Author: Merula
Pairings: 1+2
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, Heero POV
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
Return to Duty
No one ever came to visit me. I suppose it was mostly my fault, but after I got out of the hospital I didn't feel like seeing anyone. I didn't want to be comforted, didn't want to be pitied, and so I shut myself away from my friends.
They kept away in deference to my wishes -- and some days I was glad of it -- and some days I hated them for it. I don't want to say they gave up -- my phone rang every other day or so and my email box was always full... but I never answered... never replied...
So I was surprised when my doorbell rang late one Thursday night. Looking through the peephole I had to suppress a surge of disappointment -- and then felt guilty for it.
I opened the door and glared -- the best I could these days -- at the person on the other side.
"What do you want?"
"Nice to see you too, Heero," Quatre smiled sweetly at me. I knew better than to trust that smile. "Well, I've either become a Avon Sales representative, or I've come to visit you. Which do you think is more likely?"
"I don't need any makeup."
He rolled his eyes at me. "Are you always this charming to your guests these days?"
"I forgot to grab my gun when I answered the door."
"Ha ha. Are you going to let me in or not?"
"Not." I replied and stepped back to close the door. Quatre, however, was not deterred. He stepped in right after me, putting his whole body in the way of the door. This brought him perilously close to my face. Points to him though -- he didn't flinch.
"Ah, I seem to be in." He pushed on my chest, forcing me backwards, and stepped around me. Before I could stop him, he was headed towards my kitchen. "I'll just get myself some coffee, shall I?"
"I never said you could have any," I snapped halfheartedly and followed after him.
"You used to have better manners." Quatre poked at my coffee pot. "When was the last time you used this thing? It's all dusty."
"I don't like coffee. I only had it for visitors."
"Which you obviously haven't had many of lately."
Why was he here? Why now? Why not months ago?
And why did he show up and not... I shook my head, trying to get over my disappointment that he wasn't the one I had been hoping would show up on my doorstep.
"What's the point Quatre?"
He stopped poking at the machine and turned to face me. "I have something important to discuss with you -- and you haven't been returning my calls -- or Trowa's."
"I haven't called anyone."
"Why?" His eyes narrowed.
Because the one I wanted to hear from hadn't called.
"Maybe I just haven't felt like it."
He shook his head. "Right. It doesn't have anything to do with your injury." He gestured to the right half of his face. I turned away, looked to the right as I always did when someone mentioned it. "Heero --" his voice was softer -- "it's not that bad."
Trust Quatre to try and make me feel better. But in this case I knew he lied.
"You haven't seen it make children cry yet," I countered. "Why are you here?"
He sighed. "The Preventers need you."
"I doubt that very much. They have plenty of healthy and whole agents."
Quatre frowned at me. "That may be, but they don't have any healthy and whole agents that can partner Duo."
Huh?
"Why not? Duo gets along with everybody..."
"Obviously you are not up on gossip. His last three partners all requested transfers due to incompatibility."
That made me pause. Duo never had any problems with anyone. What the hell was going on? Quatre took advantage of my shock.
"Duo doesn't have a partner -- and you know what kind of missions they send him on -- he really needs backup for his next one."
"I do know -- and for those he needs a good partner." If it was one of the usual types, he'd need a really good partner -- not someone like me. "Why can't he partner with Chang?"
Quatre shook his head. "He's off on that whole rebuilding L5 thing."
"Then either you or Trowa..."
"I can't leave WEI and you know it. I tried to get Tro to partner him, but..." He shrugged. "We had a little incident at WEI not that long ago and Trowa is now in charge of security."
"That bomb scare?" I had seen something on the news about trouble at WEI.
"That's what we told the news stations it was, yes." Quatre nodded. "So, neither of us can go. It has to be you. You don't want Duo going alone do you?"
I sighed. I was not going to get guilted into this. There had to be someone! "Noin."
"Pregnant."
"What?!"
"Fraid so."
"Sally then."
"Medical leave."
"Zechs."
Quatre snorted. "Tried that -- they nearly killed each other. Duo doesn't do well with that 'lord of the manor' attitude."
"And yet -- he's never killed you."
"I'm not that bad!"
I bit back my first response. Wasn't he here attempting to reorder my life?
"Quatre," I sighed. "I'd never pass the field agent test again..."
"Bullshit." He lifted an eyebrow at me. "You've been trying to get yourself back up to your old levels."
How did he know? I had that special arrangement with the gym... had someone seen me? "Who told you?"
A wide smile. "You just did. I thought so."
Bastard.
"What makes you think Duo will be any better with me as a partner?" I tried. I hadn't been very good as it was...
Another snort. "Heero, you were his partner for five years! His best friend!"
"Yeah, which is why he just rushed to my bedside after I got hurt. Why he kept in touch..." I had to choke back the anger. I hadn't expected it to rise so fast. "Look Quatre -- I haven't even seen Duo since that night. He hasn't written or called. Face it -- he doesn't want anything to do with me..."
Quatre sighed and looked at the floor. "I hadn't realized it was that bad... I had hoped he'd at least write..." He looked back up at me. "You do know he was there in the hospital -- right after? He wouldn't let anyone even look at him until you were taken care of..."
"I don't really remember any of it." Had Duo stayed? He hadn't been there when I'd woken up...
"It's just as well." Quatre shook his head. "It's not something I like to remember either." He moved towards me, his hand reaching for my chin.
I wanted to pull away, but his fingers were firm as he tilted my head to the side. "Heero -- it's not that bad. Not even close to how bad we thought it was that night..."
How could he say that? The scars ran along that side of my face, through my now --empty eye socket, its lid permanently closed, up into my hairline. Granted when I wore my patch most of them were covered, but...
I stepped backward, out of his grip and glared. "Quatre --"
"Did you ever think that maybe Duo feels too guilty to confront you?"
"Guilty...?" That made no sense. "What does he have to feel guilty about?"
"You called for backup -- he didn't get there in time..."
"He was cornered! It's amazing he even got there at all..."
"But he doesn't think so." Quatre smiled faintly. "I asked him to come talk to you when Une said he had to have a partner. He told me that he was the last person you'd want to see."
What...?
"I never said..."
Quatre nodded. "I'm sure you didn't Heero. I know this is hard for you. I know you don't want to go back -- that you want to be left alone. But... can't you do this one mission with Duo? Show him that you aren't mad? Then maybe he'll be nicer to his other partners instead of trying to drive them away."
Was Quatre lying? But... it did sound like something Duo would do...
Damn it.
"I don't know if I'll even pass the test..."
Quatre's smile broadened. "I have the exam set up for you at 8 am tomorrow."
Sometimes Quatre was a little too smug.
"Fine."
"You'll be there?"
I had to squash the small flutter of fear in my stomach. "I'll be there."
"Then I'll leave you in peace." Quatre headed for the door. "Don't forget! 8am!"
"Yeah, yeah," I muttered. I heard him laugh as my front door opened and closed. I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes. Had I really agreed to go back to the Preventers?
Only for one mission, I reminded myself. Just one. Just for Duo... Was he really blaming himself? Was that the real reason I hadn't seen him?
I covered my face with my hands, feeling the scar tissue under my fingertips. I had thought... Well, I'm sure it was just my imagination... but I had thought right in that time before the accident that I had finally had a chance with him... Finally gotten up the nerve to cautiously hint that I was interested... had hoped the hints I got in return meant he was too...
Just vague words, a few looks, a smattering of touches. Nothing else... and when I looked back on it afterwards... nothing that could've been taken as anything other than teasing -- and maybe that was how he took it. Friendly banter... nothing serious...
That version of it had become the truth to me after I woke up in the hospital... and he wasn't there. No note, no call... nothing. In all these months since... no word at all... I thought he realized that an injured partner wouldn't help him advance his career -- that he had chosen to make a clean break...
It was better than thinking that he'd not wanted me the way I was now...
Was it guilt?
Well, I'd know the truth tomorrow... and even if it was, friendship was all I could hope for now... that other dream had died months ago.
~*~
It was hard going to sleep that night. Harder still to get up the next morning and get ready to face my old life. I brushed my teeth and hair, only taking a quick look at myself in the mirror.
It was always a quick look -- I didn't dare more. I don't know what I hoped... That one day I'd look in the mirror and see my old face looking back?
That reminded me. I went to my bureau and grabbed my eye patch. I didn't wear it much at home since it was uncomfortable, but I always had it on when I went out. It covered the eye socket and the scarred skin around it pretty well, but a few of the scars trailed out from underneath it.
I shook my bangs out over my face and reminded myself that I could do this. How hard was it to walk down to the street?
Though now I tended to get more looks than I used to... but what did I expect? I stood out now -- something that made me cringe. I hated the looks I got. I never went out in the daytime if I could help it. Night was friendlier, helped conceal me from other's eyes.
The hallway was empty, luckily, though most of my neighbors had grown used to my appearance... well except that one time that I couldn't find my eye patch and had to go down to fetch my mail...
I hadn't been kidding when I told Quatre my looks scared small children.
The elevator was also empty, another good thing. No forced friendly conversations...
Getting to my car was harder, but I managed. It was raining outside so people were walking quickly, spending less time looking at their surroundings. I pulled my collar up and headed towards my car.
Easy enough to drive to headquarters. The guard only gave me a brief look -- it was too wet to stand out and gape after all. I parked and reached for the door handle.
My hands were shaking. This was the hard part...
Someone tapped on the window, making me jump.
Trowa -- under a very large green umbrella.
"Hello," he said as I got out of the car. "Quatre sent me down here to make sure that you don't try and fail the tests on purpose."
I didn't have a response -- I had thought about that...
Trowa's eyes met mine -- and his were as they always were. Calm, undisturbed -- if my changed appearance made him feel anything it didn't show on his face.
"Ah hah," he said and poked me in the chest, his lips curving in a smile. "You were thinking about it!"
"And what if I fail despite your watching? I may not be up for this."
"Right," Trowa rolled his eyes. "I know better. Face it Yuy, I'm on to your tricks. Like right now you're delaying going inside."
Well, it hadn't been on purpose... not much anyway.
"The examiner's waiting." He said, smirking slightly as he gestured towards the building.
"How long ago did Quatre set up the exam?" I asked as we headed in.
"About a week ago," Trowa admitted.
"Sneaky manipulative bastard."
Trowa laughed out loud. "You have no idea."
"I think I'm glad that I don't."
He laughed again as he held the door open for me. "Welcome back, Heero."
As I entered the building I had to stop for a moment... it had been so long...
I saw heads begin to turn towards me, saw a few eyes widen... and wanted to immediately turn and run back out to my car.
Trowa's hand touched my elbow. "Come on. You're late."
~*~
The examiner was indeed waiting for us. Sally smiled at me, her eyes flicking to the eye patch and back again. She knew what was underneath it -- she had been the first medic on the scene after all.
"Heero," she gave me a brief hug and picked up her clipboard. "Ready for the test?"
"Sally. I thought you were on medical leave...?"
"I am," she said cheerfully. "I had a little accident a few months ago -- so no field work for me -- but I can still do other things." A subtle rebuke. She picked up the gun and handed it to me. "Shall we start with this and then the course?"
I took the gun from her and gave it a quick check. "Very well." This had been harder to practice -- the one range near my apartment was only open late a few days a week.
I turned towards the target and took aim.
Sally was smiling when I finished. "Very good."
I looked at the target. It wasn't good. Not like I had been able to do...
Somehow knowing what I was thinking, Trowa tapped the back of my head. "Better than most, Heero. Quit obsessing and go change."
The course wasn't as bad as the range had been -- but I still wasn't up to my old level... something that had been easy to ignore at home and in the gym... but not here on Preventers' grounds.
"Pass," Sally handed me a badge case when I rejoined them. "Cleared for the case and recommended for rehire."
"No --" I said involuntarily. "I thought it was just for one mission..."
Sally lifted an eyebrow. "It's not an order, just a recommendation. We need all the good agents we can get." She didn't let me reply, simply slipped out of the room.
Trowa was still smirking. "Ready for the briefing?" He didn't let me answer, merely headed towards the door.
We headed for one of the smaller conference rooms. It was empty when we got there and I felt a small rush of relief. Trowa glanced at his watch. "I have to go. Quatre has some meetings this morning. Just wait here -- Une should be by in a moment."
"Very well."
He smiled at me. "It was good to see you Heero." Then he left, giving me one last wink over his shoulder.
I sat down at the small table and took a deep breath. How had I let myself get talked into this? Was I really ready for fieldwork?
The door opened again and Duo burst in -- talking at the top of his voice:
"Look, I don't know who the hell you are but I work al..." He choked off mid-word once his gaze landed on me. "Heero?"
"Hello Duo." I watched him carefully, waiting for his reaction.
A smile curved his lips for an instant, as if he was happy to see me, but then his eyes focused on my eye patch and the smile vanished.
"What are you doing here?"
Not exactly the greeting I had hoped for...
"I'm here for the same mission you are."
He blinked. "You... you're my partner?"
My heart sunk. He didn't sound happy about the idea.
"So it appears." I waited a moment and when he didn't respond: "Do you object to that? I passed the tests."
"Object?" He shook his head. "No, of course not."
He sounded less than sure. Maybe Quatre was wrong...
The door opened again and Une came in. I got to my feet.
"Commander."
"Yuy," Une gave me a warm smile. "It's good to see you again. Thank you for agreeing to this."
"No problem," I sat down again, wanting to get on with it.
"How come no one told me Heero was my partner for this one?" Duo snapped before Une could speak again.
Damn...
"Agent Yuy had to pass the exam before we could give him to you as a partner. Which he did about ten minutes ago." Une replied and waved Duo towards a chair. "Shall we get to the important things?"
I listened as Une described the mission, an easy surveillance job -- why did Duo need a partner for this? All we were doing was watching delivery trucks going into a factory... there had to be more of it than that.
As she spoke I studied Duo out of the corner of my eye. He was thinner than I remembered, there were dark circles under his eyes. Maybe he had just finished a difficult mission? He couldn't seem to sit still -- though maybe that was my presence making him twitchy. He didn't look at me at all -- kept his gaze on Une...
"Now," Une frowned. "If you see a truck with these markings go in -- I want you to infiltrate the factory and find out what is inside that truck. If it is what we think it is..." She tapped the paper in front of her and I scanned it.
Ah, that would be the reason for a partner.
"If it is carrying these weapons -- you need to get a sample and get it back out to us."
"Understood." I said and Duo nodded.
"You're undercover as campers. We've reserved the campground up here," she tapped the map. "You should have a good view of the front entrance."
I glanced out the window at the rain and Une laughed. "We have a camper for you -- the cameras are all equipped -- you shouldn't even have to really get out of the thing much."
"Only for the weekend?" Duo asked and I winced.
Une nodded. "We're closing in on another factory of theirs -- we think they may try to ship these things out of there and into one of their other factories."
I only had one more question. "When do we leave?"
"As soon as you can." Une looked at her watch. "If that's all, I'll be on my way."
"I need to talk to you Commander -- privately," Duo asked quietly. "If I may?"
No doubt he wanted to object to this partnership.
"I'm sorry Maxwell, but I have another briefing and you two need to leave as soon as possible." Une smiled. "Try not to frighten this partner off?"
She left before he could answer.
I turned to look at him, wondering what to say now that we were alone. I knew he wasn't happy with the situation.
Quatre had lied to me. Duo wasn't feeling guilty -- that seemed pretty obvious. So why had he put me through this?
Duo's head was bent, his bangs hiding his expression from me. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked before I could speak.
"I wouldn't have agreed to it otherwise."
"But... you're... um ..." He tapped the right side of his face.
That was it. I was hurt -- but I was also angry. Anger won.
"Did you not hear the Commander tell you that I passed the tests? I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you, but you'll just have to deal with me for this one mission. Surely you can be professional enough to work with me for two days? Or are you afraid that it will reflect badly on you? Being assigned to a damaged partner?"
Duo's head snapped up, his eyes were wide with surprise. "I wasn't... I didn't mean that!"
"Really? Could've fooled me. I haven't heard from you since the accident Duo. I figured you didn't want someone who wasn't perfect anymore as your partner -- or even your friend. But you've driven everyone else off and so you're stuck with me." I went to the door and opened it. "I'm going home to pick up my kit. You can pick me up there in an hour -- if you remember the way."
~*~
The door slammed shut behind Heero even as I was trying to find the words to protest:
I didn't mean it that way...
It was my fault you're hurt...
I'm sorry, please forgive me...
It's been hell without you...
But none of it had come out. Once again, I had fucked up...
When I had stepped out of the elevator and run into Trowa on my way to this meeting I had known something was up. Even more so when the bastard had told me my new partner was waiting for me...
I thought I had made it clear that I didn't want anymore partners -- not after what I'd done to my last one. I stormed down the hallway and flung open the door determined to send whoever it was packing and instead...
Heero had been there.
For a moment I had been so happy to see him... and then I remembered what I had done to him... How I had failed him...
That night in the hospital, waiting for them to let me in to see him, wanting to apologize, wanting to be sure he was okay -- he had stopped talking to me halfway there in the ambulance and I was sure that he was dying... and it was my fault...
They had finally let me in. He'd been so pale... half of his face bandaged... I'd touched his cheek and he'd whimpered... I'd never heard that sound from him... and then...
"Duo, where were you? I called for you..."
Damn it...
I had thought... I had known after that moment in the hospital that Heero wouldn't want to see me...
I had never, ever thought that he'd see it as anything other than a major fuck up on my part -- his partner that failed him... I never thought he'd be thinking that I was the one who didn't want to see him...
Had he truly believed that? Was that why he'd locked himself away from everyone? I had thought he was avoiding me...
Getting to my feet, I headed down to the motor pool. I had to be at Heero's in an hour -- I couldn't be late. I didn't want him to think...
I was on the elevator when my cell phone rang.
"Maxwell."
"Duo," Quatre said in my ear. "Met your new partner yet?"
Smug bastard! "You did this? I told you..."
"I know what you told me -- and I knew you were wrong. Do you know what Heero told me?"
"That I hadn't called him. He thinks I didn't want to be around him anymore..."
"Sounds like you talked?" He was fishing.
"No, he yelled at me before he stormed out of the debriefing..."
I heard Quatre's indrawn breath. "Duo -- what happened?"
"I don't know -- I only asked him if he was really sure he wanted to go... I didn't know if he was really ready to be back in the field or if you guys had pushed him into it..." I shrugged, knowing Quatre couldn't see it. "I don't know what I said -- but I said it wrong... he snapped at me that he'd passed the test and that I could pick him up if I wanted him to go with me."
"And so you are going to pick him up?"
"Of course! I don't want him to think that I didn't want him back! I never meant that!"
"I know you didn't. You were just being an idiot."
"Quatre!"
"Duo, want to know how I got him to agree to be your partner?"
"You threatened him?" I tried. It had to have been something like that.
"Not even close. I told him you needed him."
The elevator doors slid open again and I stepped off, wishing I could reach across the connection and strangle Quatre.
"You didn't..."
"Not that way," he assured me. "I promised you I'd never say anything and I didn't. I just told him you'd been losing partners and that you blamed yourself for his injury."
"It was my fault!"
"But he doesn't blame you. I think he was horrified to think that you did."
He doesn't blame me? But...
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." Quatre laughed a little. "I'm going to hang up now. I think you need to go pick Heero up."
~*~
The motor home/surveillance vehicle was a monster. Forty feet long, there was no good place to park it in Heero's neighborhood. I had to resort to a supermarket parking lot over a block away. By the time I got it parked, it was over the hour Heero had designated.
I ran through the rain, hoping that he'd still want to go... knowing that we needed to talk -- and yet, dreading it at the same time. No matter what Quatre said -- no matter what Heero had said -- I was responsible. He might forgive me, might even agree to be my friend again, but anything more than that was lost to me...
I had tried for years to get Heero to think of me as something other than his friend -- and just when I had finally seemed to be getting through to him -- we'd gotten trapped in that building.
He'd never want me that way now. I couldn't really be sure he wanted me then. Maybe I had been reading more into things than I should have...
I paused in front of Heero's door and took a deep breath before I knocked.
He opened it a moment later and I saw the surprise on his face. He hadn't expected me to show up at all.
"Sorry I'm late," I tried, summoning up a smile. "Do you know how hard it is to park that 40 foot RV around here? I had to park down the street at the supermarket."
"You're here..." He said, and then shut his mouth with a snap.
"Of course," I looked into his face, noticing that he had taken off the eye patch. Was... was that how it looked now? That night in the hospital I was sure that it was so much worse... But this -- minimal scarring -- it had healed up so incredibly well! Thank god. "I couldn't go without my partner. Are you ready?"
He blinked at me for a moment and I wondered if he was going to tell me to go to hell.
"Just need to grab my kit." He said and vanished down his hallway. I closed my eyes for a moment in relief.
It only took a moment, and then we were walking down the hallway towards the elevators, just like we had a hundred times before...
I had missed this.
There were several people on the elevator when we got on. Heero looked down, his bangs shading his face and I wondered why. He used to give everyone a prelim scan -- it was a habit I'd teased him about many times before. What had changed?
The small boy standing with his mother beside us gave me the answer.
"Hey mister? What happened to your face?"
I blinked and nearly told him to mind his own business, but Heero answered before I could.
"Accident," He said shortly as the kid's mother turned red and made a shushing motion at her son.
Accident? But it hadn't been an accident... why did he say that?
"It wasn't an accident!" I exclaimed -- and then remembered where we were. Oops. I turned to the kid and smiled. "This guy here is a Preventer -- you know what they do right?"
"Protect the peace!" The kid grinned back as he repeated our motto. Great. Future Preventer in the making...
"That's right -- and that's how he got injured. He was..."
At that moment, the elevator dinged and the door slid open on the first floor. Heero grabbed my arm and yanked me off the elevator. What had I done?
"Do you really tell everyone it was an accident?" I asked as he hauled me towards the front doors.
"What else is it?" He snapped.
A result of your partner's fucked up plan... "An injury in the line of duty."
He shrugged. "That's just a nicer way of saying it was an accident."
But accident implied that no one was at fault...
Did he really feel that way?
The rain was pouring down steadily when we stepped outside.
"Should we run for it?" I asked.
"Might as well." Heero frowned, slinging his kit over his shoulder.
We pelted down the street, narrowly avoiding pedestrians. For just a few minutes it was like it used to be... Heero keeping pace beside me, running full out just because we could...
He really was back to himself... he wasn't even panting when we reached the RV. I nearly laughed at his expression when he caught sight of it.
"Did you take the biggest one you could find on purpose?"
"The motor pool guy takes bribes. I didn't want to be stuck in one of the little ones for the weekend." If Heero needed space, then I wanted him to have it. It wouldn't be a picnic stuck with me all weekend...
I opened the door and we climbed in. Heero stowed his kit then sat down in the passenger seat and looked at me. "Let's go."
I sat down in the driver's seat and started the engine. "Watch how all the little cars get the hell out of our way," I said as I pulled the RV out of the parking lot.
"Can you blame them? We're in a dinosaur."
I chuckled and focused on maneuvering us out into traffic. I felt hopeful... things had been okay so far...
I got us onto the freeway and let out a loud sigh of relief.
"It didn't look that bad," Heero teased.
"Uh huh. Sure you don't want to try driving this monster?"
"I'd better not. I do okay in a car, but I don't want to chance it here." I felt a sharp stab of guilt -- why hadn't I thought of that before opening my mouth? He reached up and touched the right side of his face, and I heard him draw in a sharp breath.
What was wrong?
"Damn it!"
"What?" Had he forgotten something? A medication maybe...?
"I forgot my eye patch... I don't wear it at home..." He cursed again. "I'm really sorry -- I'll figure something out..."
Why was he sorry? What was wrong? Did he need the patch? "Does it still hurt?"
He shook his head. "No -- it's healed... well, as healed as it's going to get."
If it was... "Then you don't need the patch?"
"No."
But if he didn't need it -- "Then why do you wear it?"
"So people don't... you know..." He shifted, uncomfortable. "Maybe I can use some of the med supplies..."
So people didn't what? Then I remembered the kid on the elevator, the way Heero had looked down at the floor... his words to me before slamming his way out of the conference room... The way he had cut himself off from everyone...
Oh.
I didn't even think of that aspect... I hadn't thought that he looked different -- only that he'd been injured. Hadn't thought about what it might be to have scars -- no matter how healed -- on your face... and Heero had always been a private person, hadn't liked being looked at, noticed...
Damn it. The guilt was worse now. What could I do? Reassurance was the only thing that came to mind.
"No one else is going to be around... really, it should be fine." I said softly.
"Except you," He reminded me. "I doubt you want to see it."
What?
"Why not?" The next words came out before I could stop them: "Aren't I the cause of it?"
I waited for him to condemn me. Instead he gave me a surprised look.
"No, of course you aren't."
Was he serious? How could he say that so quickly? So easily?
I hunched up over the wheel. "I didn't make it in time... I heard you -- calling for help -- I heard the explosion... but I didn't make it in time..."
"Duo -- you were cornered!" He snapped. "I'm amazed you even made it at all! It wasn't your fault!"
He really didn't blame me...
Much to my surprise, my eyes blurred and it occurred to me that having this conversation when I was driving was not the best of ideas...
"But I failed..."
"No. Duo -- you got there in time to get me out -- and all in all -- it could've been a lot worse than it was..."
I shivered -- he'd been near unconscious, covered in blood, and his eye... "It was really bad... I thought you were dead at first..."
And that I had been the one responsible, that once again I had made it there too late to help...
Heero grabbed my arm. "But you did." His fingers squeezed down a little. "I survived, right? And since I did -- you didn't fail. You got me out. That's what counts."
I narrowly avoided rear-ending the car in front of me, dazed with relief.
"Right -- long enough to survive being put on another mission with me!" That came out a little differently than I intended. Why had he agreed? Was it really because of what Quatre said?
Heero squeezed my arm one more time and then let go. "Well if you'd stop scaring off your partners, you wouldn't be stuck with me again." He teased, propping his feet up on the dashboard. "Seriously -- what have you been doing to the poor agents?"
I recognized his subject change. He was right to do it; this wasn't the best time to be having this discussion.
"Poor agents?" I snorted. "Please... they were incompetent before they were assigned to me..." I launched into a recital of each partner and their flaws, greatly exaggerating, trying to get him to laugh -- and succeeding once or twice.
This was how it used to be... what I had missed for so long...
Once we got to the campsite, I went out to hook us up and left Heero to set the cameras. There weren't many people at the campsites around us, but I knew he was still worried about not having the eye patch.
That worried me. It didn't seem to match up with the Heero I knew -- the one who cared nothing about other people's opinions... but if I was to believe Quatre -- he'd been avoiding going out in public...
Was it also the reason he avoided the others too?
I didn't understand it -- but then I wasn't the one who had to live with it. I didn't know what I could do to show him otherwise, I just knew that I had to work past my own guilt and help him...
Heero needed me and I couldn't fail him again.
~*~
Duo had gone outside to hook the RV up and scout the campsite. It was still raining and I didn't envy him the task. The rain was to our advantage though, since the campsite wasn't crowded and it wouldn't look odd if we never left the RV.
I sat down to power up the surveillance equipment. Without thinking about it, I rubbed my face, my fingertips catching on my scars. How had I managed to forget my eye patch? I'd gone back to the apartment, angry and hurt and tossed the damn thing off the moment I'd walked in the door.
I had been sure that Duo wouldn't show, sure that he didn't want me back as a partner -- but I had still changed into something more appropriate for camping -- still pulled out my kit.
When he had knocked I had just been about to call Quatre and yell at him for torturing me for nothing... ready to tell him that he'd been wrong...
But Duo had shown up... and then during the ride...
He had been feeling guilty. I saw it now, had to admit that Quatre had been right. For whatever reason, Duo had been blaming himself...I could only hope that I'd gotten through to him a little. I'd just have to make sure by the end of the mission that he understood that he wasn't to blame for what happened to me.
I had just finished adjusting the cameras and feeds when Duo reentered the RV. He grinned at me as he pulled his wet jacket off. "We're all hooked up!"
"Same here," I said and he came to lean behind my chair, his eyes on the screens.
"It looks all quiet down there now."
"There's a few people there -- mostly security by the looks of it."
He nodded. "Do you think it'd be easier if we put a 'doorbell' up? Just in case one of us is sleeping and the other one dozes off or something?"
I studied the screens. "It would be easy enough to do -- there's lots of scrub on the sides of the road -- a cinch to hide the equipment. We can go down once it's dark."
"It's a plan." Duo moved over to one of the storage cabinets. "I'll need at least that long to do the prelim calibrations."
As Duo worked, I double-checked the camera feeds, made sure the recordings were on, and watched as the shift at the guard gate changed.
"All set," Duo announced. "Let's go down and set up."
We left the RV, making sure it was locked behind us. I glanced around the campsite. We were parked at the far end -- the closest camper was several spaces down. Walking silently around the back of the RV, we made our careful way down the hill, towards the road that ran into the facility.
It was still raining and the ground was muddy under our feet, but not as bad as I expected thanks to the canopy of branches above.
Several meters away from the gate, out of the range of the floodlights, Duo dashed across the road, carrying one half of the 'doorbell'.
This was going to be the tricky part. The doorbell acted like an invisible trip wire. The two pieces created a 'line' between them, and if something broke the line -- the alarm in the RV would go off. It would free us from having to constantly watch the screens.
I remained where I was, waiting for Duo to line himself up with me on the other side of the road. I had pushed my half of the doorbell into the soft ground and was waiting for the small light on the top to flash that showed me we had connected the two.
It didn't take long before the flash told me that Duo had succeeded. A few minutes more and he was back beside me and we were climbing the hill back up to the RV.
"Let's hope the rest of this is that easy." Duo said as he knocked the worst of the mud off his boots before entering the RV. I did the same, taking them off and leaving them by the door before I went to check the equipment to make sure the doorbell was communicating as it should. Duo started pulling out food from the fridge. "Usual Preventers' cuisine here," he said. "What do you want?"
"Preferably something that looks like food."
"Heero -- you can't have forgotten already. None of this looks like food." Duo laughed. "You can't rely on appearance alone you know."
"Presentation is important," I pointed out. "You know that."
He gave me an odd look as he popped something into the microwave. "Only to some."
~*~
Hours later I sent Duo to bed, telling him that I would take the first shift. He had been yawning, so he didn't argue much with me. I could hear his soft snores from where I sat... I had forgotten that he snored.
I had forgotten a lot of things... well, tried to forget...
I reached up and scratched my cheek, my fingers lingering on the scars. I had almost forgotten they were there today... How could Duo look on me so calmly?
But Trowa and Quatre had too... well, of course, we had all seen worse things in the war... it shouldn't be so strange.
And it was nothing to get my hopes up over.
Just because Duo could sit and talk with me without showing disgust at my changed appearance didn't mean he could overlook it. Didn't mean that he wanted me back as a partner... or anything more.
Frustrated with my own thoughts, I picked up the pack of cards that lay beside the equipment and started a game of solitaire.
The facility was quiet -- no signs of activity for all the hours that I watched -- and I wondered if maybe the trucks had been sent elsewhere... they didn't look like they were expecting anything...
I turned over cards listening to Duo snore and occasionally reaching up to touch my scars. It wouldn't do to forget them now...
The sky was starting to lighten when I heard Duo moving around. There was the bang of the bathroom door -- the sound of water running.
I was still flipping cards over when he joined me.
"Are you sure it doesn't hurt?"
I looked up and blinked at Duo.
"What doesn't hurt?"
He touched the right side of his face. "You were rubbing it..."
I felt myself flush. "Oh no... habit I guess."
He nodded and moved closer. "I'm sorry... it's just after that night..." He reached out and ran his fingers over my cheek gently.
For just a moment -- I wanted to catch his hand in mine... return the caress...
And then his fingers touched the ridge of scar tissue above my eye...
I jerked my head back and his eyes widened. "Sorry," I apologized quickly, getting to my feet and heading towards the bed in the back. "I'm really tired. Wake me if you need me."
Once safely in the back, I tossed myself down on the bed, but it took me a long time to fall asleep...
~*~
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
I'd scared him off...
I hadn't meant to... but last night... we'd been... it had been like it always was. Falling into our familiar patterns of conversation...
Then this morning, when I had seen his fingers tracing his scar, I wanted... I don't know what... To show him it didn't matter to me?
To touch him?
And the look on his face when my fingers had touched his cheek... before I had made the mistake...
I hadn't thought to see that look on Heero's face again. I had only seen it once before, during one of Relena's parties -- he and I had been out on one of the patios and I had brushed some lipstick off his cheek...
"Looks like one of the ladies tagged you."
He grimaced. "Which one? It's not purple is it?"
"It's a lovely mauve."
"That diplomat's wife. Kissing everyone... unhygienic.."
I laughed. "It's their custom."
"Still..."
"I know, you don't care to be kissed by just anyone, right?"
"Right," and he'd leaned towards me...
If Trowa hadn't come looking for us at that instant, I would've kissed him -- I'd been looking for an opportunity for weeks...
Then the next day we'd gone on that damned mission...
I sighed and looked towards the back of the RV. Was I imagining things? Seeing what I wanted to see?
No. He had leaned into my caress -- just a little -- until I touched the scars. That was going to be the problem -- convincing him that I didn't care about them -- that I still wanted him.
I picked up Heero's cards and shuffled them. When he woke up, I promised myself, I'd... do something...
Just had to figure out what.
~*~
I still didn't have a plan by the time he woke up again. I considered just jumping him, but Heero's reflexes are nothing to play around with -- and I still wasn't totally sure he'd go along with it...
"A few trucks -- none with the right markings." I said when he joined me. He had showered and changed, and was looking very jumpable.
"Sounds like your day was as thrilling as my night."
"Just scintillating." I rolled my eyes. "I'm half tempted to sneak in the place just for the hell of it..."
"Duo..." He frowned.
"I know, I know... Against regs."
Heero shook his head and reached out to take the cards from me. "Poker?"
"All right."
We were halfway through the fourth hand when the doorbell "rang". We both looked up at the screens and watched a small blue car drive by.
I looked back at my cards with a sigh. "Guard shift change. The next three are going to be cars."
I was right.
"Dinner?" I asked, and he shook his head.
"Not yet." He rearranged the cards in his hand. "You always want to stop when I'm winning."
"Hey!"
We kept playing and I searched for a way to bring up some of the things I had been thinking about all day.
It wasn't until the sixth hand, that I got up the courage. "Heero... can I ask you something?"
~*~
I waited for Duo to speak, wondering what he was going to ask, when the doorbell rang again. We looked... and the truck that showed up on the screen a moment later made us both leap from our seats.
Duo glanced out the window as he pulled his kit out. "It's almost dark -- think they're unloading tonight?"
"More than likely," I picked up the phone and dialed headquarters to tell Une we were going in.
After I hung up, I got myself ready as Duo watched the screens. "I don't see any more people going in -- either someone on that truck is unloading, or they have a crew there waiting."
"Whichever it is we need to get down there fast." The oncoming darkness and the rain would help us a little -- but it would also add to our problems a bit. I followed Duo out the door and quickly around the RV after scanning to make sure no curious campers were out and about.
We made it down the hill and up to the side of the facility.
"Over the fence?"
"Looks like the best way."
Duo nodded. "Race ya to the top?"
Once inside we stuck to the shadows, moving around the building, looking for the truck.
It was on the far side of the complex, parked against the loading bays -- but there was no sign of anyone around.
"They just backed it in and left?"
"Couldn't have..." I frowned.
We crept closer.
Once inside the loading bay, Duo went to work on the truck's lock. I expected the truck to be empty... unloaded already...
But it was full of crates. Duo and I pried the lid off of one...
"That's it..." Duo hissed. The beam cannons were smaller than the one Wing had -- built and shielded for a human to carry, but they were similar enough to give me a shiver.
I pulled one out and handed it to him to stick in his pack. "Let's just get it back to headquarters. We resealed the crate carefully.
"Let me go first." Duo moved out of the back of the truck and I followed him a moment later. I paused, carefully pulling the back door closed and relocking it.
Just as the lock clicked shut, the bay was flooded with light. I had only enough time to jump down and get under the truck. I froze there, hoping no one had seen me.
"Damn shipment arrived late," I heard someone grumble as the sound of footsteps grew near. I relaxed slightly. No one had seen me. Did I risk the dash to the fence? Had Duo already gotten there? He had to have seen the light in the bay...
A hand touched my arm and I nearly jumped. Duo's hand tightened in warning. What was he doing here? He should be over the fence...
He tugged on my elbow and I followed him up to the front part of the truck.
We waited there in the dark until the sounds of the truck being unloaded stopped. I hoped the driver wasn't planning to take off again, but once the sounds stopped, the lights in the bay vanished and we made our careful way back to the fence again.
Once on the other side, Duo turned to me and pointed down the road. I nodded. I would collect the doorbell and he'd unhook the RV. Then we could get our package back to headquarters.
It didn't take long to get the doorbell. The RV was already warming up as I reached it. Duo was in the driver's seat talking to Une.
"Yeah, he's back now. We're heading out..."
I strapped myself down in the seat. I had a feeling it was going to be a fast ride back... I could only hope the RV could handle it.
~*~
Heero had scared me to death. I had reached the fence, sure that he was behind me -- and found myself alone. I had dashed back, retracing my steps, panicked.
The bay was flooded with lights -- the men were unpacking the boxes and I watched their shapes move back and forth, listening to them... it had taken me several moments to realize that they had not caught Heero -- that he had to be hiding nearby.
Under the truck had been the obvious place, and I had been relieved to find him there -- and more relieved when we had made it out of the facility in one piece.
Une had been waiting for us back at headquarters. We debriefed her quickly. Once Une had heard us out and looked at what we brought back she began snapping out orders to her aides even as she hurried out of the room.
"Guess our part's over." I grinned at Heero.
"Except for the report." He reminded me as he pulled a slim case out of his pocket. "Can you give this back to Sally please?"
It was his badge case. "Why?"
"It was only supposed to be this one mission..."
What? But...
"You don't want to come back?"
He looked down, not meeting my eyes. "Duo... you don't want a partner who... I'm not the agent I was..."
"Of course you are!" I snapped at him. "Do you think the loss of an eye makes you less than what you were? How? Did it slow you down? Did we fail in our mission?"
"No... but..."
I slapped a hand over his mouth. "Heero Yuy, you are the same as you always were. Can't you see that?"
He pushed my hand to the side. "I'm not..." He protested.
There was only one thing to do.
~*~
Duo glared at me. Why was he being so stubborn about this?
A moment later, and his mouth was on mine, his lips firm and demanding...
Oh...
For just a moment, I let myself give in to it... then I pushed him away.
"Duo -- don't."
He frowned. "Don't what?"
I gestured at him. "This... we... can't do this. I wished we could -- for longer than you know, and once I thought we would... but now?" I gestured at my ruined face. "You don't want this..."
"Heero..."
Before he could finish, the door opened again. Sally looked around the doorjamb, her eyes widening slightly as she saw us.
"Sorry to interrupt, but Une needs one of you to go over the details again for the locals."
"Duo can do it," I said quickly, pushing my way past Sally and heading for the elevators.
~*~
The apartment was cold. I flipped the heater on and sat down on the couch.
Why had Duo done that? Was it guilt? Or did he really... no. I couldn't even hope for that.
Someone knocked on the door.
If that were Quatre I would strangle him... slowly.
It was Duo. He gave me a faint smile.
"Invite me in?"
"Duo..."
"Invite me in, please?"
"I..."
He stepped past me and closed the door behind him.
"I don't know what you're thinking... I can only guess." He reached out and cupped my cheek. "But if you think that I'm going to let you go just because of this..." His fingers brushed my scars. "Heero -- I don't care about this. Not like you think I do. I want you -- just as you are."
Did he really mean it? But... "Duo -- I know you feel guilty..."
He shook his head. "I do -- but if I was listening to my guilt, I'd leave you alone -- afraid that I'd do you more damage."
"But you didn't..."
"I know, but I still feel guilty -- and I almost wrecked it. I stayed away from you -- sure that you wouldn't want to see me --" his voice dropped, "but you did, didn't you?"
"Yes." I admitted and he reached out to pull me into his arms.
"I almost ruined everything -- I'm not going to let you do it too."
This time, when he kissed me, I didn't pull away.
OWARI
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