Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2
Rating: R
Warnings: Yaoi, POVs, angst.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
Erasure Part 1
The door was nearly rusted shut. It took several minutes of pushing and shoving and swearing to get it open again. Even then I only managed to open it just enough to squeeze through and into the darkness beyond.
I walked down the hallway, one hand on the wall, at a fairly quick pace. It had been nearly ten years since I had been here, but I remembered the way. The darkness welcomed me back like an old friend, comforting in its way. I remembered the first few times I had traveled down this blind hallway, remembered the fear before I had grown used to the way. The hallway was not frightening- it was the room at the end of it that made my heart pound in my throat.
The hallway ended at a door, this one with a keypad. I punched in the numbers, wondering if they would still work. There was no guarantee that the power was even on still...
I shouldn't have worried. The door slid open easily enough and the lights in the room behind it powered up, slowly illuminating tables and equipment, most of them covered with cloths... looked like J had been able to do at least that before he'd left.
I stepped inside, not bothering to close the door behind me. Who would come here?
The faint scent of oil still lingered in the air, it had been stronger when J was here, mixed in with other scents... some not so pleasant. But only the oil remained now.
It was odd, standing here in the silent lab. J had always had some kind of noise in the background...
For a moment, I missed him. I missed those early days of training, missed coming in here and listening to him go over mission specs with me... he'd been a friend of a sort... what would he think of me being here now?
Weak, that's what he'd say. He's lecture me for being weak, for putting too much of myself into the keeping of another, for becoming so dependent on someone who was not worth the effort...
That sounded wrong. Duo was worth the effort. I was the one who hadn't done enough. If I had he never would've...
No. I clamped down on the thoughts. I wasn't going to think about it. Wasn't going to relive those painful moments, seeing them...
No.
A sharp pain in my hands made me look down. I'd clenched my fists so hard that I'd drawn blood with my fingernails. I relaxed my bloodied hands, wiped them on a cloth. I couldn't falter now.
I looked towards the far end of the lab. It was still there- I recognized the outline through the cloth and felt my stomach clench in fear. My feet were reluctant to draw close, but I forced them to move, forced myself to the side of the machine, forced my hand to pull off the protective sheet.
It was the same- had I expected it to look different? I brushed my hand over the control panel, half hoping that it wouldn't respond, but the screens blinked on and the cover swung open.
I could still see faint traces of blood on the padding inside... my blood. Dark and black against the white material... J never had managed to get it clean all the way...
A flash of pain shot through my hands again and I realized I was clutching the edge of the control panel. I let go and saw that my hands were trembling.
Did I really want to do this?
But what else could I do? The Preventers needed my skills. I had to work for them- and how could I work for them when he was there too? I'd see him all the time- just out of my reach...
But this... this was an extreme step. Did I have to do this? I had gone to Une right away, demanded time off, demanded an office switch, and gotten both - I wouldn't see him everyday. He wouldn't be right in front of me in the same office...
But he'd be in the building. He's be close... and I still needed to fetch my things from the apartment- I'd have to deal with him then too... Could I do that on my own willpower alone?
No.
I couldn't. I was too weak...
This machine could help me. It would numb the memories I had of Duo, make them easier to bear, make me able to function... I would go back to being the person I had been during the war- focused, determined, enjoying only the pleasure of completing a mission... Duo's unwanted lover would vanish, like the boy that had mourned the death of a girl and her puppy had vanished...
Not forever, I knew that now, but for long enough... long enough to learn to live without him.
I let my hands drop to the keyboard and began programming the sequences. J had drilled me in it for ages after my first experience with the machine. He said that I'd never know when I might need to use it without his help. He'd been right about that.
I finished, and pulled off my jacket and tie, stepped out of my shoes. I climbed up into the machine and attached on the sensors, headset and goggles. My palms were sweaty, my heart was pounding against my chest... I knew what was coming and feared it.
But the alternative was worse. I lay back down in the padded compartment and pulled the cover down over me. I took a deep breath, and then another.
The machine began the first sequence...
TBC...
Back to Merula's Fanfictions Page