Silence Part 19
"Mr. Yuy," says Angelique uncertainly from the doorway. "A gentleman is here to see you."
I look up at her tone. Angelique and Ming have been fiercely protective of our privacy in these last few weeks. My "miraculous" recovery has been human-interest fodder on every news outlet from Earth to the farthest colony. The ENGs are still swarming.
Angelique wouldn't let one of them through the gates, though. I am about to ask, when she says, "It's Mr. Winner."
Quatre! I growl to myself. He has been e-mailing me once a week since my awakening. He has explained himself over and over again. He has begged in the most abject and humiliating ways possible for my forgiveness and I have read and then ignored every plea.
I have had weeks to think about Quatre and Trowa and what they did to my angel. I wanted to kill them both during those first days, in the bloodiest, most painful way I could devise, but I am a parent now. I no longer have the leisure to do whatever I want. My actions and words have meanings to my darling Solo, and I want him to know me as an honorable man, not a vindictive one. But yes, I very much want to talk to Quatre, and this is the perfect opportunity, with Solo in school and Duo at the shop. I will be able to speak my mind.
"Show him in, please, Angelique, and we'll have Darjeeling."
Quatre looks terrible; ashen and ill at ease, but he manages a smile and thanks me for seeing him. He brings flowers (lavender roses and white carnations) and Duo's favorite gourmet chocolates.
"It's nice of you to visit," I say neutrally after Angelique leaves the room.
He looks slightly startled as if he expects something else. "I... Um... Heero... I'm glad to see you..." he stumbles.
"Alive?"
He blushes so red, I wonder if he's going to pass out, but he looks at his teacup, his hands shaking, and recovers himself with difficulty.
"Heero," he begins again, "I'm sorry for doubting you. I'm sorry for not believing in you." I've heard it all before, in his e-mails. He pauses, half expecting me to say something, but I remain silent. "I'm sorry for turning away when Duo needed me..."
"You damn well should be," I mutter, glaring at him from over the rim of my cup. "Trying to get him a date?! Christ, Quatre! Couldn't you wait until I was dead?"
He shudders and I know my anger and derisive words are hurting him.
"I know," he whispers miserably. "I don't know how I could have been so cruel to him. I'm so sorry for hurting him. He's my friend, and I hurt him terribly."
I want to hate him for his actions and for his thoughtlessness, but I find my anger wavering. He's obviously sincere and just as obviously miserable over his mistake. Quatre picks up on the emotions of others so naturally, that we tend to believe that he has some inside track to the truth of every situation. I also realise that he's come to me first because if I can't forgive him, Duo won't.
"What about Trowa?" I ask only because the two are virtually inseparable. To my surprise, Quatre begins to sob, hiding his face in his hands.
"He's gone!" he wails. "We had a... a fight. He... he said he listened to me because he trusted me. Because I always did the right thing. He doesn't know if he can forgive me or himself for what we did," he whimpers.
I should not feel sympathy for the man who nearly drove my husband insane in the name of friendship.
But memories of good times slither around my anger, smoothing the jagged edges, reminding me that no one is perfect and even the best make mistakes in the name of love. And Quatre loves Duo; there is no doubt of that. He may even love me.
Quatre is crying as if his heart will never mend.
All at once, I understand why he did it. In this instance, his empathy has been his downfall. His inability to deal with Duo's emotional pain sent him searching for a way to end it, against all rational thought. He convinced himself that Duo needed to move on, to heal his pain.
A memory nudges my consciousness... Bruised and battered after a battle against some Mobile Dolls, I landed Wing near a lake and promptly passed out. When I awoke, Quatre was with me, holding me warmly, a flask of water to my lips, a caring glow in his blue eyes.
"Quatre," I say aloud, almost before the thought has fully formed in my mind. "I forgive you." He looks up, confusion clouding his face, but no more so than my own startlement. "I understand what happened. I understand that you did what your heart told you was right. Although, in this case you should have listened to your head."
For a moment, he just stares. Then he flings himself at me, crying, "Heero, thank you! Oh, thank you! I swear I will never doubt you again!" And he gives a wail of relief. I can't hold a grudge against Quatre; he's a friend, after all. I hug him, then hold him away from me.
"I won't swear that I'm not still angry," I say quietly as he dabs at his eyes. "But I forgive you, and if we have to talk about it, I won't kill you." I say it with a straight face and he looks uncertain. Then he finds the smile in my eyes and relaxes.
I relax also. This is not what I expected of myself, but it feels right and it IS right and in an odd way, I know that I'm a better person for it.
"Where did Trowa go, Quatre?"
He's still wiping his eyes; for an instant, his face clouds, but he recovers. "I don't know..." he whispers. "He had to think about what we did."
I nod to myself. Trowa has always been quiet and deep; it's nearly impossible to know what he's thinking unless he allows it. The enormity of an error such as this would call for a great deal of thought on Trowa's part. The first place to check will be Catherine's circus. Trowa still likes to perform and to work with the big cats. If he isn't there, I'll check flight reservations, hotels and resorts. I realise with a start that I've slipped automatically into espionage mode. I smirk at myself; another hurdle successfully cleared. I will be able to return to work in the business.
I'm about to tell Quatre this satisfying news when the front door slams and I hear Duo bounding through the hall.
"Heero!" he yells. "There's a bloody huge limo outside! It's not that fuckin' Peacecraft bitch, is it?"
Quatre jumps up, facing the doorway as if awaiting a firing squad. "No," he says clearly. "It's that fuckin' Winner bitch."
Duo checks up sharply at the door, his face livid with fury. "What the hell are you doing here?!" he growls, advancing slowly.
Quatre bows his head. "I came to apologize for my stupidity and for my vile behavior toward you, Duo. I thought I was seeing clearly, but it was only a horrid, evil lie."
Duo surprises me by saying nothing. He's trembling, though, his hands clenching and unclenching and his breathing audibly rattled.
Quatre continues, "I don't expect you to forgive and forget; what I did is too heinous for that. But I hope that someday, eventually, whenever you feel comfortable, we can be friends again. I would like to start over."
Duo is pale as moonlight. "Quatre," he whispers, "you want to be FRIENDS again? God... If I still carried a gun, I'd have shot you on sight."
There will be no instant forgiveness from Shinigami. I didn't live through the same two and a half years that Duo did. My forgiveness comes relatively easy; Duo's will be harder to win.
"I know," says the blond faintly. "And I deserve it. I deserve everything you want to do to me."
"They damn near killed me!" Duo snarls. "I almost wound up in a rubber room, Quatre! They would've taken Solo away from me! They were going to yank all support for Heero! Three lives fucked beyond repair!" His voice is rising, approaching hysteria. "And you have the nerve to come here and say you want to be friends again?! When hell freezes over, Mr. Winner; only then! Now get the fuck out of my house!" He turns and stalks up the stairs, his braid lashing like a whip.
Quatre is crying silently, as much from the intensity of Duo's anger as from any regrets of his own. I get to my feet slowly to touch his shoulder.
"It'll take time, you know that."
"Yes..." He wipes his eyes. "Heero, may I call to see how you're feeling? And how Duo and Solo are?"
"Yes. Or e-mail me. I'll look into Trowa's whereabouts. I'd like to talk to him."
"Oh!" he says in surprise. "You would do that..?"
"Because I remember your kindness and I know you meant well, however misguided."
"Thank you, Heero," he says humbly. And then he bows deeply and kisses my hand.
When he has gone, I head up the stairs to find my Shinigami.
~*~
Duo is sprawled out, naked, on the plush bedspread, eyes resolutely closed. I sit on the bed to tickle the inside of his thigh. He makes an "Erk!" sound, trying not to giggle. I find the magic spot adjacent to his hipbone. He snorts, fingers digging into the spread. He squeezes his eyes even tighter. I lean over very carefully to place a feather-light kiss on the head of his penis.
"Fuck!" he gasps. "Dammit, that's cheating!" he whines.
I grin at him. "All's fair." I stretch out beside him, pulling him into my arms. "Expect the unexpected, you should know that by now."
"Yeah..." He's wrapping himself around me, pushing me back until I'm lying on my back and he's straddling my hips. He leans forward to kiss me. "Why was he here?"
"To apologize."
"And he thinks a quick 'sorry guys' would wipe out the past six months! Oh, please!" He kisses me again, more aggressively.
"He's sorry."
"Yeah. Pretty damn sorry," he mutters, squirming a little atop me. It takes me a few seconds to get my thoughts back on track. My God of Death is an expert at distraction.
"I believe him." He's licking my ear and tugging my tee shirt out of my jeans.
"Why?" He pushes the shirt up to rasp his tongue over my nipple. I hiss; his tongue is rough as a cat's.
"Because," I gasp. "God, stop that!" He laughs, but pauses long enough to let me finish. "Because Quatre has always trusted his feelings. This time he trusted too far."
"You want me to forgive him, don't you," he whispers after a long silence of hard, demanding kisses.
"It would be the healthy thing to do." I'm panting from his aggressive ministrations. He crouches over me, hands clasped above my head, cheek against mine. I run my hands over his back and his perfect ass, debating whether I should take advantage of his enticing position. I decide against it. He's not in the mood.
"I can't do it. Not right now; maybe never. Seeing you every day... Looking into your eyes and seeing only emptiness. Holding you and never being held. Talking and hearing only silence. Looking for comfort and warmth, for someone who wouldn't offer suggestions or advice, but just listen to me vent and hold me and let me cry without censure. Just needing a friend... Someone to trust and talk to."
I've wrapped my arms around his ribs; now I tug on his braid, turning his head so I can see him. Tears smear his face, but he isn't really crying.
"Was I too demanding?" he wonders with a sigh, and answers his own question. "I don't think so. I think I would have been there for them. And Wufei never gave up on us. He never lost faith in you. He was always there for Solo and me."
"I know, baby. I saw how worried he was about you."
He looks at me strangely. "You saw? When was that? He's done nothing but grin and smirk since you woke up."
"At the nursing home. In my room. A few weeks before I 'woke up'." He hisses as his eyes widen in shock; if he had a tail it would be switching madly. I'm glad that dangerous braid is clutched in my hand.
"Heero! You were awake then?! Why didn't you tell me!" he cries. I pull him down beside me where I can wrap him in my arms.
"I couldn't, baby. I tried desperately. I could see you and hear you and smell and taste you --" He blushes! Oh my god! Duo is blushing! "And you tasted so good..." Now he IS crying and my voice is trembling. "I thought I'd lose my mind when you came alone at night. When you came to love me... Duo, my darling; YOU are the one who rescued me! YOU are the one who saved me! It was YOUR strength that brought me back from that cold, lonely hell. I'll NEVER stop loving you!"
With a sob, he grabs my shoulders and pulls me close, and very soon nothing else matters.
~*~
The house is mine today. Solo has gone off to school and Duo is at the shop snapping and snarling and shaking things up as usual. Hilde has threatened to quit three times this week. One of these days she will.
I would have gone to the shop, but Duo is still being fierce about my recovery. I don't like being house bound, but I understand his fears so I'll go along for now.
I have things to occupy my time; records from our business, financial statements, system news to catch up on. I've begun searching for Trowa also. As expected, he is not easy to find.
Catherine hasn't seen him and she's becoming more concerned as each day passes. She tells me something that Quatre didn't. Quatre and Trowa have a child on the way. It will be at term in about two weeks. That explains some of Quatre's grief, but not Trowa's disappearance. Trowa isn't the sort of person to walk out on responsibility. It seems as if this may be a self-healing rift; I hope so.
Wufei has requested a few moments of my time. Duo and I have been trying to get him to the house more often, but he's been making excuses. I fear it has something to do with his deep feelings for Duo. If I know Chang Wufei, he is beating himself up with guilt and debating whether or not to open a vein. If he hadn't called when he did, I would have gone to him.
He is punctual, as always. He shakes my hand and flashes me a grin, but blinks in startlement when I wrap him in a hard hug.
"I was about to ask how you're feeling," he begins in bemusement. "But you seem to be fine."
"Better than fine, Wufei, I'm fantastic!"
"I'm very happy for that," he smiles. "It was a long time, a very difficult time for Duo."
Wufei has developed a fondness for orange pekoe tea with honey. I wait until he is satisfied before beginning.
"For everyone," I amend. "But you never lost hope."
"Me? Why should I?" he says curiously. "You've never failed before and Duo's confidence is always accurate. I was not concerned with you so much as I was with him."
"I know. I wasn't totally unaware of what was going on. There were times when I could hear and see, even though my body seemed dead."
He almost drops his cup. "Heero! My god! You knew what was happening?! Oh, my god..." he breathes, seeing immediately where my thought was headed. "All that trouble..." He looks up. "When they almost poisoned Duo..."
"I heard, I saw. He used to come in the middle of the night and make love to me, did you know that?"
He nods. "You asked me once, a long time ago, to look out for him. I considered it my duty," he mutters as his face colors.
"There were times when it was the only thing that reminded me I was still alive. I heard you arguing with Trowa. And you promised to stand at Duo's side." He swallows; his chin is trembling, he is almost crying. "And I saw your face when you were holding him. Thank you, Chang Wufei, for being my champion, all the while loving him the way you do."
"Heero, I had no intention --!"
I hold up my hand. "Don't apologize, Wufei, I don't mind. I know you're in love with him, and I also know you're an honorable man. Thank you for keeping him safe."
For several long minutes, he can only stare at me. "Does he... does he know?" he asks faintly.
"Not that I'm aware, and you know how bad he is at keeping secrets."
"That's good. I don't want him to ever think that I was... was trying to take your place." He fixes me with a gaze both earnest and pleading. "I wanted to help him get you back, not take your place. I... I love you both too much..." he admits.
"You're an honorable man, Wufei. Your ancestors are proud of you." He seems at a loss for words, as if he can't decide what to say or how to say it.
"I wanted to see you," he says finally, "to tell you that I love him, and that I have no intention of ever allowing him to find out. He loves you; that will never change, but I will be his friend and yours forever."
Impulsively, I lean forward and plant a quick kiss on his cheek. He starts, and "eep"s.
"H-Heero!" he exclaims. "What in the... world..."
I shake my head, grinning at him. "I just felt like it, Wufei. I get a lot of sudden impulses these days. Most of them I act on." He is still amazed, but not angry. "In fact," I lower my voice conspiratorially, "Duo and I had phone sex this morning. With an office full of people."
He begins to laugh. "Heero! I've never known you to be so... so... mischievous."
"Second chance," I shrug. "I won't waste it. Stay to dinner, Wufei. I have an idea I want to discuss with you and a proposal to make, and I'd really like your help."
"Of course, Heero," he replies immediately, though his expression is mystified.
I grin back, feeling even better, if such a thing is possible. Life has only begun... and the silence is over.
OWARI
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