lit up for a moment, the appreciation clear in his smile.
Cautiously, Sally broke in as she approached the table. "Duo, I promise that this is the last shot you'll need and then we can send you home," she reassured. "It's just a precaution so that your bullet wounds don't become infected. I'll inject it myself, if that will help."
Hesitating only a moment, Duo finally sighed and nodded, "All right." More than happy to be able to hand their job to someone else, the nurse and orderly were away from the room the moment the needle was handed off.
Once the drug was administered, Sally was efficient in her cleanup and rubbed her hands together. "Okay," she announced, "You're free to head back home. Lady Une is still on her way here, so I will fill her in on everything that you've told me when she arrives. You need rest more than she needs any details on the mission, so she'll just have to wait for the whole story." That said, she went about filling out her paperwork.
"Thanks, Sal," my partner managed, his head lowered and his bangs covering his eyes. Spotting the torn and bloody shirt that used to be his, I winced at the perfect holes made in the fabric where the bullets had torn through.
Spotting a familiar duffle bag in the corner, I went through it and removed a simple, black button-up shirt. Not about to treat Duo as if he could not take care of himself, I handed it to him. A bit awkward at first, he managed to get his cast through his shirt sleeve on his own. When he was finished, I was rewarded with another one of those grateful smiles.
Finished with her work, Sally handed over a couple of small papers for pain medication and read Maxwell everything that he needed to do for the wound in his side. The cast was going to stay on for three months then be replaced with a soft cast for another four weeksbefore the arm was completely healed.
I had been watching Duo throughout the whole speech and he never gave any clue to what he was feeling by his expressions. However, when he learned of how long he would be without the use of his right arm, his left hand wrapped tightly around the end of his braid.
All of a sudden, I felt the bottom of my stomach fall out again. Few people knew the story behind that long rope of hair. I was one of those few. After a few beers one night after the wars, I learned the meaning behind every strand. Ever since then, I had become just as protective of it as Duo was.
He came on as a Preventer not long after I had signed, I came to learn of Lady Une's suggesting that he cut his hair short. Duo refused- making it perfectly clear that if the braid went so did he. I seconded the motion with my own threat to leave if his hair needed to be shortened. Needless to say it shocked the hell out of the two of them.
During the war, we Gundam pilots had too little to our names... very little that we could hold on to. Duo had his braid. And I was going to see to it that he kept it.
Now... with only one hand, caring for such a long mane was going to be nearly impossible.
Once more, the words left me before I even realized that I was speaking. "I'll move in with you," I announced. Both Duo and Sally looked to me with wide eyes. Clearing my throat, I shrugged, "At least until that cast's removed. If that side wound is going to have to be cleaned and gauzed for the next few weeks, you'll need an extra pair of hands."
There was that. However, Duo followed my gaze to the end of his braid still gripped in his hand. Slowly raising his head again, I could tell that he'd picked up on the main reason for my offer. For a split second, I thought that he was going to break down right there and then. Choking back, he nodded, "Okay."
Sally, thankfully, picked up on what was about to happen and allowed her patient a chance to deal with his breakdown in privacy. Gently squeezing his good shoulder, she whispered, "I'll take my leave now. I'll check on you in a few days." She shared a glance with me and gave a squeeze on my own arm before stepping outside.
With the door closing behind me, I watched as Duo's calm façade cracked away. Biting his lip, his eyes began to shimmer. I could actually see everything catching up with him in that instant. My feet were moving and my arms were opening before I even realized it. Suddenly, my partner was just clinging to me with his left arm and face buried in my shoulder as he sobbed.
It would take less fingers on one hand for me to list off all of the times I had even witnessed Duo breakdown like this. And I could recall even fewer times that I voluntarily embraced anyone before. Just... seeing him so vulnerable wracked me to the core.
The whole hugging thing was a bit awkward on account of that bulky cast between us, but it served its purpose. Gently rubbing my partner's back and disheveled braid, I whispered reassurances until he finally stilled. Pulling back so he could dry his face, I suggested quietly, "Let's get you home." Head lowered a bit out of embarrassment of his tears, he nodded and rose from the table.
Very little more was said the rest of that morning. I made I quick stop at my home to get some clothes and other necessities to tide me over for a week before I needed to make another trip. From there, we arrived at Duo's home and parted ways upstairs-myself moving for the guest room and he to his own.
Sleep did not come easily for me. And so I was sure as hell that it was not any better for my friend. Even when I did sleep, it was light enough that I could wake should I hear any signs of nightmares from the next room.
* * * * * *
The next day, Duo and I shared breakfast once I had cleared some time off work with Lady Une. As soon as we finished, I went about rinsing and setting the dishes away when I heard my partner announce from the table, I'm going to get this damn plastic bag over my cast and take a shower if that's all right."
Stepping into the adjoined dining room, I nodded, "That's fine. Just call when you're ready to have your hair brushed." He flashed me a small grin and rose from his seat.
Just before stepping through the door, Duo paused and glanced over his shoulder. When our eyes met, he said, "By the way... thanks, man." Motioning to his braid swinging behind him, he stated, "I was afraid that I was going to have to cut this thing."
"You would never have done that," I snorted in an attempt to lighten the air a bit. "I only offered because I knew you would have done more damage to yourself trying to clean and care for that mane with one arm." Chuckling, my fellow ex-pilot nodded and winked in appreciation before turning to head from the room.
A small smile tugged my own lips as I finished the clean up in the kitchen. Slowly but surely, the Duo I knew was coming back.
* * * * * *
Brushing and braiding that long hair was simple enough. Back during the wars, Duo had been injured badly enough that I had to handle the task for him on a couple of occasions. It was odd to me then how soothing the experience was. And this time was no different.
Throughout my handiwork, I could hear a few sighs and felt my friend's head lean back into the brushing from where he sat in front of me. For some time, no words were exchanged. When I was half-way up the length of the strands, Duo said quietly, "We never even saw the bastards coming. One minute we were listening in on the wire tap in the hotel that we were staked at and the next the door was kicked in and everything went to hell."
My hand paused for just a moment, but I quickly resumed the brushing. Lost in his memories, Duo went on to give every detail of the attack on his team. Once he got to the part of Miller and Ostby being riddled with bullets, he took a brief moment to clear his throat before continuing.
When he came to the conclusion of his story, I could hear a few sniffles as he reached up with his left hand-clearly to dry his face. Swallowing past the lump in my own throat, I wrapped the end of the braid that I had woven with a simple tie. Carefully turning my partner so he could face me, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
Like the first embrace I gave him, he melted up against me. While the whole experience was no less awkward than the first time with that cast between us, it was somehow just as pleasant as the first time as well. For just a moment, I thought of how close Duo had come to losing his own life and I had to suppress a shudder that threatened to shake me to the core.
To be honest, I don't know what I would do if anything every happened to him. I know I wouldn't be the person that I am today without Duo's help. The change was a difficult one at times, but it is one that I will be eternally grateful for.
Even more than that, ever since the end of the wars, he had become the one person in my life that I hold above all others. There's a sharp feeling of guilt in my being glad that it wasn't my partner that had been lost during the mission. In many ways, Duo's far more than a best friend to me... he truly is like another half of who I am. Perhaps that is not a normal way of thinking between two young men that are not involved, but that is the truth of our bond.
Pulling away after a long moment, Duo cleared his throat once more and looked up to meet my gaze. "Have you heard anything about the service arrangements?"
Slowly taking a deep breath, I nod. "Lady Une called during your shower. Both families would like a combined service so that they do not have to go through the process twice. The service and burial will be held in three days."
Biting his lip, he just nods and became quiet as his head lowered a bit. Simply following what my emotions told me, I run my fingers lightly through his long bangs. "Do you plan on attending?" I inquired.
"Yea," was Duo's automatic response. Raising his head to meet my gaze, he frowned, "No." Shaking his head and turning away, he sighed, "I don't know. Just... these funerals make it all too more real, you know? I don't... I don't know if I can go through that. They were good guys."
Gently rubbing his back, I replied quietly, "Whatever you decide, I'll stand behind. You don't have to take this on alone." His violet eyes looked up into mine, shimmering with fresh tears. Sniffling, he shifted in his sitting position to rest the side of his head in my lap.
Taken aback for only a heartbeat, I ran my hand over his head and braid. Nothing was said for a long time, but the silence was not an uncomfortable one. Finally, Duo whispered brokenly, "Thank you, Heero. I don't know where I'd be without you sometimes."
Smirking, I shrug, "What are partners for?" We stayed like that for a while longer before we pulled away to fall back into somewhat of a normal daily routine.
* * * * * *
Duo had been on the fence as to whether or not he would attend the service for Ostby and Miller. He waited until the last minute to decide to go. After his quick shower, I brushed and braided his hair for him just as before. Half-way through my work, I could feel the tension building in his shoulders. Such a thing was only to be expected.
Quickly changing into suits, we headed out for the cathedral in a companionable silence. Once we were at the stairs leading to the church, Duo paused for a moment. I could see the hesitation on his face and in his eyes as he stared up to the tall, wooden doors. Darkly clad mourners filtered around and past us, completely unseen by my partner.
Only when I was certain that no one was close enough to hear did I lean in close to him and whisper, "Are you all right?" He bit his bottom lip and nodded without looking over to me. Just as so many other times since his return from his mission, my stomach was in knots over how distraught he was.
An idea suddenly striking me, I reached over behind him to take hold of the end of his braid. I wrapped it around my wrist that was brushing against his side. Tying it there in a loose knot, I spotted the surprised look on his face. "You're not in this alone, remember. We can sit at the back if that will make it easier," I offered while slipping my hand in my coat pocket to make my bracelet of hair disappear.
Blinking his violet eyes, Duo took a deep breath and nodded. I waited for him to take the first step up and remained at his side the entire time.
Seated in the last pew, my best friend and I listened to the sermon for the deceased and Lady Une's tearful eulogy of her fallen. All the while, that braid remained wrapped around my wrist and in my coat pocket. By the end of the service, I began to question who needed that little reminder of not being alone more... Duo or myself.
When things progressed to the cemetery, we were the first to leave for the burial and the last to arrive at the gravesites. Saddened eyes of our colleagues followed and watched Duo wherever he went. No one noticed the end of his braid sticking out of my pocket.
A light, cold drizzle began as the caskets were lowered into the ground and the mass around began to dissipate. Discretely, I untied the hair around my wrist so that Maxwell could freely move about to offer the families his condolences. It was the first time all day that he cried.
Despite their own grief, the loved ones of both Ostby and Miller reassured Duo that he had done everything he could and thanked him for befriending them. Embraces were exchanged and tearful well-wishes were passed on. Lady Une, Sally, Wufei and the remainder of the Preventers all moved in to reunite with their braided 'brother'.
Little by little, the tension in his shoulders eased and he fell into conversation much more easily. Much to my relief, Lady Une explained that the remainder of the team had given their statements of what had transpired on R8 and decided against having Duo relive the hellish experience by sharing his own account.
Those that were on the doomed mission expressed their heart-felt gratitude to him, saying that he helped save the rest of them from all getting killed. I think that was more than he was able to handle. Duo was just on the verge of shattering then and there again when I stepped in to place a gentle hand on his back. Politely excusing the both of us, I gently led my partner back to the car.
Away from the eyes on him, the former Deathscythe pilot wiped his wet eyes and sighed deeply. Sagging in the passenger seat, he peered over to the gravesites and pleaded softly, "Can we go home?"
I instantly reached over to squeeze his shoulder, amazed at how all of a sudden I almost craved some kind of contact with him. With a quiet, "Yea," I pulled out of the lot.
Fully prepared for nightmares to be stirred on account of the day's events, my bed in the guest room was moved into Duo's bedroom at his request.
* * * * * *
Nearly two weeks later, Maxwell was sleeping without waking up screaming in the middle of the night. Finally well-rested, his restlessness kicked in and he was looking forward to some normalcy through work.
As much as I was looking forward to 'the daily grind,' I was happier for Duo that he was going to fall back into something familiar.
He was not able to get into his Preventer jacket. So he could only work in his uniform slacks and short-sleeved button down shirts.
Nearly the moment we entered headquarters together, Duo's mood improved that little bit more. Every agent we came in contact with had a handshake and a warm welcome back to offer him. He even lightly joked about his cast and how it made his 'personal time' challenging.
Stepping into our office, we went to our desks at either half of the room and settled down for the day ahead. Lady Une soon paid a visit with several folders that she left with my partner as part of his new assignment. It was enough to keep him occupied while going easy on the fact that he could only use one arm and hand.
Before either of us knew it, we had worked into our usual lunch time. Down in the cafeteria, Wufei and Sally were waiting patiently at our table. As we joined them, we all fell into a light banter on different topics.
Wufei tilted his head in the middle of our discussion, dark eyes glued on Duo's cast. Reaching into his jacked pocket, he pulled out a black marker and smirked, "I'm surprised you haven't had anyone sign that thing yet, Maxwell. Supposedly, it's tradition to have that done."
Snorting, Sally commented, "I'm surprised that you know about that at all, seeing how you and your friends never bothered with casts and set your own breaks back in place." Her boyfriend just rolled his eyes and refrained from a further remark.
His violet eyes widening and blinking, Duo gazed down to his plain, plaster casing. "I never thought about that," he stated. Looking over at me, he asked with a small smile, "Would you sign it first, 'Ro?"
The request took me aback for a moment before I smiled back. Pulling out a deep blue, felt pen from my own pocket, I spun in my chair towards the cast and simply wrote my first name in the middle of his forearm. Rising and wrapping around the table, Wufei moved in to write an inside joke along with his name along the upper arm. Sally etched a simple 'Get Well Soon' along the wrist with her name in purple.
All of a sudden, several agents that were seated around us were grinning and standing to get in line for their chance to sign the cast. And everyone that knew Duo was getting in line with their own pens and markers to leave their mark wherever there was room.
I couldn't help the smile on my face in watching my partner laughing and beaming at the outpouring of support and well-wishes that he was receiving. Even Lady Une got in to add her own sentiment and name.
By the time our lunch hour was finished, that cast was covered with multi-colored signatures and phrases. All through our return back to the office, Duo couldn't keep his bright eyes off of it.
* * * * * *
One rainy, Friday night two weeks later, an after-hour social was called by our fellow agents.
At the end of our work day, Duo, Wufei, Sally and myself filtered into the bar nearest to headquarters with a good number of our associates. Drinks were passed around and our large group filtered to the tables to order dinner.
By that evening, my partner was every bit his old self, laughing, verbally jabbing and constantly smiling in that mischievous way that would have a person worried. I could not tell you how good it was to have him back. And yet... there was a small part of me that realized that he no longer needed me for more than brushing and braiding his hair.
I couldn't tell you when it happened, but somewhere along the line I began to like having Duo depend on me. Maybe it's a selfish thing to say, but it made me feel validated in who I was and what I was doing with myself... more so than I had ever felt in my life.
Someone actually needed me. At least for a short while.
The night wears on and we part ways with our friends to head back home.
Home.
My mere thinking of Duo's house as home for me as well startled me for a moment. I had never even referred to my own place as anything more than my 'residence' or 'estate'. Never 'home'.
What did that imply? Had I become so accustomed to my new living arrangement that I thought of it as home? Or was it more than just the house that I considered home?
It certainly was a night of revelations.
Taking my autumn coat from the rack at the front of the bar, I drape it over my best friend to shield his cast from the continuous rain. Duo blinked in shock at the gesture. "And they say chivalry is dead," he smiled to me while I hold the door for him.
Silently, I'm grateful for the darkness outside. As warm as my cheeks are, I know that I must be blushing pretty brightly over that comment.
* * * * * *
It was only a matter of time before the nightmares caught up with me. I was actually surprised that they had taken so long, considering the emotional roller coaster I had been riding ever since Duo's return from his mission.
Within this particular dream, I was running through the streets of a city that was burning and exploding all around me. Overhead, the darkening sky was flooded with mobile suits that were firing endlessly on civilians, cars, buildings... anything that they could take aim on.
For as far as I could see, bodies littered the streets and dozens of bloodied survivors fled screaming. Instead of running away as they were, I was charging deeper into the thick of the fray. The deeper I went, the worse the scenes became. Nothing was taken in as more than a passing glance as I hurried to whatever destination it was that I needed to reach.
Just as I felt my heart threatening to pound out of my chest from my efforts, I found what I had been searching for. Lying on its side and motionless, Deathscythe's mechanical eyes stared at me. At the sight of the opened cockpit, my eyes widened with a sharp gasp. Paling, I stared at the still body crumpled in the street.
Draped over a slender, black-clad waist was a familiar dishevelled braid.
My feet were moving in an instant, rushing me close and kneeling beside the broken figure. Hands shaking, I gripped a shoulder and turned the body until the face was turned up.
Bruised, bleeding and covered with open cuts, Duo stared up lifelessly with wide violet eyes that had lost their light. I felt the scream building in my chest before I even heard it over the deafening explosions and screams that continued all around me.
Suddenly, the entire scene changed and I was kneeling alone in the medical ward of Preventer's headquarters. Dressed in my uniform, the only thing in my ears was the constant ticking of a clock. I blinked in surprise and confusion to the dimly lit corridors as footsteps echoed close. Quickly spinning towards the sound, I looked up as a sullen Sally neared.
Her light green scrubs were painted with blood and her eyes were red with tears. "Heero, I'm so sorry," she whispered brokenly. "I did everything I could when his team brought him back, but... Duo did not make it."
Only then did that insistent ticking stop. With it, I thought that my heart had stopped beating. Rising onto shaky legs, I stumbled past her and ran for the only closed off room in the hallway behind Sally. Her cries of my name were ignored as I threw the door open and froze at the sight before me.
The only light inside came from a single bulb hovering over a lone bed in the middle of the room. Covered up to the shoulders, Duo lay on his back with his eyes closed. Several cuts and bruises marred his peaceful face.
Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I slowly approached the table. Subconsciously, my hand automatically reached to wrap the braid that was hanging from the table around my wrist. Tears were clouding my vision, but I ignored the sting and gently brushed back the long bangs brushing against my partner's closed eyes.
When my hand started to pull back, it was suddenly gripped in a tight hold from a hand that snapped out from under the white sheet. Those violet eyes snapped open on me in a heated glare. "Why the hell was it me?" Duo growled deeply, the open sores on his face widening with every word he spoke. "I had a life. You never knew what it was like to live. It should have been you."
In that instant, I was sitting up in my bed with a loud cry. Gasping for breath, my wide eyes looked all around the darkness. From the bed on the other side of the room, I heard Duo's worried voice call, "'Ro?" Not waiting for an answer from me, he was on his feet and carefully approaching just as my vision was adjusting.
By the time he sits on the edge of my bed, a small sob breaks from me and I cling to him tightly- needing proof that he's all right. There's a sharp gasp in my ear as I bury my face in his shoulder. Slowly, I can feel his good arm wrapping around my back as he gently rocks me with a whispered, "Ssshh. It's all right, Heero. I'm here."
The whole scene was every bit like the ones that we made when I had been the one consoling him after a nightmare. It was both... odd, awkward and soothing at the same time to be on the receiving end of that comfort. A hand ran through my soaked hair and the quiet reassurances continued.
Realizing then how badly I was sweating, I knew that I could not have been that pleasant to hold on to between the smell and the stickiness, but Duo did anyway.
It was some time before I'd finally calmed and collected myself. My hands reached up to dry the tears that had run down my face when we pulled apart. Instead, my best friend's hand beat me and gently brushed away the wet traces. "Are you all right?" he asked in little more than a breath, searching my eyes to remind me that he was there for me.
"D-do you think I'm still some kind of machine?" I heard myself ask, my own voice sounding nothing like itself. Somehow, that was all it took for Duo to put the pieces of some of my nightmare together. His violet eyes widened and his jaw opened in surprise and realization.
Very slowly, he reached up to cup the side of my face with his hand. "Of course not," he replied.
"You're every bit as human as I am. And your life is every bit as valuable as mine." His frown turned into a smirk as he shrugged, "The only real difference between us in that case is that you just need to be reminded of that from time to time to believe it."
Biting my lip, I wrapped my arms back around him in a tight, appreciative embrace. The awkwardness of the cast between us was ignored by my need to just... hold onto Duo at that moment. He always was the only person who ever truly understood me. Those words from him meant more than anything that I had ever fought for.
Reluctantly, I pulled away just as Duo looked down at his cast with a frustrated look on his face. Shaking his head, he sighed sadly, "Man, I just wish that I could hug you right." He looked up to meet my eyes again and smiled, "I own you a good one when this dam thing comes off."
A smile spread on my own face as I nodded, "I'll hold you to that." His face lit up all the more at my response. Shifting and adjusting ourselves, we moved into the dry bed and went under the covers.
Somehow, it had become an unspoken agreement between us that we would share the same space after one or both of us had a nightmare. We would take one half of the bed, just close enough that the other person knew that we were there. It was enough to make the nights a little more peaceful for the two of us.
This time, however, I needed a little more than that. When Duo was lying on his back, I curled up as close as I could on his left side without disturbing the cast while being mindful of his still-healing side wound. There was a small gasp from him, but he quickly relaxed and wrapped his arm around me with a warm smile. Resting my head on his shoulder, I asked quietly, "Is this all right?"
"Yea," he answered just as softly. "Actually, it's kinda nice." My eyes were already drifting closed while my arm was draping itself over his chest. Just as I drifted off, I felt something gently press against my forehead. "G'night, 'Ro," Duo's voice whispered as my last tie to the world.
From that evening on, we climbed into the same bed at the start of the night.
* * * * * *
Sally smiled as she examined the nearly closed wound in my partner's side. "About another week and this will finally be healed completely," she diagnosed aloud while taping the hole closed again. "And we're nearly two months away from having that cast removed," she smiled.
With a deep sigh, Duo remarked, "Not soon enough. My arm itches so bad in there I'm considering just having it cut off all together," From my place seated in the corner of the examination room, I chuckled along Sally.
Agent Water winked to her patient, "That's perfectly normal." A few notes were jotted in her notepad before she turned to me with a fresh roll of packing material and new instructions for how to care for the wound.
Duo's spirits were high as we headed back to our office. What with his being a third of the wait away from finally having use of his arm again, I understood the reason for his mood. I was happy for him... but I couldn't help but not look forward to no longer being useful.
More and more, the thought of returning to my lonely estate was becoming something that I was dreading.
Little did I know that something Duo had been fearing was right around the corner.
No sooner had we reentered the office did my phone ring. Quickly crossing the room to answer, I pressed the speaker button and answered, "Agent Wing."
It was Lady Une's voice that replied simply, "Agent Wing, I need you to report to my office immediately." Short and simply put, her line disconnected. Eyes wide, I straightened rigidly at the sound of the dial tone.
A small, strangled sound from behind me had me spinning around to find my pale-faced partner. Clearly, he had come to the same conclusion I had... Lady Une only kept her calls that brief when she was about to send us on a mission. Of course, in this case, Duo was going to have to stay behind.
That moment, I was not sure who was more upset over the situation between the two of us. While my best friend was by no means invalid, there were certain things that he simply could no do properly with one hand. Once more, the focus went to that long braid as his good hand wrapped tightly around its end.
Instantly, my mind was racing with thoughts of the possibility of someone else possibly having to care for him while I was gone. There was no doubt that Wufei or Sally, or even Quatre and Trowa would shift their lives to stay with Duo and care for him.
But there were two serious problems in that option... One was that nothing bothered Maxwell more than appearing as weak or incapable of handling himself to many people. It was one thing when it was only me staying with him since I had become a constant presence.
The second issue was that hair. I was, surprisingly, very uncomfortable with the thought of someone else running their hands through those locks that I had become so attached to. As protective as Duo was of those tresses, I had also become that and then some.
His throat moved with the rough swallow that he forced down as our eyes met. Smiling reassuringly, I squeezed the hand wrapped around his braid and promised quietly, "Don't worry. I'll handle it." Those violet eyes blinked in surprise while I turned on my heels and headed from the room.
I was so lost in thought to how I was going to 'handle' the situation that I headed up to Lady Une's office on autopilot. The receptionist there grinned and nodded firmly in greeting while buzzing me in as I passed her. Stepping into the commander's room, the door slid closed behind me and she looked up from her chair behind her desk.
With a pleasant smile, Lady Une lowered the folder she had been looking through. Stretching an arm out to the seat before her, she offered, "Please have a seat, Heero. And thank you for coming here so quickly."
Slowly taking a deep breath, I prepared myself to do something that I never would have imagined doing. "I would much rather stand," I nodded. Clearing my throat, I stated, "Commander, whatever mission you are about to assign me on, I am afraid that I have to decline."
Her jaw dropping, the head of the Preventers sat still with her eyes widening. "I-I beg your pardon," she stammered. "You- Heero Yuy- are actually turning down a mission?"
Resolved in my decision, I straightened and answered, "Yes."
Folding her hands together, she leaned forwards and inquired, "May I ask why it is that you are refusing to carry out your duties as a Preventer, Agent Wing?"
"You know more than anyone that I am devoted to this organization and what we do," I began. Folding my hands behind my back, I concluded, "However, that is surpassed by my loyalty to my partner. He needs me right now and I cannot leave him behind. Duo would never do such a thing to me if I were in his shoes."
That look on Lady Une's face changed from shock and harnessed anger to one that I could only consider... amusement. A small smile tugging her lips, she question, "Is this only about that hair that the two of you seem so hell-bent to hang onto? If so, I am sure that there are others who could take care of that while you're gone."
Biting my lip, I replied honestly, "It is part of the reason, commander. But it is more than that. We're the only two people that really 'get each other,'" I hesitated and shrugged, "As Duo would put it. And he needs that now more than anything."
Her brown eyes blinked a few times and that smile only grew. There was a pause as she actually seemed to consider what I had said. To my shock and wonder, she smirked, "Very well, Agent Wing. The wellbeing of my agents does come first in my book. Clearly, you would not make this request if you did not find it necessary. I will see that you are not assigned to any missions until Agent Night is healed enough to be back in the field as well."
It took a great deal to stay upright after that declaration. For her to be so quick in allowing me to go against her commands because of her more overwhelming concern for her soldiers spoke wonders of her character. Not wanting to press my luck by staying there any longer should she suddenly change her mind, I bowed at the waist with a sincere, "Thank you, commander." That said, I turned and headed back out into the reception area. On my way out, I could hear lady Une chuckling quietly.
Duo was pacing back and forth by the time I returned to our office. As I entered, he paused in mid-step and looked at me with wide eyes. There were a dozen questions in that gaze of his and I grinned simply, "Don't worry. I won't be sent on any missions until you're able to go on them, yourself."
His jaw falling in a wide gape, my partner breathed, "Y-you actually turned down a mission... for me?"
Shrugging, I answered, "You would do the same for me if I was in your shoes." The words were hardly out of my mouth before I was taken in by a fierce hug. Despite the slight pinch in my chest from the cast, I grinned and patted my friend's back. My fingers smoothed over the long braid in the process.
"Thank you," Duo whispered in my ear. Pulling back, he snickered and fought off the small tears in his eyes. "How did the 'ol commander take your showing up to decline her order?" I am sure that there was still a bit of wonder on my face over the whole thing as I said, "Better than I would have ever expected." Raising an eyebrow, I smirked, "So. Thinking of putting her back on your Christmas card list?"
He chuckled, "Hell, she'll be getting flowers and the works for her birthday, too!"
When that said birthday did come around two weeks later, Lady Une arrived at our office with a bright smile and a tight embrace for Duo in appreciation for the flowers and candies that filled her own room. She said that she did not even need to read the card to know who sent them.
* * * * * *
Like so many other times over the past weeks, I knelt before the tub washing Duo's hair one a day well into two months of his self-proclaimed torture. Fully clothed and sitting beside me on the floor, he leaned his head back against the porcelain ring with a far-off look as he stared at the ceiling while rubbing his healed side.
I just began adding the conditioner to his soaked mane when he asked out of the blue, "Are you only here because of my hair?" My head snapped in his direction with what I am sure was a confused look on my face. Adjusting himself so he could peer up at me more easily, Duo questioned, "I mean... what happens when my arm is healed and I can take care of myself again? You just go back to your home and life goes back the way it was?"
Blinking in surprise at the inquiry, I paused in my work and shrugged, "That was the impression I was under. Why do you ask that?" Silently, I wondered why it was my heart was racing and my breath was held in waiting for his answer.
Slowly looking away from me, my partner put on a smile that I knew was forced and chuckled, "Just wondering things out loud." And just that quickly, he changed the subject with a commented, "That lavender stuff you picked up smells nice."
Running and hiding from whatever it was that was bothering him. That was the way Duo worked. I understood his tactics enough to understand that something was clearly on his mind. His remark about 'wondering out loud' may have been true, since he never lied. But there was an obvious omission to what else was going on.
Instead of broaching the original subject further, I went along with the subject change as to not make him uncomfortable and retreat from me further. "They were out of the apple shampoo and conditioner, so I thought this might be a nice change," I state while my hands return to massage his long hair again.
We fall into a comfortable silence again before my efforts are finished. As Duo sits up, I twist wrap the sopping locks up in a long towel. Together, we head into our shared bed where a brush is already waiting. Towel drying the hair as much as I can, I begin to brush from tip to root as usual.
There is something calming about this whole process. In the end, I don't know who enjoys this brushing and braiding more out of the two of us. My thoughts always wander in an almost meditative way. It's one of the rare times I'm actually at peace with the world.
On this occasion, I silently wonder of the memories tied in with every strand that Duo's held on to for all of these years. Clearly, there was some happiness in his life at some point that he would want to remember his past.
The brush was closing in on the nape of my partner's neck when I heard myself admit quietly, "I envy you." Instantly, my hand froze and the shoulders before me stiffened. Cursing myself silently, I watched as Duo slowly turned his head to glance over his shoulder. In little more than a whisper, he asked, "Why do you envy me?"
Seeing no point in avoiding the question, I lowered the brush to my side and wrapped my fingers around the loose hair pooling around me. My head turned away a bit as I sighed, "You have something tangible to link you to your past. I-" Shaking my head, I hesitated before looking back to my friend and said softly, "I've never had anything in my life worth hanging on to."
His eyes widening, Duo slowly turned himself so that he was facing me completely. And in that instant, I froze at the sight before me. For as many times as I had seen him with his hair down, this was the first time I really looked at him this way. Those long, wavy strands framed his entire body like a silken waterfall.
While a part of me did not want him to dwell on the more difficult times in his life through his telling, the more overwhelming part of me yearned to know everything that there was to know about Duo and what made him the person that I knew.
Patiently, I sat and listened to the story of his childhood. I learned about Solo and the rest of his street band of brothers and sisters. The L2 plague was something that I had heard and read about over the course of my training, but to hear an eyewitness account of the horror through Duo's eyes was chilling.
Finally, I learned of the place that he adopted his last name- the Maxwell Church. Hearing of Father Maxwell, Sister Helen and the children that lived in there, I was told of the more pleasant experiences of my partner's upbringing. At first, I failed to make the connection between the church and the massacre that I also had come to know until Duo shared his incident with a stolen mobile suit.
Learning how he, still just a child, searched through the burning rubble of his only real home for the only family that he had shook me to the core. I reached across on a few occasions to dry a few tears that were running down his face and swallowed past a lump that had formed in my own throat.
At last came the part where Professor G came into Duo's life to teach and mold him into the pilot of Deathscythe as how I first knew him.
Mentally reeling over the newly found pieces that made up my best friend, I silently marveled over him. I had always known Maxwell to be strong- resilient under any circumstance. But I never knew the full extent of that strength.
Despite the pain and loss in his life, he was still able to smile and laugh... really appreciate life. Just when I had thought he had taught me so much about myself and how I dealt with things, there was so much that I had yet to learn.
Inching my self close and closing the distance between us, I wrapped my arms around Duo tightly. He sniffled and wound his shaky left arm around me. With a sigh, he glared down at his cast and snickered weakly, "This goddamn thing." I chuckled deeply while pulling back to brush the bangs falling over his eyes.
"Thank you," I whispered when I thought that he was up to hearing the words.
A small smile finally lit his face again. Chewing on his bottom lip, he glanced down at the hair spread around him and said, "I think I'll just leave it down the rest of the night." The idea certainly did not offend me in the least.
I brushed the last of the knots out and was treated to the sight of my best friend with his hair down in all its glory and a blanket of hair at night that smelled of a lavender field.
* * * * * *
Over the course of the next few days, my confusing feelings and urges towards Duo continued to grow. More and more, I was looking for ways to be in his presence. I kept hoping that I would get to see him with his hair down for a while again. Then, I suddenly noticed that whenever he was close I was actually tempted to kiss him.
It was all just so new and foreign to me that I did not know what was happening. In fact, it was so out of the ordinary that it was beginning to frighten me.
During another social night at our teams' favorite bar, I was seated with Wufei at a table watching Duo and two other agents playing darts across the main room. Each of his dart tips, made of Gundanium from Deathscythe, were stuck into his cast so he could have free use of his left arm to sip on his drink before his turn came around again.
Wufei snickered and shook his head, "He's lucky that Sally's working late. She would be giving him the riot act over his creative uses for that cast of his." I just grin and nod before turning my head to watch Maxwell move up to the line and take careful aim for his first shot.
My eyes wandered up and down the whole of his body as he stood there. At certain... physical aspects, I finally caught my gaze lingering. Finally, I returned to my drink so that I could dampen my dry mouth. Wufei was still watching the game intently, thankfully. I knew that my cheeks were burning over catching myself checking out my best friend.
Clearing my throat after a long sip from my drink, I ran a finger over the glass rim. As Chang turned back to face me, I asked as quietly as I could over the crowd laughing and talking around us, "How do you know when you're... attracted to someone?"
Raising an eyebrow over his widening eyes, he blinked. I swallowed roughly during the awkward pause that followed. A smile slowly crept on his face as he folded his hands on the table and leaned towards me. "Cliché as it sounds, you just know," he answered. "But honestly, if you're asking that question, I think you know the answer if you're attracted to someone or not. "'Follow your emotions', right?"
Really, there was no better truth to it all. I knew exactly what I was going through, even if it did frighten me. My past experience with Relena's 'crush' on me helped me know the difference between infatuation and something much more.
I had fallen in love with Duo.
Quite possibly, I had been in love with him for some time and only in these past few days actually paid enough attention to realize it. With my newfound realization only came more questions. How was I going to tell Duo how I felt? What if Duo didn't feel the same? Did either of us care what other people would think about two young men being together if we even started a relationship? Whether he shunned me or accepted me, what would that mean for our working together as Preventers?
Ever the observant and understanding one, Wufei smiled warmly as if knowing the queries running through my mind. "One step at a time," he told me. "My suggestion would be to pay a bit more attention to how Maxwell behaves around you."
Nearly dropping the glass that I was raising to my mouth, I swiftly recovered it while spilling most of the contents on the table. Wide-eyed, I gaped at my bemused friend and all but shouted, "How...!?" Luckily, even that was absorbed by the noise of the bar that not too many heads turned our way in curiosity.
Following a slow drink from the beer bottle in his hand, Wufei shrugged smugly, "I caught you checking him out from the corner of my eye." My cheeks burned as he continued, "Besides, I catch onto everything- including growing 'attractions for another person' that are more than just attractions. Sally caught on not long after I did. We've been waiting for when you would finally come around."
My eyes narrowing, I replied, "Well thanks for telling me."
"You're welcome," he had the nerve to grin before taking another drink from his beer. Grumbling, I spun on my stool to watch the remainder of the dart game.
Then, Wufei's words really hit me. 'Pay a bit more attention to how Maxwell behaves around you.' Back when Duo was wondering what would happen once his arm was healed, was he curious because he wanted me to stay? His asking me seemed such an odd thing at first, but perhaps he was actually trying to see what my intentions were.
But what if I was wrong?
Unable to come to a clear conclusion on how things stood on Duo's part, I decided then and there to do just as Chang had suggested. I would really pay mind to his actions from that point on to see if there were any hints to how he may or may not have felt towards me.
Considering the fact that I had never had experience in this field of life, it certainly seemed the logical thing to do.
* * * * * *
Little by little, over the next few weeks, I did find some subtle differences in Duo's behavior that were very telling. Had I not been paying attention the way that I was, I would have completely missed those little hints.
His chair was shifted closer to mine when we sat together at the cafeteria. Whenever anything was passed between us- a file or paperwork for example- his hand would always come in contact with mine and almost linger there for a heartbeat before pulling away. On occasion, I would even catch him watching me from across the office.
All of these and other slight changes were hints enough for me to feel comfortable enough to say that perhaps Duo actually may have felt something for me. Now the new dilemma was where to go from there. It was more than clear that if Maxwell was not about to make the first move. And I had never been in such a position to know what to do.
Wufei and Sally were of little help there. When asked how I should go about making my feelings known, they just smiled and said that I would come up with something. I understood that such a thing needed to come from me, but it would have been nice to have a bit more advice than that.
Before I knew it, the cast was scheduled to be removed in a couple of days. I had let time slip past me and I still had no idea how to bring up to Duo the fact that I wanted to stay. Not only in his home but in his life.
I wanted to hold on to him... to us.
Then, the day before the appointment, the idea finally hit me.
* * * * * *
It was not the easiest thing to carry out in the dark as Duo slept, but when my eyes adjusted, I was able to get the message down on his cast. Luckily, there was just enough room left after the spot where I wrote my first name to add 'loves Duo.'
Through the whole morning leading up to his appointment, Maxwell never looked down to see what I had put down. Pacing nervously outside of the closed examination room, I could hear the medical saw cutting through the plaster. By the time he looked down to watch, there was not a chance my friend would miss the new picture of a heart around my words.
Finally, after an agonizing wait, the room fell silent and the door opened moments later. Straightening, I watched as Duo stepped out with his right arm in a brown medical tape wrap that allowed him the use of his elbow. When our eyes met, I held my breath at the sight of the tears shimmering.
Quickly closing the distance between us, he threw his arms around me and buried his head in my shoulder. "Love you, too," he mumbled with a sniffle as I pulled him close. My whole body warmed at the words, knowing that my feelings were reciprocated. I suppose that everyone in love feels this way.
Pulling back enough to look up at me, Duo leaned in for a long, chaste kiss that I made the first move to deepen. Nothing in the world felt better than that kiss. I held onto him with everything that I had in me. The way that I had always wanted to.
In that moment, I realized that I did not need to have something from my past to hold onto. By holding onto Duo, I held onto all that was dear to me. He was, and is, my present and future.
And I'll never let go.
OWARI
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