Author: Sami-pi
Rating: PG (swearing)
Pairings: implied 1x2x1
Warnings: Angst, melodrama. Uh... it's been a while right? for gw ficcage? so... lol. I think that warrants a warning of its own. lol!
Beta: trixietrixie~~
Disclaimer: clearly i don't own GW or the characters... not intended for profit, just for fun.
Notes: for lilzazu who requested anyone to fic her something angsty based on One Republic's "Apologize". i hope it's okay~~~ ^O^;;;;;;
Holding On Ten Feet Off the Ground
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new, yeah yeah
He put on a brave front for everyone. He got his team out alive, even if one of them was draped across his back and bleeding through both their shirts. He got the ones who needed medical care into ambulances, the ones who needed to be debriefed first into the assigned armoured cars, the ones who needed a shower before they were declared health hazards back to HQ, and the ones who needed a bit of a time out... he arranged to be 'lost in traffic' for the appropriate amount of time. For himself, he got the big gashes stitched up on the scene, slapped a couple of band-aids on the smaller cuts from the first aid kit in the car they'd sent for him, and was the first one to give his mission account.
Only after he'd seen to his crew at HQ did he allow himself to go to the hospital to confront his wounded. Two were in-and-out, so he'd already thanked them as they were going into their respective interview rooms at the office, but a couple were looking at being hospitalized for a week or more, and one was still in surgery.
While a good team player wasn't allowed to value one member of his team over any other, his heart didn't always toe that line.
Preventers' field agents were well-trained and well-educated, but, while not exactly expendable, they weren't exactly irreplaceable either. Of course bringing everyone home was a priority, but no one went out on a mission thinking that their safety was guaranteed. 'Team first' was the motto beating in the hearts of every agent.
Except for two.
"Fucking, Heero Yuy..." Duo bit back the next expletive, worried it was going to come out as a sob.
They'd been partnered up early, despite their personal relationship, because both had had problems working with others. Heero had problems communicating with fellow trainees. Unable to make them understand that his standards of excellence were only for himself, each of his trial partners had run themselves ragged trying to keep up with him. In the end, their frustration at their own limitations forced them to lash out at poor Heero who just couldn't see why they didn't take him at his word. Duo, on the other hand, had the opposite problem. Everyone took him at his word, and he spoke with such a flippant air that he was easily underestimated. Too frequently underestimated. And he took his own frustrations out on his trial partners, time and again.
As they'd worked well together during the war, and as they were the best assets the Preventers had, Director Une had bent the rule about partnering agents who were in a relationship.
For the past two years, Duo had been forced to watch as Heero took hit after hit, cut after cut, bullet after bullet, fall after fall... Half of those were legitimately his to take, but the other half, the half that struck Duo to the core, were hits/cuts/bullets/falls that had been meant for Duo.
The staff at the hospital where the Preventers usually sent their wounded all knew Duo by now, both as a patient... and as a very angry visitor. They let him by without a word, merely pointing out the directions to Heero's room.
"He's just out of surgery, Agent Maxwell," Dr. Tam reached out to touch Duo's shoulder. "It was really close this time, but don't worry, okay? He's strong. He'll pull through like he always does."
Always, always, always does... The words circled in Duo's mind until he thought he'd go mad.
Then he was there, standing next to Heero's pallid form. If Duo tilted his head just so and squinted a bit, he could almost believe that Heero was just napping. His eyes were closed softly, dark lashes making sooty crescents against his cheeks. There was no tension between his brows. There was, however, a faint scar that ran across his nose and left cheek, a jarring reminder of the last time he lay 'napping' here.
"Hi," Duo whispered, lightly running his fingers through Heero's bangs.
The heart monitor beeped in response and Duo looked off into the distance for a minute, measuring out time by the beat of Heero's heart.
"I love you."
The words fell flat in the stillness of the room.
He bent down and pressed a gentle kiss to Heero's forehead, then one to each eyelid, but he paused above the lips.
"Wake up and kiss me. I'm waiting," he whispered.
But of course there was no reply.
Duo straightened up and looked around for a chair. He was in for a long wait.
"We should have a celebration, you know," he said in a casual tone, as if talking to Heero's unconscious body was commonplace. "This is our twentieth anniversary."
The heart monitor continued to beep steadily.
"Nineteen times since becoming your partner at work have I sat here in some uncomfortable plastic chair next to your hospital bed waiting for you to wake up, and this time, this makes it a grand twenty. Should I ask the canteen to make us a cake? I'm pretty sure the staff would frown on me smuggling a bottle of champagne up here."
Duo couldn't bring himself to point out that he was only counting the times that Heero had landed himself in the hospital due to trying to 'save' him.
But even though it was unspoken, the fact weighed heavy on Duo's heart.
"You can't keep doing this, Heero."
He grasped Heero's hand in both of his.
It had been really, really close this time. A bullet and an explosion. The bullet wouldn't have been more than a flesh wound to Duo, but Heero had still thrown himself in its path and the bullet had pierced a lung... which made it a bit more than just "a flesh wound" to Heero. The explosion, granted, would probably have taken Duo out of commission for at least a month. The point was not that Heero had wrapped Duo in his arms and shielded him from the worst of it, but that while the blast would have just knocked Duo about, it ended up doing far more damage to Heero as he'd had to take not just the brunt of the decompression, but he'd also managed to twist their positions around to cushion Duo's fall. And having 160 pounds of Duo land on him in his already injured state would have killed a lesser man.
So rather than the month recovery time Duo would have taken, Heero was going to be off the active duty roster for two to three months, and he was looking at a rigorous physio schedule for the first couple weeks.
"I know you love me..."
Duo's grip tightened.
"You're endangering yourself." He hunched over their entwined fingers and finally let the tears fall. "You're going to get yourself killed, Heero. How is that going to help anything? It won't help Preventers and it sure as fuck won't help me!"
Duo bit his lip.
"Please. We can't go on like this. I can't go on like this."
The heart monitor beeped.
"But I don't know what to do. I love you so much, and you don't even know how much you're hurting me. I can't tell you because it makes me sound ungrateful. And I can't tell anyone else without making it sound like you're being unprofessional."
He kissed Heero's knuckles again and again.
"Wake up and tell me what to do... Tell me you'll take care of yourself. Tell me we just need new partners. Tell me you'll be okay by yourself. Tell me you'll quit your job, or tell me to quit mine. Tell me... something. Reassure me, Heero."
The heart monitor beeped.
And Duo sat in his chair.
"If I put in for a transfer, will you follow me? Will you trust someone else to watch over me?" He sighed. "Will I trust someone who's slower than me or weaker than me to take care of you?"
Finally Duo reached up to kiss Heero's lips.
"I'm sorry, but this has to end."
He ran his fingers through Heero's hair again, traced the shell of his ear and the line of his neck.
Then he stood up, steeled his heart, and turned to walk away.
But a raspy, pained cough from behind him froze him right where he stood.
"Duo."
He swallowed hard.
"Stop... Duo..."
Duo could tell that Heero was struggling and every fibre of his being was screaming at him to rush back, to soothe his sore throat with ice chips, and to silence him with sweet kisses. But he couldn't now because it would only reinforce the vicious cycle they'd set for themselves.
"Heero, don't speak. Let me just go get the doctor."
His hand was already on the door knob.
"Please."
He stopped.
"I... heard..."
"Heero, there was nothing to hear. Just rest. I'll..."
"Come back, right?"
Duo laid his forehead against the cool laminate of the door. He was desperately afraid of the answer to that question and he had to take a couple shaky breaths before he could speak again.
"I'll see you later, okay?"
It was the only neutral thing he could say that was neither a lie nor the truth. If he was honest with himself, he didn't know if he would ever see Heero again... if he could bring himself to see Heero again.
"I'm sorry."
Heero's voice broke as he cried out.
There was nothing Duo could do but turn around to face Heero then.
"You don't have anything to apologize for." And he meant it. Heero could not help being who he was and Duo never wanted to change him because Duo loved him. "You've done nothing wrong and I'm not mad at you."
The problem lay with Duo. Duo was the catalyst; he was the cause; he was the one putting Heero in the line of fire time and again. It was his fault.
"What you said... I can't just... Please."
"Can't just what, Heero?" Duo couldn't help but take a step closer. "You can't not risk your life to save mine anymore?"
"You... don't understand..."
Duo sighed.
"I do understand. You love me. Isn't that it, the crux of the matter?"
Heero looked like he was going to cry.
And like metal to a magnet Duo couldn't resist any longer. He drifted back to Heero's side.
"I can't stay with you," he said, voice soft. "It hurts too much. Do you know?"
Heero shook his head minutely.
"Every time you're injured, it hurts me too. And you act like your pain doesn't affect me. You just... Do you think you're the only one who's in love here? I can't keep watching you get hurt because of me."
"Need you. Can't let anything..."
"You can't let anything happen to me because you need me? Have you ever thought that I need you just as much? More." Duo cupped Heero's face in his hands. "You think you can't live without me, but what about me? What if I can't live without you? Especially if I have to live with the knowledge that I was the one who got you killed?"
"I'm sorry..."
"I've already said that it's not something that 'sorry' can fix. Being together exponentially increases the probability of your death and I can't do it anymore. I'm so scared all the time that I can't work properly. I'm resigning from Preventors, and I... I don't know... I might have to leave altogether... I can't watch you go on missions without me at your back... But working with you means putting you at risk..."
Heero managed to get one arm up to lace his fingers with Duo's.
"Stop--"
Tears were welling Heero's eyes, and Duo could see that although the effort was causing him pain Heero was still struggling to talk, still trying to get Duo to stay. And as much as he wanted to turn away from it, wanted to hurt Heero back, in any way he could, Duo really couldn't bring himself that low.
With his free hand, he grabbed a couple ice chips from the cup on the bedside table and gently ran them one by one across Heero's lips until he was swallowing with ease.
His expression was soft as he mouthed a sad farewell.
"No," Heero whispered as he held on tightly to Duo. "You're tired. Don't know what. You're saying. Rest first."
"Heero..."
"I understand. I do. And I'm sorry, so very sorry. Please, Duo, just..."
Duo let out a little sob, but he straightened up away from Heero.
"Don't." He scrubbed his face against his sleeve, wiping away the tears. "Don't say shit you don't mean just because you think I want to hear it. I can't take your apology, because there's nothing to apologize for, but also because you're not actually sorry!"
The two of them sat in silence for a full minute. Heero's gaze was focused on Duo, but Duo could only stare at the scuffed linoleum at his feet.
"Where do we go from here?" Heero gripped the long fingers twined with his. "What do you want?"
"I want..." He turned a bit to look at their hands, and he squeezed Heero's fingers back. "I want you to be safe. I want to keep you safe." He paused. "I want you to let me keep you safe."
There was silence again and this time it was Heero who turned away from meeting Duo's eye.
"I didn't realize that I've made you feel this way." He finally looked at his partner and for the first time saw the fear and the pain in his clear blue eyes. "I can't say that I regret trying to protect you. And I can't promise that I won't ever do it again. But I didn't know that what I've been doing has hurt you so deeply and in a way that's worse than any injury suffered in the line of duty. For that, I'm sorry."
Duo sat back down in the chair, in his chair, where he belonged, at Heero's side, and he laid his head against Heero's shoulder.
"I love you."
"I know. And I'm really sorry, Duo. I'll keep saying it until you take it."
He sighed softly before mumbling: "It's too late to say you're sorry."
And he felt Heero tense beneath him.
"I'm already bound to you. And you're stuck with me."
OWARI
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