Author: Sami-pi
Pairings: 1x2 eventually going somewhere, 1 & R friendship
Rating: R (crude language, discussion of sexual situations)
Warnings: my quirky sense of humour? my heero is petulant. just to let you know... O oh, and watch out for the friendly relena... fluff, comedy, get together
Spoilers: well, heero, duo, and relena lived through both wars, okay?
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belong to Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu, and probably others I've forgotten to mention. This fic is not for profit, just for fun.
Beta: trixie
Never Kissed a Girl Part 1
"I have a burning question."
I stopped in my tracks, standing stock-still in the foyer of our third hotel room this week. It was always interesting when Relena Peacecraft prefaced something with that statement. The question that followed was usually completely random. I was constantly surprised by the sheer variety of issues she came up with. I still remember that last time it had been about the nomenclature of chickpeas. But she looked awfully serious today so I didn't think it'd be about legumes.
"Do you, or do you not, masturbate?"
In the ten years that I had been an assassin/terrorist, the five years I'd been a student/trainee and the three years that I'd been a personal bodyguard to the Vice Foreign Minister of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation, I didn't think I'd ever been as surprised as I was at that moment. I honestly thought that my heart had stopped.
"I mean, honestly, Heero," she took off her blazer and threw it carelessly over the chair, "this goodwill tour has you on the job twenty-four hours a day. We're sharing a room, for heaven's sake, not even a suite but a room. And you know, I haven't seen any hint of..." here she paused to make some vague hand gestures as she toed off her pumps and shimmied out of her skirt, "well, 'tension'," she concluded.
I was trying to remember how to breathe.
"Don't you have satisfy your needs? You know, your needs," she said, drawing out the last word.
Of all the questions she'd asked me in the past three years, I think this one took the cake for being the most inappropriate, the most embarrassing, and the one I most wanted to ignore. Yet she pressed on.
"You never take time off. You never--" she stopped to struggle with her pantyhose, "You never shower for more than five minutes, and I know boys are quick to get to the fun, but I don't think you can do that and take care of your hygiene in five minutes..."
I stood, rooted to the floor, still horrified at this one-sided conversation, as she unbuttoned her blouse and tossed it on the ever-growing pile of clothes on the bed.
"So, Heero? Are you okay? Should I be concerned?" she asked, hands on her hips, head cocked to one side.
There was a gorgeous woman standing in front of me, dressed in only a slip, asking me if I jerked off regularly. Nothing in my past experience prepared me for this situation.
"I-- Relena--" I stopped and started several times before I could coordinate my brain and my vocal chords. "I do know what my needs are, and, yes, I do take care of them. There is no cause for concern."
She shrugged and walked over to her suitcase to pull out her pyjamas. They were pink satin with an embroidered crown and monogram over the left breast pocket. I rather liked them and I told her so. She gave me an odd look and asked if I liked pink. It seemed like a loaded question, so I didn't know how to answer her, but I was quite thankful to be off the topic of my penis and its issues.
The truth was that, since leaving adolescence behind, I hadn't thought much about its needs at all. I woke up every morning at 5 a.m., went for a jog, did my thing in the shower, yes, both things (it was indeed entirely possible to accomplish everything in five minutes), and was "on the job" at precisely 6 a.m. when Relena got up. This was my routine and it didn't change, even when we were travelling around the entire Earth Sphere on a "goodwill" tour. I was happy with my routine; it was efficient.
As I was getting into bed though, I had a sudden thought. Sure, I'd mastered my needs, but, to be honest, I wasn't quite sure what my penis' needs actually were.
That rankled. Just a bit.
"Heero?" Relena called out softly. "Are you asleep?"
From my own bed, I could see her silhouette against the pale cream walls, softly illuminated by the hotel-provided nightlight. She was lying face up on her pillow, staring at the ceiling, with both hands clasped to her chest. It didn't look comfortable.
"What's the matter?"
There was a significant pause before she spoke again.
"Well," she said, "Don't hurt me, but, I've got a burning question."
I cursed under my breath. I had a sneaking suspicion about this burning question, and I really did not want to go there.
"What do you--"
"Stop talking!" I cried out, burying my face in my pillow.
She fell silent at my rather uncharacteristic outburst, but I could already tell that this was only going to be a brief respite from the horror. She wasn't about to let this go. However, that didn't mean that I was going to encourage her in any way. I resolved to remain silent if at all possible.
Relena flopped around for a while. She tossed and turned, kicked her blankets to the floor, and then hauled them all back up again. She fluffed up her pillows, only to punch them down seconds later. And she kept making these little huff-y noises that I just knew were attempts to get me to broach the subject myself. But I was wise to her games, and so I grit my teeth, squeezed my eyes shut, and did my best to fall asleep as fast as possible.
Alas, ninmu shippai, as they say. Complete failure.
"Heero!" she whined. "I'm going to have to ask the question. It's driving me mad!"
"No," I responded with a firm tone, hoping against hope to end this travesty of a conversation.
She threw one of her pillows at me.
"Heero," and I could hear that little princess inside her taking over, "I need my eight hours of sleep and I won't be able to get it until I ask you this question. So unless you want to explain to the Prime Minister of France why I'm such a cranky little bitch tomorrow, you're going to have to hear my burning question!"
I listened as her voice escalated alarmingly.
"Relena--"
"And if you don't want me to yell loud enough to bring your backup in here, you're going to answer it!"
I hated Lecavalier, and she knew it. He was all of two years older than I was and he loved to lord it over me. The cocky bastard was always making as though I wasn't capable of doing my job, talking down to me, teasing me about my height, my build. So even though I was Relena's only official bodyguard, and Lecavalier was a just member of the tour's security detail, he had appointed himself my "backup". Eight years ago I would have shot him for looking at me. Tragic how sometimes I missed the war so much it hurt.
After careful consideration, and the memory of the last time Lecavalier had to "rush in to save my ass," I reluctantly acquiesced to Relena's demands.
"What do you think about when you masturbate?"
Just as I had suspected. Damn, but I hated being right sometimes.
Apparently, my mental anguish was taking too long for her Royal Highness, because I heard her suck in a deep breath in preparation to scream bloody murder.
"Why do you want to know?" I blurted out loudly, desperate to a) avoid the original question, and b) prevent her from carrying out her threat.
She swallowed her scream and paused to think about my question.
I liked how she took her burning questions so seriously. No matter what I said in response she would take it and consider it as if it was advice from the greatest scholar or holiest priest. Even if it wasn't strictly an answer to her question.
Tonight, however, my luck seemed to truly run out.
"That's not an answer to my question, Heero. What do you think about when you masturbate? Do you think about women? Men? Dogs? Do you think about them as your sexual partner? Or is it like you're watching a movie? Do you think about people you know?"
"Well, I--DOGS? What do you mean dogs? You are sick, woman."
I groped around for the pillow she'd tossed at me earlier. Finding it, I leapt across the narrow gap between our beds and summarily attacked her with it. She shrieked with laughter as I pummeled her mercilessly. I brought the pillow down again and again, commanding her to take back any aspersions she'd ever cast on my sexual behaviour.
Unfortunately, she was not intimidated and retaliated with her own pillow counterattack. We battled it out for a few minutes, but it looked as though I had the advantage being that she was still trapped under her blankets. I was in the process of burying her when she suddenly went still.
Concerned that I'd accidentally hurt her, I stopped and dug her out of the bedding, shouting her name as my anxiety increased.
"Shh!" she hissed, an urgent tone colouring her voice. "I think I hear someone coming!"
I was instantly alert. I knew who would be coming if there were a ruckus in this room. Just what I didn't need, Lecavalier! I strained to hear his signature shuffle-step.
Relena chose this moment to surge up, blankets in tow, and tackle me to the bed.
Feh, overpowered by my own charge. I could only pray that Lecavalier wasn't really coming.
Once she had me successfully rolled up like a sausage roll, Relena sat on me and repeated her burning question.
I could see that I was going to have to answer her for real or something truly horrible would happen to me. Most likely involving Lecavalier.
"I don't really think about anything," I muttered into the bedding bundled around me.
She looked quite shocked. "Nothing at all?" she asked, incredulous. "But you have to think of something! Don't you? Won't it... not work?"
I squirmed.
"Come on, Heero, be serious. This is a burning question."
"It works just fine!" I snapped at her.
Looking more than a little hurt, she got off me and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed.
"I'm just curious. You don't have to be mean," she said, looking down at her clasped hands. "I never see you have any fun, y'know? And I can't help but feel just a little bit responsible."
I did my best to sit up, still in the blanket tube, and tried to wiggle/worm my way over to her.
"I'm fine. Honest. Everything works, and I'm happy this way," I said with as much conviction as I could muster.
She was still wringing her hands so I flopped onto her lap to stop the nervous gesture. It was easier to make eye contact from this position too. Bonus.
"I swear, I'm good."
There was a brief pause as she digested this information. Then she gave me a quirky little smile, and tried her hardest to shove me off the bed.
It was a good thing I'd been working out so much lately (nothing to do with Lecavalier, incidentally, nothing whatsoever). The extra muscle mass prevented our lovely little PEACEcraft from making me land on my head.
After a bit of good-natured wrestling, we discovered that I couldn't get out of the blanket cocoon. I was well and truly tangled. Relena could not stop laughing. I was rolled over onto my stomach, my face in the sheets, and she was laughing so hard she couldn't help me. Neither of us was getting enough oxygen, and I thought, wouldn't it be interesting to die like this? What a fun crime scene we'd make.
And if I had been praying that Lecavalier wasn't going to walk in on us earlier, I was ready to sacrifice my first born child now.
Just as I was getting to the blackout point, Relena managed to regain enough of her senses to roll me onto my side. I sucked in great gasps of air and that somehow set Relena off again. You know, if I'd really asphyxiated, she would have been sorry.
As it was, we finally settled down to sleep just as we were. I was still tightly wrapped in her blankets, so Relena curled up close to me, tucking her legs under mine. I patted her awkwardly with my chin and wished her goodnight.
I was starting to drop off when Relena spoke: "Heero--"
"I think about men and women, not dogs; sometimes as my sexual partner, sometimes like watching a movie, and yes, sometimes I think about people I know!" I shouted.
There was an awkward little silence.
"Do you ever think about me?" she asked in a quiet voice, her head tucked under my chin.
"Yes. That dark green dress with the puffy sleeves really turns me on."
Her reaction left me in quite a bit of pain.
"If you keep doing that, Relena, it's not going to work anymore. And then there will be cause for concern, and it will be entirely your fault." I had to force the words past gritted teeth.
She chuckled and commanded me to go to sleep.
* * *
The next morning found both my arms feeling very numb and prickly. Apparently, sleeping in a blanket cocoon was not conducive to blood circulation. Relena was practically under me, shivering slightly. I felt bad about hogging all the blankets, although, if my memory served me, this entire situation had been her fault. Still, I tried to untangle myself with alacrity. If she got sick, I'd never hear the end of it.
Unfortunately I only succeeded in elbowing her in the head.
Needless to say that my morning routine of five years was interrupted for the first time that day.
As we were sitting down to breakfast in the hotel restaurant, the requisite five paparazzi hiding amongst the potted palms, Relena seemed to come to a decision. I could tell by that hard glint in her eye and that particular set to her glossy lips. Something big, and likely newsworthy in a bad way, was going to come out of her mouth.
"You need to take time off," she stated clearly in between bites of fruit. "I am officially relieving you of your duty."
I gawked at her.
"Relena, you can't fire me at breakfast," I spoke softly but firmly, trying not to alert the media. "We have to make plans about who will take over and the entire team's schedule will have to be reworked. Be serious. If this is about last night, my penis certainly does not need time off in order to function."
She sighed a heavy sigh and gave me such a pitying look that I wondered if maybe there really was something tragically wrong with me.
"You can't keep ignoring yourself, Heero. For goodness' sake, I've had more action than you and I'm the Vice Foreign Minister with my own paparazzi contingent," she exclaimed, jerking her thumb in the direction of the potted palm.
It was true though. When she was twenty, and holding the title for her first term, she had a torrid affair with her then bodyguard, Brodeur, leading to his "early retirement," and my subsequent employment. Other than him, however, I didn't think she'd had any more "action" than I'd had, and I told her so.
She waved me off and made some nonsensical comment about her private office.
I didn't get it. No one was allowed inside her private office, not even me.
"Anyway, I'm deeply concerned about your manhood. It's not right that it can be so easily satisfied. I'm taking it upon myself to help you...sow your wild oats."
I gave her a blank stare.
She gave me a Significant Look.
"Please tell me you're not--" I began my protest.
"Oh, but I am, Heero. You're young, you're handsome, and I'm sure you're well-endowed. You need to take advantage of this time while you have it. Your penis will thank you, and I guarantee you will be less uptight, which makes me pretty happy, come to think of it. Less anal-retentiveness is always a good thing," she said.
I speared a ring of pineapple and held it up for her inspection. "I'll show you anal retentive," I retorted, and made a rude gesture with the maraschino cherry garnish.
The bright flash of a camera caught me completely unawares. Shit.
Relena just laughed. "Some bodyguard!" she chortled. "Obviously missing your morning routine has thrown you off. Guess that means Little Heero does have something to say!"
I scowled at her but did not want to discuss my penis' issues further in public.
Relena, heedless of the media presence, barreled on. "I will have Genevieve draw up an itinerary for you. Meanwhile, you'll finish up today and we'll have a team meeting with security tonight after the dinner. You will pass off your duties to Lecavalier, and we'll rework the rotation schedule around that. Then you'll pack and we can have you at the airport by 6 a.m. tomorrow morning, I'm sure of it."
She spoke with such confidence and self-assurance that I just agreed automatically.
"Great," she beamed at me; "Genevieve is really well-traveled. She'll know all the hotspots. Now, you say you're attracted to both men and women?"
TBC...
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