Warning: hmm... bad dates, political incorrectness... i think that's it!
Never Kissed a Girl Part 4
I called Relena from the C2C Shuttle.
"I got the updated itinerary on my organizer, and I just wanted to clarify something. You've got me sharing a hotel room with Duo?"
"Yes. Is that all?"
"But wait," I spoke in a hurry lest she thought our conversation was over (I suspected she was in the Private Office again), "how am I supposed to get laid if Duo is with me?"
There was a slight pause and I heard a "click".
Dammit! She had me on speaker again!
"You were the one who said that Duo wasn't going to hinder your 'mission', Heero. And weren't you also the one who said you didn't want random anonymous sex? What are you doing trying to invite people back to your hotel room?"
She had me there.
I had said that didn't want random anonymous sex. But at the same time, the whole point of this escapade was to get sex, right? This was all very contradictory.
"Heero, I can hear the cogs in your head grinding to a halt. Your brain wants one thing, your dick wants another. Look, I have faith that if Little Heero finds something he likes, you'll work it out. Don't worry about Duo. Talk to him, he'll help you. If nothing else, just hang a sock on the doorknob. Duo will get it. Or use your imagination, try public sex."
I took the phone away from my ear and stared at it. Did Relena Peacecraft just tell me to engage in illegal indecent exposure?
"Um..." I replied.
"Just, stop thinking so hard. Go out, have a good time. I know you want to."
"Um..."
"And don't forget you and Duo have a double date tonight when you arrive on L2."
"UM!"
"Set up will be the same as always! Love you lots, Heero. Kiss, kiss. Bye!"
And then she hung up.
That girl was getting ruder and ruder. Etiquette classes, my ass.
Duo grabbed the phone out of my hand before I could throw it down the length of the cabin.
"What does she mean when she says 'set up will be the same as always'?" he asked, drawing me out of my frustrated thoughts.
"Uh..."
I loved how articulate I was being.
But I really didn't want to tell Duo that Relena had been setting me up with the horniest people in the Earth Sphere...some of whom I'd have sworn were "Professionals".
I also didn't want to tell him that I had Outfits, all picked out and carefully labeled for each date. Because I knew he was going to ask to see them. And I knew that really I didn't want to show him the Rhinestone Cowboy outfit I'd had to wear in Texas.
"Has Relena been choosing all your dates?"
He looked...I couldn't decipher his expression.
"Not all of them. Sometimes she sends me to clubs." He started laughing then.
"Clubs with Back Rooms?" he asked, snorting with laughter.
At my nod, he doubled over. He was rolling in his seat, he was laughing so hard.
"Oh. My. God," he gasped out. "She's not trying to help Little Heero, she's trying to give him a disease!"
I scowled at him. Relena wasn't like that! She was a very nice girl. My best friend. She wouldn't be doing anything that was bad for my penis.
Then again, said that little voice in the back of my mind, she was setting me up on a tour of promiscuity. Not exactly the most moral of all endeavours.
"I'm sorry," he said, eyes still twinkling with mirth. "I'm sure she means well, but oh my God. I can't believe she sent you to those places! I can only imagine the type of people she's been setting you up with for your one-on-one dates."
I couldn't argue with him. I really hadn't been thrilled with the selection Relena had offered me thus far.
He managed to calm his chuckles enough to look me straight in the eye and ask: "So what do you think about when you masturbate, Heero?"
I stared at him.
"I just wanna know if I'm going out with a girl or a boy tonight, that's all."
"What makes you think Relena will assume we have the same taste?"
He pondered that for a moment.
"I'm not into dogs, if that's what you're implying."
I rolled my eyes.
"Would you lay off?" I asked, shoving him away from me.
"Seriously, Heero, I want to know," he whined.
"I thought you said you knew me best, Maxwell. Why don't you tell me what I think about when I masturbate?"
He squinted at me, leaned closer, then closer still. He looked at my eyebrows, my nose, my left ear, my chin, the corner of my mouth. Then he sat back with quite the smug expression on his face.
"You're bi, an equal opportunity lover, you don't believe in labels or limits, et cetera, et cetera," Duo concluded.
I was genuinely surprised that he'd guessed. I didn't think I had it written on my forehead. Then again, it's not like he looked at my forehead anyway. Nose...eyebrows...chin... It must have been written on my ear. I vowed to look in a mirror once we landed.
He chortled with glee at having caught me out.
"Okay, wise-guy, what's the gender of your preferred orgasm inducer?" I asked him, trying not to sound belligerent or defensive.
He flashed me the smarmiest grin I'd ever seen on him.
"I just like orgasms, baby. Man or woman, if you can give 'em to me, I'm in love."
I hit him.
* * *
"Heero..." Duo whispered in my ear, tugging urgently on my sleeve.
"Shh! I know," I whispered back, while trying to maintain a tightlipped smile.
It appeared that Relena wanted to give us a selection, but a selection of what, I was not altogether sure. The two people waiting in the lobby, presumably for us, were both of indeterminate gender. So much so that I actually hoped my presumption was wrong. While I wasn't one to focus on looks, I did like to know if I was dating a man or a woman. Maybe Relena thought that because I was bi, I wouldn't mind someone who was "inbetween-y"? I just hoped that they weren't "inbetween-y" ... in between... there.
"Heero Yuy?" The taller of the two stepped forward to shake my hand. "I'm Aaron Myer, this is my sister Erin. We're your dates for tonight."
I tried to keep a friendly smile on my face, but I was sure I was failing. I was so confused: who gave their children the same name? Even if they were spelled differently, and I was sure that the girl spelling was different from the biblical spelling, wouldn't it have been confusing when only one of them got in trouble? On the other hand, I suppose it came in handy when calling the kids for dinner.
While I was pondering which social nicety to apply to this situation, Duo stepped up to save me from accidentally speaking my mind.
"So where are we going tonight?"
Relena had given me a white button-up shirt and khakis: hardly indicative of our scripted destination. On the other hand, she had written careful instructions on how to "casually roll up the sleeves" so I didn't think the place would be too formal. I was wearing sandals too, L2 being on its summer cycle.
"Miss Peacecraft arranged for us to go on an outdoor picnic. There's a symphonic orchestra playing at Memorial Park and she thought it would be nice for you two to have a chance to stretch your legs after having been cooped up in a shuttle all day."
Duo nodded and motioned for me to follow him as he led our merry group outside.
"I went to watch them last summer. It was nice."
I could tell that he wasn't enthused. Duo had many, many smiles, and each smile changed his tone of voice. I always liked the battle one best, but that may have been a perversion of mine, I wouldn't know. What I did know, however, was that most people liked the one he was using now. It was a nice smile, don't get me wrong. It was wide and showed lots of teeth, it even made his eyes shine, but it didn't make his voice deepen and take on this rich--I'd like to use the word 'lush'--tone that made you smile too just from hearing him speak your name. The smile he was using now was the same smile he'd had when I'd showed him I could set my own leg.
When I slid into the backseat of the taxi, I was surprised to suddenly feel the female (slightly) Myer press up against my left side. Apparently, she was to be my date. I didn't know what to say, so I smiled awkwardly and resigned myself to sitting in silence. Erin didn't seem to mind, though. She actually didn't even say 'hi'. She just curled herself around me and then started talking to her brother, who was sitting in the front passenger seat.
Duo, who was wedged in on the other side of me, leaned forward to offer a greeting, but neither of the Myers offered an appropriate pause in their conversation.
In fact, the two of them could have given Duo a run for his money when he was at his garrulous prime. I listened for a while, but when they started discussing their fourth cousin's husband's child's classmate, I had to tune out. I saw that even Duo had taken to staring out at the passing scenery with a blank expression on his face.
When we passed through a tunnel, Duo caught my bored reflection in the window and he offered me a sympathetic grin.
Then he pinched me.
Rather high up and inside, if I had to say.
I pitched forward, curling protectively in on myself. Erin barely reacted to my high-pitched yelp and subsequent movement. She merely patted me lightly on the arm and pushed me back in my seat, so as not to interrupt her line of conversation with her brother.
Duo was completely unrepentant, sitting there, smiling happily to himself all the way to our destination.
The taxi dropped us off at the official entrance to Memorial Park where there was a surprisingly grand archway and large, inscribed obelisk ostensibly making up the "memorial" part of the park's name. The park itself was also bigger than I'd expected. It was almost as big as the one on L1 that Duo and I had visited. I commented on this to Duo and he responded with a tight smile, one that clearly said the park hadn't always been this size. I got the feeling that this was, for him, a similar reminder as that L1 park was for me.
Parks, the colony way of covering up the past, who'd've thought?
Well, actually, if Rue L'internationale was any evidence, it was better to just cover the mess with sod. God only knew why blood stains and scorch marks refused to come out of whatever the hell material they'd made the colonies with.
I scuffed at the turf with the toe of my sandal, just to see.
I was rewarded with a sandal full of dirt.
Duo rolled his eyes, shaking his head, and nudged me toward the Myers. Guess he was telling me to give it up.
Aaron had brought along a traditional picnic basket that was so large I had no idea how I'd failed to notice it at the hotel. He told us, with a faint blush, that "Miss Peacecraft" had arranged for it to be couriered here from Earth with all of her favourite "Date Delicacies".
Ah, fuck.
I mentally steeled myself for an evening of oysters and caviar. If I was lucky, there'd be some grapes. If I was unlucky, those grapes would be sandwiched in with some bizarre-smelling cheeses.
I ought to have told Duo what he was in for, but I opted to use this as retaliation for the pinch in the taxi.
After a short walk, we settled down under a leafy tree, a little away from the orchestra shell and the majority of the people. Aaron spread out two blankets and two sets of "dinners". Looked like this was going to be a "double date" as in, "two separate dates". I was ever so thrilled.
Erin sat down on one blanket and immediately began opening all the tins and plastic containers, ripping apart the baguette into handy "rustic" little chunks, and slicing into the cheeses. When she'd arranged everything to her satisfaction, she looked up at me expectantly and patted the space next to her.
I couldn't help but notice that her hands were almost the same size as mine.
When I hesitated, she grabbed my hand and pulled me down.
Her hands really were the same size as mine. And rougher too.
I smiled (I thought it was a smile) at her and wracked my brain for something to say.
"Here," she waved a piece of bread in my face. "Open up for Mr. Choo-choo train!" she cooed, fluttering her eyelashes as she guided the food towards my mouth.
I stared at the slimy oyster flopped all over it and I had to struggle not to retch.
I might have been of some Japanese descent, but I was actually quite squeamish about raw seafood. It looked gross, smelled even worse, and the texture... don't make me think about the texture...
Why Relena kept trying to make me eat it was completely beyond my comprehension. She knew I hated it, she did. But every chance she got, she'd try to foist some kind of nasty, slippery, mushy, squishy, fishy thing on me. There was always some excuse: it's low in fat; it's high in protein--
"Oh, there's a note for you," Erin said suddenly, putting down the offensive oyster and handing me a pretty cream coloured envelope.
Oysters are good for Little Heero. Eat it. -Relena
Contrary to popular thought, oysters were never proven to be an aphrodisiac. The closest scientists had come to explaining this urban myth was that oysters looked vaguely like vaginas.
I didn't want to see Erin Myer's oyster.
And I didn't think Little Heero did either.
I took a moment to ask, just to be sure.
He said no.
While I was talking to my dick, Erin and Aaron seemed to come to a mutual conclusion that we were all missing something fundamental from our Picnic of Looooove and they went off together to purchase it.
Duo hopped over to my blanket, sprawling out and taking over more than the spot Erin had just vacated.
"How's it going?"
I cast a surreptitious glance around me, making sure Aaron and Erin were out of earshot before answering.
"Well, she seems like a nice girl, but... um..."
"If you wanted to date someone who looked like a man, you'd date a man?" He filled in for me. "You want to trade? At least mine's actually a guy."
I stared him down.
"Yeah, okay. I'm not actually sure on that front either and I'd really rather not go in there to verify."
"Are we being shallow?" I asked.
"They don't have sparkling personalities, either," he said with a half-shrug. "Aaron just spent the past five minutes talking to me about Erin."
"His sister, Erin?"
"Yep."
Duo shifted to lean lightly against me. He stared out across the people-dotted lawn, seemingly deep in thought. The orchestra was warming up, children were shrieking with laughter, and lovers were sharing soft, murmured conversations and sweet kisses.
"You think they're weird?"
"Yep," he replied without missing a beat.
"I'm starting to think I don't keep close enough tabs on Relena's social circle."
"I'm inclined to agree," he replied.
We sat in silence for another minute.
"She doesn't have any nice, cute, single friends?" Duo asked.
"Well, most diplomats are well into their fifties and sixties."
Duo suddenly smacked one fist into the other hand. "Peterson Myer!" he exclaimed.
"What?"
"Peterson Myer, the L2 Minister of Tourism. Aaron and Erin must be his kids. I don't know why I didn't see it before, they look just like him!"
"What does his wife look like?" I asked, just to satisfy my morbid curiosity.
He turned to flash me a wicked grin. "Just like him, as a matter of fact. Right down to the mustache."
The two Myers returned just as I was trying not to imagine Erin with facial hair.
"Oh, don't get up," said Aaron as he and his sister traipsed past us. "We'll just take the other blanket."
Duo looked surprised and actually made to offer Erin her spot back.
I managed to snag his pant leg and hold him firmly in place.
Duo definitely deserved some credit for keeping a straight face as I pulled his pants half off. He got bonus points for his discreet method of tugging them back up. All this with a broad smile on his face and only the slightest of blushes staining his cheeks.
"The concert's about to start, I think," Aaron said as he plopped himself onto the other blanket.
Erin nodded and settled herself next to her brother.
If we thought that they were sitting a little too close to each other, neither Duo nor I wanted to mention it.
Halfway through a stunning rendition of Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" (complete with fireworks), Duo freaked out.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" he hissed in a frantic voice.
He was scrabbling at my sleeve, trying to get my attention discreetly, but clearly panicking. He was practically climbing into my lap and I was starting to harbour some concerns about hyperventilation.
"Duo," I tried to hold him still and get his attention, "Duo, breathe. Come on. In. Out. In. Out..." I spoke quietly, trying not to draw attention to our little Situation.
He was still trying to crawl either over me or into me, I wasn't sure, and though he'd managed to start breathing normally again he still seemed a little wide-eyed and distressed.
"I think I saw him touch her ass!" he said, trying valiantly to keep his voice down.
I pulled back to stare at him.
"I think I saw Aaron grope his sister, man!"
I blinked at him.
"I'm serious, Yuy, I didn't mean to look, but I did and there was definite touching! And I mean taking a handful and squeezing!"
I was thankful that the explosive conclusion of the concert covered up Duo's rapidly escalating voice. I only wished it had been loud enough to drown him out completely. If there was one thing I hadn't wanted to hear about my date, it was that she was "involved" with her brother.
"Are you sure?" I asked him, craning my neck to see for myself.
The Myers were sitting awfully close together, Erin tucked firmly against Aaron's side.
And then I saw it too.
He was stroking her ass.
"Holy shit!"
I clapped both hands over my mouth.
My little outburst echoed across the now silent green. Dozens of parents gave me dirty looks. Little children giggled and pointed. Duo was staring at me in wide-eyed shock. And the Myers... the Myers were cuddling on their fluffy little picnic blanket under the big leafy green tree.
As one, Duo and I hurriedly began packing up. We kept exchanging Looks and trying not to laugh out loud at the absurdity of the situation. Making some fake and undoubtedly stilted excuses, we quickly parted ways with the Myers.
Once we were safely ensconced in the cab I quickly phoned one Miss Relena Peacecraft.
"You! Stop setting me up with freaks!"
And then I hung up.
TBC...
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