This is Duo's part again. I went back to the other and added some stuff after the email, so I included that part too. but it goes past the hair-washing scene, that I can promise!
I am so tempted to actually write a fic about Quatre's damn costume party...
Duo POV Part 2
Out of my Head Part 6
What have I done?
My chest hurts. I made Heero think that I hated him. I made him think that I wasn't happy with him.
I made him think that he had to change for me. I didn't want him to change, not really... did I? I just wanted to spend more time with him...
Had I ever told him that? I didn't think I had. What else had I never told him? I had told him that I loved him- but when I think about it, that phrase has become something that I use on my way out- 'love ya, babe' doesn't really count, I guess. Had I told him that I was happy with him? That I appreciated all the things he did for me?
I'd call myself names but I can't think of any harsh enough. If my stupid legs weren't pinned I'd toss myself out that window.
I'm the one who's not good enough for him. I never have been. A better person would've shown Heero that he was loved and valued... but street scum that I am all I did was make him feel worthless.
"Duo?" There's a hand on my hair. I turn and look up at Trowa. "You okay?"
"No," I tell him.
"Do you need more meds? Do your legs hurt?"
"I wish they would hurt more." Trowa is frowning.
"Duo?"
"Heero's leaving me. He was going to leave last night, but he didn't..."
"Heero's leaving?" Trowa blinks. "Duo- how much stuff did you take?"
I pick up the laptop and shove it at him. I watch him read the email, watch as understanding dawns on his face.
"Oh Duo..." He puts the laptop on the tray next to the bed and reaches out to me. I don't deserve his comfort. "You can talk to him about it when he gets here."
That makes me look at the clock. It's 9:05. Visiting hours start at 9. Heero should be here. He's always on time.
Maybe he decided to leave after all... my heart starts pounding faster.
I pick up the phone next to the bed and dial our house.
No answer. I listen to the phone ring, listen to our outgoing message. Hang up and try again. And again. And again.
"He left already..." It's a whimper, but I don't care.
Trowa takes the phone away from me. "I'll go over there, okay?"
I nod. "Okay."
"Call me if he shows up here. He may be on his way after all."
He leaves and I sit watching the door. Please Heero. You said you'd be back this morning. Please walk through that door and I'll prove to you that I don't hate you. I'll show you that I love you. Please. Please. Please...
A doctor comes in and examines my legs. I answer his questions on autopilot, my eyes on the door. He leaves after a few minutes.
The phone rings and I snatch it up. It's Trowa.
"He's here. He overslept. I tossed him towards the shower and then we'll on our way, okay?"
"Okay."
"He was really upset that he slept through your calls. Don't worry. We'll be there soon." I hang up the phone and my eyes fall on the laptop. Heero can't know that I've seen his email. He can't know that I know that he planned to leave. He might see that as an excuse to leave me now. He might see it as an excuse not to believe me when I tell him that I need him to stay with me.
I pull the tray over to me; mark the message as unread and close down the laptop. Then I resume staring at the door. Please. Please....
The door opens and Sally walks in. "Good news! You get to go home today!" As she gets closer to the bed she starts to frown. "Duo, you look like crap." She walks over and reaches for my wrist. "Did you get any sleep? Are you in pain? You need to tell the nurses so they can give you more meds..."
She reaches for the nurse call bell and I stop her. "Not yet, Sally, please. I need to be all here when Heero comes. Please?"
"Heero will understand..."
"No." I look her in the eyes. "I heard him talking to you last night and I couldn't say anything because of the drugs... I want to talk to him today, please Sally?"
Her eyes soften. "All right. He's being an idiot Duo."
"No," I whisper, my eyes on the door. "I was. But I won't do it again."
Then the door opens and Heero comes in. I reach out a hand to him automatically, and then nearly pull it back. What if he doesn't take it?
Heero's hand wraps around mine and I pull him close to me. I don't want to let go. He tries to pause at the chair, but I want him closer. I need him closer.
He sits down on the edge of the bed; close enough so that I can feel his warmth.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't here. I just couldn't fall asleep last night. I didn't get to sleep until this morning and I didn't mean to oversleep. I didn't even hear the phone ring..." Why couldn't he fall asleep? Did he miss me or was he packing up his stuff?
I need him closer. I reach out and pull him towards me, hoping that he lets me do this, hoping that he won't pull away.
He kisses me back, and a small hope flares in my chest.
"Duo? How are you feeling this morning?" He sounds anxious and I realize I haven't said anything to him yet.
"I'm okay, I hurt a little." I tell him. "The doctors said I can go home today if I'm careful." Will you let me go home? Will you be there too?
"What do we have to do to prove to them you'll be careful? I'm sure you'd rather be home. Is there a way I have to have it set up for you? Tell them I'm going to take care of you?"
Relief floods me. He's staying- at least for a bit. I have time. Time to convince Heero that I love him. I kiss him again, and he leans into me. I try and move my leg out of the way so I can pull him closer, but the sudden burst of pain makes me realize something... he's going to have to help me out a lot. Damn.
"I don't want to be a bother..." I tell him. I could stay in the hospital longer somehow so that Heero wouldn't have to go through the trouble. Or I could go to Quatre's... Heero smiles.
"You aren't. Should I go find your doctor?"
"He'll be here soon I'm sure." I don't want him out of my sight. "Stay here?" I beg.
"Of course," He reaches out and brushes a hand through my bangs. I have to be able to make him stay. He must still care for me a little- why else would he touch me like this? "Do you have a brush here? I should've grabbed one. I can redo this for you..."
"I don't know." He stands up and returns in a moment with a comb.
I watch him as he combs my hair out for me, his hands gentle. It's been a long time since he's done this for me. He smiles when he catches my eye, but most of the time his eyes are on my hair.
I want to say something. I want to talk to him and clear the air between us- but what if it makes him go? What if he wants to go?
Sally returns, smiling and tells us that we can go home. I'm not really paying close attention to her. I'm still watching Heero. Does he look upset? Was that a frown line on his forehead or is he worried?
It's not until the nurse comes in with the paperwork that I manage to focus on what's going on.
"You'll need a pain pill." She tells me. "I'll get you one."
"No, thank you. I'll be okay." I'm tired but I don't want to fall asleep again. Or worse, go back to that drifting state.
"Duo," Heero is frowning now. "The car ride is going to be painful if you don't take one."
"I'm really okay. I don't need one." He frowns at me and turns to the nurse.
"Get him one."
He leans over the bed and touches my cheek. "Duo, you need one. Please? For me?"
I want to protest. What if he leaves after than damn thing puts me to sleep? I won't be able to stop him.
He kisses the corner of my eye and then my mouth. "Please? You need the rest. I'll handle everything. Trust me." How can he act normally? Last night he said I hated him, said he was leaving... how can he sit next to me and kiss me now? Was it just a mood he was going through? A phase?
I wish I didn't hurt so much. I wish I could think clearly...
"Duo? Please? So I can take you home without hurting you?"
I don't think that's possible now. I don't think the pills will help the pain Heero's given me. But he's worried and stressed... I can do this for him.
"All right." I accept the paper cup from the nurse.
The car ride is a blur, thanks to that stupid pill. Heero carries me up the stairs, his arms tight around me, and I don't want him to let go.
Before I slip under completely, I ask him to stay with me. He says he will.
The dream is awful, a mess of metal and blood and glass... and Heero's body in that twisted up metal, his eyes open and glazed, glaring at me, accusing me of forcing him to go to his death.
I wake up, reaching for him and there is only empty space. No. No!
"HEERO!" I have to find him- I swing my legs over the side of the bed, and pain blooms, darkening my vision and making me shake all at once.
And then he's in front of me, and I can see the worry on his face. Is this a dream? Was the other real?
"Duo, what are you doing?" His hands grab my shoulders.
He's really here. "Heero." This isn't a dream- but my head is still swimming. It's hard to focus. "There you are."
Sally is standing behind him and Heero is saying something to me- something about needing more rest. I can't focus on his words too well. I just let the sound of his voice soothe the nightmare away.
"You'll be back here soon?" I ask. Sally answers me. She'll make sure he doesn't leave. She knows that I need him. I close my eyes. I can hear the sound of their voices in the other room.
I can't go to sleep yet. Heero's not here.
I hear a door close. The panic flares again. "Heero?" Please answer me...
He does. He reappears and curls up beside me. "Will you stay this time?" I ask.
"Yes, I'm sorry. I had some things to do for you..." Heero always has things to do for me. I never do much for him.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble," I apologize. How many times had I said that to Father Maxwell and Sister Helen?
They still left me. Maybe everyone is supposed to. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone...
"Duo, relax," Heero's hands play with my braid. ""I want to help you. I don't mind doing things for you. You need to sleep. Will you please get some rest?"
"Will you stay?" I sound pathetic, but I don't care.
"I'll be right here."
"I love you so much." I manage before the darkness pulls me under again.
When I wake up again, my head feels much clearer. I really hate those pills.
I wasn't free of them yet, though. When Heero woke up, he made me a bit more comfortable, but he also insisted that I take another pill.
I wanted to refuse, but he wanted me to take them. I barely remember throwing myself out of bed after him before when all he was doing was talking to Sally. He has things he needs to get done without worrying about me. Like calling Trowa. So I take the pill.
When I wake up again, Heero is curled up on my shoulder, secure in the curve of my arm. The pain in my legs has faded a little and the drugs are gone completely. I'm achy and sore, but that's okay. My head is clear again.
I let my fingers brush his skin; enjoy the feeling of his warmth against me. I don't want to lose this.
Heero should let me stay awake for a little bit today- maybe I can even convince him to ask Sally for different pills. I need to find someway of talking to him about what's wrong without letting him know that I know. Earlier when I said something in that little bit of awake time, he had accused me of talking to Sally.
Sally hadn't told me anything, I had told her- but it was too close all the same. Heero's expression had gotten so dark... If he finds out that I know he was planning to leave, then he will leave. I won't be able to convince him to stay- not like this.
I look down at my splinted shins. Damn it. If I wasn't immobilized I could just tie the damn man down to the bed and make him listen to me.
That sends my thoughts off on another tangent- how long has it been since I've tied him down to the bed? Since we've made love in any place other than our bed? Once we could barely keep our hands off each other... now, I'm trying to remember the last time we made love- a week ago? Maybe two?
Is that why Heero thinks I don't want him anymore?
Or has he stopped encouraging it because he was leaving? How long has he been planning to go?
I need to stop dithering and get to work.
I brush the tip of my braid over Heero's nose. His face scrunches up and his hand comes up to bat the braid away. I dodge his hand and keep at it.
His eyes blink open slowly and I smile for him. "Good morning! You are a hard man to wake up." I tell him and he looks guilty. Damn, I suck at this.
"I'm sorry," he starts to apologize, before I can tell him that it doesn't matter, he jumps right to the next thing: "Do you hurt?"
I do, but hell if I'm taking another one of those pills. I smile wider.
"Nope," He raises an eyebrow and I temporize a bit: "I'm feeling good today- well except for the leg pain thing. Take your time."
He rolls his eyes at me; apparently that was not the answer he wanted. My head itches and I reach up to scratch it, an idea forming. "And the hair thing." I add. "I don't suppose we could find a way to wash it?"
Preferably together?
"Let me think about that." Heero looks at my hair, frowning. I realize it's going to be a major task. "Hm. Maybe. Let's do all the other stuff first. Do you need a pill?'
"Not yet, I just woke up." I protest. I realize telling Heero that I'm not planning to take another one ever is probably not going to fly well.
However, as Heero's frown increases a bit more, I realize that he has already guessed I'm going to be difficult about this.
"We'll talk to the doctor about that, okay?" He slides out of bed, and I sigh in relief. Won that one. "Breakfast?"
"Please." Heero grabs his shorts and exits, his mind whirling with plans I'm sure. As long as he doesn't sneak the pills into my breakfast, then it's okay.
He goes in and out for a bit- helping me get more comfortable, bringing me an apparently drug-free breakfast, carrying towels around. I on the other had, am stuck here watching him. Why couldn't I have broken an arm? Why both legs? When he's not here, I'm left to look at the blank walls. We should've put some pictures up.
I mention this to Heero when he walks back into the room after being gone for nearly ten minutes.
"We couldn't agree on any," he tells me as he picks me up from the bed. Where are we going? "Don't you remember? We went to all those poster shops and the only ones we both liked are the two in the kitchen."
The two in the kitchen were mountain scenes. Heero thought they were okay, but for some weird reason he'd liked the ocean prints better.
"I should've gone with those ocean prints you liked." I told him.
"You said they gave you the creeps." He reminds me in a slightly frosty tone. Great. Has he saved up every disagreement of ours in that mind of his? I won't have a chance...
"They reminded me of all of our lovely times by the ocean. None of which were pleasant." You know, the ones when I either shot you or watched you plummet to what looked like your death. Those times...
Heero doesn't respond to that as he carries me into the bathroom. The floor is covered in towels. I think it's a bit overkill, but it will work.
Heero sets me down next to the tub. "You might get a crick in your neck." He warns me.
"Having clean hair will be worth it," I undo my braid and feel my shoulders start to ache. Damn, forgot I got a bit banged up there too. Reaching up to wash my hair is going to hurt like hell. I pull off my shirt and try to suppress the wince that follows.
"Just lean back and let me do this, okay?" Heero says from his place beside me on the floor.
I put my head back on the towels. The guilty feeling is back again. I can't be this helpless for six weeks. Even if Heero wasn't planning to leave, six weeks of taking care of me like this would drive him away for sure.
I begin to slide into depression when Heero yanks my hair- not once but twice in a minute. I twist my head to look at him. He is bent at a funny angle trying to get the shampoo in my hair.
"Sorry," he says, and puts his leg over my lap. He leans forward until my nose is practically touching his chest and starts to rub the shampoo in.
Oh... now this brings some memories back. I glance down. Heero is still only wearing his shorts. His short shorts- the kind that ride up a bit... and they are showing quite a bit of his thighs.
I have to touch, just a little, just under the edge of the shorts. Heero shivers... I remember that shiver very well. If I can still make him shiver...hmm... maybe this way will work....
I look up to find him looking wide-eyed at me. "I like these shorts," I tell him, letting my fingers wander a little further up.
"Duo... you're injured. Remember?" Oh, but you aren't lover, I think gleefully.
"My legs are broken, but nothing else is." I point out. "Besides, how can I resist? You're half naked, slightly damp..." His chest is so close, it's easy to taste it- just a bit.
"Try," he says and begins scrubbing my hair a bit harder. I know this tactic too.
"These shorts remind me of something..." I let my voice trail off, let my fingers wander a bit higher. I want him to remember the night I'm thinking of, remember how good it could be between us.
"Do they?" He sounds distracted. Good.
"Remember two years after the war on Halloween when Quatre threw that Literary Masquerade ball?"
"I don't think I will ever forget it," he sighs. I know I'll never forget it either, but not because it was a great party...
"I know I won't. You looked so damn hot." So hot I'd been unable to keep my hands off of him at all.
"I was so damn embarrassed. That was the last time I was stupid enough to bet on cards while playing against you."
That's right. That was how I even got him to agree to the costume. At that point I had just wanted to be funny, I hadn't realized what effect that outfit would have on me.
"I cheated," I confess and to my delight, his body relaxes against mine. It makes me laugh in relief.
"I figured that out later. I wanted to go as Holmes and Watson..." I knew he would, Heero loves those old stories.
"But you lost..." I remind him. "You looked gorgeous as Little Red Riding Hood though..." And he had. The skirt and stockings had left just that little bit of leg uncovered... I'd had to scare off several would-be wolves that night.
Not that he couldn't have done it on his own. Heero has a glare that could melt metal at 20 feet. But I like being possessive about him. He used to like it too- I wonder if he still does.
"And you were a perfect Big Bad Wolf." He's smiling now. That's right- remember the good times with me!
"And that skirt Relena found for you..." I remind him. Relena had suggested the costumes in the first place. She had been pushing all of us towards a fairy tale theme. She'd even tricked Dorothy into a Wicked Witch costume.
"You still never told me how you talked her into helping you..."
"It was her idea. Skirts really do allow for easy access..." I let my fingers slide higher. Oh, they did. Very easy as I discovered that night- several times in several places... Quatre's garden, our kitchen table...
The memory of Heero straddling my lap in almost exactly this position makes my blood rush through my veins a bit faster.
"I remember," he blushes and wriggles for a moment as I let my fingers scoot higher. Oh, he remembers it very well apparently!
"Stop that." His voice gets cold again. Damn it. "Injury, remember?"
"I can't help it," I tell him, upset that he's slipping away again. "I always want you. Just like I always need you. Don't you need me?" Oops. That's pushing it a bit.
His eyes widen a little and I decide: to hell with it.
"Do you need me Heero? I sometimes think that you wouldn't care if I packed up and left..." I wait for a moment, but he doesn't say anything. "Would you care? Do you need me?"
His hands are tangled in my hair, his face tilted down to look at mine, and I see something that makes me want to whoop with delight.
Longing. Desire. The same look he used to give me during the war. The look that I couldn't figure out for ages. I never thought Heero would look at me with any kind of wanting, so when he did, I missed it at first.
I'm not missing it now. Hope flares in my chest at that look. It flares higher at his next words:
"Yes, more than anything," he tells me. "But, Duo- I want you to be happy, and..."
The phone rings. Heero stops talking and I curse whoever is on the other end.
He scrambles up to his feet and dashes away.
Damn it.
He grabs the line in the bedroom and I can just hear him over the water behind me.
"Yuy.... Trowa?... WHAT?... Yes, yes.... We'll be there."
Heero is back a moment later and I can tell from his face that it is not good news.
"Quatre?" I ask.
"We have to go to the hospital."
He quickly rinses my hair, stepping into the bathtub to do it, and then he's helping me get dressed, pulling off his damp shorts, pulling on dry clothes and then picking me up in his arms to take me down to the car.
"I'm sorry we don't have a wheelchair yet," he apologizes.
"It's okay. I'm sure the hospital will have several." What did Trowa say?
He places me carefully in the backseat despite his hurry.
"What is it? What's happening?" I ask him as we leave the parking lot.
"I'm not really sure." He runs a hand through his hair, frowning. "Trowa said there's some kind of crisis with Quatre. Sally called him and told him to be there right away."
He gives me a quick worried glance over his shoulder. "We... we might be going to say goodbye."
I close my eyes. No. Not Quatre. Not my friend- my brother...
Heero takes a corner a bit fast and one of my legs bumps the back of the seat. I hiss in pain before I realize it and Heero gives me a guilty look.
"I should've given you a pill...."
"Then I would be asleep through this," I point out. "It's okay Heero. I'm fine. Just get us there."
Heero takes me out of the car carefully when we get there. He wants to find a wheelchair for me first, but I protest. Getting to Quatre is the priority now.
Heero carries me carefully and quickly through the halls. We draw some curious stares, but that's it.
We reach Quatre's room and I feel Heero take a deep breath. I reach out and open the door for us.
Sally is there at the foot of the bed. She is the only person in the room except for the too-still form of Quatre on the bed. She turns and looks at us.
Heero steps in and Sally comes to meet us. "Put Duo in the chair. Didn't you get a wheelchair?" She demands in a very soft voice.
We didn't know how much time we had." Heero explains as he sets me down in a chair and then pulls another one close to prop my legs up on.
"I wish I could say. We can't find anything wrong with him. He's just fading..."
"Where are the others?"
"Trowa is bringing Wufei. I'm not sure who else is coming..."
I look at Quatre. He looks like he's sleeping. He's connected to dozens of machines and I think that the beep on the heart monitor sounds slower than it should.
I want to lean over his ear and ask him what the hell he thinks he's doing. Trowa and Wufei need him. Heero and I need him. His sisters, Rashid and the others...
The door opens again and Trowa and Wufei come in. Wufei has a bandage on his forehead and a few others poking out of the top of his shirt. He's pale and shaking. He goes and stands beside the bed, looking down at Quatre.
Sally goes to stand beside him, her hand on his shoulder.
Trowa stands by the door, leaning against the frame and I wonder why he hasn't moved.
To my great surprise, Heero steps closer to him, reaching out a hand.
I've never seen Heero offer comfort to any of the others. I wonder what Trowa will do...
Trowa grabs a hold of Heero tightly. I can hear the soft rise and fall of his voice, something like "promised! Was supposed to be okay!"
Heero just puts his arms around Trowa for a moment, and then walks him over to Wufei. He turns Trowa over to Fei and then returns to my side.
We sit there in the silence for a moment, and I realize what's wrong.
I yank on Heero's sleeve. "Pick me up." I demand in my normal tone of voice. He blinks, but does as I ask. "I need to be near Quatre."
We move closer to the bed and I lean out of Heero's embrace and grab Quatre's hand, careful of the tubes.
"Quatre," I raise my voice even louder. "You know we're here. Why are you making us worry like this?" I squeeze his hand. "We're all okay. Your idiots are worried about you though. You know they'd be lost without you, so wake your damn ass up."
Wufei looks like he's ready to hit me. Trowa is staring. Sally looks amused.
The heart monitor picks up the pace a bit and I feel Heero's arms squeeze me. I look at the other two. "Talk to him! Tell him you want him back. Tell him you're not mad. Tell him you're okay."
I know Fei hasn't been here and I would bet that Trowa has been silently sitting beside Quatre's bed, wallowing in guilt. For some reason, I know that Quatre needs to hear them, that he needs to hear how much they need him.
Wufei and Trowa lean over the bed, voices falling over each other and Heero pulls me a little away. His arms are tight around me. "Good job." He murmurs in my ear, exultant.
As I watch color creep back into Quatre's face, I feel the same way. "Just proves that communication is the key to any good relationship."
Heero's arms tighten a little bit more and I see a flush rise in his face.
I wonder if now is a good time to push him again...?
TBC...
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