[Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all]
--- Lyrics from 'Don't Cry Out Loud recently recreated by Diana DeGarmo
Life... Really Part 20
One thing that Danielle had always prided herself in was that she always took charge of any and every situation. Whatever obstacles rose to challenge her, she always ascended above them and took control.
...For the first time in her life, she found herself desperately grasping for that control and failing.
Gripping the armrests of the chair that she had been ordered to sit in, Danielle was seething. The redness in her face blended with the scarlet of her business suit. Fittingly, it had begun to rain heavily outside, matching the storm raging within.
Her cobalt eyes narrowed fiercely on the tall man sitting across from her, Heero's mother hissed, "I demand an explanation for this, Zechs. You have no right to order me around like this."
The blonde man straightened in his seat on the couch, returning the fiery glare with equal discontent. Zechs' voice came out deep as he ground out, "For the last eight years, I have had to watch you influence your son's life. I made the mistake of staying silent to your behavior in manipulating that boy and that silence ends tonight."
With a bark of bitter laughter, Danielle smirked, "Influence? Manipulate? You make it sound as if my intent is nothing but malicious. Over the years of your service for my family, you-of all people-should know better than anyone that I only have Heero's best interest in mind."
Danielle's cobalt eyes lost their focus the slightest bit, as if seeing something that was not before her. "My parents sacrificed everything so that I would become successful. You have no idea what they went through to see that I was happy, that I didn't have to work three jobs just so that I could struggle to get by as they had.
"There were nights that we went hungry just so that they would be able to send me to a good college to become a lawyer-as I always dreamed to be one day. And yet, even that wasn't enough, and I had to work against countless odds to get where I am now."
As if waking from a dream, Danielle shook her head. Her glare returned and threatened to sheer through the man sitting before her. Her voice rose as she shouted, "I will not have my son go through that hardship! My son will want for nothing! He will be respected and admired by everyone who knows him. What more could anyone possibly hope for their child?"
Slightly lowering his head, the chauffer frowned sadly, "I do apologize, Danielle. I was not aware of the things that you had to go through to achieve what you had. Considering the rough upbringing you had, it is quite remarkable to see how far you have come."
For the briefest moment, he actually had a glimpse of how vulnerable and lost Danielle could be. While she regained her cool and calculated mask, the young woman did give a slight nod of appreciation for his words. Still, the tension continued to hang in the air, crackling with electricity.
Lifting a finger, Zechs replied in an even tone, "But you have just brought to light the root of the problem- your motivation comes from what you want for Heero. Have you ever considered what it might be that Heero would like out of life?"
Zechs raised his hand in a gesture to stop her. Speaking very slowly, he said, "Tell me one time that you asked Heero that he wanted the life you are leading him down."
Leaning forward, keeping their gazes locked, the chauffer stated, "If you can tell me one instance where he said that he wished to lead the life that you are now, then this conversation is ended and I offer my most sincere apologies if I have offended you at all."
Her eyes still narrowed, Danielle leaned forward, shouting, "This is ridiculous! Of course Heero wants everything that I am planning for him!" Just as the last words left her mouth, her cobalt eyes widened and her skin paled. Covering her parted lips, a strangled gasp escaped her throat.
The very worse that she had cried rang through her mind. Everything that she was planning for Heero... not with him.
As realization hit hard, tears filled the red-haired woman's cobalt eyes. Had she been so absorbed in her own wishes for what she wanted to see happen for Heero that she really closed herself to the possibility that Heero might want something else?
Before this night, Danielle never allowed herself to cry. Ever since she was a child, she forced herself to close off showing any weakness. Tears were a sign of weakness. And now, that lesson that she had forced upon herself had been forgotten.
In seeing the shimmering drops, Zechs' own eyes widened in shock mixed with sincere concern. In all the time he had known Danielle, he could not think of another time that he had seen her cry. With a deep breath, he frowned deeply, "You can't think of one time, can you?"
Danielle's eyes remained wide as she frantically tried to think of one occasion where her son had said that he wanted the life she had spent his entire life planning for him. She couldn't think of one single such moment.... not one.
A sob broke past the hand covering the young woman's mouth and she whispered brokenly, "My God... what have I done?" The tears began to slip from her unblinking eyes, running her thin mascara and rouge down her cheeks.
The weight of the world seemed to collapse on Danielle's shoulders as they slumped heavily. Everything that she had known shattered around her, revealing the truth her actions and influence over her only child.
After having had to fight for everything that she had in life, she had been blind to what should have been so obvious to her in the beginning. From the time that Heero had been born, she had placed a burden onto his shoulders-a burden that she was now doubtful that he even wanted. Her fight was not her Heero's fight, and yet she had made it so.
Lowering her hand, Danielle pleaded in little more than a breath filled with terror, "Zechs, what have I done?"
With a sad smile, the tall man reached forward to take one of her limp hands in his to squeeze it in support. Zechs spoke in a quite and sympathetic voice, "I know that you have only had Heero's best intentions in mind, Danielle. I never questioned that." His eyed narrowed a bit and he regained a bit of the edge that he had at the start of their conversation. "But you see how those intentions were lost to him?"
Biting her lip, Danielle sniffed and nodded before lowering her head and closing her eyes. More tears rolled down her face as her hands came up to remove her handkerchief from her pocket. Wiping at her face with the soft cotton, she sobbed.
While it was not his intention to upset the young woman so, Zechs straightened and held onto his reserve. Now that he was starting to get through, he needed to make sure that she would remember this night of revelations.
"Can you see now," the blonde man began, "Why Heero would be drawn to someone like Duo?" At that, Danielle snapped her tear-streaked face up with wide eyes.
Before he would allow her to retort, Zechs explained smoothly, "That boy was the only person in his life who gave him a chance to experience the things that he was never able to before. He showed Heero that there are things outside of the demands that had been placed on him." The corner of Zechs' mouth tugged upward as he asked, "Did you know that your son is quite an artist?"
The red-haired woman's eyes widened with disbelief. When she numbly shook her head, Zechs went on, "Duo was the first person to actually take interest in what Heero's own feelings were-what his dreams were, when his own mother would not."
Flinching at the impact of those words as if they had physically slapped her, Danielle's breath came in shallow intakes. Heero could draw? How was it that she never knew that when he was her son? And that... boy-Duo-he helped to find that secret gift? Slowly, it truly did become clear to her as to how Heero would be drawn to him, someone full of life where he had none of his own.
And she had sent Duo away.
Quickly rising to her feet with widened cobalt eyes, the young woman announced, "I have to find them. I have to fix this." Noin suddenly appeared from where she had been waiting just beyond the living room, the shock evident in her eyes in the turn of events.
With a firm nod, Zechs rose to his own feet and stated, "I can take you to where their friends are. I'm sure that they are over at one of their homes. They all live pretty closely."
Heero's mother shook her head and waved her hand, "No, I'll walk in that case. Just tell me where I can find them." Her eyes filled with determination, she walked over to the coat rack at the door to take up her clack raincoat. "I need time to think things through," she called back to the young couple.
Her eyes widening anew, Noin stepped towards her and sputtered, "B-but Madam, it's pouring outside! Surely, you should let us take you there." She watched in amazement as the owner of the household replaced her high heels with a pair of tennis shoes from the closet.
Meeting the stunned gazes watching her, Danielle's face lit with the first sincere, heartfelt smiles that she could recall tugging at her lips in what felt like ages. "Please, Noin, Call me Danielle."
Slowly, the young mother looked out past the window to see the rain streaking past the streetlamps. "When I was a child, I used to love the rain," she said in a quiet, wistful tone. "I'd play in it until it passed, then moved to jumping in the puddles it left behind."
Her cobalt eyes misting, Danielle reached up to dry the tears that sprung into them. "I miss those times," she breathed. "I think it's time that I got reacquainted with that innocent time again-before I lost myself."
Blinking away his shocked state, Zechs returned the warm smile. With a firm nod, he replied, "Very well. I will tell you where you can find their friends, then."
* * * * * *
Duo shivered as he slowly regained consciousness. That voice from his nightmare chuckled deeply over him, startling him awake with a sharp gasp and wide, violet eyes. Frantic, his eyes scanned the darkness around him, finding that the only light came from a ceiling light that shown down on him. Panting heavily, the braided teenager recalled his last moments of consciousness.
The Voice had found him.
Heavy footsteps echoed off the walls that Duo could not see in the pitch beyond the light shining on him. Swallowing hard, the cat-eared boy backed himself into the furthest edge of the ring of light's edge-away from the source of those footsteps as they grew louder.
Slowly, the owner of those footsteps walked into the ring of light and the braided teenager's breath caught in his throat. The tall, white-haired man before him smirked sinisterly down on him.
That smile... suddenly everything fell into place and Duo remembered the man that he had run from more than three years ago. "D-Dekim," was all he could manage to stammer, his violet eyes wide in terror.
Raising an eyebrow, the old man's smirk just grew all the more menacing. "So you do remember me," he remarked in that deep voice that ran a chill down Duo's spine. That smirk faded and a fierce glare rained down on his prisoner. "You have caused me quite a bit of trouble in looking for you," he growled deeply.
Duo flinched, his cat ears falling, when the old man walked closer towards him-but he dared not crawl out of that protective ring of light at which he lied at the edge... not out into that blackness that awaited. He whimpered and squeezed his eyes closed tightly when Dekim stood just over him.
"Now there is all the time in the world to make up for what I had lost," the tall man commented, his dark smirk returning as he peered down on his prize. Reaching into the pocket of his long trench coat, he removed a syringe filled with a clear serum.
As he removed the stopper from the long needle, Dekim sneered, "This is just a start of repaying you back for your insolence." Duo hesitantly opened his eyes, only for them to widen in fear when they saw the tall man leaning down towards him with that dark look in his narrowed eyes that was too familiar.
With a cry, the boy tried to get up to run, but was too late and he was pinned down by his shoulders by someone who came from the darkness behind him. Caught by surprise, Duo gasped in shock when he looked up to another familiar face. Smirking down on the youth in his grasp, Jacob told him, "Don't make this any more difficult than it needs to be."
Tears ran down Duo's face and he trembled almost violently. The long needle of the syringe was all but slammed into his right arm and he cried out in pain. As it was pumped into his veins, the serum burned its course as it spread throughout his body. The tests had begun again. After this, there would just be another, and yet another.
Quickly, the two scientists straightened themselves, smiling in satisfaction as they watched the cat-tailed boy hug his legs to his chest in a fetal position as he sobbed quietly in the agony engulfing him.
Sweat rolled down Duo's face, passing his closed eyes and mixing with his tears on his cheeks. Slowly, his long tail wrapped around his waist as if like a security blanket that would offer little comfort through his pain.
"I'll start the monitors," Jacob said to his mentor. With that, the brunette man stepped out into the darkness, disappearing once more.
His eyes still on the braided teenager huddled within himself, Dekim smirked, "Welcome back home, Duo." His deep chuckle echoed off the walls that could not be seen as he turned and stepped out of the ring of light. The heavy footsteps resonated along with his deep voice until at last, it faded into the distance.
An unseen, metal door slammed closed. The echo of the crash was nearly deafening. Duo jumped at the initial sound, but quickly had to pull his legs close again in effort to will the pain from his mind. Closing his eyes again, the braided teenaged whimpered quietly, "Heero..."
While he lied on his side like that, Duo never even allowed himself a glimmer of hope that he would ever see his lover. Heero would have no way of knowing what had become of him. No... This was how he was to spend the rest of his days-until the tests finally took their toll on his body and pushed it beyond its limits to hold out.
Silently, as tears continued to roll down his face, Duo hoped that his end would come soon... And he silently prayed that Heero would find happiness some day.
* * * * * *
Removing the hood of her light blue raincoat, Relena stepped into the Winner residence just as Wufei opened the door for her. The concern on the Chinese teenager's face was enough to say how well his own search had gone. Wufei was never one to let on to his emotions, especially when he was worried. The fact that he was now showing outward sighs of that did not bode well.
Carefully removed her coat entirely, resting it on the coat rack, Relena bit her lip to keep her own fears at bay. With a sullen nod, Wufei led Relena into the living room. Her heart sank further and her frown sunk deeper when she found the remainder of her circle of friends-missing one. Their problem at hand was growing more and more grim by the minute.
The dampened, sullen boys looked up at the arrival of the last of their search party, the Japanese teenager in the center looking the most miserable of the group. Heero rose from his chair with a deep sigh and ran a hand through his wet mop of hair. "Where could he had gone?" he murmured anxiously, his legs set to moving as he paced the floor.
It was the first sign of any breaking in Heero's resolve in finding Duo. Throughout the duration of the search, he had remained quiet and reserved, never allowing any hint of what his friends could only assume was killing him inside. But then, Heero never was one to wear his heart on his sleeve.
Lowering and shaking his head, Quatre frowned deeply, "I didn't think that Duo would manage to get far so fast. We were already spread out and looking within ten minutes of knowing that he ran off." He raised his head with a hopeful look and suggested, "Maybe he didn't go to far and he's just hiding somewhere."
Slowly talking a deep breath, Trowa replied, "If that's the case, there is any number of places that would take us hours to search for him. And if he's still moving, then we're not going to find him tonight."
Once everyone's eyes fell on him, the tall youth shrugged, "Given the circumstances that caused him to run off, I doubt that he has any intention of being found."
With a deep grunt, Wufei glared at his tall friend and snapped, "That's a fine attitude to have. I thought that you cared more about him as a friend than to just give up looking."
His emerald eyes, Trowa was just about to protest when Heero's quiet voice stated, "Trowa's right."
Everyone turned their wide to the rigid back facing the group. Slowly turning, the Japanese teenager's tired eyes met their shocked gazes. "We won't have any luck finding Duo if we haven't by now," he said in little more than a whisper.
Peering out the window to the pouring rain and night, Heero explained, "When he was a kitten, Duo lived out on these streets. He knows the area better than the five of us together." He ran a hand through his damp hair again, sighing, "We won't have any luck searching after dark like this."
As much as they hated to agree with their friend, the others all knew that he was right. Their search would have to wait until it was light out again. Beings it was the weekend after the prom, at least it gave them a couple of free days.
Given how worried they were for their braided friend, there was not one person in the room who would not reconsider dropping everything they had to until he was found.
Swallowing hard, Relena approached her unruly-haired friend and placed a hand on his shoulder. With a gentle squeeze, she drew his attention back and his cobalt eyes met her watery gaze. "I'm sure that we'll find Duo, Heero," she reassured him with a small smile and quiet tone.
Although he wanted to return some kind of grin back, Heero just couldn't muster it with his emotions threatening to overwhelm him. Instead, he just gave her a slight nod. It was just too difficult to find his voice at that moment.
Quatre rose to his feet, meeting his friend's cobalt eyes, and said warmly, "You're more than welcome to spend the night here, Heero. You know my parents would offer it, themselves, if they were not on their business trip."
Not even needing to consider, Heero nodded with a sincere, "Thank you, Quatre. I'll have to take up that offer." The doorbell rang out, causing the band of teenagers to look at each other in confusion.
The blonde Arab quickly walked to the front door, his eyes widening in fear and disbelief when he saw who was waiting on the other side when he cracked it open. "M-Mrs. Yuy," he stammered, frozen in place where only his head was able to peek through the cracked door.
Lowering the hood of her raincoat, Danielle smiled kindly, "Quatre. It's been years since I had seen you last. My, but you're growing to be quite a handsome young man."
When the stunned youth's mouth fell open, but it was clear he could not respond any more than that, the red-haired woman tried to look into the house past him. "Is my son here?" she asked with a deep frown of concern.
At that, Quatre finally broke from his stupor, shaking his head and replied, "Well, I uh..."
From behind the young Arab, Heero's voice reassured him, "It's all right, Quatre. You can let her in." at the sound of her son's voice, Danielle's concern melted with a relieved sigh and the door was opened for her as Quatre stepped aside.
Before Heero could react, he was suddenly wrapped in a wet, tight embrace when his mother suddenly ran towards her to throw her arms around his neck. Nearly falling back both from the impact and his shock, the Japanese teenager reached up to return the embrace.
"I'm sorry, Heero," Danielle whispered brokenly in his ear. "I'm so sorry." His cobalt eyes widening further, the Japanese teenager rubbed the trembling back of his mother.
Never in his life could Heero recall his mother embracing him, or ever apologizing for anything. When he looked into the living room, the stunned faces of his friends watched the scene with wide eyes and slack jaws.
The first to snap back from their state, Relena cleared her throat quietly as she glared at the boys around her. In catching her hint, Quatre, Trowa and Wufei quickly followed her out of the room to allow some privacy.
Gently leading his mother into the now empty living room, Heero carefully removed his mother's raincoat. As drenched as the coat and his mother were, his eyes widened again while the young woman sat on one of the couches. "You walked here in this weather?" he asked, the awe evident in his voice.
"Yes," Danielle replied with a smile. "It was wonderful." She chuckled deeply and ran a hand through her damp, red hair. First the embrace, then the apology and now she was smiling. Heero was beginning to question what was wrong with his mother. How she had changed in a matter of hours since the last time he saw her was astounding.
Her smile fading, the young woman patted the spot in the couch beside her in a silent plea for him to join her. Slowly, Heero sat beside his mother as she took his hands in hers and squeezed them. Meeting her son's gaze, Danielle's own cobalt eyes filled with tears and she whispered, "Heero, I have been so wrong in how I have handled... everything."
At that, Heero shook his head, "I don't understand."
Biting her lip, Danielle cupped the side of his face and replied quietly, "I took too much control over your life. What started off as a personal battle of my own when I was your age, I have carried and pushed onto you without realizing it."
She reached up to dry her eyes before straightening herself with reserve and announced firmly, "That ends tonight."
It took a moment for her words to sink in before Heero felt a small smile fall on his lips, unable to find his voce at that moment. To whatever had brought on his mother's change, he was Danielle leaned in to place a soft kiss on her son's forehead and commented, "We'll talk more about this later. We have something more important to worry about right now."
Gazing around the living room, the red-haired woman frowned, "I didn't see Duo among your friends. I wager that you haven't found him yet."
Heero swallowed hard and shook his head, "No." Lowering his head, he allowed he finally allowed himself to voice his concern. "I'm worried about him, Mom," he said quietly, brokenly as he fought the tears in his eyes.
Taking the boy's face in her hands, Danielle made his eyes meet hers and she stated firmly, "We'll find him." Unable to fight back the tears any longer, Heero sniffled and threw his arms around his mother, burying his face in her shoulder.
As she held her son tightly, Danielle's mind was already working out a plan on to how she was going to keep her word.
Whatever it took, she was determined to see that her son would be happy.
TBC...
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