Author: Merula
Pairings: 2x1x2
Rating: R/NC-17
Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, Lemonish, language, Heero POV.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
Everything You Want
I shifted slightly, adjusting my grip on the desk, trying to compensate for the ache in my calf. I hoped Duo would finish soon, I already had several bruises from this morning's case-wrap up and I didn't want to spend the rest of the day aching more than I already did.
Duo's fingers dug into my hips, making me gasp. He was being rougher than usual, but then I suppose his adrenaline was higher than usual. He had been the one to chase the perp down after the guy had knocked me off the roof of that building. Duo had chased him down the stairs and over several city blocks before he had caught the guy.
I hadn't been surprised when Duo had locked the door once we got back to our office, after questioning the perp and turning him over for processing, and pushed me against the desk, his hands reaching for my zipper. He hadn't been gentle, and I hadn't expected him to be- not after our morning. Being pushed off the building had just been the highlight...
I could see Duo's desk calendar on his desk, his appointments in red, and his dates in green. Every Friday night, every Saturday a different name, a different place... Duo's hips tightened against me and I closed my eyes. I didn't want to look at his calendar right now, didn't want to think of all those nights I spent waiting to hear the front door open, waiting for his footsteps in the hallway, waiting for him to come to my bed... Some nights he'd walk past my door... other nights he'd... well... join me and do what he was doing now....
Duo's arms snaked around my waist, pulling me backwards, pushing himself deeper inside as he sat down on my chair, pulling me down onto his lap. I cried out, but Duo had anticipated that, his hand was over my mouth, muffling the sound.
His other hand dropped into my lap and I moaned into his fingers, still pressed tight against my lips. "Please..." he whispered against my shoulder, his hand stroking me, encouraging me to move for him.
I did what he wanted, bracing myself against him and setting a rhythm, not letting myself think anymore, focusing only on his touch... it didn't take long before I was clamping down on him, his hand tight over my mouth, suffocating my scream, his teeth buried in my shoulder, suffocating his own.
Once it was over, he cleaned us both up, let me get dressed again and take my seat. He unlocked the door with a casual movement, and then moved over to his desk to pick up the case folder.
"We'd better get the report into Une this afternoon."
"I'll do it." I reached out to take the folder. "You can start the prelim on that drug ring..."
"Okay," he agreed and we got to work. No one looking into our office would even imagine that a few moments ago Duo had been doing his best to fuck me into the desk...
Sometimes I even wondered if I imagined these encounters, if they weren't just product of my deranged imagination. But I knew if I went and looked, I'd find his teeth marks on my neck- Duo liked to leave marks- and it always assured me that I wasn't imagining things.
I typed the report almost on automatic, my eyes wandering over to Duo without my consent, lingering on that calendar on his desk...
I hated that calendar. When I had joined the Preventers after the war, Duo had joined with me- he'd told me that I needed a partner I could trust, and he was right. I did trust him. I couldn't imagine being partnered with anyone else. It wasn't just that I loved him- though I did and had for a long time.
That calendar was my reminder that Duo didn't love me. I was just a warm and willing body when there wasn't a more attractive one available. That's what I had been for him during the war, and that's what I was now... I'd call myself a fuckbuddy, but that didn't seem right. That implied an equal say in the matter- and there wasn't. Duo used me when he wanted me- I never used him and I never said no... I suppose I was no more than a toy to him, though I hated the thought...
Though, to be fair, that only encompassed this one part of our lives. In every other area Duo treated me equally. I was his friend, and his partner.
I had thought it was enough. But lately...
Duo's phone rang.
"Maxwell.... Hey! Of course I do! Sure... let me look...." He picked up the calendar and I had to fight the urge to rip it out of his hands. Another date. Another night out with someone else...
I got to my feet without thinking and left the office. I couldn't sit there. I went down the hallway and out onto a little balcony that some of the staff used as a smoking area. No one was there at the moment, so I was free to lean on the railing and close my eyes.
What was wrong with me? Why was I getting upset about this now? Duo and I had been partners for over a year. I had been his... I didn't even know what the word would be... for longer than that. From the night I had stolen the parts off of Deathscythe, when he had been so careful of my broken leg, from the night when we had moved into that apartment together and he'd made love to me on my bare mattress, Duo had used me, made me his... and yet had never been mine.
We never talked about it. He never put his arm around my shoulders like he did with the other guys, never curled up on the couch with me like I had seen Relena and Wufei or Quatre and Trowa do when we were at their houses....
I wanted that. I wanted it badly. But if I asked for it... I would lose Duo... he didn't want that with me. I knew him. If he wanted something he chased after it until he got it... but he had me, and didn't want more...
But I did. I couldn't take being left home to wonder what he was doing with his dates. I didn't want to be the one he used when no one else was available....
It had been getting worse lately. More and more nights where he avoided my bed, where he stayed out until late with those dates of his...
I went back into the building, back into our office. Duo was on the phone still. He raised his eyebrow questioningly at me when I walked in, but I ignored him and sat down to finish the report. I was nearly done, it wouldn't take long...
After I finished, I typed up a letter of resignation and printed two copies.
"I'm going to go give the report to Une," I said as I lifted the papers out of our printer.
"Okay." Duo glanced up from his screen. It looked like he was going through the news files for our next case. "Once you finish, we can go home."
I nodded, and placed one of the letters on my desk. When I didn't come back, I was sure Duo would notice it. I wondered if he'd be relieved...
Une was pleased with the report, but less than pleased with my statement that I was quitting the Preventers, effective immediately.
"Agent Yuy- you're one of our best- you know we need you..."
"Commander, I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry..." I wasn't going to give in, despite my guilt.
Her phone rang. She snatched it up, still glaring at me. "Une." A few moments passed. I waited, staring straight ahead at the picture that hung over her desk. "Fine," she said into the phone and hung up.
She looked at me and sighed. "At least just consider a leave of absence instead? Maybe a few weeks off will do you some good. You haven't taken a vacation since you joined- even though I know your partner has..."
I didn't like to think about Duo's vacations. He usually went someplace warm, packed as little clothing as possible...
"All right Commander," I told her, anything to get out of her office before Duo read the letter.
"Take a month," she told me. "And then contact me and let me know your decision."
"Very well," I left her office and headed down to the garage. I needed to get home and get the duffel that I left under my bed. Old habits die hard- though really it should've been stowed in the trunk of my car. I had gotten a bit soft in peacetime.
I drove to the apartment mentally laying out my plans- first the duffel, then the shuttle port... I was still trying to decide which colony to go to first when I got to the apartment.
It was... harder than I expected to walk through the apartment, knowing I wouldn't be back there again. Duo had insisted that all of the common areas needed to be decorated by the both of us, and every piece of furniture, every picture held a memory...
Maybe I was being stupid. Maybe I wanted too much... it wasn't like I didn't have Duo- at least in part... Could I be happy just being his friend?
But he was already growing tired of me as his bedtoy... how much longer would he want to be my friend too? Better to leave now...
The duffle was way under my bed, stuck up near the headboard. I had to wiggle underneath the bed frame to grab the end of it.
"There you are." I started at the voice, thwacking my head on the bed frame.
It was Duo's voice. What was he doing home so soon?
I pulled my head out from under the bed and looked towards the doorway. Duo was standing there, his mouth in a thin line, his eyes narrowed.
"What are you doing here?" I managed.
"What do you think?"
I frowned. How had he gotten here so fast? Had Une called him to her office? Even if she had he shouldn't have gotten here so fast...
"You quit without telling me!" He snapped before I could answer. "That was cold, even for you. Haven't I been a good partner? Aren't I your friend? Why didn't you tell me you wanted to leave the Preventers?"
I hadn't thought about it that way. I hadn't thought he'd sound so... hurt.
"I thought... I thought you'd try and talk me out of it," I answered truthfully enough.
He let out an exasperated sigh and ran his hand through his bangs. "Not if you really wanted to quit. I thought you were happy there, Heero."
"I was... I'm just... tired of it all." No need to say what 'it' was. I felt silly sprawled on the floor, practically at his feet, so I stood up, pulling the duffel after me.
Duo's eyes widened at the sight of it. "You're leaving? You weren't just quitting without telling me, but you were going to just take off too?"
The hurt tone was back in his voice. Damn. "Yes," I admitted.
"Why?" He practically snarled the word. "Where are you going?"
"I don't really know..." I couldn't read the look he gave me then.
"You just want to get away?" Softer tone now.
"Yes." He stared at me for a moment more and then shook his head. "Fine- but I'm going with you."
"What?" Oh no. No, no, no.
"I'm not going to let you run off again by yourself. I'm going with you."
"You can't..." I protested.
"Why not?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
Oh great, what the hell do I say?
"You have work..." I tried.
"Nope. Une gave me a month off to try and talk some sense into my partner and to ensure that he gets a rest."
What? How had he managed that in that small space of time?
Unless Duo had read the letter right after I left.... I remembered the phone call in the middle of my conversation with Une and how she capitulated right after...
Damn it.
"So it's no problem then, right?" Duo smiled smugly.
"You have all those dates," I pointed out, "on the calendar- you've already made plans..."
He didn't lose the smile. "I can cancel them."
"That would be disappointing for them," I snapped out, a little more sharply than I intended, seeing my plans crumble around me.
He shrugged. "So? They'll get over it." He moved closer to me, reaching out a hand to snag my duffel. "I'm going with you and that's final."
"What if I don't want you along?" I growled.
Duo didn't even look upset. "Tough. I'm still going." He tried to yank the duffel out of my hand. I hung on to it.
"I'm serious Duo."
"So am I." He met my gaze without a smile. "I'm not letting you vanish again like you did after the first war. You either let me go with you voluntarily or I will track you down and follow you that way." He was perfectly serious- he meant every word...
I let go of the bag, defeated. "Fine."
He slung it over his shoulder. "Thank you. When do you want to leave?"
I sat down on my bed and shrugged. "Doesn't matter." I heard him sigh. He dropped my duffel beside the door and sat down next to me on the bed.
I felt myself tense- I couldn't help it- I half expected him to push me down onto the bed.... Half of me wanted him to... it would be a good way to delay any further discussion...
He felt it too. I saw the sharp look he gave me. "I guess we don't have to leave. We can stay here; you can rest- I'll help you look for a new job, if that's what you want... What do you want Heero?"
"It doesn't matter what I want," I said, not caring at this point that I sounded like a child. Why hadn't he just let me go? "It's whatever you want."
"No, it's not." Duo, to his credit, didn't sound the least bit exasperated. "It's always been what you wanted Heero."
That didn't make sense. "What are you talking about?"
"If this had been what I wanted, we'd be programmers or pilots or something, not Preventers. We'd live outside the city. We'd be on softball teams and things like that. We'd have a dog, maybe a cat...."
I looked up and met his eyes, surprised. Duo had never complained about the job or the city... "If you weren't happy- why are you here?"
"Because you are." He shrugged. "I'm not unhappy. It's just... if we were doing everything I wanted, things would be a lot different, that's all."
I had to choke down a laugh. Things weren't how I wanted them either. When I said this to Duo, he just shook his head.
"I thought they were. I'm sorry. What do you want?"
I want you all to myself, I nearly said, but stopped before it slipped out.
"I don't really know... but you need to do what you want. You need to find a new job, find a place outside the city..." I did want Duo to be happy. He shouldn't feel obligated to stay here with me...
"I said 'we' Heero, not 'me'. I'd love to start looking for a new job, find a house in one of those little hilly areas in the south, but I'm not doing it by myself. I want you to do it with me."
I thought about moving out into a house with Duo, thought about getting a dog, working at home, having a yard...
It sounded wonderful, but...
Would the nights of waiting for his footsteps in the hall be any less? Or worse- would they stop all together?
"I can't."
"Why not? You said you weren't happy with the way things are. You said you didn't know what you wanted...."
"I do know one thing I want..." I started and then bit my lip.
"What?"
How could I say this?
"I... I don't want... I can't be your..." I gestured, helpless, at the bed, "whatever you want to call it... I can't. I'm sorry." I wasn't sure if I was making sense, but I saw the shock flood Duo's face. "I'm sorry," I said again.
"That's why you were leaving." Duo's voice shook. "Because I... because of that..." Duo bent his head and closed his eyes. "I didn't know... I thought you liked it.... You never said... " He stopped and took a breath. "I promise I won't touch you like that again. I swear it."
"That would just make it worse." Slipped out.
Duo's eyes snapped open. "What do you mean?"
I couldn't think of an answer. What could I say? Duo launched himself at me, knocking me backwards onto the bed, pinning me in place.
"Heero," he said, his mouth close to mine, his breath ghosting over my lips. "Talk to me, please? Just this once? Why would it be worse?"
I closed my eyes, not wanting to meet his, and turned my face to the side.
"Do you like it?" He said, his lips brushing my ear. "I thought you did. You never said no... Please tell me I wasn't forcing you..." I could hear the anguish in his voice at the thought.
"You weren't forcing me. I wanted it..."
I felt his body relax a little. "Then why were you leaving?"
I couldn't lie now. "Because... I want more..."
I felt his hand on my chin. "Look at me." I opened my eyes and found him frowning at me. "When you told me after our first night together that all you could give me was sex, that you had nothing more to offer, I told you I'd take what I could get. And I promised myself that I'd show you that you could give more."
I blinked at him. Had I said that? Searching my memory, I realized he was right. I had been feeling guilty about the parts I had stolen, knew that he'd be furious with me... if we both survived to meet up again. I had forgotten...
"You never said anything- and I wasn't going to make you. You... you seemed happy with the way things were... I was hoping you'd see you had more to offer... but I didn't want to push. Didn't want you to vanish like you did after the first war... I thought I had to be careful- not to want- not to ask for too much."
His fingers caressed my chin. "It's been hard... I can't help myself- I want you so badly sometimes... I keep thinking I'll wait next time, wait for you to ask, but I can never wait long. Or something happens, like today..." His mouth touched mine gently. "I'll give you whatever you want, do whatever you want- I thought that's what I was doing- I'm sorry..."
"But... your dates..."
"Just trying to give you space. I hate being by myself- but I know you like it. You said so all the time when we were at that school- 'Go away Duo, give me some breathing room'- remember? I wanted to make sure I wasn't suffocating you." He sighed. "Given the choice, I'd rather be home with you."
My brain was desperately trying to keep up- nothing was as I thought it had been. "But... weren't you... with them...?"
Duo shook his head vehemently, braid flying. "No. Not ever. Just friends, acquaintances, fellow clubbers- not lovers. That's it, I swear it to you."
Could I believe him? I wanted to.. and Duo had never lied to me. I had never asked him about his dates before...
His mouth touched my cheek, my lips, my brow.
"Heero... tell me what you want..."
Easy to say it now: "You."
Duo smiled. He rolled us over, stretching out beneath me. "That's a good place to start..."
~*~
It was midnight. Despite the warmth of Duo beside me, I couldn't sleep. I slipped from the bed and made my way through the tiny house we'd bought in the hills. Duo had laughed that only one of us could eat breakfast at a time in the tiny kitchen, but the view made up for it. I had agreed with him- and besides, two could eat in the kitchen if one sat on the other's lap.
I made a circuit of our house, checking locks, checking windows; nothing that we hadn't already done before bed- it was more to assure myself that I really was here, that this wasn't a dream...
The kitten looked up from her basket as I passed, but the dog didn't move from his bed as I walked through the den to look out the window at the city lights far below.
"Couldn't sleep?" I turned to find Duo standing behind me, blinking and yawning.
"I didn't mean to wake you."
"I've gotten used to you being in bed with me." He moved closer, sliding his arms around my shoulders. "Can't sleep when you aren't there."
I lifted his hand and kissed the place above the ring on his left hand. "I was just... making sure...."
Duo smiled, resting his chin on my shoulder. "I know- but we have practice tomorrow- and that project to finish. Come to bed." He stepped backwards pulling me with him. "You need to sleep..."
I had to smile. "But I want to..." I trailed off and felt him chuckle.
"Me too. So come back to bed..." I let him lead me back to bed and tumble me down onto the sheets. "Are you happy?" He asked as he reached up to kiss me.
"Of course," I told him, as I always did. "I have everything I want..."
OWARI
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