Author: SkyLark
Pairings: 1x2
Warnings: AU, Angst Sap
Beta: ShenLong Deb
Inspired by the Luther Vandross song by the same name.
Every Year Every Christmas
I knew that he was going to disappear. From the day that I had met him, I knew Heero better than anyone that he had ever come into contact with.
Sure, there are aspects of him that were a mystery to me, but I somehow... got him. It was just something that clicked between us where we understood each other on as intimate a level as two people could have.
And though we'd experienced a few nights between the sheets thanks to our raging teenage hormones and never-endless seam of adrenaline from close calls and brutal battles, we did not actually need to be lovers for that kind of familiarity. I knew him inside and out where it mattered. The parts that were uniquely, privately him would sort themselves out.
Whenever I try to explain it to Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Hilde or even Relena after she and I became close friends following the Mariemaia incident, they just can't grasp it. To them, Heero will remain an enigma who cannot come to terms with himself without a mission or a war to focus him.
But I know better. Yes, there would be a time where he would feel lost. Which is why I was also well aware he would run off once the dust had settled that fateful Christmas Eve and the Vice-Foreign Minister with whom he had felt indebted to protect gave her first speech after her kidnapping.
Once order had returned to the Earth and the Colonies, Heero was going to need to adjust and find who he was. And even though I may not show it, I actually am pretty patient when it comes to him. I would wait as long as he needed.
It was that night as we readied our transport shuttle to take on Mariemaia's soldiers readying Operation Meteor when I came to terms with what would come once we won the day. When the confetti fell and the victory parades were over, he would be gone.
But I wasn't sad about it. Heero would be back. I knew it down to the core of my being.
Still, I had to have my intentions known just in case he did not understand me the way I hoped he did...
* * * * * *
[Flashback]
I could maneuver a shuttle of any size, shape and condition from pristine to downright shitty and barely running with one hand and blindfolded. So I was able to lock into the dock of our last hub before we went into gear without a real thought of what I was doing.
My mind was really on the future... a future that would be without my best friend and lover of the past year-and-a-half.
The sound of that rapid typing from the co-pilot chair only settled in the fact that I'd have to go a while not hearing that in the middle of the night when I wasn't enough to hold back the nightmares. Early on in our coming to know each other I hated that damned rattle of keys but came to love it as it meant he was the one causing it.
We never went into the layout of our relationship. Whether it was something purely made out of convenience or something more was not discussed... but we kept gravitating back to each other like two opposing magnets so that meant a hell of a lot to me in saying what we had.
But I had to go for broke get it out on the table.
Watching Yuy continue to type away from the corner of my eye, I skipped the lead up and announced, "Hey, 'Ro, I'm thinking Christmas would be a good day for us to meet up again." Of course, I had to get a dig in there by smirking, "Maybe at the harbor where I shot you. Kinda fitting since it's where we first met on the last day we'll see each other."
The hands flying over the keys froze on a dime as Heero's head shot up to stare ahead. For a second, I thought that I blew it... like I broke the silent rule to not bring up what was going on with us.
Just when I was about to do some serious backpedaling, I saw the slight relaxation in his shoulders. Whether I crossed some line or not, it became all too clear that his initial reaction was more out of surprise that I had caught him... read his plans without his even guessing that I was onto them. Rather than run from that extension of my feelings, he accepted them.
Encouraged by that, I had to insist, "Just make sure to not show up before you're ready to stay with me because I won't be as willing to let you ever leave again."
Finally, Heero turned his head to face me so that our eyes locked. He was searching me, trying to see how serious I was in my proposal. After a long silence, he found it. His face might have remained stoic, but there was that flash of something very human that only I ever got to see. I saw the smile in it.
"Christmas. At the harbor," he replied with a firm nod in that flat tone of his. Then, he turned back to his laptop and resumed patching in his commands.
It was not a solemn promise. One that he wasn't about to break. I was every bit as aware of that as I was the pounding in my chest from the excitement of his taking everything that I had to offer him.
Nothing more needed to be said on the matter.
And when he was nowhere to be found by the next night, there was not the least bit of grief on my part. We were going to meet again.
[End Flashback]
* * * * * *
So, here I sit now on Christmas night as I have for the last twelve years since that last we shared. Every time this season rolls around, the sentiments from my friends are the same.
Quatre feels bad for me.
Trowa is in silent disappointment for my stubbornness to hang on.
Wufei is disgusted with the pair of us... me for not giving up and Heero for not showing after all this time.
Hilde is a constant ball of worry for my state of mind.
Relena is probably the only person who kind of gets where I stand, but even she let go of any hope that he would show up again.
Every one of them have found their own happiness in the relationships that they had developed into. They are all either married or bonded civilly in domestic partnerships. And yet I am the one who remains on his own... the one person they all swear should have his pick of any person he wants because of my personality to get along with pretty much whoever I meet.
But my heart already belongs to someone. It always has. And when he told me he would return once he was ready, I believed him.
So, every year... every Christmas I sit on the bench of the longest pier of the harbor where we agreed to reunite. Every year I am filled with what I actually consider to be memories that keep me warm through the chilly day and night of first seeing that boy with wild hair and an even more untamed soul behind those cobalt eyes.
This sight is now the spot of a large festival complete with an ice skating rink, lights that create the most amazing displays, booths selling hot chocolate and holiday trinkets and an sea of partakers ranging from young to old. I never get involved, content to just sit back and watch.
And once the show is over, when the lights are turned off and the last of the crew running the event have left long after night has settled, that's when I know Heero is not coming this year. Just fine by me, since he'll be around one of these days.
Never once have I considered giving up the ghost and not being in this spot.
Physically I've changed a lot from being the teenager that I was. Most of the time I spend on this bench, I wonder how different the other half of me must look by now. Has he filled out as much as I have? Did he gain any inches, unlike I hoped I would? Did he lose that essence of himself in his gaze after years of searching for a purpose in life?
That much I prayed had not changed. That wildness should forever remain some part of him. It was what kept him alive through the war. It was what would most likely keep him together in this time of peace... along with what we shared, I could only wish.
It's a snowy Christmas this time around, the slight warmth in the air being just enough for the thick clouds covering the skies to drop pretty thick flakes throughout the day. It only adds to the serenity of the whole scene up and down the piers. There's laughter, the smell of some of the best foods and drink for the season and smiles as there is every year.
And again, I find myself missing the one person I would like nothing more than to experience it with.
By the time it begins to darken and the light displays really shine through, I am already picturing heading back to Hilde's party where the others will be waiting to watch me come back alone... like every Christmas before. There will be the usual whispers behind my back, if not the sighed comments made to my face that I'll ignore like I have every year.
Hours pass by and I break from my thoughts enough to realize that the crowds have gone and the shops are closing. Yep. Another year come and gone. Nothing to get upset over.
Standing and brushing off the snow that is gathering on the shoulders of my leather coat, I stuff my gloved hands into my pockets and make the trek up to the dock. Already plotting out my arguments of defense for the guys, I stare at the cleared off path guiding the way through the displays while they are being shut down.
"Duo."
I stop dead in my tracks at the familiar voice. My head whips around to find where the familiar voice came from to find nothing. When I am convinced that maybe Hilde is right and I might be losing my mind, he comes walking out into the open from the nearest alley.
He is every bit as beautiful as I remembered... a bit taller, more filled out as I had expected... and still carrying that slight edge of wildness in his haunting cobalt eyes catching the lights that remain on.
There's no hesitance from me. I run and Heero's arms open at the last second to pull me close. Clinging onto him, I laugh through the tears that I only then notice are falling. We stand there, simply holding each other, for a long while before we pull back enough to exchange smiles... his first true smile that I could ever remember seeing.
Just the kiss that I'm given is one that makes the wait more than worth it. There is raw, deep feeling behind it that had been missing in the past. This time there is a real sense of love and gratitude that fills my soul.
It says every 'I love you' that had never been worded before and promises that there will never be another that will go unspoken again.
Once we pull away for air, I grin widely up at him, "So... this means you're going to stay?"
"Yea," Heero smirks back.
Short, simple, true and every bit him. But with all of the sincerity in the world.
Finally, I would have every year... every Christmas with him. Never again would I have to see those sad faces greeting me back from the pier. Now there would only be 'us' again... the way that Heero and I were meant to be.
Resting our foreheads together, I sigh, "Good. Let's go home."
The sentiment brings that heart-tugging smile back to his face. Our hands link and we walk off together into the future that I now know we will forever be tied to.
And there would never be a better Christmas gift than that.
OWARI
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