Author: Merula
Pairing: 3x4
Warnings: Yaoi, AU, angst
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own GW.
Just When I Needed You Most
Everyone had gone home for the weekend. The offices were deserted; the only sounds were the click of the keys under my fingertips. I didn't know how long I had been working on these figures, but I knew it was getting late.
I glanced up at the clock- sure enough- it was just after midnight.
Not that it mattered. I didn't have anyone waiting for me at home anymore.
For just a moment, I lifted my hands off the keyboard and let my head rest in them.
I was tired. Very tired. But I couldn't rest- there was too much left to do and I was running out of time.
As if I had summoned it, the pain flared up in my head. It always seemed to pick the worse times to strike, as if there was some malignant beast curled in my skull instead of what was really there...
The painkillers were in the top drawer. It took me a few moments to get the cap off. Damn bottles. At least the painkillers worked. I had to count the blessings I had left.
I took two of the chalky pills and washed them down with a sip of water. I had to get this finished. Two days from now I'd be signing myself into the hospital under an assumed name... I had told my sisters that it was because I didn't want my condition to affect the WEI stock.
That was a lie.
I rubbed my forehead and tried to think through the pain, to make sense of the numbers on the screen. I knew one of my sisters could do it; they were really doing so much for me already though... I could do these few things to make the running of the company easier for them. Make the transition smoother. Who knew when I'd be back at work after all?
The doctors had given me my odds. I might make it through fine. I might make it through with some damage. Or I might not make it through at all...
It was horrible of me, I know it was, but I was hoping for the last option... I wanted to stop. I wanted to rest. I wanted not to have to think about some things anymore...
I pulled myself back together and focused on the screen again. Only a few more pages to go through...
A soft pattering noise broke my concentration. It took me a moment to recognize what it was.
It was raining.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was out of my seat, the glass cold under my hand as I looked out the window at the dark wet streets. It had been raining that morning...
I watched the rain fall as Trowa zipped up his bag. I wanted to say something. Something convincing. Something that showed him that I needed him with me... especially now... but how could I tell him anything now? He wanted to leave...
He was silent. I was almost glad of it. I had heard too many things from him lately. Life with me was confining. He missed the freedom of the circus. He felt like he was taking too much of my time. I was always so busy. This was for the best.
He had greeted me at the door with those words a day ago. I had just gotten back from the doctor... what I had thought would be an appointment to talk about my migraines...
It was selfish of me, but I needed Trowa. I wanted him with me... I wanted to ask him to stay, wanted to tell him that it might only be for a small period of time... but...
It wasn't fair of me to ask him to stay when he wanted to go. Better to say goodbye now...
But when I turned away from the window to say goodbye... he was already gone, the door swinging softly in his wake.... I had lost even that...
The glass felt good against my cheek. Cold. That's what I needed to be. That's what I was so admired for. Quatre Winner, cool under fire, all that business magazine crap.
But... when I went back to my computer I closed the window on the screen. I pulled up my email program, started to type all the usual things:
I love you.
I need you.
I should've appreciated what I had....
I didn't send it. I never sent them.
He never wrote to me.
There was an email from Duo in the inbox. More guilt.... I hadn't told him either. Other than my family, I hadn't told anyone what I was facing.
It wasn't that I didn't think they'd be here for me... wasn't that I didn't think they'd be a source of comfort and support... but- if they knew... then he'd find out.
I don't know what Trowa would do if he found out... I'd like to think he'd at least come and see me...
But if he didn't... that would be infinitely worse.
It was better not to know which one he'd pick, better to stay silent. The others would find out eventually... faster if the operation went badly... but if it didn't, by the time they found out I'd be stronger- more able to deal with things.
I returned to my work, let the numbers pull me in; let them ease me into forgetting for a while...
It was well after two before I was finished.
The streets were rain-slick and nearly deserted. I drove home in a daze, trying to stay awake and focused...
I nearly missed seeing the car that ran the light... it was a blur of color across the windshield... then the wheel was sliding under my hands as I tried to wrench the car to the left... but I wasn't fast enough...
As the cars collided, all I could do was close my eyes and thank whichever deity had chosen to pity me... better this than the other...
Then it was dark and silent... and I was happy to lose myself in it.
Then there were glaring lights and voices and when I opened my eyes I realized I was in the hospital... apparently things were not going to be so easy for me...
"Quatre?" One of my sisters leaned over me. It took me a moment to place which one- we all have such similar features. The glint of gold in the curve of her ear gave me the clue I needed.
"Settareh."
"How are you feeling?" Her blue eyes were wide and concerned.
I had to think about that question.
My head hurt, but that was almost normal for these days. My right leg hurt. I tried to lift my head to look at it, but that made my vision darken on the edges.
"Not so bad," I told her, trying to summon up a smile. "What happened?"
"You were in a car accident. The other driver ran the red light and you collided with them."
"How are they?"
She frowned. "Just fine. Intoxicated, but fine. You on the other hand..."
"I wasn't in the best of conditions to start with," I reminded her.
"This hasn't helped." Before I could answer her I heard a tremendous crash and suddenly there were a lot more faces bent over me, more voices, all talking at once.
It was too much. I closed my eyes, the pain in my head increasing by the moment, trying to block my senses and save my sanity.
~*~
"I got a call...still listed as a next of kin..."
"What happened?"
"Doctors are worried..."
"Supposed to be here in a few days..."
"You didn't know?"
"This might have decreased his chances..."
~*~
A cool hand touched my forehead. The pain grew less, enough so that I could slip back into the silent darkness....
When I woke up again, the room was silent, the harsh overhead lights dim. I could hear the rain again. It was comforting now...
"Why didn't you tell me?"
His voice blended in with the rain, soft, almost musical, it was so good to hear it again.
"I couldn't decide which would be worse... you staying because you felt you had to... or you leaving anyway..."
I listened to the sound of the rain for a few moments, the rhythm soothing and relaxing, but I didn't want to fall back asleep yet. Didn't want to lose even a moment of his presence beside me.
"And if I stayed now?"
I couldn't help the faint hope that rose up in me. "I think I'd say hell with it- if guilt kept you with me for a even a few days, then I'd try it."
A soft sigh. "Then try it."
I didn't have to search for the words; I knew now what I wanted to say. "I need you. More than ever. It may only be for a few days... I don't know. I haven't heard what the doctors think now..."
"I have," his voice was suddenly rough. Fingers slipped around mine, clenching tightly.
"However long it is... would you stay with me as long as I need you?"
He bent over me so that I could see his face, feel the caress of his hair on my cheek. "Yes."
Relief. "I don't know how to thank you..."
"Thank me by making it through this." His lips touched mine gently, making me shiver. "That's what I need." Another soft kiss. "I'm going to go get the doctors. Rest."
The sound of the rain was softer now, the pattering sounds slowing down, a sign that the storm was almost over. It was tempting to close my eyes and drift into the dark, but Trowa needed me to stay here. I wasn't going to fail him.
OWARI
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