Author: Merula
Pairings: 1x2, 5xS, 6xS
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Drunk Fei. Cheating Sally. Obnoxious Duo, OOC, Songfic
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine.
This is a songfic for a very obscure song. Here's the lyrics: http://www.tomsmithonline.com/lyrics/seven_drunken_nights.htm.
Seven Days of Drunkenness
Duo stepped into the bar, shading his eyes, Heero a step behind him.
"There he is!"
They wended their way through the tables. Wufei was sitting in the corner, an impressive array of glasses in front of him. Some were full, most were empty.
"Chang! What are you doing here? It's Monday morning, you were supposed to be at work hours ago!" Heero snapped.
"Not going in today." Wufei muttered.
"Why not?" Duo flipped a chair around and sat in it, Heero sat down beside him. "What's happened?" He looked at the glasses. "Do you have a killer hangover or are you just trying to drink yourself to death?"
Wufei glared blearily at him. "You know I've been undercover all week?"
"Yes, in this bar." Duo nodded. "Une really does like you the best. She gives you all the good assignments."
Wufei ignored him. "Well, I went home on Monday night, and my bike was missing."
"What bike?"
"My bike. The little one with the flag? There was a new one."
"Sally got you a present?" Heero asked.
"No, she said I was too drunk to know what I was seeing. She said it was an exercise bike. And my old one was back the next morning."
"So what's the problem? Sally was probably right- you were too drunk to know what you were seeing." Duo gestured at all the glasses on the table. "I mean, if you've been drinking like this..."
"I was," Wufei admitted sullenly. "But there was no exercise cycle there either."
"Oh."
"Well, I came home on Tuesday night, and I found a pressure suit on the floor of the bedroom."
"And it wasn't Sally's or yours?" Heero asked.
"Sally said I was drunk and it was a waterbed."
"Waterbeds are fun."
"Shut up Duo. It wasn't a waterbed-"
"How do you know?" Heero asked.
"Waterbeds don't have codpieces."
"Depends where you buy it from." Duo had picked up one of the glasses and was examining the smear of dark blue liquid on the bottom. Heero raised an eyebrow at him. "What?"
"It was gone the next morning." Wufei slammed back another shot. "I came home on Wednesday, and there was a stun gun on the table. She said it was a timer for the spark plugs..."
"Did you try it?"
"It melted the block. That's why I asked you to drive me in that day."
"Maybe it was malfunctioning."
"Shut up Duo. What happened then?"
"I came home on Thursday night and there was some Sanq brandy..."
"The expensive kind? What did Sally do? Sell you off to someone?" Duo asked.
"She said it was perfume."
"Maybe it was." Heero said diplomatically. "You were drunk again, right?"
"Yeah... but it dehaired the cat."
"It was definitely the brandy then."
"Duo!"
Wufei sighed. "On Friday night there was a pair of silver undies on the floor of the bedroom. She said they were a computer part."
"To Heero they are..."
Wufei and Heero both ignored him. Wufei continued: "On Saturday night I came home and found a head on the bed." Duo's eyes widened.
"A disembodied head? Is Sally a serial killer?"
"It had panties in its teeth..."
"I'd be a little suspicious by now..." Heero frowned. "What did Sally say it was?"
"A hologram. I couldn't check it to be sure, because I passed out right after..."
"I never knew Sally was into kinky stuff like that," Duo nudged Wufei with his elbow. "You never share any of the good bits with us..."
Wufei snarled at him. "It wasn't a holo. You see, on Sunday night I came home..." He slammed back another shot.
"And what did you find in the bedroom? A sex doll?" Duo asked with a leer.
"Pretty much. It was Zechs."
Heero's eyes widened, Duo looked stunned. "What happened?"
Wufei gestured at the bar. "She threw me out. I didn't have any other place to go. So I came here. Dishonorable, unjust woman. She could've at least let me have my clothes..."
"You don't have to stay here, Wufei, you can mmph." Heero glared when Duo slapped a hand over his mouth.
"You can bunk out at HQ. You know there's space there." Duo said quickly. "And plenty of spare uniforms..."
"I like it better here." Wufei slammed back another shot. "I will never ever have anything to do with a wo... hey..." He blinked at the door. "Who's that by the door? She's cute..."
Heero turned to look. "What's Relena doing here?"
OWARI
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