Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Yaoi, angst...
Disclaimer: I don't own GW.
Hey Jealousy Part 1
It's like the old cliché, bees and honey; you know the one I mean? They swarm around him, wanting to get caught, their senses dazzled by him.
I know how it feels. I've been caught in that snare for years... and yet, I hate them for being dazzled, hate him for enchanting them like that... yet how can he help it?
Not that I've ever said anything. How could I? He may enchant them, may flirt and tease... but he goes home with me. I used to be grateful.
That's not right- I still am grateful, but now... now it hurts. It hurts to watch him give of himself to everyone when I want him all to myself.
Selfish. Possessive. Jealous. I know I am and I hide it from him the best I can. Only once did I make a comment about it- and the look I got in return hurt worse than anything... Did I want him to change?
I wanted to say yes. I had changed for him... but I couldn't ask it of him, and so I just shrugged it off, told him I hadn't meant it like that.
That damn blond bastard is there now, smiling into Duo's eyes. Where the hell is his wife? Does she not care that he is looking at someone else like that?
Maybe she doesn't, based on the things I've heard around the office. I watch him tug Duo's braid, laugh with him, and I have to turn away before I throw my glass across the room and damage that perfect face.
I head for the doors, catching Quatre's eye. He's the only one who knows my secret- he's tried to help me, assured me over and over that he knows Duo loves me...
I know it too. Duo is not the problem- I am.
Quatre lifts his eyebrow in a question and I shake my head at him. I have to get out of here, have to go home. I can't stay any longer. Quatre will make sure Duo gets home... or maybe that aristocratic bastard will...
Anger surges, and I bite down on my lip, fleeing the building while I can.
Once outside I gulp for air, leaning against the building, trying to cool the rage inside of me.
Duo wouldn't do anything to hurt me. If he knew I was like this it would make him upset- or worse still frighten him. I have to hide it from him; I can't let him know what's going on...
But it's getting worse, not better... and it frightens me. It's not logical. It's not sane.
I don't know what to do...
"Heero?"
Damn it.
A cool hand touches my forehead. "Are you feeling okay, love? You don't look good."
I hate lying to him. "Not really. I have a headache. I thought I'd go home and lay down."
"I'll drive."
"No, no, it's okay." I catch his hand; smile the best I can for him. "You stay and have a good time. I'm sure Quatre can give you a ride home."
He frowns. "I don't want to stay without you." He slips an arm around my waist, tugs me gently towards the car.
"You shouldn't have to..."
"Heero," he cuts me off, still frowning, "I want to- I'm worried about you. How could I have a good time when I know you're all alone?"
I want to snap at him that he had no problem leaving me to my own devices inside the party, was all too eager to surround himself with others...
Instead I just get into the car and lean my head back against the seat, closing my eyes and trying to relax.
Duo gets in and starts the car. He's silent as we head towards home, and I know he's being considerate of my faked headache. It makes me feel guiltier.
Duo deserves better than this- so much better.
"Heero," he says, breaking the silence as we near our street, "I want you to do something for me."
"Anything." I open my eyes and look at him. He's chewing on his bottom lip and I know he's worried about something.
Does he know? Panic floods me.
"I want you to go see Sally on Monday- get her to look at you. You've had a lot of headaches recently and it's worrying me."
It takes a moment to process this. A lot of headaches? But I haven't had any. Only...
Damn it. I have overused that excuse lately... I didn't mean to do this...how can I tell him there's nothing to worry about?
He pulls the car into our driveway and turns to look at me. "Please Heero?"
"I'll go see her." I assure him and he smiles, leaning over the seats to brush his lips against my cheek.
"Monday?"
"First thing."
He smiles wider, but there is still worry lurking in his eyes and I feel awful. How can I do this to him?
I follow him up the steps and into the house. To complete the charade, I go into the bathroom and swallow some aspirin under Duo's watchful eye. After that he insists that I lie down on the bed and relax.
He curls up beside me, stroking his fingers over my forehead and as guilty as I feel- I still enjoy having his attention focused on me.
Pathetic.
"I'm better- you could go back to the party," I tell him.
"I'm happy here. It was a boring party anyway." Duo curls closer to me. "Those political ones always are."
"You looked like you were having fun."
He shrugs. "I was trying. Hey- did you know Zechs and Noin are separating? He told me that tonight."
I just bet he did. I grit my teeth.
"Why?"
"Ah, he didn't really say." Duo chuckles. "He was trying to convince me to run away with him."
Pain shoots up my arms as my fingernails bite into my palms. The taste of copper fills my mouth and I realize I've bitten my tongue. I'm suddenly shaking with anger.
He dared... how dare he!
"Heero? You okay?" Duo is up on one elbow, leaning over me, his eyes wide and frightened. "Is it your head? What's wrong?"
What's wrong? How can he ask me that?
I reach up and grip the back of his head, my bloodstained fingers marking his cheek. I want to demand an answer, ask him what he said to Zechs...
And then I want to hunt Zechs down and rip his heart out...
I pull Duo's mouth down to mine, opening his lips, claiming his mouth.
He's mine.
He doesn't struggle, doesn't fight me when I flip us over and pin him to the bed. I don't know what I'd do if he tried...
His hand touches the back of my head, strokes the nape of my neck gently, and my anger begins to evaporate, replaced with a desire to remind him of why he chose me, why he shares my bed...
Clothes get tossed to the floor as I use my knowledge of his body to drive him out of his senses, claim him again and again...
He falls asleep right after, his arms tight around my shoulders. I can't sleep.
What did I almost do? What did I do? I can see a bruise blossoming on Duo's wrist; see the bite marks on his collarbone...
I've never hurt him before. I want to tell myself that I didn't mean it... but I did. To hear him talking of Zechs like that...
Carefully I slide away from him and head towards the bathroom. The man staring back at me from the mirror looks at me with such loathing that it hurts to breathe...
So close, so close to really hurting him. Next time... next time it might be worse...
There's only one thing left to do.
I clean myself up and sneak out of the bedroom after grabbing some clothes from the floor. Dressing quickly, I sit down at my computer and open the word program. Duo needs an explanation. Too many people have left him- he needs to know that it's not his fault.
I apologize. I tell him that I have been lying to him. There were never any headaches. I confess my jealousy, my selfishness- I try to apologize for them. I explain that I never meant to hurt him, and that I'm really afraid that I will hurt him. I don't want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. That's why I have to leave. I have to go while I can, before I ruin everything and do something unthinkable.
My fingers won't type out the last sentence- even now I can't tell him to take Zechs up on his offer, to be happy with someone else...
I print the note, leave it on my keyboard, and pull my shoes on. I grab my wallet, cell phone, keys- and then I go into the kitchen.
Behind the pots and pans on one of the lower shelves is my old revolver. I check the ammo, make sure the safety is on and slip it into the back of my belt.
I don't need anything else... except...
Like Orpheus, I can't resist one final look. Duo is still sleeping, his arm outstretched over my half of the bed, face buried in my pillow.
Closing the door behind me, I slip out of the bedroom and leave the house.
For just a moment I stand on the porch. It's hard to leave... but I don't dare stay...
One final errand, and then I'm going to make sure that I can never hurt Duo again...
TBC...
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