Author: PlaidDragon
Pairings: None
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Humor
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applied.
So, I was bitten by a rabid hamster. This is the result. I don't generally 'do' xmas fics, because they usually end up with 'bah! humbug!' This time... Well... Just remember, that hamster was rabid. O_o
Ho-Ho-Ho
The break-room had been decorated to a fault; tinsel and glitter and swags and odd ornaments here and there. It had begun with the lack of funds in the budget for holiday decorating, so the agents and clerical and support staff had brought in their own bits of holiday cheer. It had grown to the point of spilling out of the room and down the hallway, well on the way to ambushing the elevators.
Tables had been pushed together to make a long buffet filled with real food, side dishes and to-die-for treats. Preventors had been nipping in for a bite here and there all morning. Even the delivery people had been invited to drop in for a cup of gourmet coffee or homemade cookies. Visiting agents from other offices were uniformly green with envy, muttering to each other about how their offices never did anything this cool.
Duo and Heero were just finishing up their lunch and Duo had snagged a take-out clamshell to take some extra fudge and cookies back to their office. Heero dumped their trash and followed Duo out. Wufei had just approached the dessert portion of the buffet and they all waved to each other.
"He's headed straight for the chocolate," Heero chuckled.
"Always," Duo replied with a grin. "Who knew the guy could have such a sweet tooth?"
They snickered over the thought of Chang Wufei on a sugar high. It never showed in his behavior, but his eyes would be vibrating all afternoon and Sally would have to drive him home.
Only a few steps from the elevator, Duo exclaimed in irritation and smacked his forehead. Heero gave him a quizzical look, but accepted the clamshell as Duo spun on his heel and quick stepped back to the party.
"Duo?"
"I forgot to warn Wufei about the ---"
A strangled howl cut him off and both men ran for the break-room.
They found Wufei doubled over next to the table, moaning and holding his face. There was a tiny smear of blood on one hand.
"Call a medic!" Duo yelled and half a dozen cellphones lit up. "Ohmigod, Wufei! I'm so sorry! I meant to warn you! I forgot! C'mon man, let me see." He pried at Wufei's hand, still apologizing. "I know you love those things, man. I meant to tell you earlier, but the Kotsudo thing distracted me. Wufei, let me see! You're bleeding, dammit!"
Heero joined them, grabbing Wufei's arm and forcing it away from his face. "Open your damn mouth, Chang!" And he did. One does not argue with a pissed-off Yuy, not even a mortally wounded Chang.
"What is it?" Duo demanded and scanned the room for any sign of a medic.
Montaigne waved and signaled that they were in the elevator and would be there momentarily.
"Crap," muttered Heero. "It could be a broken tooth. That seems to be where the blood is coming from... Sit down, Wufei. This is more than a band-aid can fix."
Two medics came charging into the break-room, zeroing in on the cluster of agents in front of the buffet, and clearing a path by forward motion alone.
"A broken tooth?!" exclaimed Duo. "Aw, man; dammit, 'Fei, I should have caught you..."
Between removing Heero's fingers from his mouth and having the medic's fingers rudely inserted, Wufei managed to croak out, "What the hell, Maxwell?!"
Duo wrung his hands anxiously. "The chocolate-covered candy canes," he breathed. "*She* sent them."
"*Wha?!* I fout se wa banned!" he raged around the fingers.
"She promised Une no more cookies. I guess she made chocolate-covered candy canes instead," Duo said miserably. "I am so sorry, man."
The medics hoisted Wufei to his feet and hustled him out of the room. Everyone watched them go and then turned as one to stare at the plate of delicious-looking chocolate-dipped candy-canes. One of the clerks picked up the plate and dumped the things into the nearest trash bin.
Heero sighed. "It's a broken tooth. He's gonna need a root canal."
Duo sighed. "Rock, paper, gundam, scissors for who gets to call Sally."
"Go."
~*~
"I notice Wufei hasn't gotten near the chocolate this year."
"Do you blame him? After last year?"
"No. But I am a little surprised that he's even daring the sugar zone at all."
"She was forbidden to send anything that was covered in anything else."
"Ah. I'm still wondering why Une is allowing it."
"Publicity. I was talking to Relena a few days ago and she says it's because the show is so damn popular. Can't be publicly dissing the Candy Queen slash Empress of the Oven, now can we?"
"Oh, of course not! So what's her poison this year? You know, so I can avoid it."
"It's the taffy. There were promos running for that episode last week. Apparently, it's hand made."
"Well, at least it isn't chocolate."
"Yeah. Wait... Oh crap! Not again!"
"Wufei, what happened?!"
"Get your hand out of your mouth!"
"My cron! My cron! It puhd my cron off!"
"My turn to call Sally."
"Shit. Sorry Chang. Comstock, get rid of the taffy, please. Yeah, it's apparently the extra, extra sticky kind."
"C'mon, 'Fei; I'll walk you down to Medical while I call Sally."
"Tis the season, dammit..."
~*~
"You swear there's no candy from her this year? You're *positive*?"
Duo sighed. "I swear on my Gundam's grave, Wufei; there is nothing even remotely candy-like from her this year. Relena had a little talk with her last year and she's switched to baking."
"Cookies?" Wufei demanded suspiciously.
"No, those are still banned," Heero reassured him. "She made fruit cakes. Over there."
"They look like Reese's cups..."
"They're bite-sized, so folks can try all the varieties. Some special recipe she made up herself."
"Fruitcakes come in different flavors?"
"Apparently so. I tried the pumpkin and the cinnamon apple and they were fine," Heero reassured him.
"There's lemon poppy, orange spice, zucchini, plum and at least a few I didn't taste," Duo offered helpfully.
"They should be safe."
"Hm... They do look attractive... Maybe I'll try one or two. Cake can't possibly damage a tooth."
"If you're worried, you can just slice it up and lick up the crumbs."
"Like I would ever do something like that!"
~*~
"Heero, you're back! How's Wufei doing?"
"Better. He's finally stopped threatening to slice her to bits and puree the bits, in between trying to phone Treize Kushrenada with his shoe. He's mostly just playing with his fingers and giggling a lot."
"I took care of the rest of them. The lab is having a field day."
"They aren't eating them, I hope?"
"No. Just running the tests and snickering like a bunch of ten-year olds."
"I told Sally to hide his weapons before he gets home. She said she may use them herself."
"Oh yeah? Huh. My money's on Po, if it comes to a cage match."
"Same here. Who would ever have imagined that anyone would have the brass balls to ship a box of 'seasoned' fruit cakes to the Preventors?"
"Heh, 'seasoned'. I like that, Heero."
"It sounds better than admitting that half the agents and staff in this office are high as kites."
"I'm not."
"You're a special case."
"You're not."
"I'm paranoid."
"And aren't we glad of that!"
~*~
"What in the hell is that?!"
"I do not... know... Trowa?"
"The mailroom clerk was instructed to just hang all the cards generically addressed to the Preventors."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"You're joking."
"Afraid not."
"We told you about all this last year!"
"And you accused us of exaggerating."
"Or of being stoned."
"I apologize; I should have known you would never tell such obviously ridiculous tales."
"Has Une seen this one?"
"She's in Bordeaux this week."
"Oh my..."
"No shit."
"I'm surprised the State of Catalan hasn't sued her for... something."
"They tried, last year. It was tossed out."
"Damn."
"Yeah."
"The eyes... kind of follow you."
"Some of them..."
"Is that... a llama?"
"God, I hope not!"
"You know... I kinda feel like going home early today..."
"Same here."
"Me too."
"Not without me, sweetums."
"Assholes. I've got the damn duty all day!"
"There's always Sally's office..."
"It does have a lock on the door."
"I always knew that Catalonia woman was nuts..."
OWARI
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