Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2; ref. to 3x4 and past 4x2 & 5x2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Yaoi, post war-ness, pilot schism, angst, sap.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
A while ago I wrote a story for a Vault contest. The story was called New Life and it was different for me, mostly because it had past 2x4 and 2x5 relationships mentioned before I got to that 1x2x1 thing. Oh- and the other pilots were right bastards. That was also different. Right after I wrote it I felt really bad- mostly cause of the right bastard thing, and so I had this bunny pop up and nag at me. It didn't work out quite like I wanted, because nothing got very resolved but some people did apologize and Heero is now reassured, so I am dumping the fic here and calling it finished. :P
New Life Part 2
We were at the outdoor market that they held in the summertime a little ways out of the city. Heero had declared a random day off for us, since we'd been working really hard to finish up a few contracts, and now that we had, we were going to rest.
Or so my lover declared. I wasn't planning on doing too much resting, not after watching him peruse the stalls this morning, sunlight glinting on his hair, mouth curved in that tempting half-smile, listening to him talk to the stall keepers.
He had changed so much after the war that I couldn't believe it at times. The stoic soldier had vanished almost completely, and I was glad of it. I had liked the soldier, but I loved the man.
Heero was examining a bag of oranges, talking to the stall keeper about juices, making the older lady dimple with pleasure over being consulted for her opinion.
I let my eyes wander away from him for a moment and froze. What were they doing here?
Quatre and Trowa were across the aisle from me, only a stall or so away, looking at a display of honey.
I resolutely shifted my gaze back to Heero, letting the sight of him calm me, knowing too that staring at someone was the fastest way of getting yourself noticed.
Not that it mattered. I doubted that they would talk to me even if they did see me. After all, both of them had perfected the art of walking by me as if I was invisible back when I was still with the Preventers.
But they might try and talk to Heero. Despite the fact that he had told Trowa that he was sticking with me no matter what, I have to admit to being a little bit afraid of them trying to talk him out of being with me.
I wrapped the handle of my shopping bag around my wrist, palms suddenly sweaty as I remembered that phone call I had overheard between Heero and Trowa.
Make that a lot afraid.
I know they tried hard to get him to throw me out when we were just roommates. I knew that he didn't listen to them, that he had tried to stay neutral there until the end. I hadn't minded him staying neutral- at the time I thought that was his reason for letting me stay.
A part of me still couldn't believe that he'd chosen me over them, that he wouldn't someday come to his senses and kick me out.
Heero was paying for the oranges now. Terrific. I'd just take his arm and make sure we headed in the opposite direction of those two...
I risked a quick glance around to ascertain their position.
Crap. They were closer now, at a stall right across the way from ours.
But their backs were to us. We could get away.
"Duo, relax."
I turned my head and blinked at my lover.
"What?"
Heero added the oranges to the bag he carried. "I saw them too. Relax. I doubt they want to cause a scene here. They won't talk to us."
"I don't know why they're here..."
"It is the only farmers market near the city," Heero pointed out as he led us away from the booth. "I daresay they're here for the same reason we are. I will not let them ruin my day." He smiled at me. "Okay?"
"Okay," I agreed, even as I wished that we could just go home.
Heero moved us quickly down the aisle, and in a moment or two, they were lost to sight.
I took in a deep breath, calming myself. Heero patted my elbow.
"Want an iced coffee?" He asked, indicating a stall with a few small tables around it.
"Sure," I wouldn't object to sitting for a moment either. I was still a little shaky. I let my eyes scan the crowd around us. No sign of them...
Heero deposited the bags and me at a table and went to get the coffee.
I watched Heero as he stood in line and wondered at my luck. Back when I had first met him during the war, I had wanted him- but I had assumed he wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing. Back then he probably hadn't been. Quatre had found himself in the same kind of situation with Trowa- so we had turned to each other. Not often, and not anything that I would call a relationship, but it was enough to keep us going.
After the war ended, Quatre managed to get through to Trowa and I had taken up with Chang.
That, as Heero had said, was a mistake from the beginning. Opposites may attract, but we were too opposite. We had more fights than regular conversations- and he was obsessed with his honor and the way that others regarded him. I wasn't allowed to touch him- even a friendly pat on the shoulder!- when other people were around, even if we were in our own apartment.
I felt like he was ashamed of me, and I think in a way he was- I can't put my finger on it exactly- if it was my personality, or my past or what... but I felt like I could never do anything without thinking about what he would think of it- if it would make him upset with me... and there were lots of things that made him upset...
Yet, at the same time, he could be unbelievably jealous. Anyone I talked to, he thought I was flirting with. He hated it when I met Heero for lunch or when I called Hilde on the phone.
Then when he caught me comforting Sally after she lost a patient and accused me of trying to seduce her- I blew up. I told him that I felt like I was living with a jailor. I told him he was too obsessed with preserving his honor than being with me, and I told him I was tired of doing what he expected me to do.
I don't remember half the stuff I said, I just know that it all poured out of me, a river of resentment that I didn't know I had- and once I finished.... he went after me with his katana.
He chased me around the offices, screaming at the top of his voice- destroying things in his path... it had been like a scene from a nightmare... then he cornered me.
If Sally hadn't grabbed him- I think he might have killed me.
I let my hand touch the scar on my throat. Heero turned around in line and glanced at me. I saw the worry on his face as he looked at my hand on my throat... he knows me so well. I dropped my hand and gave him a reassuring smile.
Sally had slapped Wufei across the face and I think the shock was enough to snap him out of the murderous rage he'd been in.
He had approached me, apologetic- and I think even frightened in a way- but I couldn't let him touch me again.
Solo and I had once helped out a girl we'd found on the street. She had been badly beaten- by her husband. In spite of our objections, she'd gone back a week later and he'd killed her. We'd buried her, and I never forgot the lesson she taught me.
Never stay with the ones that hurt you.
I had felt my blood soaking into my collar and I remembered that girl.
So I ran. Out of the Preventers offices and down to the car.
I went to Heero.
Heero, who bandaged the wound on my throat and made me go lie down on his bed while he drove to the apartment I shared with Wufei and picked up all of my clothes.
Heero, who told me that I could stay with him as long as I wanted.
Heero, who refused to throw me out despite the other three trying to persuade him to do so.
Heero, who invited me to come and work with him after I quit the Preventers, who moved us into a house that overlooked the city, far away from the memories that I wanted to avoid.
Heero, who gave his heart into my keeping and trusted me with his soul.
Heero, who was now standing by the table, worry in his eyes as he placed the drink in front of me.
"Duo- you okay?"
I smiled for him. "I'm okay. Just thinking..."
He sat down across from me, put his own iced coffee on the table in front of him and reached out to touch my hand.
"Need to talk?"
"Maybe later." I took a sip of the coffee. "So, what was that lady telling you to mix with the orange juice?"
He smiled, accepting my subject change, and started talking about the juices he planned to make.
I drank my coffee and just enjoyed his presence across the table from me. Heero had been my friend for years, my lover for less than one, but it seemed like longer, like he'd always been here in my life in this role...
Maybe he had been and I hadn't realized it. Maybe that's why I fled to him.
Heero had taken me into his life without question, without hesitation. He didn't make space for me- it was like there was a space already waiting. I was happier with him than I had ever been anywhere before, and though the circumstances that brought me into his life sucked, I couldn't regret being here.
"Heero," a familiar dreaded voice spoke from behind me and I froze. Damn it, forgot to watch my surroundings.
Heero looked up over the top of my head and simply lifted his eyebrow. He didn't speak.
"Heero, Duo..." another familiar voice. That one hadn't said my name in a long time. I nearly snapped out that I was surprised that he remembered it at all, but I followed Heero's example and stayed quiet.
They stood beside our table, and I could see the faint flush of red on Quatre's face. He was embarrassed. Once I would've done something to ease that reaction, but not anymore.
Trowa was looking at Heero, his face hidden from me under that fall of hair. "No greeting for an old friend?"
Heero's eyebrow arched further up and I saw Trowa's shoulders tense.
"Duo," Quatre said, laying a hand on Trowa's shoulder, "I'm glad we ran into you. I've been wanting to talk to you."
I didn't want to talk. Why should I? Quatre had refused to talk to me when I refused to take Wufei back. That had hurt- I had thought he'd understand. Why should I talk to him now? So I stayed silent.
Quatre's flush increased a little, but he persisted. "Wufei is in anger management classes. He- had another little episode in the office after you left and Une made him go. He's doing very well. I know he has wanted to get in contact with you and apologize for hurting you. He understands your lack of forgiveness before-"
"I forgave him," I snapped, then mentally kicked myself.
"But you didn't go back..." Quatre started.
"I didn't want to get hurt again."
"It was only the one time!" Trowa interjected and I could see that he was angry. Why did I even try? I looked at Heero. He nodded when I tilted my head to the side in a question.
"Time to go finish our shopping, Duo." Heero got to his feet, grabbing the bags. "Then we can go home."
"Wait." Quatre caught my arm. "Two more things Duo, please?"
"What?" I asked, though I knew I'd regret listening to him.
"First- I want to apologize. I know I can't do anything to make it up to you, and I know our friendship is wrecked, but it wasn't fair of me to judge you, and I'm sorry."
He did more than judge me, but that wasn't the point. I shrugged- what could I say to that?
"Second thing?" I asked and saw Quatre slump a little.
"Wufei wants to talk to you. Will you give us your number to pass on to him?"
"I'll call him." No way was I giving our number to these guys.
"Don't trust us?" Trowa snapped and I frowned at him. Hell if I was going to let the bastard rile me.
Heero's voice was very soft. "He knows about the phone calls. He knows you both tried to get me to kick him out. He knows everything that you said, every vile name you called him. Your apology sounded nice but you didn't apologize for any of that, now did you? And nothing about what you did to him at work. No apologies for the cold shoulders or the bad rumors or for sticking him with the worst jobs."
Heero's tone changed to a near snarl. "So, don't you dare ask if he trusts you. What have you done to deserve trust?"
Trowa flushed and Quatre inhaled sharply. "I see."
"I hope so." Heero put his hand on my arm. "Good bye."
We walked away, leaving them behind us, and I realized that I was shaking a little.
Heero got us to the car, put the bags into the trunk and guided me to the front seat. "You okay?"
"Oh sure," I told him. "Just- can we go home now?"
Heero nodded and slipped in behind the wheel. He was quiet on the way home, waiting for me to speak, giving me the time I needed to pull myself together. He knows me so well.
Once we pulled into the driveway, I leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'm going to go sit in the garden for a bit, okay?"
"Okay," Heero replied, understanding. "I'll put the groceries away and start lunch."
I got out of the car and walked around the side of our house. The yard is tangled and overgrown a bit, but I like it that way, and Heero lets me do what I like out here. I sat down in the middle of our small patch of grass, and took a deep breath. Most of our flowers were in bloom and the air was filled with their scent. Our fountain splashed in the corner, and there was a faint hum of bees in the air. It's different from the garden Sister Helen had at the orphanage, the one I used to go and hide from the teasing of the other kids in, but this one's mine. Ours, I should say.
I sat in the middle of our garden for a long time.
I wondered what Wufei wanted. I wondered why Quatre had finally decided to apologize. I wondered why Trowa was still being such an ass.
I thought about not calling, just ignoring the whole thing.
But... part of me didn't want to do that. The guys had been my friends. For a while there I had wanted nothing more than for them to apologize and for things to be right between us again...
But... at the same time, I didn't really want them back in my life. I had been happy this last year- happy away from them...
But... Oh, to hell with it.
I got to my feet and turned towards the house. Heero was sitting on the porch stairs watching me. I went and sat down beside him.
"I'm going to call Wufei."
"Okay." A faint worry line appeared on his forehead but he didn't say anything else. He just leaned towards me and dropped a kiss on my mouth. "I'll be right here when you finish."
"I'd rather you came with me." I told him.
"Really? But..." He caught himself, closing his mouth on the question. He looked at his feet, his bangs shielding his face from me.
"But what?"
"Nothing. Let's go call." Heero got to his feet and offered me his hand. We went inside and sat down by the vidphone. Heero sat opposite me, out of camera range, his eyes on my face.
I surprised myself. I had forgotten the phone number to my old apartment. My hand hovered over the number pad and I gave Heero a sheepish look.
He shook his head, his mouth curving up a little at the corners, and leaned forward to dial the number for me. Of course he remembered it. Heero remembers practically everything. Which can get a bit disturbing or annoying if you are having a heated discussion with him- Heero doesn't "fight"- but is pretty useful the rest of the time.
The phone rang twice before Wufei answered.
"Duo!" He smiled. "I'm glad you called. Trowa and Quatre said they ran into you today..."
"What do you want to say to me?" I cut him off quickly. I didn't want to talk to him like we were friends. I forgave him for the katana stunt, but not for everything that followed. Days of being ignored, having other agents look on me in disgust, the whispers that circulated around the office, the calls to Heero...
"I wanted to apologize." Wufei's smile disappeared. "I acted badly and dishonored myself. You were correct in refusing to have anything to do with me after... after I attacked you."
I nodded.
"I also acted badly afterwards. I should've accepted your decision to end our personal relationship. I should not have let it affect our working relationship, nor should I have tried to turn your friends against you."
Ah, apparently Quatre and Trowa had passed some details on to him.
"My friend." I corrected him. "Trowa and Quatre were already on your side. But that's not important."
"I know they too regret their actions. Quatre was very upset after talking to you today..."
"But I'm sure Trowa wasn't," I said and watched Wufei turn red.
"He's upset that Heero took your side. Heero was his closest friend next to Quatre. It hurt him to have Heero turn on him like that."
I hadn't thought of that. Of course the others would feel bad about losing Heero as a friend. He probably missed them too...
"Do you have anything else to say to me?" I wanted to get off the phone very badly.
He looked faintly surprised. I guess I wasn't following his script.
"I know that I acted badly. I know that I hurt and attacked you. I want to apologize."
"Apology accepted." That was easy enough. Maybe now I could hang up.
"And... I wanted to apologize for what happened afterward. We were not... kind to you."
I bit my lip, but managed: "That's putting it mildly Chang. I've seen you be nicer to Oz squadrons." I let my eyes slide over to Heero, who was watching me, a slight frown on his face. Was he upset with me?
"I... I would like to make amends for that." Wufei said and my gaze snapped back to him.
"How? You made my life hell. I couldn't walk down the hall without people whispering. You smeared my name and background all over the Preventers. You soiled my reputation, ruined my career and lied about me to everyone in that building. You called Heero, the only person besides Hilde who stood by me and threatened him. You said that he couldn't be my friend and yours."
I didn't realize I was yelling until Heero reached out and put his hand on mine.
I swallowed the rest of the diatribe and started again at a lower pitch. "How can I trust you now? How do I know you aren't doing this in order to get your target back? How do I know that you won't try to get Heero to leave me?"
Heero's fingers tightened.
Wufei's mouth opened and closed for a moment. "You... and Heero?"
"Don't start." I snarled at him. "I know damn good and well that he's more than I deserve, but if you do anything... say anything at all to him..." I was stumbling over my words, furious and nervous. I shouldn't have told him anything. I shouldn't have even hinted!
Heero got to his feet and moved to sit behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I realized I that I was shaking.
"I... I don't want to do that..." Wufei said. "I swear it. I wanted this conversation to help heal- not to make you upset, Duo. I never... you always acted like none of it touched you- it made me so angry- I didn't realize...." He shook his head. "I never realized that it hurt you so much."
"Well it did. I loved you and you turned on me. I loved Quatre and Trowa and they hurt me too. I can't trust the three of you again- I can't. I'm finally happy again. I don't want to lose what I have."
Heero's arms tightened around me.
Wufei was silent for a moment before he replied. "I've been going to classes, getting to know myself better, and you were right. I was way too jealous and way too possessive. It wasn't healthy. Part of the program is contacting those we hurt and apologizing. I really am sorry for the things I did to you Duo. All of them. I was hurt and upset with you, but that doesn't excuse my behavior." He met my eyes, and I could see he was sincere. "I want to make amends..."
That sounded nice, but... "I don't see how you can."
Wufei opened his mouth, then closed it again. Hm, apparently he couldn't either.
"He can start by clearing your record at the Preventers." Heero suggested in a soft tone. "I'm sure there were reports made and filed that were prejudiced and unfair."
"I'm afraid there were." Wufei nodded. "I can do that. Will that be a start?"
"Yes," I took a deep breath and leaned back against Heero a little more. I wanted to be off the phone. "I'm sorry Wufei, but I have other things to do today."
"Of course. Thank you for calling me. Once again, Duo, I'm really sincerely sorry."
"I am too, Wufei." I hit the hang up button before I could say more. I tilted my head back against Heero's shoulder and sighed. That hadn't gone well... not that I had expected it to...
"You okay?"
"I guess." I huffed out a breath. "I know that was abrupt there at the end, but... I didn't want to talk to him anymore... It was like he expected me to go 'oh it's okay, all forgiven, let's be friends again'- and I can't do that... Maybe I need to join one of those groups..."
Heero kissed my temple. "Whatever you need to do."
"Do you think I should try to be friends with them again?" I sat up and turned to face him. "Do you miss them? I never meant to pull you away from them..."
He shook his head. "They did that. They didn't respect my decision at the beginning to try and stay neutral. They kept trying to force the issue, refused my help when I tried to make peace." He leaned forward a bit and rested his forehead against mine. "If you choose to be friends with them in time, then so will I. If you choose not to be, then I won't either."
"You don't have to..."
"I do have to." He kissed me firmly. "Whatever you choose- you need to know I'm on your side." He looked down and away from me. "Whatever it is, okay?"
There was that tone again... the same one he'd used outside, and once again I couldn't see his face...
What was he hiding from me?
"I know that already," I said as I puzzled over his behavior. "I never doubted it." I leaned over and put my head on his shoulder for a moment. "I should've just pounced on you back when we first met. None of this crap would've happened."
His fingers stroked the nape of my neck. "No, but I'm sure we'd have a bunch of other crap instead."
"Maybe." I let myself relax against him, felt the support he always offered. "Still, it was all worth it, since I ended up with you."
He tensed a little. What was wrong?
Then the pieces fell into place. I pulled back a little and met his eyes. "You know, no matter what happens with the others I have no intention of leaving you." His eyes widened slightly and I felt a faint rush of relief. This was something I could assure him on easily. "You aren't getting rid of me, you know that right? No matter what else happens."
He smiled a little. "Sure about that?"
"That's the one thing I am sure about in the whole mess." I kissed him again, watching his smile brighten. A quick push and I had him tumbled down on the sun-warmed carpet. "No one can ever be what you are to me. I meant it- all of this was worth it- just to have you. To finally feel like I'm home..."
He reached up and kissed me. "I hope you always feel that way."
I smiled for him before returning the kiss. "I know I will."
OWARI
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